Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I have a situation that I’m looking for answers for and i hope you can help me out.
I meant this guy through my mom, he was college student completing his masters at the time. My intentions were only to become his friend, so my girlfriend and I hung out with him the first at the movie theater. He totally came off serious, very direct and nervous. I know other people including my girlfriend labeled him as a “serious-nerd”; however, I saw past that. In fact. I found him interesting to get to know and be around.
So I invited him to a cultural event in which he decided to attend with me. He enjoyed it! As weeks progressed we would continue to make plans together such as hanging out at cafe’s or checking out city attractions. I would always invite my girlfriend, so she started building a friendship with him too. So, I had thought it would be a good idea to have them hang out more often alone, so I would make arrangements to allow that. I had felt that my motive was good because they both communicated so well, and shared similar behavior and perspective toward health and fitness.
As weeks progressed, he would always offer his assistance such as taking me to work, picking me up for work-out sessions, take me to lunch, helping my family out during the time my mother had transportation problems, taking my mother to work @ 4 am in the morning, and not to mention less than 2 months in our friendship he helped me out pay for a bill. I was really surprised in how generous and caring he was for my mom and I.
This is where my suspicion kicks in, he brought up a conversation with me about my mom having us meet because she was hoping something romantic would evolve. This struck me with confusion and I felt slightly awkward because personally my mother would definitely confide in me if she’s playing matchmaker. I told him ” well we don’t really have things in common and that you are in a different stage in life, you have a lot going on in your life” (He started speaking very fast so I figured he was nervous) He told me: “We have things in common that’s why were friends if we didn’t we wouldn’t even be friends. I hope your not thinking of the stuff I did and think I’m hitting on you because I’m not.” I just reassured him that I like meeting my mom’s co-workers or friends. I know my answer was nonsense but I really didn’t know how to answer that at the time.
Since then, I have been thinking of that conversation and realized that I’m beginning to have feelings for him. He has done so much nice things for me, recently he took me out of town to a place I wanted to visit, he just spontaneously called me the next morning and asked to take me there so I went for it! I’m still learning how to read him, so I don’t know if he likes me more than a friend or just a generous friend who is trying to help out.
I know I’m oblivious to the signs of interest from a guy because personally I don’t have that much experience to begin with. So any advice or suggestions would be welcomed! I hope to hear from you soon!! ^_^
Ask him out already, sheesh!
Let me break down how the typical male nerd goes about trying to get a girl to go out with him: he tends to hang around her and be the typical nice guy in hopes that she will eventually realize that she’s fallen in love with him. This is what’s known in nerd love advice-giving circles as “The Platonic Friend Backdoor Gambit”, and it’s popular amongst geeks in love because it’s the ultimate in low-risk/high-reward behavior: you don’t risk getting rejected and in the (unlikely) event that it works, you get to upgrade from Platonic Friend to Boyfriend.
It’s the ultimate in Nice Guy courtship behavior because it ensures that they don’t have to actually go through the pain of actually being rejected and allows them to keep hope alive. Some guys will try to push things along by making joking-but-not-really statements about the relationship the two of you have; these will run the gamut from comments about how you should be dating, his being in love with you, how someone thinks the two of you would make a great couple to straight up asking you out on a date kinda sorta. The point, of course, is to have things both ways; if things don’t proceed according to the Nora Ephron movie he’s got playing in his brain and you don’t leap eagerly into his arms, he can back up, pretend that it was all a big joke, I’m totally not hitting on you and why did you take this so seriously ha ha ha forget I said anything. Then he can go home, put “Against All Odds” on endless repeat in iTunes and get back to updating his friends-locked LiveJournal1 about how lonely he is and how the girl he loves thinks of him as just a friend and get a deluge of condolences and commiseration from his fellow geeks.
(I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again: half of the time, geeks put themselves in the friend zone because they enjoy the suffering almost more than the idea of dating their goddesses. Anyone can get rejected. A guy with unrequited love is special.)
Stop me if any of this sounds familiar.
Now, it could very well be that he’s just a really nice guy who’s willing to go so far above and beyond the call of duty for friends – or many family members – that he’s always giving you rides to work and the gym, inviting you out to lunch,acting as a temporary chauffeur, buying you stuff and takes you on vacations with absolutely no agenda other than the pleasure of your company and the quiet satisfaction of being a good guy.
But I kinda doubt it.
But hey, unless you take a shot and make your move, anything’s possible. If you don’t make a move when he takes you on this spontaneous vacation, you need to straight-up ask him out on a date – not a “let’s get together for a friendly platonic meal”, not “I’m bored let’s go see a movie/go to a museum/see a show”, an actual cannot-be-mistaken-for-anything-else, pick-me-up-at-8-and-bring-flowers-expect-a-goodnight-kiss date.
And then he can evolve from being a dude with a bad case of Oneitis to being one of the guys who actually managed to escape the Friend Zone.
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