Why Women Flake (And How To Stop It)

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How many times have you been doing well with a woman you’d just met only to have it fizzle out the next day with no warning? In the moment, everything was amazing; you were flirting back and forth, you got her number and the promise of getting together later. By all rights it should be all systems go for getting a date that weekend. Instead, it’s all last minute cancellations and radio silence. That first time you asked her out ended with “Sounds great, call me the day of, ok?”. The day of, it was “Oh I’m so sorry, but I’m actually busy today. Maybe next time?” Then… nothing. Your texts get one or two word answers. Your voice mails are never being returned. You’re shouting impotently into the void, hoping for an answer.

She flaked on you. Sucks, don’t it?

Unfortunately, flaking is a common occurrence when you’re dating, especially when you’re building your skills. It’s incredibly frustrating because it can feel as though it came out of nowhere – you were doing everything right and then suddenly you hit that wall of silence. So what can you do about it? Well, to start with, let’s examine why women flake… and then how we can prevent flakes from happening1 .

What Is Flaking, Anyway?

Sometimes it can help to define our terms in order to avoid confusion. There’s a difference between a flake out and, say, someone cutting of contact because he or she just plain doesn’t like you.

Sudden radio silence – watching a flirtation over OKCupid cut off without warning, or a string of unanswered calls or texts without even the promise of a date in the first place – are not flaking. These are signs that, for whatever reason, the person you were talking to just decided that they were no longer interested. Maybe you screwed up. Maybe they just weren’t feeling the chemistry. Maybe they have an irrational hatred of the way you use the oxford comma, who knows?

Flaking, on the other hand, is a last minute-cancellation of tentative plans; you’re all spruced up, so caught up with excitement for your date with that cute woman you met at the bar last Monday that you’ve shown up twenty minutes early. You’re half-caught up in imagining the sloppy make-outs that are in store for you later that night when you get the dreaded text: “Hey, turns out I can’t make it today. Maybe some other time.” Suddenly, you’re left all dressed up with nowhere to go, feeling your ego (and your half-chub) deflating like a leaky pool-toy. Any subsequent texts get non-commital answers and your voice mails aren’t being returned in the first place.


Why Women Flake

Flaking usually comes down to one of two issues. The first is very simple: she’s not that into you. She may have been having a good time with you in the moment – after all, everybody appreciates talking with someone who’s funny and interesting, especially if they’re good looking – but ultimately, she’s just not feeling that spark she needs that pushes her from “Well that was fun,” to “That was fun and I want to see this guy again!”. Other women will simply play along for a while… maybe out of boredom, maybe just because they’re going along to get along and just waiting for a socially acceptable excuse to send you packing. This, incidentally, is one of the reasons why women will just hand out their number so easily to people they don’t give a damn about; it presents a natural break in the interaction and most guys will take it and go away. In an age of omnipresent cellphones, caller ID and voice mail, giving out a phone number is low-risk, low-investment. A woman can tell at a glance that someone she doesn’t care about and let it go straight to voice mail – and then from there to the digital garbage bin.

“Look, I’m only putting up with you because I seem to have misplaced my pepper-spray.”

The best way to avoid this is, simply, be better at knowing how to build her interest in  you. One of the best ways is getting her to qualify herself to you; the more attraction you can build, the more likely she will be looking forward to actually meeting up with you instead of giving you the 21st century brush-off.

The other cause is the loss of what’s called “emotional momentum”.

The excitement and rush of a positive in-person interaction is heady, but it can wear off quickly if you don’t do anything to maintain it. Like a car running out of gas, you go from speeding along to sputtering to a halt. Leaving with vague promises to “hang out later” or to “talk sometime” won’t help maintain the excitement or emotional connection that you just spent the last X number of minutes/hours building.  Wishy-washy texts and voice mails cause her excitement to fade even faster. Similarly, going for long periods of time without contact will cause the momentum to diminish. The more the momentum fades, she stops picturing you as the awesome guy she was really interested in and become just another guy she vaguely remembers giving her number to.

Keeping The Momentum Going Through Proper Use of The Phone

If you want to prevent flakes from happening, you have to keep the ball rolling, and the best way to do this is to know how to use texts and phone calls to your advantage. This means that as a general rule, you want to start the contact as soon as possible after getting her number.

A lot of guys will balk at this stage; they don’t want to appear “too eager” or worry about creeping her out. Instead, they wait for some random interval of days (the “three days” rule, for example) in an effort to appear more confident or aloof – when in reality, they’re just trying to muster up the courage.

It this sounds like you, think about it this way: if you met someone cool and had an amazing conversation with them, wouldn’t you want to keep in contact so you could keep things going?

Rather than calling right away, I advocate a quick text “ping” – a short, cute message that helps establishes contact and gauges how interested she is in talking to you  – within 24 hours of getting her number. In fact, depending on the context of how we met and for how long, I recommend pinging even sooner; if you met in, say, a club or a bar, she will likely have given her number out several times and the sooner you can establish contact with her the less likely you will melt into the blur of every guy she met that night.

After a successful ping, you should start a text conversation – one that leads towards setting up a call. It can be as simple as ending a conversation with “Hey, I’ve gotta do stuff, but I want to keep talking to you. I’ll call you a little bit later, ok?”

Naturally, you want to make sure you actually follow up with that phone call that day. Long periods without contact will kill that momentum, leaving you with another dead number.

Once you make the call, you should ask her out on a definitive date. No “we should hang out some time” or “hey, if you’re interested, maybe we could get a drink later…”. No putting the onus on her to set up the date for you; this not only betrays a lack of confidence, but it leaves things vague and unclear. You want to be specific: “Hey, I’m going to see this art show on Friday at 8, you should totally come with me. I think you’d love it.”

Having a firm time and day makes it more concrete, which in turn makes her much less likely to flake out.

  1. Let’s get the Head and Shoulders jokes out of the way now, shall we? []

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  1. Squirrel says:

    I know that you touched on this and that pretty much the whole rest of the website is "How to figure out when you've fucked up," but I feel like this article needs a little more emphasis on "What did I do to contribute to a potential flake situation?" Most of the guys I "flaked" on could have used a little frank self-analysis before trying to salvage any future relationship. One dude in particular ignored all signals I sent that I wasn't connecting with him. We had long lulls in conversation, he spent half the conversation telling me I was pretty and the other half talking about his research, and he regularly disregarded my requests that he not IM me during certain times of the day. Eventually, I just started ignoring him because I couldn't find any way to make him understand that I simply wasn't interested. EVEN TO THIS DAY (many years and a happy marriage later) still sends me the occasional IM asking if I want to do coffee.

    • +1

      I'm also pretty dubious about referring to it as a flake out especially in reference to women, because there's still a prevailing idea that women are just overly ~*~emotional, flighty, and unstable~*~ that using a word with links to that idea is just… not helpful.

      • Yeah, I suppose "she flaked on me" is kinder to the male ego than "she stood me up." But the latter has more power for the woman, which is why it has probably changed in the male vernacular.

        • It's just not an honest way to deal with another human being. It makes the field of dating a chaotic minefield for some of us. It's a significant reason why nerd guys can't see it when a girl is genuinely interested in them.

          People (after all, guys do this too) need to admit that this is a form of bait and switch, where you get the other parties hopes up just to let them down. I've had a few women now who have approached me, who I wasn't interested in. I have honestly told women they are not my type, or if I am feeling like a pussy that day I'll be like "sorry, i just met someone else." In either case, I am not creating a false sense of hope.

          • I agree with you, no matter what you call it, it's a crappy thing to do, but I was just curious how the language has changed.

    • PizzaSHARK! says:

      Um. Did you ever just consider telling him you weren't interested and to stop contacting you?

      • Squirrel says:

        Um, did you ever consider that when I said "I couldn’t find any way to make him understand that I simply wasn’t interested" that it included saying "Hey, sorry, but I'm just not interested in you, please stop IMing me"? The guy IMed me *regularly* during the hours that I asked him not to, would get upset if I didn't respond right away, and asked me out on coffee dates *even knowing I'm married*. It was either block him, or verbally nuke him THEN block him.

        • Paul Rivers says:

          Squirrel, if that's what happened then what you're describing is *not* what the majority of guys are complaining about when it comes to "flaking".

          Flaking is when she (or he) makes plans with you, seems interested and excited, then cancels through no fault of your own. Normally it's a negative term, suggested that either they didn't have a good reason to cancel, or that the reason they gave you was a polite excuse, or even a social "white lie" so they don't look bad.

          It has *nothing* to do with a situation where you tell someone to stop contacting you and they keep doing it.

          Seriously…absolutely nothing. Actually, I'm not sure why you would conclude that they mean the same thing, those 2 situations are very differnent.

          • Squirrel says:

            My comment was written before (and eventually led to) the good Doc editing the article to include a better definition of flaking. There was a middle part to the interaction with this guy that happened between our first date and the final nuclear decision which I probably could have articulated that better. But frankly there's no point at this stage of the conversation. I felt that something was missing from the article, tried to comment on it (badly, it seems), and it led to an edit which sufficiently clarified the definition. Problem solved.

          • Paul Rivers says:

            Fair enough…I probably read it after the changes.

            I would just say that as a guy, if you've actually factually told him you don't want to talk to him any more (or you don't want him texting you at certain hours and he keeps doing it), telling him off and blocking him completely is both appropriate, and never "flaking".

    • have you ever tried, you know, telling him you're not interested?

    • Dr. NerdLove says:

      I wouldn't call that flaking on someone, especially within context of the article; that's just cutting off communication 'cuz the guy's a moron. Flaking entails the last minute canceling of an at least tentative date with minimal explanation and no real attempt at rescheduling… assuming that they don't just stand you up.

      I may have needed to make that clearer. Huzzah for the power of edit functions!

    • Hey dumbass.

      here's an idea…. Instead of giving "hints" how bout you be a fucking adult and tell him flatly your not interested?

      • Hey a-hole, instead of blurting out derogatory mean stuff, maybe you should read all the comments thoroughly before you insult sb(and show that your reading skills are poor or you searched for a reason to insult?
        Dunno but the thing you said was totes not necessary- ‘doc love’ edited the text bc the discussion (which btw ended well almost 4 months BEFORE you insulted)with squrrel showed the murky(eh? schwammige) first definition of ‘flaking’ wasnt clear enuff.

      • IglooIguana says:

        exactly what I was thinking!! He "ignored" all "signals" that you weren't interested. What exactly were these "signals". Maybe you were just "thinking" it, and expected him to read your mind? LMFAO

  2. I like the article and think it has some good advice. I feel like it is leaving out the root cause of the problem. It would seem honest, direct communication would solve these problems quicker. "I am not feeling the connection", "I don't have romantic interest in you", something like that would cut down the games of who is ignoring who perhaps. Also, at what point to you stop playing the dating game and start the honest relationship development through communication? Just some thoughts. Thanks for sharing!

  3. I'd like to add that if someone if honest and just says that they don't want to date you, you don't get to whine, complain or claim that s/he owes you either. Especially not on Facebook where everyone and their mother can see it.

  4. Aurelia Verity says:

    Also, I feel I should mention this:

    Sometimes, even if everything is going well, girl seems interested, conversation is flowing, date is planned or is in planning, etc., something really does come up that puts dating out of her head.

    For some reason guys refuse to believe this, they assume she’s making it up, brushing them off, that she’s dangled them on a string or whatever, but here the thing: I know in the media all girls seem to talk about is dating, but in real life your personal relationship status is only one of the great many things you have to juggle. There’s work, school, family, friends, pets and so many other things that can crap out on you at any moment.

    Her asshole boss can give her a massive project, her grandmother may have suddenly died, her roommate might be in hysterics over a break-up throwing up raspberry vodka in the bathroom, her pet terrier might have eaten some Christmas chocolate and needs to be rushed to the vet. Yesterday everything was flirty fun, today everything is in the toiler and it’s up to her to fish it out. Surely you’ve had moments like that, why can’t she? And here’s the thing, she doesn’t know you that well yet, so in the grand scheme of things you’re sacrificeable, she had not yet had the time to become emotionally attached to you.

    I once had a thing with this guy some two or three years back. Things were going ok, we were at a point of establishing a date. Then, just like that, a course I was taking started handing me my ass. It was a course vital my degree and to me continuing my program, suddenly I did not have time for dating. I, explained, put the date off for a while and when we finally met up it was not the same. In the end, nothing came out of it. It wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t mine, just sometimes things don’t work out.

    You can’t always get what you want.

    • Paul Rivers says:

      "For some reason guys refuse to believe this, they assume she’s making it up, brushing them off, that she’s dangled them on a string or whatever"

      That's because it's more often than not the case.

      Look, as a guy, I don't *really* understand how many guys out there are willing to lie, cheat, and tell you whatever you want to hear to have sex with you then drop you like a rock. I mean I can logically think about it, but since I'm not that kind of guy and my friends mostly aren't those kind of guys either, I'm never part of that process.

      And as a girl, you don't *really* understand how many girls are out there looking for nothing but validation attention that they don't want to lead anywhere. Some of them actually intellectually realize it, others do not but do it anyways (suddenly after making plans her since of excitement dies off and she doesn't know why! – without any further interaction from you that would have caused it). For every guy that checks you out in an innapropriate way, there's at least one girl who will happily flirt with you (as a guy), exchange numbers, make plans – and then "mysteriously" have to cancel in a slowly downhill series of "oh gee, I'm not sure if I can do it…oh gosh, something came up…".

      I once dated a girl who told me that she was at the park with a friend of hers, and a guy came up to talk to them. He was paying more attention to her friend (who was single) and she didn't like not being the one getting attention, so she started talking to him more engaging him more, etc – taking all the attention away from her friend. She got his number…while she was dating me, and let me put it this way – if he had been any real threat to me dating her, she either would not have told me, or she wouldn't have done it in the first place (I cannot honestly say 100% which it would be). The reason she felt comfortable telling me – was because he wasn't really any sort of romantic or physical prospect for her – but even so, she wanted the attention.

      My point is that you're right, that sometimes – a girl flakes out for real reasons. I once had a girl flake out on a trip to meet me across the country (she lived in another state) saying she suddenly had to much work to do. I did part of what was suggested above and just let it go (even though I was pretty pissed).

      Later, she went out of her way (without me asking anything about it) to travel across the state to a different dance exchange I went to and specifically told me she came down because I was attending, so it wasn't really that she changed her mind about being interested in hanging out with me. However, things didn't really go anywhere with me and her, partially because of one of those "we just didn't connect" kind of things, but also because I was more guarded against getting emotionally involved in being enthusiastic towards someone who had flaked on me before…

      Anyways, I'm rambling. I'm just saying that yes, it *can* happen, but women vastly underestimate how the incredible number of times that flaking really does mean "I just doesn't attention, now that I got it I'm trying to get out of actually following through in a way that makes me feel the least bad about it".

      • ‘Anyways, I’m rambling. I’m just saying that yes, it *can* happen, but women vastly underestimate how the incredible number of times that flaking really does mean “I just doesn’t attention, now that I got it I’m trying to get out of actually following through in a way that makes me feel the least bad about it”.’

        And you know this because you’re…. a mind reader?

        • Paul Rivers says:

          How many times does a girl have to go through a routine where she meets a guy, he says he has strong feelings for her, she sleeps with him, he says he’ll call, and he never calls before it becomes apparent that *some* guys who say they want a relationship and that they’ll call don’t really mean it – they’re just interested in getting laid?

          At what point do you realize that the 8th girl who suddenly felt comfortable flirting with you hardcore – but only after she got a boyfriend – is in it for the attention? (Especially when she’s suddenly completely uninterested in flirting after they break up).

          And I’ve had close female friends, as well as girlfriends. A girlfriend told me about a time when she was out with a friend and this guy came over and started talking to them. He was paying more attention to her friend (who was single) than her, and she didn’t like that, so she started flirting with him because she didn’t like how her friend was getting all the attention…despite the fact that she dating me and she had no serious interest in the guy (I say this because I knew her, and if she had had any serious interest she most likely wouldn’t have done it, or she wouldn’t have told me about it).

          If you don’t believe that *some* girls are just in it for the attention, then you’ve never spent much time hanging around girls (just like *some* guys will say practically anything to get laid).

        • MMAALPHA MALE says:

          Because women effing do it. Genius.

      • Aurelia Verity says:

        “And as a girl, you don’t *really* understand how many girls are out there looking for nothing but validation attention that they don’t want to lead anywhere.”

        You know, I can understand the argument that as a white, middle class, Kinsey 0, woman I will never fully understand the plight of minorities, or homosexuals or even ever fully relate to a swift kick in the balls, but as a woman I reserve the right to say that I know everything about my own sex.

        I am a woman, I’ve been brought up largely by women, I’ve been in contact with women of all ages, cultures and upbringings since the cradle; and I don’t appreciate being told that I can’t “*really* understand“ female behavior, while a special snowflake such as yourself apparently knows all about them from several, admittedly bad, interactions.

        I assure you, most women know the worst of their gender, and they catch on much, much earlier than men do. That was NOT the point of my post. In the great flirting game there are women who flake on men for a variety of reasons and to prevent this you do what the good doctor ordered, MY point was not to dismiss a flake immediately as insincere (as I, personally, have seen happen) but to give her the benefit of the doubt, since sometimes unforeseen circumstances really work against you. Not to take it a flake personally or assume she was just toying with you but just move on and maybe try again later.

        Women cannot be easily divided into “Nice girls” and “Attention seeking skanks”. In a bar with 10 flirting women, each one may have a multitude of reasons (sometimes very complex) as why she’s there, why she’s flirting and why she may flake. Not all, not even half of these reasons will be for attention seeking reasons you so wish to claim women have. To quote Huey from “The Boondocks": “ All women are not hos! We're talkin' 20… 25 per cent tops”.

        Do women string men along and drop them for selfish reasons? Absolutely that happens; I’ve seen it happen, though only a handful of times. A simple flake, such as a drop in conversation, a date discussed but never firmly established can happen for any reason and you do yourself no favors if you assume the flaky girl is a heartless succubus getting off on the attention.

        Just like your own attitude about yourself can hinder you when you are dating, your attitude towards women can hinder you as well. If you view dating as trying to find one genuine pure heart in a sea of bitchez then you are going to have some trouble. Very few women enjoy hearing how terrible their gender is, how poorly they understand their own motivations and actions and how women have been nothing but awful to you in the past. It makes you sound bitter, jaded and suspicious, which does not promise a good evening.

        • Paul Rivers says:

          It's interesting, if your post wasn't in response to my post, I would unreservedly agree with like 90% of it. I wasn't saying some of the things you mentioned (I didn't say anything about "attention seeking skanks", or any of that stuff), but if someone had been saying those things by themselves I would agree with the other stuff you wrote..

          You wrote:

          "For some reason guys refuse to believe this, they assume she’s making it up, brushing them off, that she’s dangled them on a string or whatever, but here the thing: I know in the media all girls seem to talk about is dating, but in real life your personal relationship status is only one of the great many things you have to juggle. There’s work, school, family, friends, pets and so many other things that can crap out on you at any moment."

          The point of my post was to say "Yes, you're right, those things do happen, but also – the reason why guys are suspicious when a girl cancels is because of this kind of stuff happens to us all the time".

          "Do women string men along and drop them for selfish reasons? Absolutely that happens; I’ve seen it happen, though only a handful of times."

          This is what I mean about perspective – it depends on what you mean by "string men along". Doing it deliberately, conciously, and manipulatively for more than a day – I agree with you, it happens, but it's fairly rare.

          A girl stringing you along, acting like she's really interested in you so you'll buy her drinks when she already knows there's no possible way she would ever date you? That's not a rarity, it's practically a staple of the bar scene. A girl flirting with you hardcore while she has a long term boyfriend? This happens constantly (and with girls who are actually never, ever going to cheat on their boyfriend or break up with him to go out with you). Whether that's "stringing you along" depends mainly on whether she mentions the boyfriend or "conveniently doesn't mention it" the entire time. The club scene is practically the definition of this kind of stuff – many girls go out with the almost deliberate goal of getting flirted with by guys, dancing sexy, giving out their number – and then never, ever talking or seeing any of those guys again, because "that would be sketchy to date any guy I met in a club".

          Do these only represent 20-25% of the girls out there? I…don't know. I do not have the perspective to say, but as a guy that's the first thing I think of when a girl who I was just having fun with suddenly cancels. That, or after a couple of the "I'm cancelling with some innocent sounding excuse because really I'm mad at you and you have to figure it out". And then some girls are just plain flaky, regardless of the cause.

          I'm sorry, but if you believe that guys have this happen very, very occassionally, then…yes, I don't think you really understand the guy perspective on this topic. Is it a crappy system where any hint that you need to change plans and the guy automatically jumps to conclusions? Yes. But it's not for some made up reason – there is a strong real world correlation between a girl who flirst with you, makes plans, then cancels them always coming down to things never going anywhere with her. A really, really, really strong one. Like 98% of the time. And after a while you realize girls rarely tell you negative things directly (from a girls perspective it's called "polite" or "not hurting someone's feelings"), it's with good cause that you pretty much start to see most "oh, something came up and I can't do it" comments as meaning something else.

          Reading your posts here, I really do think you bring an accurate perspective of how girls see things. As well as other good points – in person I sure as heck don't talk about this stuff on a date. If you do, you're practically creating the situation you're complaining about. I really agree with most of the rest of what you're saying.

          I just disagree that there's not usually good reason to think someone who's flaking out on plans without making specific followup plans isn't really essentially saying "I'm not that interested in hanging out with you". Is it kind of crappy that that's the case? Yes. I agree.

        • MmaAlphaMale says:

          LOL. I could care less if you could appreciate being told ANYTHING about women. I've slept with over 400 smoking hot women, and I wouldn't have been able to if I didn't know exactly how women think, and that guy was TOTALLY RIGHT.

  5. Wow your timing with this one couldn't have been more opportune- because last friday I got "flaked" by this girl I met – We talked about meeting up, but an hour before see sends me a text saying she is "really tired, maybe another time"… I was sure that was it, but I still texted back "No prob. Talk to you tommorow" just to play the game.

    The next day I called her and she promtly picked up the phone and we set a date for the evening. Arriving at the dating site, I waited 30 minutes (and now realizing I was going through a "Shrodinger’s date" kind of feeling) and then called her – she said she had "land owner" issues and was on her way… I thought to myself fine, but 30 minutes is the max I was willing to wait!

    Luckly, she arrives after 25 minutes and suprisingly I think it turned out to be a great date in the end! We talked, laughed quite a bit and even danced a little and all in all I think it was good – didn't feel any bad vibes between us nor any signs of bordom or anything like that from her.

    Calling her today – she once again answered almost immediately, athough she did seem a little aloof in her voice. We set another date for this thursday evening so hopefully she won't flake on me again.

    This is so confusing… but I simply march forward and hope for the best, because I like her! :-)

    • Dr. NerdLove says:

      OK, let's break this down for a second: she breaks the first date which is unfortunate, but does happen. She answers the phone immediately the next day, agrees to another date, shows up for it, even if she's a late (also: "land owner issues"? That's a new one on me – either as a euphemism or a real thing), takes your call another time and agrees to another date.

      This does sounds like what we in the dating advice business call "a good thing". If you're down to trying to guess the tone of her voice – "a little aloof" is pretty goddamn vague – you're seriously over-thinking it.

  6. Great article, Doc. I've been doing online dating almost exclusively for the last month (OKCupid), and while I've had almost no instances of flakes on the first date, I've had several cases where the first or even second date seemed to go well, but a few days later the woman disappeared. I realize this is a different situation, but it seems related, given that I'm sure it could relate to my not maintaining their interest, or perhaps similar to the phone number situation you describe at the beginning, she later decides she wasn't as interested as when I had her attention in person. I can often tell when it's likely to happen after the fact, but do you have any advice on preventing it from happening in the first place – other than the simple fact that sometimes these things just happen?

  7. Hey Doc, just a technical request… the little pop-up you have on the right of the screen with all the Twitter & Facebook add-ons is covering up some of the text in your articles for me when I read them (I use low screen resolution). Is it possible to add some sort of "X" button to that thing so I can minimize/close it when I'm reading an article?

    • Yes, I'd like to see that bastard moved. I am one of those guys, who has 20 or so windows open so I never have my browser maximized.

      Maybe put it at the top/bottom, or scrolling to the left side? A lot of open space over there.

      • I third this. I read the blog from my ipad and that popup is huge, for the size of my screen and covers part of the text.

  8. James (Thortok2000) says:

    You skip past the 'wall of silence' and other things that "aren't flaking" because the article is on flaking.

    I get that if you message someone on a personal's site and never get a response, or if you chat for a little bit and then no response, a wall of silence is an 'acceptable' response. But when I get wall of silence I tend to think it's one of three things: 1) I did something wrong, 2) She's just not interested, or 3) I did something wrong. So it's hard to know whether to file the experience under "no big deal" or "I need to fix something." And if I need to fix something, then what do I need to fix? Wall of silence doesn't give much specific feedback.

    Over and over I'll start a conversation with someone, maybe they even message me first, and I don't know if it's my bad conversation skills or social skills or what, but the 'apparent interest level' fades away pretty quickly sometimes. Often I'll judge chances at a friendship or relationship based on 'am I still talking to this person after a week?'

    So I envy the people that are getting at least as far as the flake stage. I get a few dates a year, but getting a second date is the hurdle I haven't gotten past in a long time. And most people I meet don't even make it to the first date stage. =/

    • Christian T. says:

      Yeah its been happening recently to me way too much. I had one girl say "I'm not flaking on you" to stop talking to me. If I weren't so lucky at cards…

  9. Get out of my head Randall! Err, stop reading my heart Dr Nerdlove!

    I kind of had a flake last night. I asked a girl out on Monday (and got a yes), but last night she said that because of finals/end of semester stuff/the fact that we're only going to be around for another few weeks she didn't want to start dating. It really sucked, but I took the advice you've been giving and was very polite about it and made sure I didn't come across as upset. Sucks that we won't get a chance at trying a relationship, but sometimes life turns out like that.

    On the bright side, I handled meeting, flirting, asking her out, and the rejection much better than I used to (and much faster) thanks to your articles, so I can still look back and be happy at my improvements (and know that I'll be ready for the next woman, because I've learned that there will be).

  10. Thanks Doc. I had someone flake on my yesterday. After reading this, I see that I handled the situation pretty good. Great tips on avoiding further flakes.

  11. The entire premise of this article only proves that women who flake on men without being direct and open about their intentions have brain disorders.

    Whatever happened to being a fucking adult and either going through with what would be a natrual progression of giving someone your numberjust flatly saying your not interested.

    As opposed to

    Giving hints and suggestive terms a man has to decipher that your not interested thereby wasting our time in the first place.

    We've got better things to do than get our hopes up on your little mind games.

  12. What a good stuff.

    I have a date with her last Friday, She text late in the night to tell me, She was so sorry and want to cancel the date. She promised to call back to explain but still haven't.

    any advice?

  13. If you're just honest with a man saying "Sorry but I don't feel that we click." or "I'm sorry but you're just not my type." Guys want direct no bullshit answers. Men have created this world, fought wars, and dealt with harsher things. I'm pretty sure we can handle a girl being straight up with us. You're not hurting our feelings by being direct, that's small shit. Any guy that tells you the opposite needs to man up. I personally respect a female for having the maturity and respect to tell me that she isn't' interested. ' I get the ones who like to inflate their egos, and not respond. So I'll tell these type of females that I'm going to call, and I don't call if she's flaked out on me. I move on to the next woman.

  14. Oh yeah I meant to mention, that if something does come up in life and its not a good time for you, just be honest and say so. Guys understand that things happen. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Then you will see the logic of things. If someone does get upset because life is throwing too much at and you don't have time for dating, who cares?

  15. fresno_dude says:

    All of the comments here have value based on my experience however I have some to add that were not addressed based on the following facts. I met a smoking hot woman whom I pursued. And she responded very positively. However it was awkward since it was mostly by e-mail and some texts. Our one and only phone call ended after only about 10 minutes bc of an excuse she made up and I could tell spiritually she had less of a good impression of me. In fact she insisted she would get back to me. Instead of calling me back she e-mailed me. and she then e-mailed me two more times asking about some details for our plans that were for Saturday or Sunday, not the very nite. She then flaked on meeting me at our professional event. She did not bother to tell me she decided to arrive way after it ended. She knew we had plans for sushi and drinks afterward. She then had the nerve to text me the next day "I need a pick me up"? I responded: "Excuse me?" She responded:" I have a hangover. what happened to sushi". I responded: "I waited for you and when you did not show then I made other plans. I was disappointed." her response was "well, why didn't you call? i came in at 10:30PM (thats like 8.5 hours later than we planned to be there btw) and went out with my friends figuring you made other plans. " I asked her how was her nite. she responded: "Not much into the 20 something black brothers scene." whoa! is what i thought to text that in our profession. anyway, i responded "well maybe tonite you will have better luck. lots to do here. gotta run :)" i even saw her later and ignored her and she just stared at me. She then followed me to lunch two days later at the conference and sat very close to me and my friend." I ignored her. And you know what? Still no apology. nothing. so thats another kind of flake. i admit there are justifications for flaking but she could have just called or emailed to cancel and it would have made all future contact much less awkward. for now, she and I will feel very awkward at social/professional events where we are attending. sad thing is she was the one initiating and perpetuating flirting with me and adding all sorts of social activities to our plans that gave me the red flags of an LA-type wanna be who builds up expectations with unwarranted enthusiasm only to dash one's hopes. so based on experience and growing up in LA, i was prepared bud sadly not surprised. and gentlemen and ladies, she is a 32 years old woman whom i was clear with i just wanted to be friends with. Finally, we had met in person with a spark to be sure between us (it was not in my head) that we nurtured for 3 weeks between e-mail and texts and for some reason she only wanted one phone conversation. Disappointing with a 32 year old professional.

  16. why dont people just not care and do it by ear. the no big deal thing will work, dude in your mind the girl should be lucky you asked her out. Your cool, funny, decent looking, she is missing out, ha not you.

  17. Ross Jeffries says:

    Guys, stop blaming yourselves and overanalyzing everything. Girls flake for two main reasons: they are cowardly (no really, it's true) and they are playing the numbers game. It's all a numbers game. Don't obsess over that "one girl"…no matter how awesome you think she is, she's really not all that…you're just horny or projecting perfection on her. Girls are moody…unless she flat out tells me to stop contacting her…I'll just keep "pinging" her with short messages whenever I feel like it (if I think she's worth it). If it's been a while since she's communicated, I already know she's only good for a roll in the hay. You'd be surprised how many girls who be open for a fling when they are horny, bored, frustrated at their ex, or in between "relationships." Tag that booty, then never contact her again.

  18. When a guy likes a girl he's into getting to know her, taking her out, experiencing and bonding emotionally and eventually sex. When a guy likes a girl and she starts flaking, a whole lot of respect goes out the window, it's just all about the sex now.

  19. The article is pretty spot on. The one thing I disagree with is his advice on how to prevent a flake by flaking on her first thus making her chase you.

    This advice ignores the number one reason why women flake and that is because they are not interested in you and were too cowardly or immature to tell you upfront.

    The whole making her chase you thing is wrong because shes flaking so that she doesn't have to go out with you. It doesn't matter if she flakes or you do because at the end of the day, it will relieve her of the artificial obligation of going out with you.

  20. I don't agree with playing mind games or telling lies to trick a girl into being interested. If she flakes, it's because she's a flake who isn't interested. So why would you want her? When you meet the right one, it shouldn't be that hard.

    • I agree with you. I wonder who gave you a thumbs down. I am a woman and I disagree with this article. Both genders like to play mind games for whatever psychological reasons. And yes, some people don't play games, they are just too cowardly to just say "no, they've changed their mind," so they let the radio silence do the talking. That doesn't mean the rest of us have to stoop to their level and play manipulative games to win a date. Whatever time you're spending on the person who isn't interested in you, is time you could be putting towards meeting someone new.

  21. When a guy prefers a lady he's into getting to know her, getting her out, suffering from and connection psychologically and gradually sex. When a guy prefers a lady and she begins cracking, a whole lot of regard goes out the screen, it's just all about the sex now.

  22. Now It All Makes Sense, She's A Flake :)

  23. Sometimes it's really hard to tell if a girl is flaking or not. I don't get it, It's like one minute she wants to go out with me and the next minute she's practically telling me to get lost, for example i'll explain what has recently been happening to me that put me in this situation.

    It was my birthday, went to my first class and the professor had us work in groups for in class writing, I turn to this cute girl who I asked to be my partner and she recognized me, turns out we were flirting pretty hard when I was at work and she was a customer and we shared a laugh about the coincidence of ending up in the same class. I got her number on that same day after walking her to her next class and my friends running in to me on campus wishing me a happy birthday leading to her giving me a hug wishing me a good birthday.

    With everything going so perfectly on the first day I told myself that nothing could go wrong and that I wasn't in any rush to text to her seeing how much she seemed to like me. It's been about 2 weeks now and we have gone out one time when we skipped a class to sit on a bench and talk for a while then leave campus to go grab a bite to eat. We've been having a nice time seeing each other ever since, and today I asked her out to see a movie for this weekend in person and she seemed delighted to go at first, I walked her to her class and told her I would text her later and she responded with a "sure, text me later today" So as soon as I text her she doesn't know who it is because like I said I told myself there was no rush in texting her right away and eventually forgot to do so in the process of seeing her frequently. She still responds happily and "I ask if she's free Saturday night" with the certainty of getting a "yes" given that she told me she wanted to see a movie this weekend after I asked her in person, then BAM, I get hit with "actually Saturday I don't think I am :/" How do I deal with it? At first I stopped and got extremely confused thinking about it for a good 30 minutes wondering about every possibility whether be it I messed up along the lines of getting to know her these past couple of weeks or if she truly is busy Saturday night. It was even more confusing because she would tell me that I was handsome, hug me, play with her hair while I would say the most useless shit in a conversation, showing all signs of interest etc… So I just decided to ignore the text and not really respond to it. Making a big deal out of it and over thinking will just make it harder for me to not give a shit lol

  24. The so called "techniques" of standing someone up or just straight up lying to someone is creepy and manipulative. Most of your articles are good but this is very icky and entitled. Ironic that you claim to work under a feminist framework and then encourage men to use weird tactics to manipulate a woman into going on a date with them.


  1. […] example: guys often write to me asking how to keep a girl from flaking on them. While you can prevent a flake-out, it’s both rare and difficult; no matter what social […]

  2. […] via Why Women Flake And How To Stop It | Paging Dr. NerdLove. […]

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    Why Women Flake (And How To Stop It)