Do You Suffer From Oneitis?

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Do you suffer from an unrealized crush?

Do you have a break-up you haven’t been able to recover from, even though it’s been months? Years?

Have you ever felt like nobody else could ever possibly mean as much to you as she does/did?

Do you feel as though this is your one chance at true love?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be suffering from oneitis. oneitis is a common affliction, especially amongst geeks, affecting millions of men and women daily. Symptoms can include feelings of hopelessness, heart palpitations, dry mouth, depression, anxiety and an inability to seek out other romantic or sexual relationships. Left untreated, oneitis can lead to complete sexual dysfunction, weight loss, weight gain, impotence, alcoholism, stress-induced smoking, loss of friends and restraining orders.

But don’t worry; oneitis is a completely curable disease. When caught in the early stages, oneitis easily treated. Even the most chronic cases can be treated, and sufferers of oneitis can go on to lead normal, fully functional lives.

"Man, this is even better than that time I caught herpes and went on Valtrex!"


But before we get to the cure, let’s look a little closer at oneitis.

What Is Oneitis?

Oneitis is a common affliction amongst nerds, especially nerds who are relatively inexperienced with relationships. Unlike many similar afflictions, oneitis can be found equally amongst men and women, among homosexuals and heterosexuals. And much to the dismay of everyone around the victim, cases of oneitis can linger for years. 

oneitis, put bluntly, is a crush gone out of control and turned into something that’s a borderline obsession. Sufferers from oneitis become fixated on one person and believe that nobody else in the world could possibly measure up to how perfect they are. In it’s earliest stages, oneitis feels almost exactly like the honeymoon period of a new relationship. Everything they do is fascinating and you just can’t stop staring at them when you think they aren’t looking. You do surreptitious deep-breathing exercises in their vicinity just so that you can properly appreciate how good they smell. The way the sunlight glints in their hair is hypnotic. You look their name up in the phonebook just so you can see it in print. You find yourself imagining all those happily ever afters that you know are coming; sometimes you have the 2.5 kids, the 1.8 cars and the house in the suburbs. Sometimes you’re the arty bohemian couple that’s at the center of the cultural life in the big city and sometimes – not often but sometimes – it’s just the two of you in a chalet in the Swiss in a dream montage that looks suspiciously like the Nestlé White Chocolate commercials from the ’80s.

There may only be five of you who remember this commercial but now the song's stuck in your head. You're welcome.

Unfortunately… this glorious honeymoon period is also entirely one-sided.

Yup. Your crush is utterly unrequited. It’s like being back in junior high again and you can’t stop thinking about the cute girl who sat three seats down from you in Geometry, but she doesn’t know you exist.

But this isn’t any chaste school-boy crush. Oh no. Not by any stretch of the imagination. You may protest that your love is pure but your gonads tell a different story. You have strained your eyes trying desperately to develop x-ray vision in the hopes of seeing her naked. You know exactly how his ass looks when he’s walking versus when he’s running and you can’t help but imagine the quarters you could bounce off of it. You have, frankly, wanked yourself half-blind over a veritable cornucopia of sexual fantasies, including that one involving a Slip-and-Slide, four hula-hoops, an industrial sized tub of lubricant and a copy of Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart video.

Unlike your typical crush, oneitis becomes an all-consuming obsession. At least with typical crushes, you’re still interested in other people. Not with oneitis. When you’re suffering from oneitis, you haven’t just put them up on a pedestal, you’ve elevated them to the state of being The One. She’s no longer just Angie, the hot chick who lives in your dorm, she is your destiny. Your One True Love. She is the one whom all others shall be judged against and found wanting. You have no room in your heart or your genitals for anybody but her.

What makes oneitis interesting is how it overlaps with the Friend Zone without necessarily being a symptom of it. You see, while oneitis frequently affects nerds trapped in the Friend Zone, it can just as easily affect nerds who’ve actually had a relationship with the object of their obsession. Oneitis can frequently be caused by being dumped in the first place.

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