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It’s been a couple of weeks since I taught you how to make that first introduction count, and it’s time to take a look at how you’re doing. As I’ve said before, online dating is very much a buyer’s market for women; their mere presence on a dating site is going to trigger an avalanche of winks, “added to favorites” and clutzy, fumbling emails. So assuming you’ve been taking my advice to heart, you should be enjoying some profound success in the online dating scene and having more dates than you can handle.
But hey: what if you’re not? What if it feels as though all of your emails are being sent out into the great uncaring void? Or worse, if you have a great connection that suddenly cuts off with no warning?
Well, dating’s always going to be a crapshoot, right? Email can be flakey and really, who knows what girls really want anyway, right? Bitches be crazy, right man?
Don't leave me hanging, bro.
There’s no denying that there are no sure things in dating world; even the greatest profile in the world, with Annie Leibowitz taking the profile photo and Bruno Mars writing the emails for you will get nothing but dead air from time to time. But if you are consistently not getting any responses or you’re finding them dwindling away into nothing, perhaps the problem isn’t exactly with them. I hate to say it, but you’re the only common denominator.
It’s time to take a step back and look at your game. You need to ask yourself if you’re the problem here.
So let’s fine tune things. Let’s make sure you’re not making these surprisingly common online dating mistakes.
#5: U Tlk Lik3 thz.
I can’t emphasize this enough: use complete sentences, correct spelling and proper fucking grammar!! Tattoo this backwards on your forehead. Shave your head if you need the room. Online dating is all about text-based communication; you have to seduce a women with your words. Using TxtSpk, 1337sp33k or any other cutesy non-standard style of writing just makes you look like a goddamn idiot with a speech impediment to boot. Texting shorthand came about because of the inherent character limits in cellphone text-messaging services. Unless you’re trying to pick girls up via Twitter (don’t) you have all the time and space that you need to compose your reply. Typos are one thing; being completely illegible is another entirely.
And don’t think just because she writes her e-mails or profile like this, you have an excuse to do the same. In fact, if she does write like that, you probably should be asking yourself some very serious questions as to whether you actually want to a go on a date with someone who never got past the 10th grade socially.
#4: You Didn’t Actually Read Her Profile
Remember when I said you had to make it clear that you actually read her profile when you contacted her? I didn’t mean just skim the damned thing and look for something you could plug into your introduction e-mail. Y’see, one valuable part of online dating is that it lets you pre-screen your potential dates. You can look for matching goals in life, you can look for similar interests or even just filtering by the fact that you like Amazonian red-heads.
Thing is, it also lets you screen for potential deal-breakers. And many women will helpfully tell you in advance what those deal breakers are.
“But women shouldn’t pre-judge me based on an arbitrary standard!” I hear you cry. “I’m a special little snowflake! Surely I’m awesome enough that she can overlook whatever strange objections she might normally have in me!” And then I start laughing and reaching for my bottle of Jefferson’s Reserve.
Yes, some of them are arbitrary. If you aren’t her desired height, income level, educational level or are slightly older than her stated preferences, you may want to throw your hat in the ring anyway. There are times when you might be so damn charming that you can actually overcome the little pet-peeves she has that would otherwise keep her from being interested in dating you. But sometimes she lists those deal-breakers for a good damn reason. She doesn’t like dogs because she’s allergic. She has health issues which means she has to stick to a specific diet and exposure to other types of food might kill her. She doesn’t like smokers because she has a history of lung-cancer in her family. You talk about loving Ayn Rand.
Some deal-breakers simply can’t and shouldn’t be ignored; all you’ve ended up doing is wasting her time and yours when you could have been moving on to someone more receptive.
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THANK YOU
You forgot: “You insulted her.” Seriously, I don’t know why guys think this is a good way to start off an e-mail (I do, actually, but I refuse to acknowledge its existence, especially not as a valid resource for dating advice). ESPECIALLY about something in her profile. I get not understanding why she likes Furry Anime or Tea Kettle Painting, but telling her you think those things are dumb will not win you dates. Using any particularly misogynistic language will also not win you points.
Finally:
She doesn’t like dogs because she’s allergic. She has health issues which means she has to stick to a specific diet and exposure to other types of food might kill her. She doesn’t like smokers because she has a history of lung-cancer in her family. You talk about loving Ayn Rand.
I feel like this might be a girl you know personally, but I can’t quite put my finger on why…
<..>
<.<
(seriously, I about died when I read that.)
I may or may not have encountered ALL of those examples at one time or another.
Well, not the Ayn Rand part. But there WAS that one time I accidentally went on a date with an White Power girl.
That’s really the sort of thing people should put in their profile, if only to warn off everyone else.
In fairness, she kind of did. At the time I didn’t realize that 88-SCREENNAME-88 and being interested in her heritage were code. It wasn’t until I saw the RAHOWA and WPWW tattoos that things clicked. And then things got entertainingly awkward. I may have to talk about it in a future column.