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It’s surprisingly easy to ruin a perfectly good relationship.
You may not be aware that you’re doing it. Hell, you may think that you’re doing everything right to help keep your relationship healthy and strong… so when your significant other sits down across from you at dinner with that look on his or her face – you know the one – it comes as a total surprise.
The problem is that sometimes what helps a relationship survive – and what ends up killing it instead – can be completely counter-intuitive. Some behaviors, especially if you’ve been single for a while or just aren’t used to committed, long-term relationships, may feel absolutely natural to a single person… but they’re poison to relationships. If you want to keep your relationship running strong, you need to know what you may be doing that might be ruining it instead.
You’re Letting Sex Just “Happen”
One of the biggest lies that we tend to absorb is that we shouldn’t think too much about sex. Sex is best when it is utterly spontaneous and the best way for sex to occur is that you throw yourselves at each other like a couple of weasels in heat when you happen to have a free moment.
Preferably in slow motion. That’s how you know it’s true love.
The strength of your relationship is measured by how often any alone time turns into the two of you sucking face like a couple of hogs eating the same banana. If you really love each other sex will just happen. If the sex happens to slow down (or stop all together)… well that’s a sign that something’s wrong. You’re probably not doing enough to help your partner relax and get in the mood.
So What’s The Problem?
That random, spontaneous sex is great… when you’re still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship and everything is new and exciting. The problem is, that mad passion is going to fade. It’s a part of every relationship – the initial wave of passion recedes and is replaced by a deeper emotional intimacy and companionship. After that initial wave of passion, when you’ve started to settle into your life as a couple, it gets harder to make sex “just happen”. Responsibilities mount up and eat away your free time. You may have deadlines that you can’t afford to miss and trying to meet them saps your energy. Your partner may be stressed about work and just can’t spare the time to think about sex. The housework has mounted up to the point where you feel like you’re fighting an unending battle against disorder and mess. There will be more and more nights when one or both of you are just so goddamn tired that the spirit may be willing but the flesh would really rather go to bed and try again tomorrow.
And if you have kids… yeah. Good luck.
An active, satisfying sex life is incredibly important to a relationship – too important, in fact, to just leave it up to chance. So instead of hoping that life really is like a Cialis commercial and waiting for the right moment to come around, you make it happen. You put sex on the schedule and stick to it.
I like to mix it up with alternating Tuesdays and Thursdays. Aawwww yeah.
Treating sex like something on your weekly to-do list can feel a little odd at first – it’s hard getting past being taught that sex is supposed to be a spur-of-the-moment thing – but it actually makes sense. If it’s a regularly recurring event, you learn to schedule around it and ensure that you have the time to make the magic happen. Even if you’re not strictly in the mood, taking the time for at least some naked snuggling can help reduce tension, improve feelings of intimacy and get those endorphins flowing.
You Have Too Much Togetherness
One of the best parts about a relationship is that you don’t just have hot-and-cold running sex on demand and splitting half the rent, you’ve got yourself a partner in crime! You never have to feel lonely because you know that they’ll be right there with you through thick and thin! Right there! All the time! Because that’s what couples do!
So you’re dragging her off to watch Prometheus – even though she can’t stand sci-fi – and in exchange you’re going hiking in the woods with her even though you hate the sun and are allergic to just about everything with more than two legs. Even when all you want to do is unwind after a very long day of dealing with the assholes at work and blow away some pastel colored bastards in Whimsyshire, she wants you to come with her to do the grocery shopping. Meanwhile when all she wants is to relax on the couch with some popcorn and quality time with the boys from SAMCRO, you want her to come with you to the beer tasting at the local microbrewery. And when it comes right down to it, your friends have all come to accept that hanging out with one of you means hanging out with both of you… despite the fact that what you really want is just a night out with your buddies.
Because you’re supposed to share every moment you can together. Because that’s what couples do.
Oddly, being in a relationship seems to be an awful lot like starring in “Midnight Run”.
Even if it means that you’re sighing with barely concealed frustration in the produce aisle. And she’s pointedly checking her watch while you’re in line for the Pecan Porter. And your friends have quit calling because… well, they’re getting frustrated over the fact that you’re only available as a package deal.
So What’s The Problem?
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re now joined at the hip or that you no longer have any need for time on your own. In fact, it’s more important that you both get some alone time than it was before you started dating. There is no better way to smother the flames of romance than to squeeze every single ounce of togetherness you can out of life. Think of it like two rats in too small of a cage; eventually they end up trying to kill each other. All of those petty little irritations and annoyances have a way of building up over time; if you don’t have some sort of a release valve, you can quickly find that your love has been replaced by bitterness and resentment for smothering the life you used to have.
You need space, emotional as much as physical, to let your frustrations dissipate and have an identity beyond “Half Of A Couple”. A brief escape from all that togetherness – whether it’s physically going somewhere else or taking a couple hours to zone out in front of the computer or Xbox without being disturbed – can make all the difference between feeling as though you’ve got your beloved trying to crawl up your ass and remembering that you’re actually in love even though he annoys the shit out of you sometimes.
It’s worth noting that teen couples are especially prone to this behavior – when you’re young and full of fluctuating hormones, every relationship feels like THE MOST EPIC ONE IN HISTORY!!!! and you’re supposed to be wanting to spend every waking moment around your honey or else it’s proof everything is falling apart and he’s cheating on you and she’s about to go pull a train on a bunch of jocks because you fucked up and she’s mad at you.
They get over it.
Theoretically.
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Different people have different levels of togetherness, right?
I like to spend a lot of time with my partner. If she's okay with that too, what's wrong with that? I mean, I don't resent having to go to things I don't enjoy, because she wants to. I actually find it fun to get out of my comfort zone. If it was something I really didn't like, I wouldn't go.
The way you describe it sounds like a failure to communicate that you're not enjoying certain activities and a preconception that you have to do everything together. Any partner of mine is welcome to her alone time. I tend to not need a lot of alone time myself, though, but when I do, I can ask for it.
And if she needs too much alone time then I feel pretty disconnected. For example, my personal limit is I like to see my partner twice a week (either in person or an hours-long conversation by phone/IM/etc.) and hear from them daily (a quick text message counts as 'hearing from' and I'm flexible about extenuating circumstances; basically anything that lets me know she's still alive.) More is great, for instance I'd love to see her five times a week or so, but anything below twice a week and I start feeling like I'm single again.
I try to be flexible but I also have to understand my needs, and I know I'm a complete attention whore. Is that so wrong?
I think wanting your emotional needs to be met is totally normal and okay. Seeing a person more than twice a week also sounds pretty normal to me, and I'm a person who needs a lot of alone time.
But there are a lot of people who DO think they have to be together ALL THE TIME, and do absolutely everything together. I've seen it a lot. Guys who are always complaining about how they HAVE TO go see that movie they hate with their girlfriend, and girls complaining how they HAVE TO sit there through an entire football game they don't care about. I have a friend I can never have a "girls talk" with because her boyfriend is always always there. It's annoying. And it can take its toll on any relationship. I think that's what the Doctor means.
And yes, different people will have different levels of 'togetherness', but it's always good to have your own life going and doing stuff you really enjoy (but your partner dislikes, maybe), for your own mental health, if not for the relationship itself.
I prefer higher levels of togetherness than this suggests too, and it's been very workable. I think it's more of a question of not having one person feel smothered, which is SO subjective. I have an ex who needs off the charts levels of alone time, and that didn't work well for me. Then again, I lived with my current last winter, which I thought would drive me bonkers with the always being together, and then it was shockingly fine. I've also made good-faith efforts to try activities he likes that aren't my favorite, with good success.
Not really relevant to me now (first I need to get myself a girlfriend) but I'll bookmark this Page for when the time comes. Great post
Some of this was a little too familiar. . . .
Yeah I seem to remember reading a cracked article that brought up some of these points……… that's not what you were talking about was it.
Well anywho http://www.cracked.com/article_19230_the-5-least-…
The paragraph about the 'ball-and-chain' stereotype for (steady) relationships really caught my attention. Something always bothered me about movies and shows that featured that assumption, but I hadn't really consciously processed what the full implications of that sort of thinking were, AFTER that steady relationship had been established.
Very interesting.
Oh, the togetherness really hit me. The thing is, me and my fiance have pretty much always been together all the time, though we know this isn't the best thing for either of us. The first two years went pretty well in that sense, after all his parents made sure that we only went on dates once a month if we were lucky xD Once we started living together though, we are even more glued to each other.
Sadly I don't really know how to improve on that. I suck at making social contacts, I get really anxious and all-around awkward in new social settings and the only way I feel safe in being social is when he is there, so I am really stuck. It doesn't help that he is my best friend and we love spending so much time together, if it weren't for us feeling like we're doing a bad job at keeping up with our (mutual) friends and social requirements.
Is there anyone at all that knows what to do in a situation like this?
Definitely in the same position you're in. I live with my significant other, and I know it's not good to spend every moment together. Problem is, I also am not great at making new social contacts. What I did (and hopefully it's a possibility for you too) was reconnect with old friends that I have faded from. Even if we don't get together too often, it's enough to give both of us that space that is good for a relationship.
Another option for your situation is to go out and make friends while your significant other is there, but then hang out with the new friend without your significant other.
Thank you for your reply
I would do the same, and really, I should. Somehow it's tough though, because I moved away 7 years ago and all the friends I have right now are mutual friends between the two of us, meaning I have little to no friends of my very own. Those that I used to I saw last when I was 12, so I don't see how that is going to work out with my awkwardness and what not xD
The good thing is that I'm starting university after the summer and will be participating in the very social introduction week before I begin, where I'll be meeting plenty of students. The only issue is that I need to force myself to go and not be crippled by anxiety, as I know I'm prone to, hahaha.
The sex one is true. I've been married for four years (and was with my spouse for ten years prior to that…), and scheduling sex really helps. It sounds lame, but knowing when you're going to get laid is actually awesome.
Also, having something to look forward to all day? Possibly graphically? Hot. It's all in how you spin it.
you say GF, but then you're living with them and have shared finances – that's more like fiance. Further, as long as I'm paying the bills that we've agreed on, it's none of her business if I buy a laptop. Hell, when I get married, carving out budget for me to go buy whatever is going to be part of the deal.