Dear Dr. Nerd Love,
For my second semester back in college I decided to take an acting class. I’ve been acting since I was in highschool so I knew it was a breeze and something fun to do. On our third day of class we had to read a written work that we chose and talk about what it meant to us. I read a poem on success and described how success is my biggest dream and how I want to make movies and all that. I even mentioned (kinda plugged) my Youtube show coming up. When I was done one of the hottest girls in the class came up, read her poem and described how it meant to her and how she wants to be successful and make movies and how she has a Youtube show up and even brought up interest in my show in front of everyone. So I decided to talk to her and in a span of 10 minutes we have both been amazed for our love everything geeky to the point I thought that someone THAT can’t be that nerdy. She even goes to major conventions and dresses up in sexy costumes. Batman is her favorite superhero as he is mine and she tries to read all his comics besides manga. The Dark knight is one of her favorite movies as it is mine. She even brought up Bioshock and saying that she’s a gamer. She’s always wanted to see Inception which I own and even brought up watching it with her one day which she thought would be a great thing to do. There are comics which we plan on exchanging and I’m trying to find a way for us to hang out after school some day.
I have never met any woman who is not only beautiful out but just as if not geekier than me. I wanna ask her out once I get to know her more and I don’t wanna mess this up. Any important advice you can give me? Any warnings? Do geeky girls want a geeky guy?
First of all: Folks, this is a guy who clearly understands part of what I’m getting at in my college guide. Take classes because you think they’ll be a gas… and may pay you dividends you never expected.
As for your problem… all you need to do is chill the hell out, son. Nerds tend to over-think things and make things far more complicated than they really need to be. You’re on a good wavelength with the girl. She seems to dig you, you clearly get along fairly well. Really, all you need to do is just man the fuck up and ask her out. Don’t equivocate. Don’t say “Um, maybe we could hang out some time…” Invite her to a definite plan, one that is clearly a date and not just a friend thing. Because as you’ve inadvertently pointed out, you’re very hesitant and if you don’t fix that it’s going to cost you opportunities.
Y’see, you missed a very obvious opening for a date… when she agreed to watch Inception with you. You said “one day”, when there really is no reason not to go watch it right then.
Well, you’ve got a second chance here. Ask her over to watch Inception. Like… tonight. And tell her not to get any ideas just because she’s got you all alone ‘cuz you’re not that kind of guy.
Hey Dr. NerdLove.
Hopefully this doesn’t seem like too many questions at once, if so, I apologize.
I’m a senior in high school who’s always been nervous around pretty much everyone that I don’t already know closely. I become a nervous wreck around new people and always around girls, unless I already know them. I have anxiety and am taking medicine, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for being so bumbling around others. Any advice on how to shake myself out of this mode and become more confident?
Second question: I’ve been dating the same girl for the past 3 years at my high school, but after graduation, I’m not sure what to do. I love my girlfriend, but I also want to sort of live life and meet other people. I’ve had this thought for a while, but now that I’m beginning my final year of high school, it’s coming more and more to the forefront. I really don’t want to hurt her, and since we’ve been together my confidence has grown. But I have noticed that I have become too attached to the point that I worry it perhaps has become more about comfort and being in a safe zone than actually being in a real relationship. I don’t want to end it with my girlfriend, but I want to go and explore. I’m just very confused at the moment, as you can tell by my ramblings. xD
Please help a fellow geek in need?
I’ve covered your first question before: you practice, practice, practice. Through repetition and gradual exposure you will start being desensitized to the anxiety of trying to meet new people. And if crowds are a problem, try meeting people on a one-on-one basis rather than necessarily in a group situation. You’re in high-school, soon to graduate to college; you will have plenty of socially acceptable reasons to pull someone aside and start talking to ’em.
As for your second question: I’m not the world’s biggest proponent of dating in high-school. High-school relationships have a built in expiration date: graduation. Once you’re off to college, you will be miles apart – both figuratively and literally – and growing into your new adult lives and you’ll most likely find yourselves drifting apart. Trying to force the relationship to work after high-school can lead to one or both of you feeling resentful of the other when you come to the realization that you’re missing new opportunities and experiences. And the fact that you’re going to be so far apart for so long makes an infidelity far more likely…
You seem to be fairly self-aware; if you really are afraid that your relationship has become more about your feeling comfortable rather than how you feel about her, then you should take a break. If you want, you can frame it as a break until the two of you are both back in town for the summer… but let’s be honest here – if you’ve put things on pause to pursue other possibilities all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable. A clean break heals fastest; break up, stay in touch on a casual level if you feel the need and see how you feel when you get back after you’ve had a few more experiences under your belt. If it’s meant to be, it’ll still be meant to be by next summer. Or by your senior year.
Got a short and sweet question. How do I prevent other girls from thinking my chick buddy is my girlfriend?
Treat her like a buddy in front of them, not like a girlfriend.
But hey, don’t underestimate the value of having girls think that you’re dating your chick buddy. Have you ever noticed that you will never have as many women approach you when you’re dating someone as when you’re single? At the risk of dealing in stereotypes, women tend to see a guy who has a girlfriend as being far more attractive than when they think he’s single. There’s a competitive aspect to female psychology and knowing that another woman is interested in him can trigger it.
Also, seeing a man with an attractive woman brings social proof into the situation – he’s clearly at ease with women and women are attracted and at ease with him, ergo there’s something about him that means he’s worth investigating further.
This is one of the reasons why women make some of the best wingmen.
So if you want girls to know you’re not dating your chick buddy then sure, maintain a little physical distance and treat her the way you would treat a guy.
But I don’t think you really want to.