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Today we have a question that I think has wider applications than the standard Ask Dr. NerdLove. The letter writer in question has a number of issues and concerns that are actually incredibly common amongst men, and I feel that this is worth exploring in depth.
So let’s get started.
Hi Doc, I’m a big fan of your blog, and was wondering if you could offer me some words of advice, or at least some consolation.
I’m 33 and still a virgin. I’ve had a few opportunities to have one-night stands in the past, but my problem is, I have serious performance issues. I have a fairly low libido and do not develop spontaneous erections often, much less then the pressure of the spotlight is on me. At a handful of times in my life, I could have gone all the way with a girl, but I get nervous in these cases, and I just don’t get hard. It doesn’t help that when I was dating my only girlfriend (a girl I was not at all attracted to, physically or emotionally), we actually tried to go all the way and I couldn’t do it. I really haven’t been able to get rid of the burden of shame and fear ever since. Sometimes the thought just makes me ill.
I largely know the problem, though: an over-reliance on internet porn has largely compartmentalized my sexuality into “something I do by myself, in the privacy of my own home”. I’m really trying to break this habit, but even when I go a week or more without masturbating, I don’t feel much of a change. I definitely want real physical affection, even if I don’t need to get my rocks off immediately. But is there any hope for me to actually perform for a woman some day?
Thanks,
Guy with Performance Anxiety
Hey GPA,
Let’s start off with the obvious: It’s ok that you’re still a virgin. One thing that annoys me about our culture is the idea of sexual performance and experience as a measure of masculinity; the level of pressure inflicted upon young men to get laid actually does a great deal of psychological harm and sets up all sorts of absurd standards and expectations. As a result we have people rushing into sex before they’re ready and others who feel somehow less because they haven’t had sex. In both cases, you can end up with any number of issues and performance issues based around sex. It wrecks their self-esteem and even pathologizes the sex act itself. A number of the issues I see in the letters I receive from my readers stem from the pressure that they feel to meet some arbitrary standard sexually.
The other thing that I want you to know is that you’re not alone. There are many, many people who have issues similar to yours. They’re not uncommon, nor are they insurmountable. It may seem like a daunting mess at first, but it becomes incredibly manageable if you start to break things down.
Let’s start off small: your low libido. You don’t mention whether you have always had a low libido or if it’s decreased over time, nor do you mention whether this is something you’re concerned about. Having a low libido isn’t inherently a bad thing. Some people naturally have a lower libido than others. If it is something you’re concerned about, then the best thing you can do is make an appointment with your doctor and have your hormone levels checked. It’s entirely possible that you have low testosterone levels, which can be remedied via hormone replacement therapy.
You may also have issues with depression, which would certainly exacerbate the other issues. In addition, certain medications, especially antidepressants or anti-anxiety medicines can also affect your sex drive. When I was younger, I had issues with chronic depression and had to go on Zoloft; not only did it kill my sex-drive deader than the dodo, but the few times I could be bothered with sex, it made actually reaching orgasm next to impossible. If you’re taking any antidepressants or other medicines, you should see about having your prescription adjusted until you find a medication and dosage that works with fewer side-effects.
In the meantime, you should also look to your diet and exercise levels. Obesity and a lack of exercise can not only contribute to lowered libido and testosterone on the physical level, but they can negatively affect your self-esteem. It’s hard to be interested in sex when your sense of self-worth is lower than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut. A healthier diet – fewer simple carbs, more green leafy vegetables and lean protein – and regular exercise can do wonders; not only do they help boost your testosterone level but they provide a rush of endorphins and help you look better to boot. And there’s nothing quite like looking in the mirror and thinking “Goddamn, I am a sexy motherfucker” to boost the ol’ self-esteem.
Well hello there Mr. Sexy...
Don’t concern yourself with the number of spontaneous erections you have per day; you’re naturally going to have fewer as you get older. When you hit your mid-30s, you’re not going to be getting the sudden wood that you used to get when you were in your mid-teens.
Now as for the performance issues…
Good news! Your problems aren’t strictly physical. The fact that you masturbate to internet porn is a sign that you do get hard and get off… just not when other people are involved.
Yet.
I wouldn’t be so quick to blame Internet porn for an inability to perform sexually. While it is possible to wear a groove into your brain’s pleasure centers that says “This is how I get off!”, I think your issues are far more basic.
Y’see, I don’t see compartmentalization as the issue. The issue is that you’ve built sex up into this massive thing of supreme importance that describes everything about who you are. You’ve allowed your anxiety to become a defining label, where your inability to perform has become part of how you see yourself. In your head, you’re The Guy Who Can’t Get It Up. That in turn, makes you even more anxious to perform when it “counts” and the pressure you put yourself under further undermines your ability to get hard or get off. It doesn’t help that you’re also undoubtedly convinced that everybody is judging you based on this too.
It kinda looks like this in your head.
You’ve put sex up on a pedestal and given it such momentous significance to your life that it you’re intimidated by it. So now you’re already working at a disadvantage – you’re seeing sex as this alpha and omega of who you are as a man - and then on top of that, you have immense, impossible expectations of it and you. It’s no surprise that your dick goes limp… you’ve set yourself up for failure, and the fact that you “failed” further reinforces that set-up, which becomes a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle.
Seriously: how the fuck is anyone supposed to get hard with that much pressure on them?
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Kind Doctor,
your advice is sound and great and everything. However, I kind of resent your definition of sex. A penis penetrating the vagina is not the only "actual" sex out there. I'd say the mutual masturbation and oral sex you mention before should count as sex and "performing for a woman".
Also a good way to take the pressure of himself would be to tell the lady-friend "No, no. This time it's going to be all about you." That way she won't be looking for a hard-on and he can observe his arousal levels undisturbed.
To be fair though, "A penis penetrating the vagina" is the most conventional definition of "sex".
Problem is, that definition means gay men and lesbians never truly have sex. :/ Sex =/= penetration.
Sex is a very vague word which has a meaning which can be shaped by the context.
Obviously in this context, "sex" means heterosexual, penetration copulation. Obviously there are other forms of sex, but neither the question asker nor the good Dr have them in mind. There is no need for the Dr to be strictly technical and accurate in his word usage. Everyone should understand what's going on, so that level of pedantry would just be… annoying
^ Someone's watched "Chasing Amy" a few too many times
Actually I agree with fw. If you're not in the mood for penetration then oral sex is a very good option. It satisfies the lady while taking the pressure off of you. Of course, good oral takes practice. I'd recommend the book "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" by Ian Kerner as a great resource.
I agree with fw too, but on the whole I like this advice. I do think that it's worth trying to give up the porn for a while as well though. There's a mounting body of evidence to suggest use of porn, especially on the internet where there's an endless supply, does make people less able to perform with a real partner. There's lots of cases coming up of men in their 20s and 30s who suffer erectile dysfunction with partners, but not during porn-aided masturbation. Depending on the frequency of use and the type of porn (violent, extreme, 'deviant' or otherwise shocking scenes have the worst effect) a person can cause their whole body to stop responding to normal stimuli. It takes months without porn to reverse these effects, so a week or so without it won't have had a noticeable positive effect.
Not to suggest the LW's problem is entirely porn-based, I think the doctor's anxiety explanation is spot-on, just that it might help to try to phase out the porn as well since the LW already thinks it's contributing to the problem.
I read an essay about a gentleman who weaned himself off of porn in order to normalize his sex life. Turns out a portion of the problem was that his masturbation technique was that of the death grip. PIV sex couldn't satisfy him because the human vagina can't grip a penis as tight as one's hand can. It was on the Good Men Project's site.
That's a fairly common problem, actually. A lot of guys acclimate themselves via masturbation to sensation or pressure that the human body – anal, vaginal or oral – simply can't match, whether it's through using the Death Grip or from humping the space between the mattress and box spring or rubbing themselves against some insanely textured surface like a beach towel.
Dan Savage – official NerdLove Celebrity Spirit Animal – talks about this a lot.
This article made me curious as a female reader. What can I do if I am afraid to show my body to my partner in fear of them being disgusted by me? It gives me alot of anxiety and fearful of having sex.
Turn off the lights and have them go by touch.
More seriously: that's the sort of issue where I'd recommend talking to a therapist. I don't know what it is about your body that you think others would find repulsive or even if your view is accurate; part of the issue with dysmorphia is that you literally don't see it how it really looks. So, not to pass the buck, but when you have deep-seated body acceptance issues, looking at yourself in the mirror and repeating positive affirmations isn't quite going to cut it and – as I keep saying – Dr. NerdLove isn't actually a doctor.
The other thing I would say is that keep in mind: there are people who are attracted to just about every body type out there. Skeletally thin to morbidly obese, large breasts, small breasts, puffy nipples, inverted nipples, big noses, amputees… Rule 32 of the Internet is in full effect.
When there are entire communities out there devoted to dating people with handicaps or specific STDs, there're communities out there for just about every body fetish variation you can think of.
Good advice. I'm a bit disturbed that he dated someone he wasn't attracted to "physically or emotionally"…so basically he hated her guts? Why did he date her?? I'm hoping he meant he just liked her as a friend and had no romantic feelings for her, rather than flat out disliking her?
So if he wasn't attracted to her, then he hates her? You know, there is something between hate and love called neutral.
Hi, this is the original letter writer. I know that's an unverifiable claim, but even still it happens to be the case. First, I just wanted to say thank you to Doctor Nerdlove for answering my letter, especially in such a thoughtful fashion. It really made my day to see this!
Also, I wanted to clarify something that orangie brought up: my attraction (or lack thereof) to my girlfriend. When I reached my mid-twenties, I decided that I really wanted to experience what it was like to have a girlfriend. None of my previous attempts had come close to succeeding, so I decided to ask out someone who would probably not be considered attractive in the traditional sense. We enjoyed contact comfort, which was an enormous positive for me, but her body was simply nothing I could get excited about. And as time went on, it turned out that she and I had almost nothing in common. We couldn't even really talk about very much in a meaningful way, and so we never really formed any kind of deep connection. After a while she started complaining about our lack of sexuality, and so I felt compelled to go for it, in the name of preserving the only relationship I've ever had. But of course, that did not end well.
Hopefully my next relationship (if I have one) will be better. But thanks again for your response!
"(if I have one)…"
When. Not if. That attitude will sabotage you, trust me as someone who has dealt with social anxiety and self esteem issues his adult life. If you are a good man, you have a stable line of work, finding a good woman you find attractive is almost inevitable… as long as you are willing to put yourself out there to meet new people.
I've heard that if you stop beating off for a week, there's a 47% rise in testosterone in your body.
Porn is also a hard fantasy for a girl to live up to.
This is a great blogpost – my favorite so far.
Now I'd like to say one thing to those girls who might suffer from low self-esteem: If you've ever been with a guy who couldn't get it up, it does not mean that you're unattractive to him or that he's disgusted by you.
Dr. Nerdlove brings up a very good point, namely the popular myth that a normal guy will fuck anyone anytime anywhere. Male sexuality is far more complex than that. Although there are indeed certain guys out there who would fuck dirt in the middle of a tornado storm if they got horny enough, such individuals are in a minority, and they tend to find work in the most bizarre branches of the porn industry.
Most normal, healthy guys won't be able to get an erection if they're nervous or under stress, even when they're with a girl they're attracted to. Perfomance anxiety, NOT lack of attraction, is the main culprit when it comes to failure to get an erection.
Hey Doc, you should consider doing a podcast. I know it's a lot more work, but it would be cool
I just wanted to say, as someone who a few friends who get terrible performance anxiety, that this advice is really good. It's reassuring and correct (there's no shame in being a virgin, you should have a sexual relationship that is respectful and wanted, etc.), and I think this is one of the best responses I've ever read on the subject.
I'd like to add just one thing (mostly for the writer's sake): you can have a full and varied sex life without penile-vaginal intercourse. It's not the only form of sex out there, and it isn't any more "real" than any other form. I understand that there's a lot of pressure to perform in that way, and that it's something a lot of people do want. I just wanted to add my voice to the commenters who are saying that there are tons of other things you can do that are enjoyable, real, and valid forms of expressing your sexuality, and maybe by focusing on these for a while, you can work your way up to your goal, if that's what you want.
I agree that telling the lady, "today it's all about you," is a good way to take the pressure off of him, and of making her happy and comfortable with him, as well.
As for the "definition of sex," however, I agree with JDGadsden that it's case-specific. In this instance, the writer was asking for help with the specific act of male/female copulation, so that's how the advice was directed.
I'm much younger than 33 and still at an age where being a virgin is entirely acceptable. I don't have fears to the level of this guy. Still, this post resonated with me strongly. Faith in humanity +5.
Peace.
I dont agree with oral sex first
I dont think you have to do that at all