Dear Doctor,
I was recently in a string of long-term relationships with out much casual dating in between.
The most recent included a terrible break up so I plan to stay single for a while but am not opposed to casual dating or sex… however it’s not something I have a lot of experience in yet.
I recently asked a male friend of mine to go on a date with me at some point in the future and he was pretty disinterested and said he doesn’t really do “dates”. We never did go on a date but we have had sex a few times. I enjoyed myself and while I wished for more of a romantic connection – I knew it was unlikely to happen so I contented myself with sex and friendship. However lately he has been talking about dates, crushes and other fuck buddies when I’m in ear shot and I feel a little hurt. I have other dates and fuck buddies as well I just felt it was rude and inconsiderate to discuss them with or in front of the others. Am I right?
If so, how do I let him know it bothers me with out coming across as jealous?
Manners, Please
It’s all about establishing boundaries.
Some people may feel that, now that you’ve shared body fluids and physical intimacy, then you shouldn’t have any problem sharing the other intimate details of your lives, which may range from your social lives to sharing toothbrushes and peeing with the door open. Some people obviously don’t. These are the sorts of details that usually don’t get hashed out in advance, but negotiating them can make the difference between a happy Friends With Benefits relationship and a hookup that at least one of you ends up regretting.
Since your hooking up was predicated on there being no strings attached he may not realize that chatting about this in front of you might upset you. After all, he’s likely assumed that since there’s no emotional connection, there’s no reason you might feel uncomfortable hearing about his love life. Unless your friend is trying to pull a jealousy plotline on you – keeping you emotionally involved by triggering a sense of competitiveness born out of your being jealous of all the other dates, crushes and fuck-buddies he has – I’d say it’s just a case of being a little ignorant of how his attitude makes you feel.
Best thing to do is just take him aside and say “Hey, listen. It’s cool that you’ve got your love life and your hook ups, just like I’ve got mine. If it’s all the same though, I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t bring ’em up when I’m around. I’m happy to assume you’ve got other things going on in your life, but I’d really rather not know the details. Cool? Thanks.”
Keep it matter of fact and with a hint of a smile and it’ll be an issue of courtesy rather than you being jealous of his conquests.
Hello Dr Nerdlove.
I’m wondering if you could help me with a problem I’m having being heard? I’m a nerd girl that normally gets described as ‘shy’, ‘quiet’ and ‘nice’. As in even my siblings do not believe I get angry. A common issue I have is that if I’m speaking up for someone, that opinion gets discounted as ‘Oh, but you wouldn’t say anything bad about anyone.’ Really I’m just not that fond of workplace gossip.
It makes me feel disempowered, but when I try to bring this up with people and assert myself, it leads to another problem: “No” isn’t enough.
If someone oversteps a boundary, I will let them know, but they never seem to take it seriously. This is irritating, say, when trying to stop someone spoiling the end of that awesome anime you’re watching. It feels a hell of a lot worse when your trying to tell someone to stop hugging you because you are genuinely in pain, or that you don’t want to marry them, or that you want the man at the restaurant to quit harrassing you because, customer is always right be damned, you do not try to grope an employee.
All I really want is for people to listen to and respect my wishes instead of taking them lightly, but I’m at a loss how better to communicate this. It’s a problem I’m having a lot of trouble with that’s really beginning to damage relationships. I’d really appreciate your help.
All Ears
Doc: For clarification purposes, can you give me an example of how this tends to play out?
All Ears: I hurt my back a few weeks ago, not seriously, but enough to hurt if someone was to pat it, hug me, etc.
My friends and I are the type to hug upon greeting, so when I met up with them I let all of them know that I wasn’t trying to be rude when I didn’t approach them like normal.
Most of them were respectful of this, but I’ve got one friend who’s more affectionate than the rest, who still insisted on being handsy, no matter how much he got pulled up on it.
The general exchange would go: “That’s hurting my back, could you please stop”
“How can a hug hurt?”
“*Explanation of injury*”
After which he’d laugh t all off and ten minutes later we’d be back to where we started.
I started throwing in a few “I’m being serious”‘s, and “I’m not joking”‘s, and my tone started getting a bit snappish. But although he knows me and that I’m normally not like that, not easily irritated without reason, he’d laugh it off every time.
That’s normally how it goes. I get frustrated by the end it, and they seem either amused or bewildered that I’m annoyed at all.
I’m not quite sure where it gets so confused.
OK I see the problem. Sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
Women, even in this day and age, are still socialized to put other people’s feelings before their own (especially men’s), to not give offense and to go along to get along. This sort of social programming can be hard to overcome, especially when you’re already on the shy side of things.
It certainly doesn’t help when there are plenty of assholes out there who think that teasing shy and less assertive people makes for great fun.
It sounds to me as though you regularly couch what you say in ways that soften the blow for fear of causing offense, even when what you really wish is for them to SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT GODDAMNED NOW.
The best advice I can give is to quit worrying about offending people and give yourself permission to be direct. Extremely direct if need be. Fuck subtlety, it’s time to say exactly what’s on your mind with strength, clarity and volume. Instead of saying “Would you mind not spoiling this show for me?” say “Hey, shut up already. I haven’t gotten that far and I don’t appreciate your spoilers.”
Let yourself get mad! Let your friends and family be shocked by the fact that you’ve decided to stand up for yourself and state what you want in no uncertain terms.
Your overly-huggy friend may not mean any harm, but he’s seeing your equivocation (“would you mind please…”) as permission to keep doing whatever he wants. Don’t mince words or ask his permission – tell him in a tone that cannot possibly be seen as joking or only half-serious that no, he needs to let go right goddamn now.
When your unruly customers start getting grope-y, tell them in a very loud, clear voice “Sir, get your goddamned hands off of me.” Politeness is wasted on the harassers – like your huggy friend, they will take anything less than 100% assertiveness as permission to do whatever they want and when you finally start getting snappish, they will get a nasty case of butthurt over it. “Hey, it was just a joke, no need to get all upset about it.”
When you’re setting boundaries, you don’t need to ask for somebody else’s permission or worry that they’ll be upset. Think of these demands like a knife: short, sharp and pointed.
There will be some people who will push back against your being more assertive. They’ll make jokes about “uh oh, she’s gonna explode!” or how “it’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.” They’ll joke about how cute you are when you get angry and try to minimize it. Ignore them; their behavior is part of how they will try to control you and force you back into the role you used to occupy.
It’ll be hard. It may feel unnatural to be that direct, that blunt, that loud. You need to stick to it. You have a right to your boundaries, a right to expect them to be respected and a right to enforce them. And I think that when you do start asserting yourself you’ll find that you like it.
Good luck!
Do you have advice for All Ears and Manners, Please? Have you had to deal with learning to be more assertive or navigating the world of friends with benefits? Share your stories in the comments!
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Good luck.