Hey Doctor NerdLove, I have an issue that I can’t seem to figure out on my own, can you help me?
Let me start off by saying that your blog has helped me tremendously, and as a result I now have a beautiful, smart, geeky, and honest girlfriend. But is is possible to be too honest? She’s currently doing some moving around the country, seeing family, trying to find a good art college to attend. We’re trying the long distance thing, which I’ve done before, unsuccessfully but I’m trying to learn from my mistakes, and she’s worth sticking around for. I’ve spent a lot of time being introspective and listening to this blog and other podcasts on having healthy romantic and sexual relationships. I’ve tossed around the idea of having sex with other people, her as well, and have come to the conclusion that as long as I remain the romantic relationship, is safe, and she’s honest with me, then she can have sex with other people and I won’t get but hurt. At least I thought that was the case.
As it turns out, there’s an old flame who she’s now living close to. She’s explained to me that she can’t ever have a romantic relationship with him again because, well he’s an asshole and not good boyfriend material, but apparently the sex they used to have was other-worldly. I give her props for being honest and telling me this before hand, because now she’s asking me for a pass to be fuck buddies with this guy. I told her to give me a few days to think it over.
I’m trying not to let my ego cloud my thoughts with jealousy of this supposed sexual master, or to worry that she’s not being honest when she says it wont turn into anything romantic. Something is still bothering me about this, and I’m not quite sure which is the best course of action. Should I give her a pass, should I not? It seems like she’s doing all the right things by letting me know, but why do I still feel squicked about this? Is it right to think that this may be a threat to my relationship, and what would be the best way to handle it?
Stressed By The Ex
Ok, first let’s address the obvious: open relationships can be tough under the best of circumstances. When they’re long-distance as well… well, now you’re playing on hardcore mode, to be perfectly honest. It’s one thing when you or your partner is given the permission to slip the leash while travelling or to have outside partners while you’re in the same city.
When you’re living hundreds or thousands of miles apart, with no firm indication of when the two of you are going to be back in proximity again, it’s going to be tougher by orders of magnitude.
Y’see, part of what makes non-monogamous or monogamish relationships work is the primacy of the core relationship – maintaining that bond of love and emotional intimacy even when one or both of you are seeking sexual intimacy elsewhere. Maintaining that bond while in a long-distance relationship is tough under the best of circumstances. Trying to maintain it and courting other people… well, thats going to put both of you in a tough spot.
It gets even more complicated when an ex is involved. Now I’m all in favor of remaining on good terms with your exes (presuming that you’ve honestly gotten over them) and an ex can make one of the best guest stars for threesomes. However, returning to an ex for (supposedly) no-strings-attached sex while your significant other lives across the country is another issue entirely.
Even if she’s correct and there is just no romantic attraction any more (on her side, at least) the fact that he’s there and you’re not makes it extra complicated. It’s almost like having two boyfriends for the price of one – one to provide emotional intimacy and the other to provide the amazing sexing she craves. Personally, I’d say exercise your veto power on this one; it’d be one thing if you were there or he wasn’t the OMG mind-blowing orgasms ex. But he is, you aren’t and if you’re being perfectly honest with yourself, you know damn good and well that jealousy is going to be rearing it’s ugly head on you pretty soon. The last thing you need is to be spending nights trying to get her on the phone and imaging that the reason why she’s not picking up is because she’s too busy with Studly Good-Night.
And now for the hard part:
I hate to say this, Stressed, but the odds are pretty good that she’s already banging him and what she’s really asking for is retroactive permission. I’ll freely cop to being overly suspicious and cynical but her explaining that no, he can’t be a threat to the relationship sounds a lot like her trying to justify the fact that she’s already done the deed and now wants you to absolve her of her guilt.
Hey, maybe I’m wrong and she really is being upfront and honest about it. I hope she is. You just may want to prepare yourself for the news that this is fait acompli.
Veto the dude. She can find other guys who don’t represent the past creeping into your present.
Good luck.
Augh, this was like reading into my past. I was in a very suspiciously similar situation about 5 years ago. There were no exes involved, but there was retroactive permission asking(right before my birthday no less!). This did not go over well.
Also, if her ex is an asshole, there are a ton of reasons to not let him get involved in the relationship. Assholes aren’t likely to respect the primacy of your relationship, for one thing. In an LDR open relationship, it is *especially* important that any third partners respect the primary partners.
Wow long distance AND an open relationship…..
If you can do it and you REALLLY are okay with it…kudos to you.
I personally would have had an issue with the “other-worldly” sex reason for sleeping with someone else. But I am a ferociously jealous woman. But, come on, sex is sex and anyone can be taught to be your version of “other-worldly” if you are willing to listen. It just seems like a passive way to give you the boot.
a. your “girlfriend” is an idiot. sleeping with a guy who treated her shitty? oh yeah this is going to end well.
b. get the fuck out while you can. This is going to end badly. I don’t care what people say open relationships do not work and it’s all bullshit. You say she’s so worth sticking around for and yet you want to sleep with other people too because you can’t handle the long distance? yeah ok. You must REALLY care. Both of you.
I seriously will never understand the mindset of open relationships. Maybe I’m just old fashioned and believe sex is only for someone you care about. People say they care about that person but want to have sex with other people too. Thats so selfish in my honest to god opinion and it makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t think it’s cheating but I still find it disgustingly selfish. Is it really that hard not to have sex these days? jesus christ. You’re not going to die if you don’t. (and in before someone brings up reproduction. yeah. as if you all plan on having kids.)
at this point you two are just fuck buddies instead of a couple. You both are not in the best positions for a relationship. You say you learned from your mistakes from your past long distance but I really don’t think it’s for you reading this letter.
move on.
HOLY SHIT!
GUYS!
PEOPLE ARE COMPLICATED!
http://xkcd.com/592/
hey baby I love you too
Actually, the are the exact opposite of fuck buddies.
While I don’t agree with Nikki’s reasoning, I do think it might be a good idea to take a break, depending on how long term this long distance thing is going to be. If she isn’t coming back for many months or longer, I think it’d be best for both of you to not consider yourselves to be in a relationship. Still be close friends and talk often, and leave the option of getting back together open for when she returns. But the long distance thing is really, really hard.
There is nothing wrong with ending the relationship for now. I know that you think she’s worth waiting for, but you’re going to be jealous if she’s sleeping with other guys, if only because of the fact that you can’t right now. So, remove yourself from that jealousy, and try and have some fun yourself. If both of you are very serious about getting back together, I wouldn’t talk about sleeping with other people with each other if you do take a break. That has a pretty good chance at causing some not so nice feelings when you do get back together.
To sum it up: take a break from each other, but still talk as often as you want. You can both go have some fun while you are waiting for her to get back. Maybe you can go learn some tricks that can make the next time she has sex with you even more mind-blowing than this asshole ex.
LDR’s are ridiculously hard and to make it an open relationship on top of it? Dude, you are going to end up so hurt. I agree with Anthony, let her go for now but keep in touch. If you really are meant to be, then you will find each other again. But don’t play the fool in the meantime with the hopes of keeping her around.
And BTW, as much as I don’t care for the way Nikki expressed herself, sex for women is rarely just casual sex, especially sex with an ex. (Not saying it can’t be, it’s just harder and less common) I would bet money on her re-developing feelings for the guy, especially with you so far away.
And I really hate to say it, but if she is traveling the country looking for schools and not looking near you and you aren’t planning on going to her in the NEAR future, then I would bet a lot of money that this relationship is already over, the bomb just hasn’t gone off yet.
I’m sorry dude, but a lot of pain is probably coming your way…
Having done a 3-year long distance relationship before (my only long-term relationship so far) I can honestly say I never want to do a long distance again, except only for very much short term periods.
Opening a relationship is a landmine as well. And with a previous ex, who is both a jerk and good in bed?
Everything about this spells recipe for disaster.
Listen, in the Doc’s article on polygamy and how it works, you do get that veto power. Use it. You’re uncomfortable, so veto. That’s what it’s there for.
The moment you start going “well she’s doing everything right, am I really being fair about using my veto” is when resentment and guilt starts coming into play. You feel guilty for not being ‘open’ enough and ‘trusting’ enough and then you give her permission to do things that hurt you and then you get upset that she did those things and hurt you even though you gave her permission and it’s just this whole big mess of negativity.
Some data you haven’t mentioned is how short term the long distance is going to be, and how likely you are to have sexual partners yourself. After all, you say it is with the help of the Doc’s advice that you landed this girl: what’s your honest likelihood of having other women to have sex with? That’s one more thing to add to the jealousy table: If she’s getting more (and better!) than you’re getting, I know if I was in that relationship I’d feel like some kind of patsy or cuckold.
Even in poly relationships a ‘no exes’ rule is very common. Especially if she doesn’t even like the guy but just wants him for sex… I don’t know about everyone else, but I generally don’t like to have sex with people I don’t like. It sounds pretty disrespectful to the guy, too, even if he is a jerk.
It sounds like she gets it all and the only price is honesty. “You mean all I have to do is be honest? Okay!” And at long distance, close to a previous ex, and even says that he’s great at sex. “I was honest, that means I get to, right?” It doesn’t sound like she’s considering your feelings all that much.
Another point of data is if ‘seeing other people’ while long distance was your idea or hers. You write as if it was your idea, but aren’t very clear… If it was her idea, that’s another sign that this isn’t all that great of a situation to be in.
If I were you, I would seriously think twice about combining long distance with open relationship. If you have to ask yourself “should I veto this guy just because it makes me uncomfortable” you’re already not really stable enough for an open relationship. You should be able to veto it without hesitation or guilt, and she should be able to respect that veto without hesitation or bickering. If you can’t manage that, you shouldn’t be open, in the first place.
Just my two cents. =/
I just want to affirm you in your right to say “Hey, this doesn’t feel right to me.” This doesn’t sound like a trust issue or a jealousy issue. This sounds like a boundaries issue.
Every relationship is defined by boundaries. You owe it to your girlfriend to let her know where your boundaries are, or else you’ll get mad at her for violating yours, and she’ll get mad at you for judging her for breaking a boundary she didn’t even know you had. Defining boundaries isn’t a one time thing either. As you build a relationship, you continually bump up against new circumstances that have to be negotiated with love and trust and honesty on both sides.
Sometimes we agree to things which in theory sound fine, but hit you much differently then you expected when they actually get played out. As long as you don’t blame her for taking you at your word, it is okay to say, “I know I initially said this, but my feelings have changed and now I feel this.” And then listen to her and see where it goes from there.
That is an excellent summary of why my relationships with humans fail.
So one thing I could never quite grasp is why someone would want to have sex with a person they can’t stand.
Can someone here please enlighten me?
How otherworldly does sex have to be to have it with someone you can’t smell?
because they’re stupid.
I don’t understand how it’s so hard not to have sex in general it’s not as if you don’t have sex right this second you’re gonna die or some bullshit… hello, mastrubation? Shit, if you can’t handle not getting your rocks off because your significant other is long distance then whats the point of the relationship? the logic of it all fails me completely.
Does it really hurt you, though? I wonder why you have such intensity about an issue that need not ever affect you. If a guy suggested this to you, you can just say no.
And I don’t think it’s just about ‘getting your rocks off.’ The intimacy and emotional aftereffects of sex are pretty potent, and if it’s with someone you genuinely care about (I would say, not an asshole ex), then it can be a good thing. Love isn’t binary – you don’t love only one person, and then don’t love other people. You can love people in varying amounts.
That’s a general you – you, Nikki, don’t want to or can’t do that. And it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It seems like you attack this open relationship stuff like you are defending yourself from a personal attack, and it’s just not the case. No one is here saying people need to try open relationships, or people that don’t want them are bad.
except, ‘open’ relationships are still regarded negatively because the general populous CAN’T do it – if your significant other said ,’hey, baby I’m going to fuck this other guy mmkay?’ you would (hopefully) have a problem with it. ‘open’ relationships just seem like an excuse to have your cake and eat it too; not dealing with the hard part of a relationship of creating trust and fidelity and more of an excuse to treat your life (and sex life) like a carnival ride. there are reasons why open relationships don’t work and Nikki is defending one very legimate stand point. I’m with her.
ugh thank you. I’m gonna go ahead and be a complete ass when I say:
to the people who asked before if I think I’m better than them because I think the mindset of open relationships are a total crock: yeah I am. Cause I don’t betray my significant other in such a gross way and try to cover that shit up with excuses. Either don’t have a relationship, or grow the fuck up. I don’t care if it’s an agreement either. Thats not exactly showing you care about someone. It just means you’re too immature to handle the hard part of the relationship. Good luck to all of you who have the mindset that open relationships are ok..thats all I have to say.
I still want someone to answer the question of why it hurts you. Why is it your job to stop other people from making (what you deem to be) mistakes? Nikki has defended her point from an almost complete morality standpoint. That’s not defending a point, that’s ignoring everyone else and saying I’m the best.
Sure, most of the general population can’t do it. Does that make it wrong? Should we ostracize those who are different? I’m just completely taken aback by the thought that, “Ya, this seems like it doesn’t work. In fact, no, I don’t think it can work, but other people are doing it! Hey! That’s not good! They can’t do what I say is wrong!”
If a girlfriend said to me that she wanted to fuck other dudes after our monogamy was established, yes, I would have lots and lots of questions and probably not be okay with it. But if it was established as an open relationship from the beginning, it might work. I don’t necessarily disagree with either of you, and if I do end up finding someone that I want to spend a very long time with, I doubt that I’d want that to be an open relationship. But who the fuck am I to tell other people to not try it? Who the fuck am I to tell other people how to live their PERSONAL lives? That’s the main difference between something like this and something like racism, which non-racists agree is morally wrong. An open relationship gives the people involved the ability to choose how their lives play out, and it doesn’t hurt people outside of the relationship. Something like racism is far more damaging because it hurts people before they have a chance to defend themselves. A racist employer not hiring a qualified person of color is incredibly terrible.
I’m not bringing up racism because I think you’re suggesting that they are the same. I’m bringing it up because there are times when morality is what you base your defense upon. But it’s when you can back that morality up with reasons why it’s harmful. You can’t make blanket statements about open relationships because you simply don’t understand them. Not that there is anything wrong with you, but how can you judge something you can empathize with? Not to mention that there are people who make open relationships work. One last time, in the effort to hopefully get it answered, I really, really want to know why open relationships hurt other people, and why they deserve hatred being thrust upon them. If you want to warn people, and warn people strongly, that open relationships are difficult to make work, that’s fine. But to denounce them, saying that they want to “have (their) cake and eat it too” and that they will be “judged and its [sic] going to be negative” or insinuating that their relationship is a sham (which Nikki has done), then you’re just judging someone (and deeming them amoral), not trying to help them.
“And I don’t think it’s just about ‘getting your rocks off.’ The intimacy and emotional aftereffects of sex are pretty potent, and if it’s with someone you genuinely care about ”
I stopped reading right there. seriously, I’m laughing pretty hard.
shit if you’re going to go against me at least be consistent
I have been so fucking civil with you over the course of these discussions, I’m fucking done with it. I apologize that some asshole fucking broke your heart and cheated on you. I’m gonna assume that’s why you hate open relationships. You say you read up until that point, but you somehow ignored my question or didn’t care to answer it. Instead, you felt the need to laugh at me. I’m glad I’ve amused you.
You know what’s fucking funny? I don’t think I’d ever want to be in an open relationship. I might be willing to try it, but I don’t think it’d work for me. So I’m not even defending myself here, I’m just telling you to STOP BEING SO GOD DAMN NARROW MINDED. Hey, guess what, we don’t live in the United States of Nikki’s Morality. And the planet we live on sure as shit isn’t Nikki’s World. That big yellow thing in the sky? Last time I checked, it wasn’t called Nikki’s Sun. Grow the fuck up and leave other people alone. I highly, highly doubt you will care about anything that I’ve said, but it feels good for me to lash out at you.
Why does other people having open relationships hurt you so badly that you must insult and attack them (and openly admit you think you’re better than them) for their decision to do so?
Why is it so important that you go around telling everyone else that they’re wrong in such a hateful and aggressive manner?
Guess what, there are plenty of people out there with open relationships and they are happy and their partners are happy and it works for them. You, me, and tons of other people probably can’t have (and/or don’t want) a working open relationship, but does that equate to nobody should be allowed to try it? It’s a non sequitur.
I agree in this case open relationship + long distance + all the other stuff = really bad situation, but I can say that without any of that aggression, profanity, and just overall hatefulness and bitterness that you demonstrate.
Look up the song ‘Mean’ by Tayler Swift. It’s written about people who exemplify attitudes like yours. Maybe, just maybe, something about that song will communicate itself to you.
TL:DR – You can disagree without being so mean</em about it. Why you gotta be so mean?
lol at code fail. Wish there was a preview or edit functionality here. =/
Two things:
Stressed — Kudos for attempting graduate-level relationship manuevers! I had a long-distance open relationship myself once with no set end date and it lasted for 3 years. My own personal advice would be to end the relationship and move on, not because of the open nature (that made my own LDR easier, actually) but because of the lack of a set point at which you two will be back in geographic proximity to each other. You can only Skype so much. But! if you do stick it out, you’ll learn a lot about how to communicate in a long-distance relationship, which is actually a pretty transferable skill.
And I want a make a plea for civility in the comments. I’m kind of a lurker, but I’ve read all the previous columns and their comments, and it seems in the more recent entries, there’s either “You want to do X? Only a$$holes do X. You must be a horrible person (and also an a$$hole)” or “People feel X about Y? That makes no sense to me and thus is completely impossible and anyone who say anything to the contrary is lying or stupid.” [Please note, there are also lots of really lovely comments that come from a true willingness to learn, and this isn't them.] I’m not sure why discussing what people like or are looking for in relationships cause such polarizing feelings sometimes, but it makes me think of an analogy:
I really, really hate Red Velvet cake. Hate. If I want to eat nasty red Play-Doh, then that’s what I’d eat, not dense, fake-colored. oily cake with bad icing with the density of wall plaster. And I really don’t understand why other people would eat it either. But, if that’s what a person wants to eat, I’m not going to think that they’re a bad person just because they like something that I, frankly, do not understand, and that if they eat it they’ll come to a bad end. If a friend came to me and asked if I had a recipe to make Red Velvet cake, I wouldn’t say “Only bad people like Red Velvet cake. So you must be an bad person.” I’d politely hand over a cookbook so that even though they decided to make such a hideous dessert, at least it will be a good, safe recipe. (I may also subtly point out that there’s a fabulous recipe for lemon meringue pie on page 238.) And if we somehow ended up in a discussion about Red Velvet cake, I might note that it’s not to my taste, but if they want to discuss it, have at it.
Anyway, my point is, some people like things that we don’t and in many areas of life, desserts especially, that’s perfectly fine and we’re all civil about it. Maybe we can get back to doing that about relationships? I miss the non-self-righteous comment sections. (Still love the articles, though. Thanks Dr. Nerdlove!)
that’s kind of sweet you want civility on an internet forum but have you visited the internet recently?? and attempting ‘graduate-level’ relationship maneuvers?? like screwing around with multiple people is some high-class, super suave move in the adult world? where I come from it looks a lot like self-destructive behavior hence the reason why if you went somewhere public and screamed I’m sleeping with five people AT THE SAME TIME you’re going to get judged and its going to be negative not sassy and modern.
I’m going to assume the good Doctor keeps posting these ridiculous topics just so we blog monkeys duke it out with one another and up the ratings. I’m bordering on dropping this blog as its becoming problematic and attracts trolls who apparently get to vomit hateful shit and prance away with no moderation. e.g. the ‘On Labeling Men Creepy’ fiasco. *coughANCOMcough*
I bet if the topic was about abortion the “lets respect each others opinions cumbya” shit would be alot different in tone.
Not for me, I respect others’ opinions as long as they aren’t reporting them as fact. I respect your opinion, what I don’t respect is your anger, I also don’t respect your lack of respect for others. If you disagreed with me in reproductive health matters, I’d be like, “Okay… it happens” but if you had the same attitude with that as you do with relationships, then I might have a problem with you.
I think you could use some friends that are genuinely poly. I thought the same way (though not as angrily) about it before I made some friends that happened to be in poly and open relationships, and their relationships are beautiful, there is so much love in them. It’s still not something that works for me, but that’s okay, it doesn’t have to.
Yeah these comment sections really need more moderation. Some of the misogyny turning up around here lately has been really disheartening.
While I’m not a fan of attacking people because they have different views on sex than I do, some of the guys commenting here need to understand that many nerdy women are feminists. We’re pretty good at sniffing out coded nerdy guy misogyny, and we’re not really big on just smiling nicely and letting it slide like society dictates we’re supposed to.
You know, my dad told me once when I was a kid, “Any jackass can kick down a barn. It takes a craftsman to actually build one.” I could just drop this blog because the tolls are becoming problematic, but hey, I though I’d give doing a positive thing a whirl.
And I just to be clear — long distance relationships with no end dates are what I consider “graduate-level.” Open relationships are a different thing. Do you consider the be-all end-all of a relationship to be sex, and not respect, shared interests, common values, mutual respect, experiences, knowledge, respect, common goals, or making each other laugh? If both parties agree, and respect the rules, I really don’t think there’s a problem with the set-up. And if the rules allow for five-person orgies, as you suggested, I think that really becomes more of a public health issue at that point.
I have had to say this before, and I will say this one more time and ONCE ONLY: This has degenerated into people yelling at each other for no good reason. If EVERYBODY doesn’t take a very deep breath, get some zen and calm the fuck down I will be wielding the ban hammer with GREAT ABANDON AND FURIOUS ANGER.
Nikki: We get it. You’re angry and have a specific view of sexual morality. Find a less antagonistic way of making your points. Doctor’s orders.
Anthony: I appreciate that you’ve got my back, but seriously, it’s comments on a semi-obscure relationship blog. You can skim over Nikki’s posts pretty damn easily.
mmarple: Trust me, if all I wanted were hits, there’d be a LOT more articles about male privilege and a lot less about moving in together or improving one’s fashion sense. Getting linked on a Gawker blog does more for my hit count than people arguing about the morality of open relationships.
And at the risk of sounding like “the lurkers support me in email” : you don’t see the shit that I *don’t* let through moderation.
MrsOctopus: All i can say is, if the day comes when red velvet cake is a sin, then I choose the Mark Twain option: “Well all right! I’ll GO to hell!”
This has nothing to do with anything other than I *really* like red velvet cake.
Damn it, now I really want red velvet cake.
I will be skimming over them from now on, but I got myself wrapped into discussions with her, and just needed to let the frustration go. I would not be upset if you deleted the comment, because I don’t actually care if anyone reads it. I should have just written it in word and deleted, but I suppose I am hoping for the incredibly small chance that something I said on the internet changes someone’s mind.
My apologies.
I’m sorry, I didn’t see this before making my comment a couple minutes ago.
Now I want red velvet cake too. =(
Once again Doc says what I was trying to say, only he says it way better.
Just a reminder: the official Dr. NerdLove policy is that the solution to speech you disagree with (whether me or somebody in the comments section) is *more speech*. I work hard to keep the trolls out but still maintain an atmosphere of open discussion, especially when the topics are potentially controversial.
That being said, when things descend into pointless bickering, then Mjolnir comes out and I start TO BAN SOME FOOLS. So keep that mind: patient I may be. The Buddha I ain’t.
Well…that was thoroughly entertaining. It was like watching a reality show and I sure am a sucker for those things.
Yeah, jealousy sucks. I’m going to shamelessly rip off of Captain Awkward and The Pervocracy here by reiterating the best point made all night.
USE YOUR WORDS.
Open relationships? Been there, done that. In my experience it’s kind of like tossing 3 chemicals in a pot at random. Sometimes shit explodes, sometimes it doesnt. It’s kinda like adding just 2 chemicals and WAY MORE COMPLICATED. It can work amazingly, or it can fall apart spectacularly. However, because there’s less of an established script for FWB/open relationships a lot of the times the players are forced to negotiate properly. They use wonderful and amazing logic that just looks so shiny and new sitting there in its never-before-used wrapping paper. And then emotions arrive on the scene and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. Doesn’t matter how shiny the logic was, because in this rock-paper-scissors game emotion beats logic every time. You can have the perfect logical plan based on twu wuv and honesty, but then there’s jealousy.
Here’s the thing about emotion. Logic bends to fit around it. Feel an emotion long enough, and all of a sudden you’re *rationalizing* it. Your logic has twisted around it in such a weird way that although you’re backing your jealousy with logic you’re pretending as if it’s the other way around. You’re jealous and suspicious, but pretending that everything is fine when really it’s not because LOGIC IS ALWAYS FINE. Her spidey senses pick up your paranoia and all of a sudden she wants to spend less time with you because you’re weirdly intense even though you SAY you’re fine. This makes you more jealous. This drives her away more. In the end, one of you slips up. 9 times out of 10 it’s her, because you’ve started WAITING for her to mess up, because then it will justify everything you’ve been telling yourself since this debacle started. She’s the cheating whore and you come out smelling like roses, vindicated at last because finally she has been punished for making you feel illogically. You tell yourself you were SO accommodating, and if only she’d been HONEST with you, etc etc. Don’t let it get to that point. USE YOUR WORDS.
Tell her you thought you’d be okay with it but you’re really not. Tell her you know you agreed about this earlier but you feel jealous even though you rationally know there’s no reason to. She might be upset. You are, after all, unfairly changing the rules. Acknowledge that she is correct, but you dont have to logic your emotions, they just happened. Remind her that both of your ultimate goals is to keep your relationship alive. Your jealousy is illogical, yes, but something you need to overcome *together*. Relationships aren’t about excluding your partner from your emotions, and there’s no reason they should be now. As long as you are both working to make your relationship stronger you should be fine. Everything else is just fluff on the side.
Thank you. This is the best open-relationships comment I’ve ever read on this site. You managed to put exactly how I feel about open relationships into words.
You're welcome!