We talk a lot about attractiveness; what do women find attractive, how does a guy become more attractive to women, what do guys find attractive. It can get a little confusing because most of the time when we talk about attractiveness, we are talking about what we find physically attractive. And while there are certain aspects of physicality that are more or less universally attractive – symmetrical facial features, physical indicators of good health and ability to successfully father/bear children – it’s difficult to come to a conclusion as to what is attractive to everybody. Some men like large breasts, some men like small ones. Some men like skinny girls, some men like more voluptuous ones while others like BBWs.
Women are as bad, if not worse, when it comes to their concepts of physical attractiveness. Put five women in a room and ask about what’s attractive and you’ll end up with six opinions.
Hey, some of ‘em find this unbelievably hot…
But what if you take physicality out of the equation? What sorts of non-physical traits are attractive? And why? And how can you leverage those in order to increase your own attractiveness?
Let’s take a look, shall we?
Confidence
Confidence is one of the most commonly given pieces of advice when guys want to know how to get better with women. It’s also one of the most frustrating because of how vague it can be. “Great, confidence, what the hell does that mean? How do I seem confident? Why the hell is confidence so attractive?”
Confidence is a part of what is sometimes called “alpha” behavior. It’s a sign that someone is self-reliant and has the ability to take care of themselves and others. It’s the mark of someone who knows, deep inside, that they have worth, that they’re worthy of attention. In fact, they deserve it. Evolutionarily speaking, it’s the trait of someone who has the capability to be a good provider and protector to his mate and dependents.
This sort of behavior is magnetic. Humans are pack animals and we naturally gravitate towards those whom we believe can be of a benefit to us. Non-confident people tend to be submissive and cringing; these are not people who would be of great benefit to us when we go mastodon hunting or the saber-tooth tigers come prowling around the villages.
People have different ideas on how to appear confident; some will try cocky-funny humor, making jokes about the size of their cock or how the girl they’ll leave the girl walking bow-legged. Others take a different approach and start throwing out “negs”, little insults that – in theory – are supposed to demonstrate that you feel you are the woman’s social equal if not slightly above her; in practice it mostly comes across as a guy being an immature asshole.
Appearing confident is equal parts physicality and mental outlook. Body language plays a large part of it. Stand up straight with your shoulders held back and your arms dangling loosely at your sides. Take deliberate steps, as though you were walking towards something with purpose and everything should get out of your way. Be willing to take up space. Minimize any short, quick moves; these make you appear nervous. You want to look relaxed. You should move with control and deliberation. And smile. For God’s sake, smile.
Mentally, you need to feel as though you are the shit. You are the king. Good things come into your life and you deserve them. There is nothing that you can’t handle. When you’re approaching women, you can’t hesitate or be shy. you have to approach with the attitude that you already know they’re going to like you and all you’re doing now is getting the formalities out of the way. You need to be willing to touch and to escalate physically.
It can be hard to feel confident at times; this is when emulating the physicality of a confident person will help. Our brains are functionally controlled by our bodies and how our bodies react can retrain our brain. By assuming the physical behaviors, you will be training your brain to respond as though you were confident. Practicing this will help you build up your natural confidence… otherwise known as “fake it until you make it.”
Assertiveness and Leadership
Here, we go back to some evolutionary psychology. As pack animals, we are constantly aware of status; the alphas lead the pack, they get the first choice of food, they get the best choice of mates and are more likely to pass on their genes to their offspring. Being attached to a leader means that, at a primal level, we will be provided for and taken care of. On the more modern level, being a leader means that you have social qualities and the strength of character that draws people to you and inspires them to follow you.
Assertiveness ties into this. You aren’t easily cowed by others. You have the confidence (there’s that aspect again) that you know what to do and what is right and you are willing to fight for it. When it comes to women, it’s a sign that you can handle them. Attractive women are well aware of the power they hold over men; they know instinctively that they intimidate men with their beauty while they arouse them at the same time. Very beautiful women frequently have an attitude of deservedness because of their beauty; they know that guys will like them simply because they’re hot, ergo they feel no need to be “nice” when the slightest bit of niceness from them is all that’s needed to get what they want.
“Come along. If you’re very good and buy drinks for my friends and me, I might let you hold my hand. For a second.”
Being and displaying these attributes means being willing to take charge and make decisions, not just go along with what everyone else is doing. When others are hemming and hawing, you should have a plan. Be willing to stick up for yourself and unwilling to leap through other people’s hoops.
To put it in nerd terms: think of it as channelling your inner Han Solo. Despite her being beautiful and royalty besides, Solo was more than willing to not just address Leia as an equal but to call her out when he thought she was wrong or being foolish. Just remember: there’s a difference between being assertive and being an asshole.
Humor
There’s a reason why “a sense of humor” tops the list of what every woman is looking for in a man. Humor is one of the most fundamental aspects of communication. It’s found in every culture on the planet. It not only predates human language, it predates humanity. We see humor in apes, dolphins, even dogs and rats. Apes have specific laugh-like vocalizations that they use when they’re play fighting or engaging in social interactions that help cement social bonds. Scientists have found that rats actually make high-pitched laughing squeaks when they’re tickled or played with.
Laughter has specific physical responses on the body; it increases oxygenation of the blood and releases endorphins in the brain and boosts the production of seratonin which decreases stress hormones in the body. Laughing with someone helps you to bond with them.
Women respond to a man who can make them laugh because it makes them feel good. Being able to make people laugh means that you can connect with them socially; you can interact with other social groups and make them feel close to you.
Much like assertiveness, there is a line between someone who can make people laugh and becoming a performer. You don’t want to be a dancing monkey, clowning around desperately for other people’s approval. Similarly, while a wry, self-deprecating sense of humor can be entertaining, you don’t want to be the guy who just makes jokes at his own expense.
Pre-Selection
One of the ways to become more attractive women is, paradoxically, to be seen in the company of other attractive women This is known colloquially as pre-selection; the idea that women have already selected you as being someone who is worth interacting with. It affects women on many levels; on the evolutionary level, the presence of other women works as a guide that you have genes that are worth passing along. On the social level, you are displaying that you not only have dated beautiful women before but that you’re not going to be cowed or intimidated by her beauty. And on the purely emotional level, it plays to people’s sense of jealousy and competitiveness; seeing someone with an attractive woman not only inspires her to think that this person clearly has something going for him that she may not be able to perceive yet but it will also make her wonder what that other woman has that she doesn’t.
Of course, this can be a difficult attribute to cultivate and display. How does one demonstrate being attractive to women without already being attractive to women?
It’s the catch-22 of dating.
The easiest way to display this is a wing-woman. If you’re on good terms with an ex-girlfriend or have an attractive-yet-platonic female friend, bring them with you to the bars or parties. Being seen interacting with them – a woman who clearly isn’t a stranger hanging out with you can be excellent girl-bait. In addition to triggering pre-selection, they can talk up you up in ways that you can’t without seeming like you’re bragging.
If you don’t have a wing-woman available, there are ways of displaying pre-selection. At parties or out at bars and clubs, try befriending girls there; being seen with many women will have a similar effect. Talking about the female friends – keeping the exact nature of the relationship somewhat ambiguous – that you hang out with on a regular basis can imply the same relationships… provided that you keep a level of subtlety. Just talking about all the women you’ve dated will either sound as though you are making things up or are desperately trying to convince others of how attractive you are.
Your Lifestyle
A wise man once said that money can’t buy you love… but it can certainly improve one’s bargaining position. Being rich will make you very attractive.
But let’s say you’re like the 98% of the country that isn’t fantastically wealthy. Not being rich isn’t going to hurt you, but your lifestyle can. The women you date will be imagining how they will fit into your lifestyle and what you can offer them. A life of sitting around doing nothing but playing Call of Duty over Xbox Live isn’t going to be as attractive to them as someone who can take them on adventures. When women are looking at you, is she seeing somebody with no ambition and no drive, somebody who’s going to leech off of her at every opportunity? Or is she going to see someone who is clearly going places, even if he’s not there yet? Would dating you mean a life of Netflix and take-out Chinese or going to incredible parties with awesome people? Will you be taking her on hikes along gorgeous trails or will she be dragging you out of your living room?
You need to be willing to take a hard look at yourself and your life and ask “What can my lifestyle offer women?” And be honest. If you don’t like the answer… well, you’re the only one who can fix that. And fixing that part of your life may be the last key to click into place that makes you more attractive to women.
Reading that didn't help, if the only way things will improve for me is changing my entire lifestyle, there is no hope. I don't have "real friends" in the sense of people i hang out with- which means no parties (and i get so bored at those) and i don't do alot of outside stuff because I look like a human towel when i am done.
SO yup. Lonely forever.
First of all, you don't need to change your lifestyle, you need to change your outlook.
Seeing this and thinking 'well there's nothing for me' is completely the wrong way to go about it, start trying to feel positive about it and the prospect of meeting women. Challenge yourself at parties and say I'm going to talk to x number of new people. This doesn't mean women it just means different people. Build up that confidence slowly and go from there, that's all you really need to do.
Not to sound flippant but… how's that working out for you?
Attitude counts for a lot in life; coming into *anything* with the attitude of "It's never gonna work, what's the point, everything's bullshit anyway" is really only a good way of making sure you fail before you even start.
Don't you think you're overstating the evolutionary analysis? Women compete for men's genes, and such? A lot of this would be considered regressive advice. Not to say it's necessarily wrong (it's obviously the subject of intense debate among moralists, scientists, and everyone else), but it's pretty incompatible with the more feminism-compatible articles on this site. "Take up space, be physically unavoidable, project confidence, act manly, etc etc.", as much as you may want to divorce such advice from the negative aspects of traditional masculinity, I don't see how you can somehow integrate it into a more progressive manilosophy (man philosophy?) that doesn't further entrench what might mostly be social conditioning.
There is always an overwhelming emphasis on confidence in practically all online dating advice, now I do not know about the general population of women as a whole, but a large proportion of my female friends have actually said that they find an abundance of confidence in a man, especially a prospective date, off putting. So I would like to just put it out there that there are in fact women who find shy men more attractive and more approachable.
There can be a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and overconfidence can be read as "This is a guy who has inflated self worth and a sense of entitlement." or in other words "This guy might not be safe to be around, he would not question the correctness of his own behaviour, and he would be difficult to talk with if I do not see eye to eye with him on everything."
Unless the girl you are after is supremely confident herself, I would be careful about just how confident you are trying to come across, you may inadvertently scare off some women who would have otherwise been interested.
Given your statement that "just put it out there that there are in fact women who find shy men more attractive and more approachable." I (and I think the average guy that needs the information on this site) are not getting approached by women that like shy men. Unless I want to wait for them to find me I need to learn to be confident enough to find women who I would get along with.
While I won't go so far as metalraygear up there and 'give up at the first sign of trouble', I will say that the bit about lifestyle right at the end was pretty quick.
I'm unemployed, living with my mother, and I don't have my own car, at the age of 29.
I'm going to school, hope to get a good job in computer programming, and my mom actually lives with me since my unemployment check is what pays the bills and she doesn't even have that much. It's still my mom's car that I drive though.
I don't see an easy way out of this position. I'm hoping that going to school (unemployment is paying for it, that's how I'm able to go) means after school I'll get a job, can get an income, and can save up and get out of this place. If I don't get a job after school… I don't know what I'm gonna do. That's the only real option I can see at this point.
I totally understand why women wouldn't want to date a guy in my living situation. I don't even have the privacy to invite her over to my place! I share a studio with my mom and I sleep on the floor. So it really does feel like because of things I can't control, I'm just out of luck in love until things get better.
If them's the breaks, them's the breaks, but I don't blame a guy for having a defeatist attitude, it's awfully hard not to have one myself.
Also, it would be nice to have a few more tips on confidence, since that is the biggest issue. Every time I try to figure out how to 'fake it to make it' I keep coming back to the issue of arrogance. I don't wanna be, or even act like, an arrogant jerk.
Like in the 'how to not be a creep' article, you indicate that there's gonna be a little bit of creepiness as you 'trial and error' your way to the right place. Helping to define the line, the difference between arrogance and confidence, would be a big help.
Lots of people are in a tough situation in this economic day and age! But personally I think attitude makes all the difference, in the end. There's a difference, it seems to me, between a guy who can imagine for himself the day he's done with school and has a job–the day he's *actively working toward*–and the guy who can't and is satisfied with a dead-end job and a less-than-ideal living situation.
Maybe that's part of what makes up confidence, in the end? You're going places, you're just not there yet! And you're taking care of your mother which, for me at least, and for many others, seems to help bump you up to the category of 'good human being' and therefore someone I'd be willing to talk to. (Not in a 'you should go brag about that!' way, but in an 'if this is your explanation for why you'd love to take her home after things have come to that point but you simply can't, then that's more than okay!' sort of way.)
But anyway, my $0.02. I'm not the Doctor, just a random commenter…
Most women don't expect "rich." "Financially prudent," however, is a huge plus. Living with your parents is bad on three fronts: one because of the whole lack of privacy thing, one because it often indicates a lack of maturity, and one because it can often go hand-in-hand with financial mismanagement. Guys who spend all their money on toys end up living with their parents.
It sounds like your situation is different – if your mom lives with you, that's not at all the same thing. And find a way to make sure your dates know that. You'll still have to work around the lack of privacy thing, but there are ways to show you're not a financial loser:
1) Decent quality furniture and decorations. If this means getting one good sofa instead of a crappy three-piece living room set, do it. Keep it clean, take care of it, and display it in a way that shows you're proud of what you've got.
2) Keep your collections reasonable. A handful of action figures in nicely-designed shadowboxes can look tasteful and fun – a shelf stuffed with them screams "I don't know when to quit." That doesn't mean you can't collect more – but rotate them out, don't cram them all on display at once. Corollary to this: know what you're collecting! It's sexy when a guy can explain why he picked that particular comic book cover to frame and put on the wall, because it meant something important to him as art. When his reason for being excited about it boils down to "Owning this will make other nerds think I'm cool," it's just sad.
3) Live within your means. A guy with a flashy car may look like he's getting lots of attention, but women don't want to get in serious relationships with guys who bite off more than they can chew financially. Drive something you can actually pay for, buy the TV you can afford without taking out a loan, and feel confident that if you did end up in a long-term relationship with someone, they wouldn't have to bail you out of debt.
I've always found it really distasteful when somebody is confident without an actual list of accomplishments to base it off of.
With that said i think it can all fit into place. Chances are you've accomplished things but you don't brag about it to yourself much. If you really can't think of anything then start a corny little diary so you're actually recording the little highs you go through from time to time. If you ever learn how to do new things (and you're on the internet right now reading up on how to do something new so it's safe to assume that you do that at least once in awhile,) then you'd have to never remember any of it to completely avoid these moments. There are lots of other ways to get at it too, but learning how to do new things is the big one for me.
After you get the hang of that then you need to learn how to market it. I'm terrible at this step but people really do deserve a summary of what to expect before I just demand that they take the time to get to know me. Selling yourself is not a skill you should ignore, but seeing as I already did I'm lucky I've got the perseverance to eventually catch up with it.
As it stands even if I was going on multiple adventures out traveling every week I wouldn't see that as any answer to the "what can I offer" question. I need to fix that but it takes awhile to figure out how to think differently.
Does anyone have any good advice for a 41 yr old virgin just starting out in The Game? I need all the encouragement I can get.
1) Don't think of it as a game!
2) Being a virgin is not a bad thing. Don't apologize for it, but do mention it before jumping in the sack. (Ten minutes before is perfectly fine.) Some women enjoy the thought of being a guy's first, some women appreciate the heads-up so they know to communicate more explicitly, and some women might have more questions for you before you start doing the deed. Be honest, but don't be ashamed.
I am a female. And this is giving off vibes of Nice Guy tm. Just because you are confident doesn’t mean I’ll like you. Stop talking about us as if we are animals who can be influenced by petty junk. This stuff will just increase probability of meeting someone, not guarantee anything.
Sorry, that was harsh, and this was on the tone more so than the info.
You must be new here. Welcome to the site, have a look around – you’ll find that Dr. Nerdlove really strives to have men avoid becoming the Nice Guy(TM) and to recognise that men are not owed attention by women. And part of making sure guys don’t try the Nice Guy (TM) route is to get them to be confident enough to ask instead of hanging around waiting.