Doctor,
I’m a virgin girl. I’m in a relationship with a boy I love very much and feel ready to take the next step and he is a virgin too. I browse a lot of stuff online (female oriented blogs mind you) and there was a topic of not having sex until marriage. Comments said that they wouldn’t ever marry someone if the sex was “bad” and that no sex until marriage was a bad idea because of this (but it’s not really applying to me). This scares me so, so much. I’m in love with this boy that I am with and DO NOT want to leave him. We just mesh so well together and he is everything I ever wanted in someone. The fact we are both virgins however really scares me now. We are compatible with our likes and stuff but since we are virgins..I can assume the sex won’t be mind blowing at first. Is “bad sex” really the death sentence for a relationship or am I overreacting? Is there more to it that I don’t know about?
-scaredandconfused
This is actually a fairly common concern – and not just among women. In fact, this has come up a few times in the comments for Monday’s article. A lot of people are worried that being “bad at sex” due to inexperience (or worse, being a virgin) will keep them from ever having a successful relationship… or from trying to initiate a relationship at all.
The problem is that you seem to be conflating sexual compatibility – what most people mean when they talk about whether the sex is “bad” or “good” – for sexual experience. And there’s a rather decided difference between the two.
Sex is a critical part of a romantic relationship. Sexual compatibility is one of the key components of keeping two people together; it’s the fear of being seen as “shallow” or “selfish” that frequently keeps two people together when the sex just isn’t working, whether it’s incompatible sexual needs, mismatched libidos or just plain old fashioned unrealistic expectations - and there doesn’t seem to be any way to fix things, including strategic non-monogamy.
Now to be fair: part of good sex is a matter of skill and practice. However, this doesn’t mean that a virgin is inherently a bad lover or is doomed to bad sex until he or she gets X number of years/partners/experience points under her belt. Nobody is born as a masterful lover, no matter what they may tell you. Everybody starts from the same place – an absolute beginner – and moves on from there. It’s after that point that we all start to diverge.
Some people get an earlier start than others; they may hit puberty early on, they may discover masturbation at a younger age and get more familiar with how to make themselves feel good, they have their first sexual experience (which includes more than just genital-to-genital contact, thank you very much) with a partner before their peers do. Some people are just more relaxed with their bodies and their sexuality thanks to their upbringing and peer group. Some people come to sex at a later age or take longer to get comfortable with themselves. Others may not discover their sexual identity until much later in life.
All any of this means is that some people have a head start of sorts. Having sex or sexual experience earlier isn’t inherently good – in fact, the less mature (and there’s a decided difference between age and maturity) the people are, the less likely they are to grasp the full implications and responsibilities that come with sex. Coming to your sexual life later isn’t inherently bad either; being a virgin or having little experience sexually isn’t shameful nor is it a sign that there’s something wrong with you.
Sex is more than just “insert tab a into slot b, repeat as needed.” It’s also more than “I need to know X, Y and Z in order to make my lover feel good/orgasm/want to keep having sex with me.” It’s about being aware of your body, being comfortable with it and being familiar with what turns you on and what gets you off. After all, if you don’t know what you want or need, you won’t be able to ask for it.
Yes, I said “ask for it”. Good sex is also about communication. Having good sex – especially when you’re having sex for the first time you have with someone new – means being able to communicate clearly and guide him or her towards what you enjoy and how you enjoy it. Sometimes you’ll both luck into the right combo… but more often than not, you’re going to have to work together to establish the rhythm and flow. If he’s using his tongue but flicking about your clitoris like a lizard isn’t doing the trick, you want to be able to tell him what you need him to do instead. Similarly, if you’re going down on him or her but they need more friction, more suction, more toungue, less teeth, something, they need to be able to tell you as well. Don’t be afraid to (gently) let your partner know what you want them to do differently, and be sure to let him or her know (enthusiastically) what they’re doing right. The better you are able to communicate, the more you’ll both enjoy the experience.
Now, the fact that the two of you are virgins doesn’t mean that the sex is going to be bad. It will be a little awkward, maybe a little weird and uncomfortable, even possibly a bit silly… but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be wonderful either. You haven’t had actual penis-in-vagina action yet, but you don’t say what you have had… whether the two of you have gone down on each other, engaged in some mutual masturbation, tit-fucking, anal play, what-have-you. If you haven’t progressed past making out and some hands-over-the-junk action, I would recommend that you take penetrative sex off the table for a while. Take some time – and by time I mean months - and get used to each other’s bodies. Learn the contours, learn the various tastes and textures and smells; sometimes they can be disconcerting and the last thing either of you wants is to interrupt the moment with a “woah, what is that” face because you encountered something you’re not familiar with. Get used to being naked together, rolling around together and getting off together before you dive straight into penetration. The more familiar and comfortable you are with each other, the better off you will be when you finally do move to the big moment. It won’t be some big mystery full of anxiety and tension; it’ll be the next, natural step in your relationship with your boyfriend.
As a bonus question I know you are neither female nor a doctor but my doctor could not do the finger test because it hurt me so bad. This scares me too that it’ll just cause more trouble sexually…
This actually required some Googling on my part because… well… the phrase “finger test” is somewhat archaic in these parts. In fact, it depends on whether we’re talking about part of a standard pelvic exam by a gynecologist or a check of one’s virginity.
(For the record, the “finger test” for virginity – that is, checking for proof of virginity by examining the presence of the hymen or vaginal laxity- and other virginity tests are actually considered violations of human rights and dignity by Amnesty International.)
So assuming that we’re talking about your standard gynecological exam: well, there could be a number of reasons for this. You may have been incredibly nervous and tense during the exam – rather understandable. You may have a narrow vaginal canal or less laxity in the vaginal muscles than average. You may have physical trauma from an accident. If this was a one-time issue and you’ve been able to insert, say, a tampon (or your fingers or a sex toy) without issue, then it could just be the stress of the moment. If this is a regular issue, then it’s decidedly something to talk to your doctor about – and Dr. NerdLove is emphatically not a real doctor.
But before you start hitting up Doctor Google instead, I’d focus on what your doc said at the time. If she wasn’t concerned about it, then I wouldn’t be concerned either if I were you. I’m willing to bet money that it comes down to: you’re a virgin and exams just aren’t fun under the best of circumstances.
Penetration for the first time can be somewhat uncomfortable; after all, you’re having an unfamiliar object inserted into an area where you haven’t had one before. It’s going to be an odd sensation. If you still have your hymen, it might even be a little painful at first. It’s easy to minimize your discomfort; you want plenty of lubrication (specifically a water-based lubricant like KY or Astroglide, not petroleum jelly, saliva, butter, baby-oil or any other improvised lube… these will damage the condom – you are using condoms – and can cause irritation) and to take things very slowly and gently.
Good luck.
i can tell you doc's advice is the BEST one you could hear. it worked for me and my boyfriend. as long as you love, care about and trust each other, even if physically it won't be comfortable due to pain, mentally it'll still be a wonderful experience you both will share. as i've read it somewhere lately, saying "losing virginity" isn't a proper description, as you're not losing anything, you're gaining experience. good luck
Dear scaredandconfused,
You don't say how old you are but you sound very young. My suggestion is to wait…but wait with intent. By that I mean, start talking with your boyfriend about sex. What having sex means to you and what it means to him. You need to be on the same page about this. The Doctor is right, clear communication prior to being naked with each other is so important. I suggest talking it out using a "Yes, No, Maybe" list. So discuss certain actions and tell each other "Yes" "No" or "Maybe". Then abide by those boundaries. I will tell you if you or your boyfriend does not respect and stick to your/his boundaries, then you or he is not ready for the emotional side of sex. Talk alot over weeks or months. Especially when you are in love, then your first time can be very special to you.
Research birth control (YES YOU MUST BE ON BIRTH CONTROL BEFORE YOU START HAVING SEX!!!! CONDOMS ARE NOT ENOUGH) I'm sorry but condoms break all the time, especially if you are not experienced with them and you can protect yourself best by being on the pill, patch, Depo, etc. Though you should use condoms too. Nothing wrong with using 2 forms of birth control and the pill won't protect against STDs. (Yes, condoms are a must for him. Don't take no for an answer with him or any other guy) Taking care of your body is your FIRST priority.
As far as the "finger test" goes, it sounds to me like you still have your hymen intact. I had the same issue where, when I was a virgin but starting to explore, I could not stand a guy fingering me because it hurt so badly. I also couldn't use tampons. Once I started having penetrative sex and my hymen was broken, a lot of that pain went away, though lubrication is always always always key! I will say this just to warn you, so that your expectations for your first time are not sky high. If you have that strong/sensitive of an intact hymen/vagina, your first time is going to hurt. Alot. And you are gonna bleed. It's ok though, once the initial breakage of the hymen is over, with lubrication, the sex can be very enjoyable, but that first penetration is going to be painful. All I can honestly say is grit your teeth on that one. You also will want to make sure your boyfriend warms up your vagina with plenty of lube and foreplay before entering you or it will be uncomfortable. He should also start out really slow with his thrusting so that your body can adjust.
But mostly, make sure your first time is something YOU want to do, not something you want to do FOR your boyfriend, no matter how wonderful he is. For women, emotions and sexual intimacy can be so closely tied together that if you go forward into sex before you are ready, you can have some serious emotional pain/regret later.
So be smart about the whole thing, get educated on safe sex, and talk it all out with your boyfriend well ahead of time. And take some IBprofen before your first time, it'll ease the pain.
I will tell you that taking ownership and control of your very first penetrative sexual experience will make it so that you are more confident with any future sexual experiences and set you up to be a good communicative lover in the future.
Good luck!
I absolutely agree with what was just said. I wanted to add a few things.
Birth control is essential. Before you ever have sex you have to mentally prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. Have you thought about what you would do if you did get pregnant on accident? Do you have a plan? If you think you would be prepared to keep the baby, do you have support? Do you have health insurance? Have you discussed what your boyfriend would do if you got pregnant? Do you have a plan for if he backs out of those promises and you are on your own? What if the baby is born with special needs? Could you handle raising a mentally handicapped child? If you choose not to keep the baby, are you prepared to face the mental difficulties/social stigma of that decision?
Now, if you have a birth control plan of action that makes you feel more secure than all of that is scary, you could go into sex with your eyes wide open. I agree, don't depend on condoms. If you are with an inexperienced guy, any number of things might happen to cause a slip or a break, the most common being that he doesn't know what size he should have. That increases risk tremendously as well as discomfort for him.
After you've thought about that, you need to stop and take a look at how you are feeling. I absolutely agree that Your Virginity is YOURS. I spite of the history of the world, it is not something bought, sold, traded, bartered, or given as a gift. It is yours to do with as you please. If you are having sex because this is what you want for you, more power to you. It should not be a gift or favor to your boyfriend, or something that you think will force him to stay with you. It should be something that you share. When you have mental ownership of your own body, sex becomes soooooo much better, including your first time.
Okay, next point. One of two things is going on downstairs. Either you have a sensitive/tough hymen as others have suggested, or you have vaginismus. I've had a couple of friends go through it, and because they were virgins, they had no idea what was going on, or how to make it better. Vaginismus happens in girls that mentally have put a lot of psychological weight on the act of having sex. You see it a lot in girls of restrictive religions especially. Basically, any act of penetration causes a panic attack that forces the muscles of the pelvic floor to seize, and Nothing is getting through there.
I think this might be a possibility due to your letter. You seem to be putting a lot of weight on your "first time."
So, here's what you can do. Follow the Dr.'s advice. Take things slowly and do everything BUT sex until you are comfortable and happy with all of it. In the mean time without your boyfriend, it is time to get to know your own body. You need to explore downstairs. Touch yourself and figure out what feels good. Start thinking about sex as healthy and fun and not a big deal and something that is yours. Fantasize a LOT, and touch yourself.
If you can't insert your own fingers and wiggle them around down there, you're not ready. Stretch and train your body to be accommodating before you ever jump in the sack, and you will be much more relaxed and comfortable when you do. Touching yourself does not equal losing your virginity. It does equal having ownership and autonomy over your own body. Learn yourself and what feels good, and you'll be much better prepared to communicate that with your partner.
Whatever you do, go for it or wait, do what feels right to you.
You should not be scared or confused, or you simply aren't ready.
Jess, you rock! 100% agree!
Oh, regarding not having sex before marriage, which is what you're really worried about.
I was fairly mature when I started having sex, and in the end I wished I would have waited only because I got married to my husband a couple of years later, and it would have been nice to not have to negotiate the drama of sex with my previous partners before hand.
Sex with a husband is an ongoing negotiation and lesson in communication. It can be a fabulous aspect of your marriage, but it isn't "fixed." Even after years of marriage, my husband and I are learning new, amazing, potentially kinky and fun things about our sex lives together.
The most important things to remember as a wife are:
#1 Sex is not currency, it is something that you share.
#2 Sex is not a chore, it should be crazy, wild, fun, fulfilling, sweet, sleepy, comfortable, playful, loving, intense, joyful, snuggly and all those things together if it is a really good night, but mostly it should also be for you. Never treat your own sexuality like something that should be shoved away or work. Figure out what it takes for you to maintain your interest in sex for sex's sake and DO IT! (I like reading naughty things, for example.)
#3 Any thing that could potentially be a snag for your sexual lives together needs to come up before you tie the knot. And your sexual expectations of one another need to be negotiated just like the chores and the bills.
So, no, you don't have to have sex just to make sure it's "good" before you marry a guy. That's a bad reason to be having sex to begin with. Marry the guy that makes you want to live a brilliant life, then figure the sex out as you go along. With time and patience it works out.
I will also say that sex can get better in a relationship over time and sometimes the people you have great sex with are not so compatible with you as a person. And, you can start off having great sex with someone and then realize they don't communicate well or only want to do one thing and that can fizzle it. Your first time with a new partner is rarely the best it can be because you have yet to work out each other's kinks and likes/dislikes perfectly ahead of time. As you learn each others' bodies, well, things just get better.
Openness to new things and clear and honest communication will keep the fires burning. I will say that in my relationship, things started off pretty good, but have gotten better and better because of our constant communication and willingness to explore.
As for sex before marriage, I have to disagree with Jess just a little. I think it is important for you to have had some sexual experience with each other prior to marriage to help start all those dialogues you need to have before entering into such a commitment. I mean, you can discuss things until you are blue in the face, but if you get into a married sex life and he discovers he's really into something you aren't or vice versa, well, that needs to be addressed well before walking down that aisle. But what you should do, and I cannot stress this enough, is WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE READY!!! If he loves you, he will also wait, but Jess is right, sex is something to be shared, not to be used as a carrot or a stick. You should never use it to make someone stay or to get them to marry you (I'm absolutely not implying that you are doing this) but you shouldn't go into a marriage blind to each others sexual interests either.
But what I am seeing, upon rereading your letter, is that you are scared that is your first time with each other isn't fantastic, then your relationship is doomed. And that is just not true. And it is putting way too much pressure on your first time. Yes, the first time is special, but it isn't your ONLY time you will ever have sex. Mostly it will be awkward and weird and then, the second time, the third time, with open communication sex will get better and better. Don't worry if you don't orgasm, you are young and most of us can't orgasm from vaginal penetration until we are in our late 20s-30s. And don't worry if he has trouble performing or he's done really fast. I guarantee he is just as nervous about this as you are and any of that stuff is about his insecurities and nerves, not your body or your performance.
So a couple of Dos and Don'ts for your first time (Assuming you've listened to the good Doctor about communication and to Jess and I about birth control and safe sex)
Do plan a special night for you both to come together for your first time. Make sure the room is warm. Have condoms and towels on hand. And clean sheets.
Don't involve any alcohol. I don't care how nervous you are. Alcohol will inhibit his performance and lessen your ability to say yes or no to things. But do hydrate with water ahead of time to improve lubrication.
Do spend lots of time on foreplay. Most women's bodies are not really ready for sex without at least 20min of foreplay. This is the time to explore each others bodies, to get comfortable and aroused.
Don't take whatever his performance is personally. You have no idea what is going on up in his head but if he is there with you, then he probably loves you and at least finds you very attractive sexually.
Do cuddle afterwards. You will be sweaty and gross but it is important to re-affirm your emotional connection to each other, to kiss, to whisper sweet nothings and to talk about what happened, even if that conversation is hard. Be brave.
Don't ever feel like you must go through with sex. If at ANY TIME you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, then STOP and communicate your feelings. Maybe you guys can talk it through or maybe you aren't ready and should wait for another night. Having sex if you are not 100% ok with it is a VERY BAD idea and that will hurt your relationship in the long run, much more than hypothetical "bad sex".
Good luck @scaredandconfused!
Great advice, it definitely does get better with time!
I agree that you might not know nitty gritty details if neither of you have done it, but waiting until Marriage is a very important goal for many people and that is worthy of respect. You aren't doomed to be terrible lovers if you do.
By figure out big snags, I mean things like,
Am I gay? Is he gay? Do I have no sexual interest at all? Does he? Etc. these are all things you should be able to figure out without having actually done it.
The best thing is to know thyself… in the biblical sense.
Jess,
I'm so sorry if I implied disrespect for those who choose to wait until marriage. It was not intentional. Everyone's sexual choices are their own and are to be respected. However, there are things that can come up in a consensual sexual partnership that can be more than whether one is gay or attracted to their partner. Huge differences in sex drive can cause issues, interest in certain kinks that one partner desires and the other doesn't. (Real life example: he discovers he has a foot fetish and she can't stand having her feet touched. My friends had this situation so now she lets him go rub other girls' feet and he brings that sexual charge back to her.) If you can work through those as a couple, great, but sometimes certain sexual interests and desires can be deal breakers and one might not know those are interests until one starts having sex. That is all I was trying to say. I personally do not believe in waiting for marriage but I also knew I wasn't going to get married young (still not married) and I wanted and have enjoyed an active sex life in my 20s and enjoy my body in it's 20-something health and flexibility.
I think most sex snags can be worked out with time, patience, acceptance, a giving spirit and an open mind. Unfortunately in today's world, those qualities can be in short order.
My first wife and I had great sex. We mistakenly thought that because we had great sex that the relationship was good too, and therefore lingered in a bad relationship longer than we should have. The point is that the quality of the sex has NOTHING to do with the quality of a relationship. Though, as Dr. Nerdlove has said, sexual incompatibilities can make maintaining a good relationship more difficult, just as can financial incompatibilities.
A note on lubricant: water-based lube is condom-safe, but so is silicone-based lube. Pretty much nothing else. If it's made of one of those two things, it'll say so on the bottle. I personally prefer a silicone-based lube called Pjur, but everyone has personal preferences. You can experiment with this on your own, too, before you use it with a partner. You can order sampler packs from good online sex toy stores like babeland.com or goodvibes.com or smittenkittenonline.com.
I've recommended this site before, but Scarleteen.com has some great articles for people thinking about having sex for the first time, including a really good/inclusive "Yes, No, Maybe" list like djteslarose mentioned. It's nice to talk ahead of time about what you might like to do, and sometimes that discussion can be an exciting part of foreplay.
When I had intercourse for the first time, I'd already been doing lots of other things (oral, manual stimulation, lots of making out, nudity, touching, etc) with my boyfriend at the time. It was, as the Doc says, a natural extension of what we'd already been doing and was therefore very nice. I think it's great advice to spend a lot of time getting used to each other first.
You got some great advice here!
I just wanted to say that with you both being virgins, you won't have to un-train old habits from other lovers. One thing that I have always found annoying is when I say "Do no touch that." and get the reply: "But my Ex loved it!" You won't have to worry about any of that!
You can both learn together, about eachother.
I'm going to warn you, now, about lube. It STINGS like a Mother#ucker on broken skin/flesh! If you are certain your hymen is intact definitely use a sensitive skin formula; there are even formulae that have a mild topical pain killer. (Those are usually marketed as prolonging or giving extra staying power.) I agree you should use a lot, however.
Good luck!
There's lots of great advice here and plenty that I'm not all that knowledgeable about, so I'll just touch on the subject I have an opinion about. Sex before marriage.
When I was growing up, I wanted to wait. Not necessarily for marriage, because I knew sexual compatibility was important for a marriage and it wouldn't be good to go in blind, but I wanted to wait for 'true love.'
Then I was raped.
Afterwards, not being much of a virgin anymore, I didn't feel like I was 'saving' anything and there were a couple times where I had consensual sex out of a 'something to do with someone I'm attracted to' moment more than anything. It was about as enjoyable as that sounds. Not the worst thing in the world but kind of boring.
I went without for awhile, and then got into a long distance relationship. It was a year before we even met in person. She left her kid with her parents for a weekend, flew to meet me, stayed in a hotel, and we got along so well I wound up spending the night with her. We wound up doing a ton of things sexual but not actual intercourse that time around, but in subsequent visits (every time after that I visited her instead) there was lots of sex, comparatively speaking. 90% of my sexual experience is with this one partner. The relationship lasted about three years, but we only spent about 3 weeks together in real life. When we did see each other, my high sex drive kind of went into 'overdrive' mode and we'd have sex once or twice a day (or more) for the duration of the visit.
Most of my favorite sexual memories are from that partner. It's been several years since that relationship, about four or 5 now I think, I lose track. I've dated for maybe a total of 6 weeks in that time with two different other women. One I had sex with, once, and then didn't hear from again shortly after. It wasn't fun. The other, we were doing sexual stuff without penetration of any kind, but it crumbled apart before I felt ready to have sex. (That's the most recent.) There was also a one-night-stand in there that just kind of happened and I went along with it. I don't regret the choice, but again it's another woman I never heard from again and not the best of experiences.
So, what's the point of all this long story? First off, I have some really messed up experiences and ideas about sex and you probably shouldn't listen to me anyway. =P But secondly, it's always weird/silly/uncomfortable/not perfect the first time with someone. Maybe there's people out there who somehow do really well their first time with a partner, but my experience so far has taken a lot longer.
For instance, it's incredibly difficult for a woman to be able to 'finish the job' for me when she's using her hands on me. That three year long relationship, she was so happy when she could finally do it, it took her like thirty tries (which was over the course of months because of how rarely we saw each other.) But she was charming and tenacious and wouldn't give up even when I said it wasn't that big of a deal if she couldn't. The most recent relationship, she was extremely frustrated and upset and felt like she needed some kind of instruction manual (it wasn't an attractive attitude). She treated it like a chore, and one she wasn't even good at. There were many reasons why that relationship fell apart.
The moral of the story is sex is important, but it's nothing to be scared and upset over. Communication and knowledge are your best tools. Knowledge meaning things like birth control and safe sex practices and knowing that oils break up a condom and all that kind of stuff. Ultimately it boils down to just a fun way to explore your body and your partner's body together, and the more you like your body and your partner (and to some extent your partner's body, although it's more important to just like your partner) the more fun you'll have.
That's the way I see it. I'd be interested in hearing about other viewpoints that agree or disagree.
I agree with everything Dr. NerdLove says except one thing. In my experience, losing my virginity was a very painful affair, despite being ready, used to the idea, loving patient boyfriend, me feeling the moment etc. So "somewhat uncomfortable" and "a little painful" were understatements of the century. A lot of people referred to losing one's virginity as "a deep pinch" and all 3 of my college roommates reported having no pain at all. I felt rather betrayed by all the "pshh, it's nothing" advice, like maybe there was something wrong with me for not being able to go through with it. Despite what my head was saying, my body didn't recognize this HUGE MONSTROSITY OHNOGEDDITOUTGEDDITOUT. Not nothing nor nobody was getting in there. After several tries we just gave up, and I felt distinctly lied to by all the feminist blogging ladies I'd been reading who all seemed to enjoy wonderful sex lives. "Deep pinch" my ass.
3 months later we tried again. Still fucking painful, but bearable. A few weeks later we tried a third time. I could almost enjoy it that time, after the initial painful bit where I felt really uncomfortably overstretched. It took several months of tries before the cringe-inducing ouchies went away. Then l found a new partner whose girth was larger, and that took getting used to as well. Mind you, this wasn't a hymen thing. I never bled ever. As far as I can tell, it was a stretchiness issue.
My point is, even if it takes you quite a few tries, and even if your first time isn't the magical affair some would have you believe, you *can* enjoy a wonderful fulfilling sex life with the one you love. Part of it is practice, part of it is preparedness, and sometimes a good helping of it is understanding that even if it doesn't work for you right away, you love and trust each other enough to try again some other time.
Oh wow, this is the first account I have heard of a "first time" that was just like mine! The first several times my boyfriend and I attempted to have sex, it just… wouldn't happen. He physically could not penetrate me. I remember spending hours in bed, trying to wait out the pain. We tried all sorts of positions, all sorts of tricks. Lots of alcohol, and pain killers, and foreplay. I would literally sit there with him inside me, relaxing my body so much I could fall asleep, but the nether regions still screaming in pain. The first time he managed to fully penetrate me, I was so tight that he found it painful too.
I went through a period of time thinking there was something wrong with me, because this was nothing at all like what my friends said their first times were like. And while my partner was very patient and understanding, I think he was also in a much bigger rush to get on with sex, and I felt like I was obligated to endure it however long it took. In fact, that was the very worst introduction to sex I could have had–associating it with pain, and shame at constant failure, and obligation.
But the one thing I'm glad for is that we did finally manage to have some very delightful sex before breaking up, because it allowed me to see sex as good and fun and pleasurable, rather than having my view of it tainted by those first times.
I hope if scaredandconfused is reading this she isn't scared away by our stories, because that isn't my goal here. What I want her to know is that everybody has different and entirely valid experiences. Lots of people have told me they had wonderful first times. And then there are people like me who had horrible ones. You can't build up your "first time" as the ultimate symbol of how your sex life is going to look forever. Because really, once you've done the work of making sure you are physically, emotionally, and psychologically ready, then it's all about just relaxing and having fun.
This was an empowering read for myself, even though I think it was meant for a much younger questioner. I'm 24, haven't had sex in over four years now, and now that I'm easing myself back into the dating world, I've been flat out flipping out about what to tell potential partners about a lengthy period of abstinence and some rusty-but-never-all-that-developed skills. Like explaining employment gaps, periods without dating anyone and definitely without having sex are a little hard to explain, even when they were deliberately chosen!
Still, the good Doctor's advice here about taking it slow and getting to know each other in a very careful way was a shock and really cleared up a lot of my worries about how to proceed with my fears. So, thanks a lot, Doc! (And good luck to the LW!)
This has been some of the best sex advice I have seen in a long time. I would add just a few more things:
1) Everybody is different. I know the letter-writer is a virgin and doesn't have "established preferences" but she will discover them. Please know that your preferences will not be the same as every other woman's preferences. Far too often I hear women say that a man doesn't know what he is doing because he doesn't know what she wants. But she is different from every other woman, so how can he know? Even after years of experience with other women, each new woman has new preferences. As others have said, you have to tell your partner what those preferences are and be willing to explore to find out what they are regardless of whether you are both virgins or both very experienced. So, don't let lack of experience make you think you are at some additional disadvantage. And do not expect anyone to "just know" anything.
2) Once you have taken proper precautions: Sex really is all about fun and games. Not that it isn't an important and intimate thing to share with your partner. But don't take it too seriously. Just relax and have fun. Play. Be silly. Experiment. If you come at it with the notion that it always has to be perfect or mind-blowing, then you will just ruin it for yourselves.
3) Don't rush it. As Dr. Nerdlove said, don't do anything sooner than you are completely ready. But also, once you are ready, don't rush things while you are doing it. Don't think you are necessarily going to get in bed and have mind-blowing orgasms within 10 or 15 minutes, even after lots of practice. Some do, some don't. Sometimes, for some women, a good orgasm can take 45 minutes to a couple of hours of romancing, talking, playing, massage, kissing, caressing and any manner of additional mental and physical stimulation. If that is what it takes then that is what it takes. Don't try to have sex according to anyone else's formula or time-table or what you may have seen in "movies." Make sure your partner is ready for this possibility as well.
4) Finally, give what I call 220%. 110% for your partner and 110% for yourself. Be in the moment and care about your pleasure and your partners. Stop worrying about anything else. Again, if you have taken the proper precautions then you shouldn't have to worry about anything else while you are in that moment.
Hymen 101: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qFojO8WkpA (From the very recommendable Sex+ vlog by Laci Green)
"my doctor could not do the finger test because it hurt me so bad." = ask your doctor if it could be 'vaginismus'. essentially, being nervous can cause your muscles to tighten too much, making it painful. your doc may perscribe anxiety meds or muscle relaxers to help.