Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
This question may seem typical at first but bear with me. I am a 25 year old, comedian who goes to school part time. According to others, I’m “hot” , funny and sensitive. I’m a pretty happy guy, who has a core of best friends and love talking to people.
The problem is, every girl I talk to thinks I’m gay.
Don’t get me wrong, If i were gay, I’d be knee deep in STD’s and be well known in the community but sadly I’m not. On top of this I, until a few days ago really had no confidence in my appearance. I’m a former fat kid with image issues, yadda yadda snore. I just had a female friend deconstruct me as to what was my problem and she has drawn the conclusion that girls think I am gay because I’m interested in what they have to say instead of being interested in their bodies.
Wait, what?
My question is, what do i have to do to make things progress faster during a party atmosphere? My problem isn’t talking, it’s what I should be doing to let the other person know that I’m interested.
Funny Guy
Ah, the gay objection. There’s nothing quite as head-scratching to a guy who thinks he’s getting somewhere with a woman, only to hear “Wait… I thought you were gay?”
I used to get the gay objection frequently when I had just started getting better with women. In fact, a lot of guys do, especially if they’re not used to being more aggressive at approaching women.
Now, from the sound of it – you don’t give too many details, so it’s hard to judge – what’s going on is that you’re introducing a certain amount of incongruity into your interaction with women. What you’re saying isn’t matching up with the message you’re sending, and this is making the women you’re talking to have to understand the difference.
This is something that I had a problem with early on, and I suspect that you’re having the same issue: you’re talking a great game, but you’re making no attempts to follow through. You may be flirting up a storm, but the rest of your behavior’s indicating that you’re not really interested; you’re keeping your distance, you’re not touching her or giving her other signs that you’re sexually interested in her. You’re seeing it as being respectful. She’s seeing it as two conflicting messages and is averaging them out to something that makes sense under the circumstances: “Oh! He must be gay!”
Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that the key here is that you just have to start mauling girls to make sure you get your point across. You just have to be willing to up the levels of intimacy in your interaction with her and be willing to make the fact that you’re interested in her sexually a part of your repertoire. Critically, you’re going to have to learn to be willing to touch her. Touch is a powerful – yet underutilized – technique when it comes to flirting. Put your arm around her and give her a side hug, then let go and step back. When she makes a joke,push her away gently yet playfully. Touch her arm with the back of your hand as you’re making a point or put your hand on the small of her back and walk her over to the drinks or the snack table. Throw her a high-five. If her fingers weave with yours, keep holding her hand. And yes, if there’s an opportunity and she’s giving you the signals (especially the triangle gaze: her eyes look from one eye to the other, down to your lips, back up to your eyes) kiss her.
Doc,
I remember your ‘Geek Girl’ post, about the fantasized nerdy girl who will play video games with you and then fuck your brains out, who is also a model. It’s fantasy, not real, except when it is. Or is there a catch?
I met one, or rather, she met me. She’s a model, red head (a plus), plays video games, and get this, is an artist/animator too! But. . . she has a boyfriend, who she is having issues with. This doesn’t mean the game is up, after all she contacted me, we hit it off, and she was quick to let me know that the relationship is not a stable one. Subtle hints perhaps?
Now comes the real complications. She has also confided in me that she has multiple financial issues, can’t get a job, doesn’t really have a place to stay (is moving between friends), and I realized that recently I was listening to all this for about 30-40 minutes on the phone while just nodding my head and going ‘mhm’.
Am I becoming the white knight? It’s in the back of my mind. I want her to get a job, reach her goals on her own and not present myself as that savior, or person she can depend on. I’m looking for someone to hang out with, have fun, and have sex, and not to worry constantly about ‘if she needs me’ or anything so dramatic. I feel as though she might be trying to push me in that direction, or at least into the friend zone, perhaps involuntarily by needing someone to vent to. I see that pit and I don’t want to fall in, but at the same time this girl is amazing and I’d like to keep the relationship going.
What’s a nerd to do?
Animators In Lurve
Let’s see: gorgeous girl – a redhead even (BONUS), model and artist contacts you out of the blue; I’m assuming it’s via a dating site or something similar, since you don’t say. She can’t pay her bills. She doesn’t have a steady address. Can’t find a job.
Oh, and she’s got a boyfriend buuuuuuuut…. it may or may not be on the rocks.
Am I really going to have to say it?
You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?
OK, fine:
So let’s game out this scenario a little. She’s into you, but she has a boyfriend. But hey, that relationship may be ending soon… and wouldn’t you look like an awesome dude if you were able to help her out with her problems a little? Not that she’ll ever suggest that you should, in fact, she’ll be quite shocked if you made the offer, even push back against it. But it’s so hard bouncing from couch to couch and the job market’s so goddamn tough right now. And did she mention that she and her boyfriend had another fight? She has no idea why she’s still with him really…
Your issue isn’t with risking being a White Knight, it’s with risking getting conned.
Now I’m not saying she’s a gold-digger…1 but I am saying saying that this is looking an awful lot like someone’s trying to find herself a sucker.
Frankly, everything about this is setting my spider-sense to tingling.
In fairness: yeah, it’s hard out there right now. The job market still sucks, and there are plenty of people having to couch-surf in order to have a place to sleep. However, I’ve been gulled before though (though thankfully not to the point of serious financial involvement) and this sounds entirely too much like a con job to me.
Y’see, that Schrodinger’s Boyfriend of hers is the honey-pot; that’s what she’s going to be dangling over your head as the incentive to help her out. It’ll always be juuuuuust out of reach, but maybe if she were able to get back on her feet she might actually leave him. It’s that potential that makes it so attractive. What we can’t have is always more appealing than what we can, and so her relationship status will always be in flux – tantalizingly close, but far enough out of reach that it you still aren’t able to grasp it (and by it, I mean her boobs). She’ll never outright ask for your help finding a job. Or to crash at your place. Or to loan her a little money to keep her on her feet… because it’s way more powerful if you think it’s your idea. Especially if you think it’ll get you closer to what you want – her.
Whether you want her to love you for being her savior or whether you just want to tap that ass is irrelevant to her; your wallet and/or ability to provide her with things (like a job) is.
You don’t say whether you’ve met this girl in person; I’m guessing you haven’t. I’m further willing to bet that you’re gonna have a hard time managing to convince her to meet up. She will likely have a very plausible reason why she can’t hang out with you, but wants to keep talking via email, IM and the phone. Why? Because I’m willing to put down actual money that she doesn’t really look like her pictures.
Maybe she does. Maybe she’s willing to meet up in person. That wouldn’t really assuage my suspicions; it just means she’s a little bolder than others out there. Doesn’t matter.
This whole thing stinks to high-heaven and you should be proceeding with absolute caution if you insist on trying to keep things going. Do not offer her money or assistance in finding a job or a place to stay. If she hints at it, you can point out relevant listings on Craigslist. Watch out for hints of how “grateful” she would be for some help. She may have a sudden “emergency”. She may even get mad at you or try to guilt you into helping her. You must, must remain non-reactive. If I’m right – and I’m certain I am – she’ll be looking for any leverage she might be able to use to get at you before she moves on to an easier mark.
Remember: the penis has no conscience, no memory and no ability to look more than 20 minutes ahead and she’ll have no problems using this against you. Keep your blood in your brain, not in your shorts.
I could be wrong. She could be legit.
But I seriously doubt it.
Good luck.
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