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The only sure path to improving your dating life is to improve yourself. But what happens when nobody else seems to notice these changes?
Going from the sad sack loser – an “average frustrated chump” in PUA parlance – to being someone who was confident and at ease with himself and who actually was skilled at meeting women, getting dates, getting laid – took years of work. I had to fight a lifetime of ingrained bad habits, self-limiting beliefs and the adoption of somebody else’s identity of who I was.
I was, frankly, rather justifiably proud of the improvements I’d made in my life… but while my friends in my adopted home town revelled in my newfound identity, my childhood friends didn’t seem to notice at all.
In fact, at the time it seemed to me as though they were actively working to force me back into my old identity: The One Who Was Not Good With Girls. Any stories I had about the women I was meeting or the dates I had gone on were seen as exaggerations at best – outright lies at worst. Any opinons I had about approaching women were met with disdain. In fact, if we were out at bars, they’d treat me as a joke for their entertainment – “Ok Cassanova, show us what you’ve got. Go talk to that girl at the bar! Ooh, ooh, and you have to use this line!”
It can be frustrating, maddening even, when nobody wants to acknowledge just how much you’ve improved. It can make you doubt that you have actually changed at all. To make matters worse, it can make you lose that progress you fought so hard for. When the people whose opinons matter to you seemingly refuse to acknowledge how much you’ve changed, it can lead to you falling back into your old, bad routines. What’s the point in changing when nobody notices or even cares?
Why is it so damned hard to change the way people see us?
Turns out that it’s a mix of social dynamics and how our brains work.
Why Do You Care?
We all have a core group of people – friends, family, maybe an ex-lover or two – whose opinions carry more weight in our estimation than most do. It may be that you are trying to prove a point - “When she sees how much I’ve changed, she’ll totally regret dumping me/beg me to take her back/start seeing me as more than ‘just a friend’.” It could be that these are the core group whose esteem and opinion of you carry more weight in your life than in others and you want them to be proud of how much you’ve improved and changed over the years
Or – and let’s be honest here, this has happened to almost all of us – it may well be that these are the people whose validation you are seeking in order to prove a point to yourself. It’s easy to say “yes, I am completely different from who I used to be; I am no longer the loser I once was” to yourself… so easy, in fact, that you can still feel that little germ of doubt, that annoying little voice in the back of our heads that says “Are you suuuuuuure? Maybe you’re just deluding yourself…” Having others acknowledge how much you’ve improved has more emotional heft, more validity, than just your own estimation.
The problem with this all-too-common issue is that by relying on the acknowledgement of others is ultimately a loser’s game; you’re ceding your locus of control to an external source – which in practice means that you’re putting your self-esteem and sense of self worth in the hands of others. By letting others influence your identity, you are tacitly giving up your right to define yourself and allowing others to define you. By allowing others to define you, by not being self-validating, you will ultimately never be happy or satisfied for very long; you will be far too concerned with the opinions of others rather than focusing on yourself.
“…nope, you’re still a loser, NERD.”
That having been said, not having the acknowledgment by your peers can actually make it harder for those changes to stick. When it seems as though you can’t escape your old identity – when you’re being treated exactly the way that you were in the bad old days, you can find yourself falling back into those old behaviors. Much like with recovering alcoholics, those old behaviors and habits are easy to fall back into – and your friends and family may end up reinforcing those old habits.
It’s worth keeping in mind, however, that most of the time that our friends aren’t maliciously trying to hold us back. In fact, it may well be that they literally can’t see the changes.
People Are Mentally Lazy
One of the odd issues about the human brain is that we don’t perceive as much as we think we do. We like to think that we see people in their totality – treating them as a holistic person and making rational assumptions based observations and experience. Instead, we rely heavily on shortcuts, first impressions stereotypes and pre-conceived notions of who we think other people are. These mental images can be affected by a few traits, both positive and negative. Known as the halo effect, we will take a few key impressions – how physically attractive they are, how friendly they are to us off the bat, how extroverted they are versus how introverted - and extrapolate these into an entire persona out of it.
The fact that this persona may not bear any resemblance to reality is beside the point. Someone we think is stuck up and snobbish may just be shy and withdrawn. The funny, outgoing charmer with the boyish good looks may be a horrible human being who delights in kicking puppies and burning down orphanages… but we refuse to see it because how could someone who makes us laugh be a bad person?
Once we have these mental impressions, it can be incredibly difficult to shift them. We are all prone to confirmation bias – we prefer to believe we’re right about everything, so we will naturally mentally filter out information that contradicts what we believe and focus with laser-like intensity on the tiniest scraps that confirm what we already believe.
“VALIDATE MY PROGRESS, GODDAMN IT!”
On the personal level, this meant that, even when I would go out with my friends and chat up women who found me to be charming and delightful, my friends would dismiss it as random chance – if they even noticed it at all. If I happened to screw up or walk away without getting her number1 then it was just further confirmation that I was exaggerating (at best) or inventing a new life out of whole cloth, rather than a reminder that nobody hits a home run every time.
- and as I’ve said before, just getting a phone number means absolutely nothing in and of itself [↩]
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To me, frankly I don't worry too much about what my friends think. I mean sure, I like to get some acknowledgement here and there, but in the end I realize that the change begins in me. Looking back at the things I have done ever since I started to improve myself, while not really significant on from an objective point of view – they are significant to me. It's these little steps that give me the power and encouragement to go forth and continue to improve and go to brave new places (both metaphorically and physically).
Plus, I also remind myself that I am now shaping slowly but surely a new person that his future is still "unwritten" and can still be forged by the actions that I will take.
Always reminds me of a great inspirational song that I like to hear just to remind me to keep going: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI
"Going from the sad sack loser – an “average frustrated chump” in PUA parlance – to being someone who was confident and at ease with himself and who actually was skilled at meeting women, getting dates, getting laid "
this is really what made yourself a "better person?" I don't understand why people measure their worth as a person with getting women or men…
I get you had a bad image as the "guy who couldn't get girls" but why does an ability to get dates and have sex make people happy? why put so much hard work into something so meaningless?
"but why does an ability to get dates and have sex make people happy? why put so much hard work into something so meaningless?"
Well, I'm not really an expert on that subject but I can safely guess that people are generally happier when they have a more fulfilled sex life / more relationships with the opposite sex. It's a natural part of being human. We want to have relationships.
That said, I also can't really understand why people measure their worth as a person with getting women or men.
However, I guess it's hard to deny that the general, socially acceptable idea is that the more people someone (specially males) go out / have sex with, the more sucessful he is. No one wants to be the, as the doc puts it, the "sad sack loser".
as a woman I personally like being the "sad sack loser". don't have to worry about possibly getting pregnant with a stranger from 15 minutes of meaningless sex :/
I mean really though why put so much effort into meeting and impressing someone just for random SEX? I just find that so sad
I don't think the Doc has ever implied that the advice on this blog is for getting random, meaningless sex (not that there is anything wrong with that if that's what you want). I don't understand why people always think that.
Yeah, believe me anon, I know where you're coming from (or at least, I see it as a pretty major part of admitting to myself I'm probably actually asexual even though I'm still reluctant to call myself that) but to be fair to the Doc, his articles are very much geared towards dudes not only meeting and impressing ladies, but making lasting fulfilling relationships out of it.
The wording of that bit was kinda problematic, though. I'll agree it has some unfortunate implication.
The difference between being single and being in a relationship is so much more than "random sex." A lot of people are in relationships that don't involve sex at all.
But what is wrong with wanting to have sex? Honestly? There is nothing problematic about that. Saying you want to gain more confidence to talk to women, partly because you want to hook up more is not the same as saying you are trying to manipulate women or now see them as objects (attitudes the doc keeps arguing against). There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex.
Im sorry not to attack anyone who is asexual. Nothing wrong with that either
unpopular opinion I just find casual sex pathetic and gross sorry. don't care if you're a guy or a girl. I know it's consenting and that's fine but either way you're using each other for their own pleasure. I just find putting in effort to impress people for 10-15 minutes of shitty sex pathetic *shrugs* I'm more of a "it's ok if you love someone" kind of person. I know people are going to get mad for being judgemental but I can't help my way of thinking. I just find the idea of casual sex really gross and placing your self worth as a human on how much you can get "laid" extremely sad.
I know the Doc's advice applies to all sides from causal sex to long term relationships, but whenever he talks about his past self..I get that vibe from him… and as someone who pines for women's rights, it REALLY rubs me the wrong way.
Oh hai Nikki.
You should really fixed your warped definition on "casual sex". Maybe start by actually knowing the definition.
K bai.
you don't really like being the sad sack loser, you're just single by choice. This is for people who don't want to be, or people who want to have a better shot at whatever girl they find they like.
" you’re just single by choice"
now where did I say I was single?
anon- I understand you have your own feelings about the morality of when/with who to sleep with and that's fine for you. Not everyone agrees that just because something is not long term that it isn't meaningless. There are many kinds of encounters and relationships that people can have without any sex beyond *long term commitment* being ewwww gross.
As someone who "pines for women's rights", I find your sex-negative attitudes extremely troubling.
Saying that any form of sex that is not "emotional," who you don't' have "strong feelings for" is the newer version of slut shaming and erases the great variety of other sexual experiences that can be awesome. We want to *liberate* women, right? NOT put them in more arbitrary boxes. The key is to treat the other person you are with as a *person* – which the Doc has always advocated in this blog – part of why I read it regularly.
"placing your self worth as a human on how much you can get “laid” extremely sad."
Again – you are confused. Everyone would agree that this is not a healthy attitude to have, and not what the article was implying.
how am I going against womens rights when my attitude is towards women AND men?
I don't know, maybe I wouldn't be so sex negative if people were more responsible. I'm not anti sex, I just find the idea of casual sex as a way of using each other for selfish personal gain.
At the end of the day … isn't any time we ever ask anything of people just a way of using them for selfish personal gain? Like, asking them for help with maths homework, or asking them to carry some heavy stuff into the kitchen? Even if the person being asked is perfectly happy to do those things, you're still getting them to do something for you while not giving anything in return (unless they ask for payment or something).
those are gestures of human empathy. casual sex is just used to rack up your numbers, stroke your ego, and has no merit. really why not just mastrubate if you want to get off? why do you have to go out and be so willing to impress people to achieve something you could have done yourself? what does casual sex achieve and mean other than selfish desires with no meaning or merit? especially with all the risks it carries like stds, unwanted pregnancy, etc. (yeah abortion exists but that shit is expensive and I feel people forget that little tid bit.) from people you'll never be able to contact again. Just the fact people are willing to share their bodies with just anyone disturbs me. I can't stop people from doing any of this but it doesn't mean I can't have an opinion either.
> I just find the idea of casual sex as a way of using each other for selfish personal gain.
so you disapprove of it and want people to stop because of that? Casual sex can be fun, I don't really care what you think about it either.
I love people like you. You can talk all you want about your sex life and sexual views but if I give my personal opinion you all get mad haha.
People like casual sex for the same reason people like playing football. It's a fun thing to do with other people. Sometimes people are careless and other people get hurt, but hey, that's life. All fun things involve risk.
Just because you don't like football doesn't mean someone else can't enjoy it. People are different. They like different things. You aren't a better person just because you don't like something that a lot of people like.
either way I'm still going to find it disgusting and you can't change my opinion.
If you do judge people because they enjoy something, that speaks more to your own insecurities than to any flaws with other people.
See also: Conservative Christians who criticize homosexuals.
so if someone enjoys mastrubating to cut up human bodies I should be non judgemental? alright.
"See also: Conservative Christians who criticize homosexuals."
that ain't the same thing.
I speak only for myself, but I called the phrasing problematic because it seemed to imply a persons worth is determined by how much sex they can get?
Now that I read the -actual- thing the Doc said, it appears he put a LOT of emphasis on other stuff, too, so honestly I don't know. I guess my point is pretty moot.
Moral of the post: Editing the meaning out of things is bad. Also, a note for myself, check the source material more carefully.
You do realize that being able to meet women was ONE of the things he listed as being an improvement in his life? You don't think being more confident and at ease with yourself is a good thing?
Whenever I feel like I've made a stride forward in my life (whether its holding a coherent conversation with basically anybody at this point or trying something new) I like to imagine the xbox achievement bleep bloop sound crowning my success. Also, as a person who very rarely talks to people outside my tiny circle, I find my coworkers are definitely more wary of my attempts to socialize so this was a relevant and informative article concerning my current efforts and the resistance said efforts are meeting head on! Thanks!
I don't think the doc was talking about getting random meaningless sex. He was talking about improving yourself so you can create meaningful relationships and experiences that can also include sex. Sex is a natural and a fundamental activity a human can have and wanting to experience that (As part of a relationship) is totally normal.
It's true that there are people out there who only want casual sex, but like I said I don't think that that was the docs intention in this article.
Yeah, there are a few articles on this site that are really only relevant for maintaining a longer-term relationship than casual one-night stands, while most of the stuff that can help to attract someone for casual sex also helps just as much if you're looking for a life partner and don't intend to get physical at all until tying the knot. It's about being better at attracting the opposite sex – what the reader does with that, as long as they show honesty, respect and consideration to their partners, is up to them.
Who else read this thinking about all the times you thought: "When I go back home they're gonna be jealous!" ?
Not me! Not at all… Uh, OK I'm lying…
I've got a question, though it's probably a little stupid. What happens if you're trying to make changes, but constantly FEEL like people are trying to either force the change in a way that doesn't make sense, or are trying to keep you from changing, even if they aren't doing anything different? Would that just be covered under "being mindful of what's happening?"