Doctor,
I write to you today to ask for advice on dating women without much in the way of money. Before I come across as some kind of tightass I’ll explain my situation.
I have been unemployed, with the odd stretch of a temporary position here and there lasting no more than two months, for two and a half years and going (my position was made redundant by my company in a response to the GFC). I unfortunately have to rely on welfare to survive, and after I pay rent and bills my budget is razor thin. I usually don’t have enough money for a full tank of fuel in the car, and many days I’ll be eating ramen for at least one meal. In extreme cases I have lived off Christmas cake for a few days, but things aren’t so bad right now. However, I am keeping calm and carrying on as best as I am able and still working toward employment. So onto the problem that I’m bothering you with.
At the start of this stretch of unemployment I had decided to get employment before finding female companionship, but as time goes by I find myself see-sawing between loneliness and missing the spark a relationship gives. And so I am considering rejoining the dating pool. Problem being that I literally have no money. Common sense is screaming to me that I should secure employment before seeking any kind of relationship or risk nothing more than curt rejection, but between not knowing when that could be and finding myself thinking about being in a relationship more and more, I am wondering if dating women on an extreme budget is possible. For the record, I am expecting a flat ‘no’ here. But if it is possible, albeit improbable, I want to give it a go.
To start with, how blatantly should I be advertising that I’m broke? I don’t have an OKCupid account (or equivalent), but am looking at making one soon. Do I need to post the fact that I don’t have much on there? If I don’t, will women see that as some form of ‘false advertising’, or is this something to bring up on the first date and see how the cards fall? How do you even tell her?
Secondly, I usually don’t have the money per fortnight for much more than one meal out at a date-worthy establishment. By which I mean anything more expensive than fast food, which I’m not about to subject a woman to on a date. When I’m by myself I can keep entertained by replaying old video games, reading classical literature from the library (The Divine Comedy feels sadly familiar), or rewatching Initial D, but I don’t really have ideas for cheap/free dates that won’t get me laughed at or fled from. Any that come to mind, or methods to find specifically local cheap date ideas would really help out.
I’m sick of the ‘wake up -> look for work -> stave boredom -> sleep alone’ cycle I’m stuck in over and over. I’m doing all I can to find work in the meantime, but until then am I doomed to repeat this scenario over and over alone?
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for your time.
Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaire
I’m not terribly surprised that you’re worried about things. As much as we all like to say that “all you need is love”, one of the most common causes for relationship strife comes from money issues. NPR just ran a story yesterday about how people are finding that their relationships are being sabotaged by people’s worries about the respective level of student debt that their partners are carrying. Fact of the matter is, the economy sucks and everybody’s having trouble money wise.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t date, or date on the cheap.
The issues that should concern you about dating are less about money and more about responsibility. From the sounds of it, you’re doing things right: you’re living within your means and trying to find work as best as one can when there are more than seven people for every one job. This is a mark in your favor – you’re showing that you know how to budget, handle money and don’t waste your money on non-necessities. Now, if your being unemployed is going to affect your self-esteem or confidence - which is fair, all things considered – it’s going to affect your dating life.
On the whole, I don’t think being broke or unemployed means that you can’t date; we all have needs for companionship and love, after all. I would recommend you make finding a relationship a secondary or tertiary issue at best – you would probably feel better if you didn’t have the “Unemployed” label hanging over your head like the Sword of Damocles, and being saving up your money should be a much higher priority – but I don’t see a problem with it per se, especially if you’re just looking to date casually.
Now, in absolute fairness, it will be tough. There will be people who won’t want to date you because you’re unemployed and/or broke. Some of them will be materialistic. Some of them will worry that you’re just going to sponge off them like a bad cliche deadbeat boyfriend. Some will think less of you because we live in a society based in part on Calvinist ideals and believes that the poor are only poor because they are lazy. And yes, some will wonder if every date is going to involve going to McDonalds and that Chili’s is going to be fancy dinin’. Don’t let anyone who rejects you on those levels get you down; be thankful that they’re going to filter themselves out early so that you don’t have to deal with them instead.
Is it possible to date on a tight budget? Yes, it is. It can be difficult, but not impossible. There are plenty of dates you can go on that require little outlay of cash – art shows and gallery openings, walking in the park, lectures, even trips to the dollar theater or matinee showings of movies. Some museums operate on the “pay what you can” principle. A lot of bars will have live music without a cover charge – although they will be expecting you to buy a drink or two. If you live in a college town, or a city with a large student population, there will be any number of events, festivals and rallies that you can go to for cheap-to-free.
In your dating profile, I wouldn’t make a big fuss about being unemployed, but it’s something I’d bring up well before you go on your first date. In the profile itself, might want to frame your situation as temping while looking for long-term job prospects – which is true. When you’re talking to people past the initial introductory e-mail, I would bring up the fact that you live on an extremely tight budget and you can talk about employment woes – getting laid off, having to do the temp job circuit, learning how to get incredibly creative with Ramen, etc. The key is to remember that this isn’t something to be ashamed of: you’re not confessing to a deep and embarrassing secret, it’s just a set of unfortunate circumstances that you’re working hard to get out of.
You’re hardly the first or the only person to be in dire straights economically, and I imagine you’ll encounter plenty of others in the dating pool who have either been in your shoes or are in a similar position.
Plus: don’t underestimate the value of networking. Just because a date might not work out doesn’t mean that you couldn’t meet someone who could point you towards a job.
Good luck!
Have you been in Temp’s position? Do you have any advice for dating on an extreme budget? Know of some excellent free date ideas? Share your story in the comments!
Man, I feel for you. I'm so sorry you're in this position, and I hope your job prospects open up soon.
As for dating, as a woman, I personally wouldn't see your situation in poor light, all things considered. For me at least, it has never been about what a man has, but his potential. You are clearly demonstrating your potential in a good way in that you are doing your best in tight circumstances and you're not giving up. That's the key, don't give up. Do what it takes. I don't just respect that, I admire it deeply.
As for cheap dates. Never underestimate the value of a picnic! Pack some fresh fruit (cheap) some cheese and crackers (cheap) and some lemonade (cheap) then find something interesting to do near where you are. Botanical gardens are often very cheap to visit and beautiful as well as interesting and the perfect romantic place for a date and a picnic. Japanese gardens are a good spot as well.
Good luck, and I really mean it.
If you find the right girl, she'll invest herself in helping you reach the potential you are already showing.
I wish you the best.
Most young people these days are very empathetic about this sort of problem. I don't know how old you are, but people 19-25ish have already graduated or will soon graduate into an unsteady economy with no assurance of job, ridiculous amounts of student debt, no insurance, etc. This generational monetary experience has become so entrenched that it has truly re-written the "rules" of dating. So, chances are excellent that the women you are interested in will be understanding about the situation.
In this economy a LOT of people are in the same position you are in. Some have jobs and they are still on a tight budget making dating difficult, so I agree with what the Doctor is saying here.
Something you might consider doing: become a volunteer. Several of my friends who were in between jobs decided to use their time to volunteer for various non-profits and community organizations. Doing this not only helps you fill your time, it looks good to future employers (one of my friends found a paying job because of networking through his volunteer work), and you can meet new people as well. Getting involved in your community can also lead to discovering free events you can take a date to.
Just something to think about. =)
-e
This is a great idea. Then when employers ask what you've been doing the last year, you have a list of awesome things to tell them, instead of just saying, "looking for work." And when you are on a date and your girl asks what you do, you can say "I'm a volunteer at (insert awesome cause here)" And that is always impressive.
I agree with Jess!
Sometimes, the best dates are the least expensive. It's really the thought and creativity that counts. I, personally, am a big fan of the picnic idea. Also the beach (though that might be a later date, not a first) or hiking, or kayaking/canoeing/rowing (in a rowboat, not a scull), a local festival, ice skating in the winter, or cooking dinner at your place or hers. It's really about the quality of the time you spend together, not the quantity of money you spend during that time.
Best of luck!
Take her to a Walmart or Target to the less than 5$ bargain bin of crappy movies. Ask her to help you pick out what looks like the worst movie in there. Make homemade popcorn at home and have a wonderful night in, laughing at the worst movie crap you could find.
Or, once you are dating, you can make it a challenge with her. Plan a date for 2 for 20$ or less. You each take a turn planning and taking the other on these "cheap" dates. Winner gets…..well, you both are winners in this scenario aren't ya?
Happy Dating!!
That is a BRILLIANT idea! I may have to swipe that for myself.
Also, protip: Brown paper lunch bag, add corn kernels and a spoon of olive oil, microwave, and you have some very tasty homemade popcorn.
I would recommend trying out some different dating sites, such as How About We. The site revolves around suggesting activities for dates, rather than a full profile, so you could just post some cheap/free date ideas and see who bites!
That site looks really cool. I like the idea that a date suggestion is already in place!
I like the idea of networking and dating at the same time. I once heard that when you are looking for a job, you should never eat lunch alone… why not make that person a potential love interest??? Two birds, one stone!!
As a woman, I don’t want to be burning through cash just to get to know someone and I don’t expect a guy to have to burn through his savings to hang out with me either. I always gravitate towards the cheap as free date activities. It demonstrates a healthy attitude toward money and relationships. If you can fulfill your needs and lead a complete life on less cash, when you do have cash coming in you can put it toward bigger goals. Flash doesn’t impress me, but thrifty habits are attractive!
Wow. Thank you for covering this topic. I've a lot to think about with a brighter perspective.
A good deal of my friends are going through the same thing you are going TEM and i can sympathize.
A few things i learned from the collective experience of friends and family.
Try to get out more and communicate. I find that a lot of my friends become shut-ins as a result of unemployment. it's definitely understandable, you can't go out with friends as much now that you have to watch your budget and you fall into a routine of staying at home. However, this can affect a person negatively and cause depression and physical illness.
There are many things you can do that won't cause you a cent. Take up running, swimming in public pools, biking etc. This will keep you occupied, make you tired and therefore help you avoid those stressful sleepless nights and keep you fit. Fitness is important because, unfortunately, many employers hire by sight and often base their evaluation of on looks, so staying healthy is definitely important. Also, if you're broke you really can't afford to be sick.
As someone already mentioned, you should consider volunteering, even at a small position is better then no position at all. Due to constant cut-backs many places like libraries, community centers and shelters badly need volunteers. Animal shelters can be tricky to get into, but homeless shelters, soup kitchens and donation distributors like salvation army usually don't turn people away. This will allow you to communicate with people, network, get different experiences, make friends and maybe find someone interesting to hang out with one-on-one. it also reflects well on you that in your time of need you were helping others.
In regards to dating i feel i know very little about on-line dating so my response is somewhat biased but i think it is better to bring up the issue of your financial situation in conversation rather than in writing form. it just seems like it would be easier to naturally weave the topic into a conversation. most conversations today will at least touch on the poor state of the economy, at which point you can jump in and say something like:
"Yes, the job situation is not great, i myself am in-between jobs at the moment, it's a bit tough but with careful budgeting thankfully I'm managing."
Bam, done. in one sentence you brought up casually that you are looking for a job, but that you are careful with money and are not losing hope about the future.
Finally, don't give up hope.
Unfortunately, your situation is a common one. there is no shame in it and i think most people would be understanding.
Good Luck!
I've had great fun on dates that didn't cost a dime. I've gone hiking, listened to free outdoor concerts or seen free outdoor showings of movies or performances of plays (we're in the season for it), gone walking around historic neighborhoods, gone to a public beach in the off season, gone sledding, gone to local botanical gardens or arboretums, had picnics or bbqs (many public parks have bbq setups for public use), gotten together with other couples for Buffy marathons…I think you see how this list could expand.
What all these also do though is put the focus on you (and her) as a person. Wandering around a botanical garden is boring as all getout with someone you realize too late you don't have anything in common with.
Secondly, don't ignore your friends just because you're broke! Have them over to play videogames. Potluck with them. Pool movie collections. Being unemployed doesn't make you a pariah, it just means you can't go out and drop $$ at a bar.
Great advice (both in the article and the comments)! I agree that you can certainly date while broke, with a bit of planning. I know from experience, too, that it can feel like your life is on hold while you're unemployed; I don't think you should further feed into that by deliberately putting your dating life on hold.
Why not start working that time you spend at the local library? Research local historical sites; tiny, quirky free museums; and offbeat festivals and events. Discovering something together that neither of you have tried before can be a great bonding experience for the first date, and suggesting something like this will probably tell you a lot about whether you and she find the same kinds of things interesting.
Planning a picnic is both a cheap and romantic idea. Museums often have free or reduced admission once a week and going to the zoo is a fun date that isn't too expensive. Potluck and board game nights are a good group activity.
Good luck!
I agree! I love to invite friends to Game Nights. A couple decks of cards, or scrabble/monopoly/trouble etc., a case of brews or a bottle & mixer, a few friends at the home of whomever has the biggest living room and you have your $10 date (A bit more if you're a beer snob like me!) As long as you can assure that your date isn't the only girl in the room it's awesome, even as a casual date.
I'd suggest reading your local alt weekly paper. They usually point out a lot of events in the city and there are tons of free things to do. You can usually find a good wine tasting or other social events which always makes you look good and informative on local affairs. I'm lucky my local art museum has a free night during the week and I have found that to be an excellent place to take first dates.
See I can understand that situation since i was in it once before, jobless and wanting to date, but i've fixed that problem (working two jobs now) but with the bills I have, I still have barely enough to keep me fed.
I think location would have a part of it too. The area i live in is at least 20 minutes from town and hardly any of my friends will make an effort to come and visit. How the hell is a guy like me supposed to date in a situation like this?
Good luck on that stuff.
As a student with no job I know the woes of dating cheap, and I can only repeat what the Doctor has already said, more or less: exhibitions, art galleries, interesting museums and such.
I just took a girl on a rather long date, during which I paid for everything, and it still cost me only about 15 euros. Keywords were city street art, a modern art gallery (Hilarious stuff!), strolling through some parks, coffee at some ok-level chain establishment and stuff like this.
So you definetly can organise a date of some kind with very limited expenditure, just requires some planning and perhaps a bit of prior knowledge of the exhibitions and all these.
I think it would depend on the girl you’re dating. I mean sometimes even if you have all the money, if you are not physically attractive, maybe you might want to ask help from dating agencies. For some, they would accept you even if you’re broke… and that is so fortunate of you! For some, even if you don’t have the looks, but you have the car? Expect a hitch from the one you like!