How To Approach A Woman

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By the time this goes up, it will be the end of April and the start of May. Hooray, hooray, the first of May, outdoor fucking begins today.

With the warm spring sun slowly turning to summer (or not so slowly for those of us who live in the south – THANKS GLOBAL WARMING!), we’re entering prime time for going out and meeting new, sexy singles. Women are breaking out the sun-dresses that cling to every curve while men are breaking out their shorts and tighter tees. Sex is in the air and everybody is looking forward to hooking up.

So there is no better time for you to brush up your skills and get ready to meet the woman of your dreams.

We’ve talked about how to get comfortable talking to women. We’ve covered what to say. I’ve taught you how to beat your approach anxiety.  You know what to look for to see if she’s interested in you.

Now it’s time to quit talking and start walking. It’s time for you to actually get out there and start meeting those awesome women you’ve been thinking about for so long.

Yes, it can be profoundly intimidating. Coming up to a total stranger and trying to get her interested in exploring the possibilities of  a sexual or romantic relationship with you can be difficult and stressful. In a lot of ways you’re making yourself emotionally vulnerable and being rejected can sometimes feel like a rejection of everything about you.

But fortunately you don’t have to worry; I’m here to walk you through the steps, as well as the common pitfalls that you need to avoid.

Side note: While this article is written with a predominantly male audience in mind, this advice applies equally well to women who want to make the first move instead of waiting for guys to approach them.

Consider The Context

Social context is incredibly important when it comes to approaching women; different social context will directly affect how you should approach someone and how you will be received. A party or a bar with an active social scene is a completely different situation than, say, approaching a woman you don’t know at a bookstore during the day or out on the street at night. If you approach a woman late at night, in a situation where it’s not as socially expected – the parking lot of a bar, for example – you’re running a very high risk of coming across as a threat rather than someone cool that she should get to know.

“Hey, who do you think lies more, men or women?” “I HAVE A GUN!”

The social context will affect how you approach people and when. At a party, for example, you’re supposed to mingle and get to know people. It’s generally accepted that people will flow in and out of conversations or to come up and introduce themselves. Similarly, at a rowdy bar – one where the focus is on talking and having fun rather than sullenly nursing your beer –  or a club, it’s understood that you are there to meet strangers, flirt and have a good time. You can be much more touchy at a bar; it’s generally accepted that people will be slapping backs, touching shoulders or pulling people in for side-hugs.

At a bookstore, on the other hand, different rules apply. While you might be able to simply insert yourself into a conversation at a party without too much interference, interrupting a group of friends talking will be considered rude at best if you don’t have a socially relevant reason to intrude. You’re better off approaching someone who is by herself and striking up a conversation. Asking for an opinion about a book or making an observation about the books on the shelves – ever notice how much urban fantasy covers all seem to look exactly the same? – is a socially relevant and acceptable conversational opening for that context.

Pro-Tip: “Hey, you know there’re perfectly good chairs over there,” is NOT a good conversation starter.

Being situationally relevant is key here; if your actions are not relevant to the location and situation, you’re going to come across as odd or disconcerting.

Keep this concept in mind. It’s going to be incredibly important.

Follow The Three Second Rule

Part of the problem of being nerds and geeks is that we spend a lot of time lost in our own heads. As a rule, we have active imaginations and a tendency to try to game things out before we actually make a move. While this does have it’s uses, it’s also a huge handicap when it comes to dating. That tendency to want to plan for every possible eventuality ends up leaving us in a state of paralysis, too afraid or intimidated to try to talk to someone we like for fear of inevitable rejection.

Hence: the Three Second Rule.

We’ve talked about the Three Second Rule many times before, but it’s worth repeating here:  if you see someone you like, you have a count of three seconds before you must go up and introduce yourself. The Three Second Rule is there to keep your brain from going into vapor-lock; if you take longer than three seconds, you’ve given your brain all the time it needs to game out every single  reason why you shouldn’t approach and every way it could possibly go wrong. Before you know it, you’ve gone from being about to introducing yourself to someone cool to picturing a series of Rube Goldberg-esque social missteps that ends with you clawing at your newly maced eyes while cops slam you to the floor and haul you off to a jail cell with a burly outlaw biker who is gauging your value in cigarettes.

Is that likely to happen? No. But the whole process will drain away any motivation you had to go over and meet her and leave you feeling depressed and frustrated with yourself.

The first rule of meeting awesome women: you can’t get a date without actually making a move in the first place.

By forcing yourself to move as soon as you see someone you like, you’re changing your immediate reaction from freezing like a terrified bunny to forward momentum – and that momentum will help carry you along emotionally as well as physically.

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