« Previous 1 2 View All Next »
Online dating can be a tricky beast. Now there’s no denying that when it comes to filling out an online dating profile, pictures are important. But is that all that counts? Is knowing whether or not to look at the camera or to make sure you’re using a DSLR rather than your iPhone going to make the difference between a date on Friday and staying home to catch up on Fringe?
Well, as it turns out: that all depends on who you’re looking for. Recent studies – involving tracking participant’s eye-movements as they read dating profiles from Match.com and eHarmony have shown that men focus most of their attention on the dating profile photos, rather than on the profile itself.
Women, on the other hand, spend far more time reading the actual profiles than looking at the pictures.
This isn’t terribly surprising; men tend to be visually oriented, while women tend to be intellectually and emotionally oriented in the mate-selection process. Now, this isn’t to say that how you look isn’t important… but you’d damn well better know how to impress her with your words if you’re hoping to make that OKCupid love connection.
Now, I’ve shared my thoughts about how a man looking for love online should best go about filling out his dating profile. But as with my previous article, sometimes those theories need to be put to the test. And how better to test them out than by once again abusing the trust with the gracious help of my readers. As with the last time, I put out the call over Twitter and the Dr. NerdLove Facebook page for some volunteers who would be willing to subject themselves to the criticism, advice, and judgement of several friends of mine.
So without further ado, let’s find out just what women think of your dating profile, shall we?
How It Works
This time, I’ve picked out two victims individuals whose profiles work well for my instructional purposes. All information provided to the judges was strictly anonymous; no personally identifying information, including names, usernames or photos had been included, nor have I provided any commentary or instructions. Both profiles use the OK Cupid profile format. All spelling errors and typos in the original profile are included without correction.
Today we feature the first of the two chosen profiles. Strap yourselves in, it’s gonna be a long one.
Meet Your Judges:
As before, I reached out to several women of my acquaintance in order to gain a spectrum of ages and occupations, as well as varying levels of experience with regards to online dating.
Gentlemen, I present to you, your judges.
Amanda - 24, Production Assistant
Jennifer – 32, Web Tech
Catherine – 35, Librarian
Trisha Lynn – 34, Administrative Assistant
Caroline – 31, Teacher
Kelly – 26, Massage Therapist
But enough from me. It’s time to hear from Bachelor #1 and our panel of judges. Ladies, take it away:
My Self Summary
I’m really not sure how to describe myself without either sounding cocky or sounding like I have low self-esteem. Well, I enjoy acting and writing (I think I’m a better actor than I am a writer). I’m a pretty big geek. I’ll talk your ear off when it comes to different geeky things that I obsess over or various TV shows that only lasted a single season. I friggin love ponycorns. I love to cuddle (but who doesn’t?). Ummmmmmmmmmm……. Oh, I’m a space ninja. That’s about all I can think of. Wanna know more? Feel free to ask.
I just have one more thing to say… Makka pakka.
Amanda: If you can’t describe yourself without sounding cocky or you have low self-esteem then you’re doing something wrong. Both of those are bad and unappealing. I’m okay with what you wrote down afterwords until you get to the more random stuff like space ninjas, ponycorn, makka pakka. I’m trying to get to know you and I keep thinking is “What?”
Kelly: You may think your first sentence shows that you are self aware or neither cocky or have low self esteem, but what it ends up doing is showing you’re unsure of yourself right off the bat.
Trisha Lynn: My first conversation with this dude would consist of me testing out his claims of knowing things about obscure shows and whether or not he knows his stuff.
Caroline: If you say you’re a writer, typos will be glaring– please don’t end sentences in prepositions. You don’t need to say you’re a geek, per se. Just say what you like more specifically, and people will be able to decide if they like your taste. There are definitely references I don’t understand but maybe that will help you find someone who knows your references and shows the same enthusiasm for that stuff.
Trisha Lynn: The ponycorns comment? Ehhh…. I certainly hope he’s not going by the first Urban Dictionary definition. Or if he is, he’d better be willing to receive, too.
What I’m Doing With My Life:
Right now, I’m working as a mutuel teller at Will Rogers Downs. I hope to one day become an actor and writer. Also looking into going back to school. I’d like to get a theater degree as well as a teaching degree. As an actor, my dream roles are that of Hamlet and/or a Power Ranger. I’ve also thought about looking into working as a mortician. Weird, I know.
And in my own little world, I’m a mildly successful airship captain who’s rather good with a sword and rather mediocre with a pistol.
Catherine: That was amusing. And honest. I know that you are gainfully employed, but working toward something that you want, and that makes you a viable candidate. Also, the particular interests you have are, well, interesting (to me, at least).
Jennifer: Having a job is good, as well as showing that he has plans for the future. And specifics! Specifics are good! By dropping the “Hamlet/Power Ranger” dichotomy, he’s left an opening for an interested party to ask if he likes other sorts of roles, or just ones that involve wearing tight pants.
Trisha Lynn: At first, I was going to take away points for misspelling “mutual teller.” Then, I actually Google-searched the phrase and found out that dude helps people place bets at a horse racing track! Now that makes him much more interesting, even though my gambling obsession is small-stakes no limit hold’em. That means we can talk about at least one more thing. He also gets points for wanting to go back to school, but loses points for wanting to be a Power Ranger (depending on how old he is).
I’m Really Good At:
As stated above, writing and acting. I feel those are the only true talents I have.
I also tend to become a scholar of anything I decide to obsess over. I wouldn’t say I have an encyclopedic knowledge of Doctor Who, Super Sentai, and Kamen Rider, but it’s pretty close.
I rather enjoy coming up with random characters/stories on the fly and going off the rails with said ideas. It’s best to just play along when this happens.
I tend to sing “Separate Ways” by Journey in a fairly overly-dramatic manner. People seem to be entertained by it.
Journey has been the downfall of many a karaoke night...
Jennifer: Clearly, he’s got more talents than just writing and acting if he can pull off an overly dramatic “Separate Ways” performance. No matter how Glee may make it seem, Journey isn’t easy to do well.
Caroline: I like how much personality comes out in what you have written, but be careful with the negative self-talk on your profile. I am sure you have more talents than writing and acting (Can you put on pants?) and it is exhausting in a relationship to have to continuously help a guy feel better about himself.
Amanda: You use the word “obsess” more than once in your profile. I’m a big Doctor Who fan, but when I hear someone is obsessed I tend to back away a little. I would never want you to deny what really interest you, but when you come off so strong about it all it invokes is the image of a steroetypical nerd at a Comic Book Convention.
Trisha Lynn: Writing may be one of his talents, but unfortunately, he’s not showcasing them very well…
The First Things People Usually Notice About Me:
My eyes, my smile (or rather, my smirk), my energy, my t-shirts, my collection, and my eccentric personality.
Kelly: What is this collection you speak of? Heads? My Little Ponies? Lunchboxes? Why would people notice that on you?
Catherine: I wouldn’t mention the collection, unless it’s something you carry on your person at all times. Or, unless the only place you meet people is in your house.
Amanda: No kidding. How is that the first thing people notice about you? Do you carry a collection with you wherever you go?
Jennifer: Ugh. I hate the word smirk. Mostly because it is usually preceded by “self satisfied” and that’s not an expression I particularly want to see on someone’s face.
Caroline: If people are noticing this many things about you at first, would there be much room for another personality in the relationship?
« Previous 1 2 View All Next »
Related posts:
I hate reading women’s profiles which start out “I’m not sure how to describe myself” or some variation of that. It’s cliche. As the ladies noted, it seeps out lack of confidence. Be a little proud of yourself… just a little.
Speaking for myself, my profile could use an autopsy. I’ve changed it numerous times, and I have always had a couple of ho-hum responses at best. I’m in the statistical category of receiving one message for every 50 sent….
Great piece! I think the advice from the panel was particularly helpful (and let’s face it, the guy in question seems nice, but needs some help in this area) without being mean. That’s always a good start.
I’ve only started reading your blog in the past month or so, but I really enjoy it. I missed the call for entries here, but I’d be really interested in getting some feedback on my own profile. Is there another way to get specific advice from the good doctor and/or his panel?
Before I married ( a nerd, no less), I spent a reasonable amount of time internet dating. This guy would have never made the cut. I’m sure he’s very nice but nothing about his profile communicates his emotional age or what he wants in a relationship. These things are best communicated in a “show” not a “tell” format. For instance, try not to say, “What I want out of a relationship is marriage.” Instead, two or three answers should include references to that motivation, like, “I’ve had a lot of really neat adventures with some really great friends and I would love to find someone who wants to spend a life having those kinds of adventures with me.”
The emotional age part is important because, seriously?, I dated a ton of nerds who didn’t necessarily live in their mom’s basement, but probably still should. I want to know that you’ve come far enough in life to feed yourself something other than frozen meals, live in something other than a shithole apartment and spend your time doing something other than just watching movies. If you can’t show me that, then I know that I will have to perform all of those tasks in our life together and I’m looking for a partner, not someone to look after. Like one of the judges said, I want to know a little bit about what kind of a person you are and how you’ll treat the waitress (a major indicator of date-worthiness).
Now, if this guy is 22 and looking for sexyfuntimes with an awkward girl whose into all the exact same movies he’s into, then it’s an appropriate profile.
My own pet peeve in online dating profiles is this: http://misterwoodles.tumblr.com/post/17559652771/since-its-cupid-day-i-thought-id-give-everyone
It was so annoying, I had to draw out this crudely designed chart.
I’d read through the profile and instantly click “next”. I know bachelor #1 is probably trying to go for quirky and spontaneous, but he comes off as immature and insecure to me, through that profile. His geeky interests aren’t framed in a way that don’t put him in a positive light. Practicing poses in front of the mirror, reading out loud and playing with action figures all could have been related back to the interest in acting he professed earlier. Instead, they fall flat. Also, am I the only one who finds the whole thing very scattered? It reads like it was written by someone who was very nervous and also hopped up on coffee.
The other ladies bring up an excellent point: specifics and closet references push people out. For example, I’m a steampunk but I hate goggles. Instead of thinking: Hey! Here’s a guy I could talk costumes or go to a ragtime revue with, it’s: … effing… effing… GOGGLES.
Also done right non sequitur humor is silly and endearing, however 9/10 it’s just confusing and annoying. (i.e. “What the heck that scratching sound in my closet is.” The moment I read that I thought: Um… uncomfortable. Does he have another girl locked up in his closet?)
You do seem like a nice fellow, though- and at least you’re trying! (I commend all nerd/geek fellows who at least put themselves out there on a dating website.)
Ending sentences with prepositions isn’t incorrect in English.
It is perfectly correct in English and was in rampant use, even in academic writings, until the 1600s, when a few prominent English-language scholars decided they preferred the Latin preposition structure.
However, there are certain styles of English that bar end a sentence in a preposition (which, to me, still makes little sense as the reasoning is confusion. However, very few fluent speakers are actually confused by prepositions at the end of a sentence) and if you are writing within those styles you should not end your sentences in prepositions. There are the four big styles (the ones you are most likely to encounter in formal writing): Chicago, MLA, APA and AP. As well, most publishing houses have their own in-house style (Tolkein had a hell of a fight with his editor over ‘elven’ versus ‘elfin’, for example). If the writing is informal then the grammatical requirements are much lower and include ending sentences in prepositions.
Of course, a dating profile is most certainly a step above casual conversation. As well as a step above a Facebook status, or even, in level of formality, a step above fictional writing (and also a few steps below). So, Caroline’s suggestion to not end sentences with prepositions is a good one. There are other reasons to follow this advice as well. Most sentences that have a preposition at the end are not in the active voice. Instead, those sentences are in the passive voice, which is exactly as bad as it sounds for a dating profile.
Active voice is the strong, confident voice, especially for describing yourself. In the active voice you do things. For example, “I won the game.” The passive voice is the wishy-washy, unsure voice. For example, “The game was won by me.”
So, while I will not agree that ending a sentence in a preposition is not allowed in the English language (in a general sense, not in a specific style or situation), I will agree that most of the time a writer should find a different sentence construction.
The Chicago Manual of Style unambiguously permits ending sentences in prepositions.
… actually, let me just quote from Chicago:
“The traditional caveat of yesteryear against ending sentences with prepositions is, for most writers, an unnecessary and pedantic restriction [...] A sentence that ends in a preposition may sound more natural than a sentence carefully constructed to avoid a final preposition.” (That’s section 5.169, in the 15th edition).
Beardy seems to be including Chicago as one of the formal styles that bans this construction, and that’s just not the case.
I bet this guy is really nice in real life, but he comes off as way too geeky/awkward in his profile – and I say this as a girl who generally really likes geeky/awkward guys. You need to show that there’s more to your personality than just a few quirky obsessions.
You really give no clue what it would be like to hang out with/date you, which is the main thing most girls would want to know.
Thanks for letting your profile be critiqued though – that’s brave! You do seem nice, so I’m sure a few edits are all your profile needs! Good luck!
I have a small child, so I get the ‘Makka Pakka’ reference … but I really wouldn’t lead with it. Liking a children’s TV show is fine in itself and In The Night Garden is charming – but it’s a show for toddlers, and almost anyone who gets the reference will get it because they associate it with a toddler in their life. Toddlers are cute but they’re not sexy. Making that big an issue of it makes you sound either like a stoner or a manchild, which is not the impression you want to give. If it’s important enough that you really want to mention it, you need to give a reason why you like it – you like the idyllic atmosphere, you think it’s funny, you love the idea of making Zen gardens out of rocks – rather than just saying it as if it explains itself.
As I don’t use Facebook or Twitter I was unaware of the opportunity to volunteer for this. But my OKCupid profile could use a review. I just can’t figure out how to link to it because whenever I look at it the URL doesn’t include my screen name. o.o
If you can find me, the screen name is Thortok2000.
“I hope to one day be as great a spouse as Rory Williams, but know that will never happen.”
That needs to be scratched. It makes it sound like he thinks he fails and being good in a relationship. (And for the record, Rory Williams isn’t THAT great of a husband. He lets his wife walk all over him a bit too much.)