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There’s More To Bars Than Booze
Now to be sure: bars exist to provide us with sweet, sweet oblivion in bottles, casks, pints and on the rocks. Er… I mean alcohol. But while there are bars whose sole purpose is depleting the blood levels in your alcohol system and providing the lubricant with which to separate people from both their money and their underwear, drinking isn’t the only attraction bars offer.
Many bars also double as music venues, featuring local and touring bands; if you’re a fan of live music and are looking to bond with other music lovers, you may well want to spend some time with your local alt-weekly and seeing who is playing over the weekend. In fact, if you’re more of a performer than a listener, many bars have karaoke nights. Some, in fact, regularly host karoke with live bands backing you up. It’s one thing when it’s just you, the DJ and a rickety karaoke machine that’s more duct tape than music. It’s another entirely when you’re rocking out in front of a screaming audience with a band shredding behind you.
“MY LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING TO THIS MOMENT!”
Many bars, especially those that pattern style themselves after English or Irish pubs will host trivia nights. I’ve recommended pub quizes such as those hosted by Geeks Who Drink as excellent first dates, but they can also serve as ice breakers and openers to conversations with people as well. Whether you’re offering to team up with other singletons or comparing answers afterwards, pub quizzes give you plenty of opportunities to initiate conversation with new people.
Now, I hate to keep bragging on Austin1 but a number of our bars here are just plain awesome. The Kung-Fu Saloon and Recess are both arcades for adults, with classic video games to go with the beers and shots. The High Ball on the other hand is a cocktail lounge with karaoke rooms and a goddamn bowling alley as well as regular events such as swing nights, dance classes, Fantastic Arcade and Adult Prom. The booze is almost secondary.
Worth noting: just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean that you’re somehow excluded from going to bars. Nobody is going to throw you out for having a Diet Coke instead of a shot of Jack and a Lone Star chaser. If you’re feeling especially self-conscious, you can always Bruce Wayne it: get a tonic water with lime and let people assume you’re having G&Ts.
Avoid the Feeding Frenzy
The biggest stigma surrounding trying to meet people at bars comes from the meat market atmosphere – when bars are filled with would be players and letches who’ve been gearing up for the weekend and are headed out like hunters into the Serengeti, determined to bag themselves a one-night stand or die trying. As the night wears on, the bars are louder and rowdier and every woman in the place has endured the unending stream of jackasses with a little liquid courage in their veins trying to ply them with drinks and bad pick-up lines. Small wonder that bars take on the reputations they do.
It gets even worse at the end of the night when bars turn into what I like to call “The Wounded Gazelle Game”; the last of the bros determined to take someone, anyone home as last call roles around turn into hyenas, hoping to pick off a drunk woman or two who wandered away from her friends like a gazelle that wandered too far from the herd.
The best time to meet someone at a bar isn’t when the crowds start to filter in at 10, 11 PM on Friday night; it’s during Happy Hour, between 7 and 9 when people have just gotten off work and are starting to unwind. A woman at a bar in the early evening is more likely to be receptive to someone approaching her in a friendly, low-key way… especially if he signals early that he’s going to be making an exit sooner rather than later. Meeting someone earlier in the evening – before the hordes of jerks descend upon the bars like locusts unto Egypt – means that you’re meeting someone whose excitement for the evening is ramping up, rather than being worn down by the constant pick up attempts. You’ll be in a better position to have a fun conversation, show just how cool and charming you actually are… and then bow out after getting her number. Giving her an easy out – “I can only stay a little bit, I have to meet my friends” means that not only are you not going to be a social burden on her by overstaying your welcome, but you’re considerate of her comfort. You’re more likely to leave on a high-note… and she’ll be far more likely to actually pick up when you call than if she gave you her number as a means to get you to leave already.
Meeting someone cool earlier in the day also takes the pressure off of you for the rest of the evening; you won’t be spending the night cruising around like a shark looking for easy prey. Instead you can spend your evening on camaraderie and having fun with your friends.
Which is, after all, the best reason to go to a bar.
“I have no idea who any of you are or what’s in this drink. Cheers!”
- Oh that’s a fucking lie… [↩]
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The common nerdy distaste of bars and nightclubs always struck me as a geeky form of snobbery, a way of showing that nerds and geeks are better than jocks and hipsters. Its a way of presenting nerds and geeks are purer, better people. It also rings of a faint sexist form of chivalry and a rather condescending form at that.
Nerds and geeks might look more favorably on bars if we had more British type pubs, like the one in Coupling, than the loud American version.
As an Englishman I suppose I take pubs for granted, however you still have to choose wisely though, We did coin the term Binge Drinking after all.
In my town there's two places I drink relatively regularly but the rest tend to irritate me due to crowding and noise but if you want a keep a night going past last orders at 11 they are the only option (Especially if you live with your folks).
City dwellers get all the luck with places and the main problem is I can't join in because we don't have late night public transport in Cambridgeshire unless you want to drop 20 quid on a taxi.
Post's a bit long because finding more social things to do has been on my mind lately.
I should really make more use of the fact that I opened a Comic Shop right next to my local.
In the UK, you have pubs that are basically cafes with beer. Quiet, neighborhood places but they serve beer rather than coffee and tea. There is only one place I know in my neighborhood thats like that. Most American drinking places tend to be louder and rowdier. There might be historical reasons for this.
"The common nerdy distaste of bars and nightclubs always struck me as a geeky form of snobbery"
…which, even if it was true, is entirely outweighed by the amount of snobbery from the "you have to drink to be cool" crowd. Sometimes it's overt, a lot of times it's more subtle – they simply won't invite you to their parties or to hang out with them unless you're drinking.
"a way of showing that nerds and geeks are better than jocks and hipsters. Its a way of presenting nerds and geeks are purer, better people."
Unlike other signs of status – skinny jeans, friends with the right people, on the football team, have a nice car – etc etc, drinking actually has real world consequences beyond just social exclusion.
Every year a certain number of college students simply die from alcohol poisoning. But at least they only kill themselves from their own stupidity.
A quick search says that California is one of the best states for not being killed by a drunk driver – where alcohol-related traffic deaths dropped from 61% of all traffic deaths to "only" 40%. And that's in one of the "best" states for drunk driving.
And of the 5 women I knew who were raped in college, 4 of the 5 involved drinking. Somehow deliberately drinking a substance which is deliberately consumed to lower the inhibitions of both you and everyone around you leads to that somehow – who would have thought there would be a correlation? (rolls eyes)
Purer, better, *don't* need to drink to have a good time, socialize, and actually flirt with / sleep with someone that they want to.
And if you think that's "snobbery" – the girl I dated for 3 years in college was killed by a drunk driver on her way home from college, a guy who was so drunk that he didn't realize he was driving the wrong way on a highway with his headlights off, so you can kiss my ass.
I'm not saying it's not possible to drink responsibly, but I've never seen a group that drinks where every single member of the group actually consistently does so. I even gave in and started having a drink when socializing so that other people would feel more comfortable socializing with me – things just are the way they are.
"It also rings of a faint sexist form of chivalry and a rather condescending form at that."
Not seeing the corellation here between a distaste for bars and pubs, and "sexism". If you want to talk about chivalry, where is it that women most expect men to stand up for them and protect them? Bars and clubs.
"Nerds and geeks might look more favorably on bars if we had more British type pubs, like the one in Coupling, than the loud American version."
If there were more bars as described in the article, like "impromptu jam sessions" happen, and "bars that double as arcades for adults", there's no doubt they'd have a better reputation.
Most of the nerds I've known would *LOVE* a common social hangout like that. Most of the nerds I've known who detest bars do so from experience – I mean not a ton of experience, but they went out, and found that bars were either the "loud loud loud!" experience or just boring as all getout. They probably only tried a couple then gave up, but that was their experience.
Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself is a very self-indulgent activity. It feels good. I know this from personal experience but it doesn't really accomplish it. I'm no casanova. My dating life is still in the go out and fail part. I'm relatively good at getting first dates but haven't been able to secure a second date yet. I've been rejected kindly but consistently dozens of times since January. However, I do know that unless you actually get out there than you are going to miserably alone.
There are times when I seriously wonder if most people really want to be in a relationship or even if the want a roll in the hay. There are way too many people complaining about how hard it is to get in a relationship or find somebody. Men moaning about all these skills they have to develop. Do I have to learn how to dance? Do I have to learn how to make witty conversation? They just want their perfect woman to manifest in their apartment like a bad anime. Women are just as bad, they are entirely too cautious in their decision making when it comes to dates. Unlike men they do have good reason for this but they all seem to want Mr. Right rather than Mr. Good Enough. I'm tired of messaging women and having her check out my profile again and again without responding. Make up your mind, you can't get into a relationship without some risk taking. This entire process is emotionally and physically exhausting and I'm sick of indecisiveness from men and women when it comes to relationships.
Your…reply doesn't address my reply. I say something like "there's no shortage of snobbery, from the 'you must drink to be one of us' crowd, but at least any snobbery from the 'I'm not a drinker' crowd has some sort of merit from real world deaths, attacks, etc".
You replied with "Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself… unless you actually get out there than you are going to miserably alone."
The first part was kind of offensive but the second part is just – non nonsensical. It has nothing to do with what I wrote at all. I'm not sure you even read my comment – it just doesn't respond to what I wrote at all.
Okay, *I* don't think the problem is that you're feeling sorry for yourself, but you're way off the point.
Yes, there are horrible, obnoxious people who will badger you into drinking even if you REALLY don't care to, and nobody's denying that it's a rude and shitty way to act. Hell, I used to be roommates with a guy who's like that (he was also a functioning-alcoholic). If you don't like those kind of people, don't hang out with them.
But come the fuck off it with the litany of anti-booze statistics and anecdotes because not only are they totally derailing, they're beside the point. I can spend 10 minutes on 4chan or reddit and find at least ten anti-clubs/bars thread thriving with replies and nobody on there is talking about any of the legitimate negative effects binge drinking or public drunkenness have on society; they're going on about how disgustingly slutty they think all drunk women are, how scornful they are of hyper-masculine men going out to get laid, and its almost always peppered with PUA/MRA jargon about alphas and betas and THAT'S where the snobbery is. "Well I may be sitting at home on the computer on Friday night but I'm certainly FAR smarter, and therefore, a universally better person than those brutes and their sluts" goes the logic, which has so many unspoken assumptions that are at best problematic and at worst false, that enumerating them would be tedious.
You clearly have some strong personal convictions against alcohol. By all means, hold to them. They're just woefully beside the point and off-topic here.
I live in Australia, and it's impossible to avoid pubs or bars. The 'cool bars' talked about we call 'small bars', and they're awesome. I prefer my local rock and roll pubs though.
I don't drink and I don't live in Austin so finding a bar I'd actually like to go to is, well I was gonna say difficult but honestly I haven't actually tried yet.
Honestly, crowds zap my energy, the more energy the crowd has, the less energy I have, until I turn into a passive observer, the creepy silent guy that's just watching everyone. I still haven't really found a niche where I can have fun in public and just relax. But I'll look around and see if I can find a bar or club I like going to. Although dance lessons still sounds like the better idea.
I tried drinking once. Gave me a royal headache. No idea why people do it. I have a headache just remembering that headache. Ow.
If crowds zap your energy, you should be dealing with that before you try the "meeting girls" part anyway. Seriously. Chances are, a girl you're going to meet is going to want to go out sometimes, whether to a bar or a restaurant or just to a party one of her friends is throwing.
I understand the whole introvert/crowds drain you thing — I'm very social and like bars, but I also tend towards introversion in that I need some alone time after I hang out with friends a lot or take a trip with people. But there are PUH-LEN-TY of bars that aren't crowded, clubby messes. I don't like clubs. I like bars. I like dives. I'm not a dancer. I still like bars.
RE: drinking, it's a taste thing, some of it is an acquired taste, and if you get a headache from one drink you could be allergic to alcohol. Plenty of us have a drink or two and fully enjoy it. Judging people for liking to have a few drinks isn't going to get you anywhere, either.
I /am/ working on the crowd thing first. First step is to get in the crowd and socialize. With everyone, not just women. That's part of what zaps my energy. It also depends on the crowd and how comfortable I am with them or if they're strangers. And sometimes if I can go outside or somewhere where there are few or no people and just chill for a bit and 'recharge' then I can go back in and keep trying to socialize.
I'm not sure what's offered in my area. I'm inclined to believe the choices are slim, but I won't know until I look.
And I'm sorry if my comment came off as 'judgemental.' Just because I don't understand something doesn't mean it's bad. Just means I don't understand why people drink.
I think I might actually be allergic to it. I can instantly taste if something has alcohol in it, even the food or drinks that you're "not supposed to be able to taste." And I don't like the taste. And the one time I drank more than just a few sips, I got a royal headache, like I said.
It was three drinks over the course of three hours, though, and someone said I probably didn't drink enough, but I don't think I want to try again. I really don't think drinking is for me.
But if I can find a bar that the focus isn't on drinking then that could be fun. I know lots of places around here do karaoke and at least one place does trivia night, but the fancy stuff like arcades and stuff, the stuff I'd /really/ be interested in for more than "because it was suggested" sake, I don't think they have that kind of stuff around here.
I feel sad when my comments get rated down. I guess saying 'No idea why people do it' isn't saying that I have no understanding of the behavior of others like I thought it said, apparently it's being judgmental of others and saying that they shouldn't, or something like that. Now I know.
If you'd rather just spend your life staying at home, meeting a more extroverted, party type at a bar might not be good for you. If you're religious, maybe church is a better place to meet women? If not, I'd say go online and write a profile that is very, very clear that you are not a going-out type.
I don't want to spend life staying at home, though. I like to get out, I just gotta find more things that I actually like getting out to do, and places to go.
Also, practice makes perfect. The more I get out, the less 'zapped' I feel, especially among friends. So I just gotta keep making friends, basically. =P
"Judging people for liking to have a few drinks isn't going to get you anywhere, either."
Katia, James's original comment is right there, and I don't see him saying anything about judging people who drink. (Though personally I do judge people who regularly drink to excess – it's like a guy who doesn't know how to do his own laundry who's in college, only with emotions – they can't have a good time without drinking so much alcohol they completely lose control? like that's their level of emotional maturity? That doesn't apply to people who just have a few drinks to have a good time though).
James, I got *waaaaaaay* more comfortable with crowds, noise, tons and tons of people, etc, once I started social dancing. It was taking the group classes where you rotate through a bunch of partners – probably 50 a class – that did it for me. Well, that plus after a few classes I knew enough to feel confident while doing the basics.
I used to hang out with some of the best friends I'll ever have at a couple of Irish pubs up in the Twin Cities. Last I heard one of them has changed locations and caters a bit more to the college crowd now, but the point is the ones I'm thinking of are exactly the kind you're talking about – great for live music, trivia nights, amazing food, and truly great and wonderful people. While I have been to bars that were completely NOT where I'd go to meet someone, there ARE also plenty of other bars and pubs that are more than the stereotype.
Oh also, my favorite Irish pubs? Most nights that had live music the crowd was up to 50% people I knew or friends-of-friends…..and between us we had men and women into everything from gaming to Star Trek to comics to Renn Fests. So I guess I'm also saying that yep you can in fact even find geek matches in bars. Quite a few of my friends didn't drink either, so that certainly wasn't a big deal. And it usually wasn't uncomfortably crowded unless it was a holiday like New Years.
Come to think of it, I'm not with him anymore, but I met a guy who would go on to be one of my best relationships at that pub – and he's the one who first got me reading Neil Gaiman.
My girls and I knew him vaguely as a regular there and on a crowded night he offered us his table when his friends coudn't make it.
This post just made me miss my old hangout/bar that closed this past summer
It’s a place I’d been going to since I was a kid (it was a restaurant in the daytime like almost all Virginian bars due to liquor licensing laws) and I knew almost everyone there. I’ve since moved and the only places around are chains, sports bars, or both. There is one upscale place that caters to professionals in LaCoste and other people who wear higher end brands but I rather a bar that I can go in a tee shirt and jeans, sit at the bar alone or with friends, and just talk to the friendly strangers.
I think I lost my thread of thought. I know I had a point in typing this all out.
Damn, Austin sounds awesome
I hate to be that guy, but …
"When the police shut down nearly half a dozen in the entertainment district for money laundering, drugs and weapon sales, I could have cared less."
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! It's couldn't! I couldn't have cared less!
HAHA nice! Funny and informative video!
That's David Mitchell for you.
I can also say I've worn a florescent tie-dye shirt to a bar and glowed under the black lights again I felt I made a wise fashion choice. Also I am forced to admit I don't know how to dance, I plan on remedying this in the coming year but even once I do I would be so uncomfortable with grinding with anyone. To me that is an intimate type of thing something you do with your boy/girl friend not some fat guy (me) who just happens to be on the dance floor. And finally in order to meet a woman at a bar I can't help but feel that there would have to be women at the bar to meet. My cousin, his brother and wife took me out bar hoping one weekend and every where we went the women only came in one of three flavors: A) preoccupied waitress, B) over 35 (nothing against women over 35 it's just to far from my own age for my comfort), and C) clearly on a date with someone else.
All that I ended up doing those nights was looking at pictures of my cousin's new baby on his wife's phone, and watching my other drunk cousin bother the wait staff not hit on, not flirt with, not hold a friendly conversation, bother you could have seen the sigh of relief once he left to go back to his drink.
So if I'm not drinking, not dancing, not having a good time, not conversing with other people, not able to see a woman in the bar to meet, and looking at the exit like a puppy in a pet shop begging to be bought and taken home WHY should I go to a bar in the first place?
And that's why we want to know where to meet women that is not a bar or night club, and now to close with a quote from Bob Seger
"Don't try to take me to a Disco
You'll never even get me out on the floor
In 10 minutes I'll be late for the door
I like that old time rock and roll "
ps sorry I had to break this apart but I feel I had to say all of this and the comment boxes are limited to 225 or so words.
Did you even read the article? The entire point of it was that clubs =/= all bars and that there's an incredible diversity to bars, dives, pubs etc. that cater to bunches of different scenes, demographics and tastes. Now I'll grant this caveat: a lot of bar-diversity is concentrated in major metropolitan areas and the Doc does speak to that but come on dude, you sound like the kind of guy who *wants* to hate clubs/bars just as much, if not more, than you actually hate them, and that kind of immaturity can't be helping you.
I do not want to hate them, I want to talk and get to know people, which I find impossible to do in a bar, granted I did write that first paragraph in a heated angry state of mind. But you are not seeing my point, as a non-drinker who can't speak loudly enough to be heard in a bar and enjoys day light activities, bars just don't offer the kind of interaction or activities a person like me can enjoy. Now I didn't mean to hate on Dr. NerdLove or anybody who likes the night life, what I did mean to do is speak from my perspective and give my answer to the opening question of why so many people ask "where are places that I can go to meet women that aren’t bars or clubs?”
And seeing as how this is a blog about helping nerds romantically and socially improve themselves I felt I could raise my point and that there was a reasonable amount of other people who like me don't want to go to bars but prefer other places to spend our time or were just wanting to widen their search areas. Now maybe you're right maybe I just have had a series of bad experiences or I live in a city with a singularly monotone night life (I have tried to go to a few different places but it really did feel like if you've seen one night club you've seen them all in my city) I'd really not mind that being the case, but the flip side is maybe Dr. NerdLove lives in a city with a singularly fantastic nightlife, which is the question I'd like to ask now. Are you guys able to find a bar or night club that you are able to enjoy yourself at, or is searching for such a place hard where you live?
Two points:First, nobody said you had to drink just because you were in a bar. Get yourself a Coke or a Tonic and Lime and tell everybody it's rum and coke or a vodka tonic if you have to.Second, being able to speak loudly enough is an easily learned skill. It's all about learning how to project from your diaphragm rather than from your throat. There're a host of websites with exercises that will help teach you how to project if you feel like looking them up.This also helps you sing karaoke, BTW.
Ugh, also, really, what city is it? No one will be able to tell who you are. I guarantee someone here will call BS on EVERY BAR IS THE SAME unless you live in BFE, and honestly, if you do? Maybe it''s time to move!
Well if you really want to know I live in Saskatoon Saskatchewan.
According to the Googles, Saskatoon has 260,000 people in it. That's quite large enough to have a diverse selection of bars. To be honest, you're probably not looking hard enough. Do some searching on Yelp or a site like that for non-common bars.
Mormons manage to get married and make babies without going out to places that serve alcohol. It's not impossible, but it just means making some compromises on what you want.
Alright I am admitting defeat, and after another nights sleep I realize I did fly off the handle there so I would like to apologize now.
I more or less gave up on bars when I realized that I only went to them to meet women. If I want to drink and hangout with my friends it’s a lot more enjoyable (and considerably cheaper) to do so at one of our apartments. Unfortunately you don’t meet a lot of women that way (it doesn’t help that considering I’m only slightly over the drinking age a lot of my friends aren’t old enough for bars).
What about happy hour events?
I lived in the DC area and it's pretty common for professional groups, community groups and some non-profits to sponsor happy hour events at bars. I found the crowds to be pretty mixed in terms of gender and personalities, and never got a sense of things being a meet market. I found them to be a great way to network, make new friends, and get dates. Of course, I don't know how this applies to other cities though. :/ The main reason why I don't go to them anymore is because I don't work in Dc anymore so by the time I can get to the events they're almost over with.
After getting some sleep and gaining some more perspective I realize that I went pretty crazy with that wall of text. In response I have removed my original post and would just like to apologize to all of you, I never wanted to troll but this article just hit me in the right place at the right time. I'd also like to thank everybody for the constructive criticism.
"you can always Bruce Wayne it, get a tonic water with lime and let people assume you’re having G&Ts."
i'm happy to drink but holy crap that is a cool idea
Dean Martin, too. His public persona was a total booze hound, but really he only drank communion. A lot of people don't know that, but I find it fascinating.
Now, I'm not 21, so finding bars doesn't concern me too much yet, but how do I find these fun bars? I plan on transferring to college in Philadelphia in about a year, so I know they probably exist there, but how do I find the fun bars when there are bars everywhere?
Lots of different ways. The best is to use the Internet. Google, Citysearch, Yelp and other sites will help you find the popular places in town. You can also check your local alt-weekly; most bars will advertise in it. Look for places advertising specials and events that you would find interesting or fun rather than who has the hottest bartenders, wet t-shirt contests or dollar any-shot-in-the-house nights.
If you're going to college then ask your fellow students, but be careful-sometimes college students go to awful bro-tastic bars. Make sure you're asking people who would seek the same atmosphere you would.
If anyone's in the NYC area there's a fantastic bar in Brooklyn called The Way Station that has several Doctor Who references (the bathroom is in a Tardis and it's bigger on the inside!) and they also have live music. When I went I had a drink named after River Song, enjoyed the mural of the 4th doctor, and saw a band with an upright bass. It was a good night and clearly a great club for any geek.
Well, in Belgium (Eurpope) we've got something that isn't really a bar, but more a mix up of a cyber cafe where you can play most PC games, they've got tables so everybody who's into Magic /Yu-gi-oh/… cards or roleplayong can come and play, and they offer board games for free too.
There's a shop too, where you can buy cards, dices or board games. But just like in a regular bar, they expect you to consume drinks if you don't buy anything else.
It's in fact a meeting point for a lot of geeks, and I often go there before or instead of going to a bar. You get to know a lot of people there easily too, because most people are into the same things.
Does something similar exists in other countries?
If one of you ever come to Belgium, try to check it out, it's called the OutPost.
I'm a woman, so perhaps it is different but perhaps it's the same, so going to a bar alone, whether early or later in the evening, makes me feel weird or pathetic and I don't know what to do with myself sitting at a bar alone. Thoughts?
I have a friend that will text me when siting alone at bars just to be doing something, but I find it annoying (inconvenient, rude, obnoxious) and I doubt it makes her look open to meeting anyone which is always her intent. (Though it could be the reek of desperation that is the turn off.) Honestly, just chilling at a bar alone can be fun. You can people watch, grab a relaxing tasty beverage, and open yourself up to meeting all sorts of new people. You can play on your phone or read a book or something, but it makes you look guarded and uninterested in company to just about anyone that isn't a total creep. Plus being comfortable being on your own can be a total turn on. It can make you look confident and self-satisfied. But if you absolutely need a distraction from your aloneness, my best advice is find a bar with a TV and hope that something you're interested in (this will be easiest to find at sports bars, so hope you like them) is on if you can't find someone(s) to go with you. Even if you don't meet someone for dating/sex, you'd be surprised at how many people you meet sitting at a bar by yourself. I've heard some crazy stories from random other people either working or also chilling at the bar. I also have some great stories from the awful pickup lines guys have tried. You might even make a new friend or two to go out to bars with.
that is certainly the worse place to meet a good woman, especially one that doesn't play games.