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Like approximately 41% of America, my parents were divorced. In fact, most kids I knew growing up were from one-parent (or weekend-parent) families. The older I got, the number of friends whose parents were still married shrank correspondingly. By college, they were a rarity, almost to the point of being an attraction worthy of any circus side-show. Honestly, I could count their number on the fingers of one hand and still have a couple digits left over for spares.
After graduation, I had been hanging out with a friend and his rather astonishingly cool parents. They were shockingly funny and easy to talk to… and they had rather excellent taste in beer. I fully expect them to be played by Stanley Tucci and Laura Linney in the film of their life. Since my friend and I were newly single – one of us more bitter about it than other – the four of us were chatting about relationships. My friend’s father just began to grin like a shark, listening to the two of us gripe about our now-nonexistent love lives, and shared the sort of knowing look with his wife that indicates a well-worn inside joke. “I know I’m supposed to be all nostalgic about the ‘good ol’ days’ back when I was a big swinging dick…” he said
“When was that, exactly?” interrupted his wife.
“…but Christ almighty,” he said with a suitably dramatic sigh. “You have no idea how glad I am to not have to worry about that crap. Me and her,” he said, jerking his head over at his wife, “have been together for about… how long was it?”
“30 years,” she said, rolling her eyes at him.
“30 years,” he agreed. He took a sip of Guinness and continued. “Some of ‘em actually happy.”
Then his wife smacked him with a throw pillow.
As staged as that little performance had been, that phrase actually set a few thoughts in motion for me. Despite having had a couple of relatively long term relationships (for me, anyway) under my belt, I still had very little idea of what made them work. As little as I knew about actually meeting, dating, or successfully seducing women, I knew even less about keeping them. It was only years later that I started to understand a few things about relationship maintenance that I wish I’d known back then.
The problem that a lot of guys face is that we can get too caught up in the thrill of the chase; the racing pulse and quickness of breath that stems from an early crush, the anxiousness, the anticipation… All of it leading up to the moment when everything comes together, love blooms on the battlefield, the credits roll and the couple lives happily ever after.
Unfortunately, ever after can be pretty damned short if you don’t know how to take care of your relationship in the first place. Relationships – whether they’re for one year or thirty – take work. They require maintenance and care, and if you aren’t providing it, they can break down faster than you’d believe.
Don’t Settle Down Too Far
The courtship phase of a relationship requires you to be on your toes. You know that you need to sweep her off her feet, so it’s your job to be awesome 24/7.
You need to be at your best at all times because you know damned good and well that if you slip up, there’s another guy just drooling over the opportunity to swoop in and snatch her out from under you. So you’re keeping the simple carbs low, loading up on chicken and broccoli, maybe looking into some weight training to tone up a little because you know you want the first time she sees you naked to be nothing short of magical. Your clothes are clean and neat, your bachelor pad is clean and organized. You’re ready for a date to turn magical at a moment’s notice.
But once you’ve passed the courtship phase into the couple phase? Well…
Let’s be honest. It can take a lot of effort to maintain that constant state of awesome. And with relationships comes familiarity and familiarity means… well, you can let yourself relax a little. You both are going to have seen each other’s flaws. You know she snores when she sleeps. She knows that under normal circumstances, your bathroom looks like Sherman marched through it on the way to Atlanta. You’ve burped, farted and scratched yourselves in front of each other and you’re both ok with that.
The problem is, familiarity breeds comfort, and comfort can mean letting the standards slip. A little slippage is to be expected; after all, you’re not having to prove yourself now.
So maybe instead of getting the grilled skinless chicken you get the pasta carbonara. Or maybe a couple of extra sodas during the day. Maybe you skip a workout or two; it’s ok, you’re busy, it happens. You don’t necessarily dress as sharp as you did before. Little things. Little changes to your routine.
But those little changes add up quickly if you aren’t paying attention to them. And before too long, well… lots of little changes turns into 20 lbs.
C'mon, it's not like she's going anywhere, right?
Look, time and age make fools of us all; everything’s inevitably going to swell and sag as time and gravity have their way with us. But making an effort at keeping yourself in fighting trim is a mark in your favor. It tells her that you still care whether or not she still thinks you’re sexy and that you want to make the effort to make sure that she does.
Plus: let’s face it, sex is so much better when you’re in shape.
But while we’re talking about getting too comfortable…
… And The Only Place You Take Her Is For Granted.
When you’re single and dating, it’s all about going out. Movies, dinner, romantic walks in the park, spontaneous little outings just because you like the way that her eyes crinkle when she’s happy and surprised. The thrill of new love gives you stamina like you had never known and you’re wanting to spend it all on her. Even when you’re an official couple, that rush that comes over you will have you giggling like a schoolboy as the two of you frolic in the gauzy haze of a romantic montage.
But even the most rollicking couple is going to slow down over time. There will be more nights on the couch, catching up on episodes of Supernatural or Community. There will be weekends where all you will want to do is just decompress after a long and stressful week of the exams, crazy bosses and looming deadlines. Sometimes you’ll be so wrapped up in the mundane activities that make up day to day life that you’ll realize you just don’t have the time or inclination to take an unplanned road trip out to the hill country just because you think it might be fun. As time goes by, you settle into into a routine; Monday through Thursday finds the two of you in front of the TV. Maybe Friday night you go out with your friends, or she takes a girl’s night out. Saturdays mean going through the Netflix cue, Sundays are paying bills and housecleaning. Then, before you know it, a routine has become a rut and as you flip through the suggestions based on your love of wacky action comedies, you’re wondering where all the excitement in your life has gone. Meanwhile, your lovely significant other will be remembering the days she was single and every night meant something new.
Ruts feel like they can be inescapable and you might feel as though you need to resort to extreme measures to break out of them. While making big plans – exotic vacations, expensive candle-lit dinners at romantic restaurants, moving in/out/into a new place can shake things up, these aren’t long-term solutions. You don’t want to play an ace when a deuce will do. It’s like trying to circulate water with dynamite; it’ll make for an impressive blast and some excitement, but things will settle back down fairly quickly.
Instead, add something new to the routine, something that the two of you can do together. It can be as simple as taking dancing or cooking classes, or getting friends together for a bi-weekly roving dinner party… it just needs to be something that can inject a steady level of newness into your life. Adding a little chaos to the mix can help push you out of the rut.
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Another important factor: A willingness on both sides to make it work. Long term relationships take work.
I would also add a lot of people really just have expectations that are way too high. it can't be fireworks all the time.
"And therein lies the problem… you may be correct, but that doesn’t mean that you’re actually right."
I was rather confused by this section. I'm not saying that people never do this (the good doctor is much more experienced than I am!), nor that responding emotionally is inherently wrong, but why would someone stay angry after the issue that caused their anger has been resolved? I am a woman, and conflicts with my (female) friends usually go like this:
>"I'm upset with you because of X."
>"I didn't realize that X upset you." Then, they either stop doing X or discuss why I was upset by X in the first place. If X was the result of a misunderstanding, then it is essentially nullified; the source of my anger did not actually exist, so there is no reason to be angry.
I agree completely that couples need to pick their battles, but it seems so counter-intuitive to stay angry if you're incorrect. Wouldn't it be more beneficial to advise the woman in your scenario to examine and express her emotions in a more productive, mature way, instead of asking the man to concede to incorrect, ill-founded feelings? Please note that I am not saying that the man is always necessarily correct, but when he is correct, why does the fact that his partner cannot handle her emotions cause him to be in the wrong? You can't take the effect and make it the cause.
As for "I didn't realize X upset you," well, sometimes your significant other/ friend has no excuse for not realizing that X was upsetting. If (hypothetically) a few weeks go by and I'm the only one washing dishes, doing the grocery shopping, doing laundry, cooking, or performing some other household chore, and my SO doesn't pitch in or even acknowledge it–that's not a simple misunderstanding. It's her/ him being massively inconsiderate, inattentive, neglectful, entitled, or possibly lazy.
If someone, either an SO or a friend, takes advantage of our relationship, either maliciously or because they couldn't be arsed to be considerate, I have a right to be ticked.
Right. If the man in the scenario (just using this because it's how Doc framed the example, I'm not saying that all men or women necessarily behave that way) is genuinely incorrect, then there is a problem for his partner to be upset about, and those feelings are perfectly legitimate. Only using X was a simple example; in the case that you noticed, it would be more like:
>"I'm upset because you never wash the dishes." (X)
>"I didn't realize that never washing the dishes upset you/I didn't realize that I had been so inattentive/etc."
>"I'm upset because you're lazy/inattentive." (Y)
So, now the woman in this scenario has two reasons to be upset, where Y is based on X, which can be resolved through behavior modification and communication. But if the scenario was more like this:
>"I'm upset because you never do the dishes."
>"That's not true; I've been doing the dishes."
If this is the case, and the man is correct, then his partner cannot claim X or Y, because Y is dependent on X and X is untrue. I don't see how the man would be in the wrong if his partner decided to stay angry at this point– yes, it is very smart to pick your battles, and conceding to the angry partner would likely smooth things over for the time being. But if your partner cannot manage their emotions to the point where they continue to fuel their anger after the issue has been resolved, I can't see the relationship being healthy.
Wouldn't it be better to advise the woman in this scenario to manage her emotions better, so that she can be happier with herself and avoid unnecessary conflict in the future, than to advise the man to give in when she behaves this way, which only temporarily avoids the issue? (I'm not saying that this would prevent fights altogether, as they're inevitable, but it's hard to expect a healthy relationship with someone who starts fights when there is no real issue.) It seems like the doctor's asking people to sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of someone who chooses to make both themselves and their partner unhappy.
Well, yes, if your partner is trying to gaslight you, that is a serious problem. What with that being serious emotional abuse and all that jazz… You would be better off kicking their tush to the curb than "advising them to manage their emotions better."
The problem is that, doing the dishes oh, once a month, means that yes, you do actually do the dishes sometimes, but it isn't helpful. Remember, statistically women still to a larger proportion of the housework (look up "the second-shift") while still working. So yeah, doing some housework occasionally isn't helpful in the end if she is still doing the bulk of it. I don't mean stereotypical "man-chores" like taking out the trash, I mean the more time consuming chores (laundry, dishes, vaccuming, etc.) and maybe sit down and find an equitable way to divide the chores up (like she cooks, you wash up or she cleans these rooms and you clean these other rooms, or whatever). So yes, logically what she is saying isn't valid, but when you think about it, she has a point.
It's not enough to say "I didn't realize X upset you." All you've done there is acknowledge your lack of knowledge. You need to recitify the fact that your actions negatively impacted someone. The better answer is "I didn't realize X upset you, and I'm sorry my doing/not doing X had hurt you.I didn't mean to cause harm."
In one, you're acknowledging the action that needs changing, in the other your acknowledging the impact your action/lack of action has on another human being. That impact is so much more important than the action of X.
A good way to avoid arguments like that is to make the action in question "feel." Instead of "you never do the dishes," try "I feel like I'm the only one doing any work around here." The logical party can then address the logic of the emotion rather than the perceived accusation. An arrangement that feels inequitable can be renegotiated more easily than a point-scoring argument resolved.
Granted, there's still room for "you're wrong to feel that way," but it's less likely.
Mike, do you mean a good way for men to avoid arguments with women? Because personally (as a guy), I'd much rather deal with a straight-up request like "please do some more dish-washing" than a passive-aggressive "I feel like you never do any work around here".
It's much easier to follow a direct instruction than to get a vague hyperbolic accusation (with words like "never" and "always") and be expected to figure out by myself what to do about hurt emotions. Heaven forbid if I don't mind-read correctly.
what he's saying is that if my girlfriend walks in and I'm watching TV and she snaps at me and says: "You never wash the dishes!" then my instinct is to start thinking about the past few times I did do the dishes and shove it in her face to prove to her that this "never" accusation is wrong. That's a quick way to get into an argument.
If I get, instead, a nagging "I feel like you never wash dishes," then instead my first thought is to comfort her and generally be more likely to suggest that I help out.
I think it's good advice.
I think you meant Stanley Tucci, not Albert. Played Emma Stone's astonishingly cool dad in "Easy A." And a mad scientist fleeing the Nazis in "Captain America." And a serial killer in "The Lovely Bones," but he still made a very cool dad.
Dammit!
Er, I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Telling someone "you need to manage your emotions better" regardless of who is right in the sitch seems pretty equivalent to "your emotions aren't valid and you have no right to feel them"…which if the person is already upset seems more damaging than the original issue.
Not to mention there are situations where there is no objective "right."