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A few years ago, some friends of mine were having a party, which seemed like the perfect time to introduce them to the woman I’d been dating to the group.
Now I won’t say I wasn’t at least a little nervous, but I really had no reason to be. She fit right in to the group dynamic like she had been part of it from the beginning, which is – to be perfectly honest – what I had expected; she knew how to network and connect the way other people know how to breathe.
Later on as the party was in full swing, a number of my friends came over to talk to me about her. “Hey man, we really like your girlfriend,” they said. “You’re really lucky, meeting her.”
Thing is though? Luck had absolutely nothing to do with it.
In fact, if you’ve ever lamented that you’re unlucky in love.. well, that’s usually a sign that you’re doing it wrong.
No Fate But What We Make
We have this very odd relationship with destiny and chaos in western culture. On the one hand, we like to imagine that we’re the captains of our destiny; the future is unwritten and random chance can bring changes that we couldn’t possibly forsee.
At the same time, however, we also like to believe that events have meaning and that there’s a purpose to things that we may just barely be able to perceive. Our brains are designed to look for patterns even in the most chaotic data, to find relationships of cause and effect, even when it may not be there. There is a certain comfort to believe that there is a reason to the events that fill our lives; that we’re not just at the mercy of swirling chaos and random chance but instead live in a deterministic universe. Even the study of chaos theory is – in many ways – an attempt to discern a plan or path to seemingly random, disparate events.
This is part of why superstitions persist; we fall victim to a causal fallacy that unconnected events are somehow related and come to believe that event B is directly correlated to preceding event A. Even people who consider themselves to be perfectly rational will find themselves falling towards quasi-magical thinking; taking part in certain actions even if they don’t necessarily believe that it will change the outcome.
For example: attributing our failures or successes to luck.
We are as a culture, obsessed with luck, anthropomorphizing it into deities or semi-sentient concepts and invest inanimate objects with the ability to manipulate it.
Just ask the rabbit just how lucky HE was…
We apply value to it (good luck, bad luck) in a way that we don’t when we discuss probability or randomness. Luck is, for all intents and purposes, taking the results of probability as a personal affront.
We never see this quite so often as we do when it comes to relationships. Pop culture is rife with stories of chance meetings leading to meeting one’s soul-mate and how one-in-a-million chances lead up to this meeting of two perfectly matched souls. By attributing meeting someone we love to “luck” we give our relationships significance; we feel as though meeting somebody by random chance is somehow more meaningful than, say, meeting someone via an online dating site, because we have somehow “beat” the odds against us finding that One True Love.
Incidentally, I think this is why some people have such a strong reaction to certain types PUA tactics or the idea that attraction and sexual chemistry can be created deliberately rather than developing spontaneously; if we can “make” someone feel attracted to us, doesn’t that not only mean that it’s less genuine but also less meaningful than if we just happen to find someone with whom we are compatible?
To be perfectly honest… no. Not really. The problem with this attitude doesn’t come from a belief in luck so much as what relying on it says.
Luck Be a Lady Tonight.
The idea that luck – that we somehow beat the odds – has influence in our relationships betrays a scarcity mentality. By believing that we have met The One through random chance – and thus, are incredibly lucky – we are implying that there is somehow a deficit of available romantic partners. In fact, when we talk about our One True Love, then we’re implying that there is literally only one person out of 7 billion with whom we could possibly expect a wonderful, loving and fulfilling relationship. Every relationship you have is balanced on the idea of “if this isn’t The One, than we are ultimately doomed.” You have better odds of winning all the lotteries than you do of finding The One.
The fact of the matter is that there is no One. Or, rather, there are many Ones. And your odds of finding her or him aren’t fixed.
The problem is that when you see romance as being a matter of luck, you’re treating your love life as though you were playing the lottery… which means you’re playing the wrong game entirely.
You should be playing blackjack instead.1
“I LOVE METAPHORS!”
While most forms of gambling involve the attempting beating long odds through random chance, blackjack is one of the few games where you can directly influence your potential for success. When you’re playing blackjack, the odds of your winning are against you; you may have short term successes, probability is stacked against your long-term success. However, through careful strategy and advantage play, you can turn the odds over the long term in your favor – allowing you to take advantage when the opportunity presents itself for a greater pay-off.
You can, in effect, make your own luck.
Just like you can in your dating life.
Luck Is The Residue of Design
Ultimately, luck – whether good or bad – is based on how someone is able to respond to a circumstance. What we see as good luck is the ability to turn circumstance to an advantage – that is, to respond to happenstance in a way that provides us with some sort of benefit. Similarly, bad luck is the inability to respond in a way that benefits us, or worse, to mitigate a disadvantage.
What may appear as good luck is often the result of preparation and skill; preparation that maximizes the chance of a fluke that you then have the opportunity to exploit and the skill to make the most out of it. Being able to connect with other people at an emotional level – being able to make friends and network effectively, in other words – puts you in a better position to make a valuable contact when you happen to randomly sit next to a famous movie producer at a film festival. A skilled baseball player is better prepared to take advantage of an unusual bounce and prevent the opposing team from scoring a run. A person who is more willing to take chances, push their own limits and open themselves up to risk is more likely to encounter opportunities, than somebody who consistently plays it safe.
Other times luck is a matter of perspective; a person who has been fired from what she thought was the job of her dreams may not realize that it had she not been unemployed at a particular moment in time, she wouldn’t have been motivated to start her own successful business.
Now that’s not to say that preparation and skill will always trump chaos. There is always an element of randomness and unpredictability involved with luck. Often, we only can recognize luck in hindsight – such as the fired employee from the example above. Other times, there are factors that provide an advantage that we simply cannot prepare for – people who are born earlier in the year, for example, often do better in sports; they enter the school year later than their other classmates, and often have physical advantages from effectively being a year older than their peers.
But just as in blackjack, careful planning and though is more likely to put you into position where luck can occur.
- Yes, I realize that it’s an imperfect metaphor as it implies that romance is a designed to cause the player to lose over the long-term and that you are somehow competing against the Universe. Now quit trying to out-clever me and pay attention, you might actually learn something. [↩]
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I'm a shut in and I don't get out much. I'd like to meet a girl with similar interests, except that my interests tend to be staying in and playing video games, and occasionally going out to see a movie or eat out. I also read books, and that gets me to the library, but I tend to read them at home.
I'm hesitant to go to bars because I don't drink, and again it's the "what kind of woman are you going to find at a bar" thing as well. I like to dance although I haven't done it in forever, so maybe I could try clubs or wherever people dance? I don't even know where people dance. I'm not sure how to find these places. I have a few other interests (like camping) that aren't my main interests, but most of those I tend not to do because I'm close to broke. I'd really like to go white water rafting, for instance. Can't afford it.
The approaching I'm getting better at. At BDSM parties and events that I go to, I approach women there and practice makes perfect. But other than those parties, I don't really get an opportunity to approach women at all. Where should I be hanging out at to meet a woman I'd be interested in? Where can I go to practice approaching and learn some skills?
I'd recommend dance schools or cooking lessons or really any sort of hobby learning thats done in a group. Dance schools have a lot of women in them and tend function as hang outs as well as dance schools. Same with recreational cooking courses but those tend to be less social than dance.
What's a good way of finding those places, though? Just look up 'dance lessons' in the phone book? Or google local dance lessons? It's another thing I'm not sure I could afford. =(
Yes. Use Google, use Yelp, use Facebook! You're a nerd, goddamn act like it!I can also guarantee you that there are local groups on FB that advertise goings-on in your town. Track 'em down and find out what's going on near you.
What’s nice for you, @Thortok2000, about dancing is that men are usually scarce. I danced ballroom, latin and tango for four years and there was almost always a shortage of guys. A male friend of mine who used to get hassled by his rugby buddies about dancing would retort “yeah, but where else can you go where you get to hold a woman in your arms all night?”.
Somehow I managed to meet my own lovely geek through tango, and now (at least while we both finish our studies) we don’t dance much (sigh).
Back when I was starting dancing, I just googled dance classes and picked the studio that was closest to my workplace. Easy!
fully recommend going to a dance lessons group of any kind. Personally, I just recently started taking salsa lessons at my local community center for a month now and I am LOVING it. I am roughly been going to it for a month now and I am having so much fun that I started going twice a week instead of once.
My point is – these places are great for practicing anything that has to do with communication and confidence with girls (at least with salsa dancing):
1.You learn how to approach women – because you have to do approach them and ask them to dance with you. Some of them won't accept the offer to dance, which is a great way to learn how to handle rejections.
2.You learn how to communicate with girls, both on a physical and verbal level. The dance itself requires you to read and send non-verbal communication signals; as well you pretty much need to have some small talk with the girl you're dancing with.
3.It's fun (at least to me). That's how I look at it too – if I find a date there, that's just like icing on a delicious cake!
Hell, I just came back from a lesson with a new phone number in my phone. I told the girl dancing with me that she should come to tomorrow's lesson and she agreed and we exchanged numbers.
Even if this doesn't work out in the end, I'm not worried at all – new people are joining these classes on a weekly basis, which pretty much ensures that eventually some new girl will catch my eye
Absolutely well said! And everyone's more attractive when they're having fun!
i used google to find my dance studio and the cooking course I took.
Just googling and going to the most practical school is certainly a possibility. I'd recommend doing a bit more research first. There are a lot of different dance scenes, and it's best to find one that fits you.
Music is important – when you develop a dancer's ear, you might find that music you thought was ok is really fantastic and you can't stop listening to it. On the other hand, if you're dancing to music you really dislike, you might find that you don't have a lot of fun. The type of movement and dancing interaction is another thing. Do you want a dance that's very standardized, where there are lots of predefined steps and where how you look when you move is central? Do you want something with lots of creativity and where fun in movement is important? Dances where partners are very close together may sound like a great idea, but you might be uncomfortable having a stranger so close, or worry that your partner is, and be better off starting with something that can be done in more open positions. Finally, the people and the general athmosphere are important. Some scenes have more of a party meat market feel, others are gatherings of body mechanics nerds. You may click more with the people in some scenes and feel like you are with 'your people', which will increase the fun you have a lot.
It's a good idea to try things out, don't feel commited to continuing or that dancing is not for you if one dance doesn't work out. I found that Salsa dancing was fun and something i might want to continue in the unspecified future, but not really my thing; various swing dances, on the other hand, are really fun for me, have great music and people I enjoy. When looking for lessons, I'd recommend those where you switch partners throughout the lesson rather than staying with one partner the whole time. You'll learn better (especially if it's a dance with actual leading and following) and meet more people.
Go on youtube and look at some videos for stuff that you're interested in. If you like modern pop music you might like West Coast Swing (http://youtu.be/YgAmaifXtWA). If you like the 30s-50s style from big bands to jump blues and early rock'n'roll, Lindy Hop is my favourite dance: it's incredibly fun due to a lot of momentum and very playful and creative (http://youtu.be/-jf_AIasUuc). If you're into bluesy music, Blues is a great dance with a very intimate feeling (http://youtu.be/6PGlbbyGPe0). For different types of Latin music there are all sorts of dances, and new ones are being popularized all the time. Salsa and Tango (Argentino) are usually the biggest scenes (at least they are where I live). I can't tell you a lot about ballroom; it's probably great for those who do it but it doesn't look like something I would have a lot of fun doing.
Regarding the cost, dancing is not the cheapest hobby, but you should be able to make it on a budget. Some dance events have cheap lessons at the beginning. Many scenes have a shortage of leaders and classes will often allow you to be a guest lead in lower levels for free, giving you more for your money. And when you have made some dance friends they will be happy to show you new stuff.
Try it out. It's not for everyone, but I think a lot of people would really enjoy it. It can be very difficult at the beginning, especially as a leader, but it's worth it.
Thortok2000,
Your first statement above is, "I'm a shut in and don't get out much," but then you go on to list all these different places you go and stuff you like to do that are decidedly not shut-in-type behavior. Dancing, camping, rafting, BDSM PARTIES?!?! Definitely NOT what I think of when I think of a shut-in!
I think you're doing yourself a disservice and labeling yourself a "shut in" when you're really not. Maybe you're more of a homebody who likes to go out less frequently than others do, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm just concerned that you might be psyching yourself out and limiting yourself with your own perceptions.
A lot of people like to describe themselves as shut in when they really aren't. A lot of stereotypical geeky activities like Table top RPG, LARP, conventions, cosplays or even monthly fan meetups require getting out and interacting with other people.
I wish I could find more of those too. All the D&D groups I find tend to break up pretty quickly. =/ And the closest LARPs I know of are either expensive or a few hours drive away. I'd like to go to Dragon Con, but can't afford it. -.-
I try to get out as much as I can, but like this week for instance I have no school until the 13th, and have pretty much an entire week's worth of free time, but very little money. I might go see a movie, but other than that, I have no idea what to do with all this free time except stay at home and lead some raids in WoW. =/
Have you heard of NerdNite? There are NerdNites all over the country, and they usually don't charge for their meetings (mostly monthly lectures on geeky topics). Sometimes they do speed-dating and other such events, but I'm not sure if those are free, or if they would be of interest to you. But, if there's a NerdNite in your area, you could at least socialize (for free) with people who share your interests. Look on Facebook and see if you can find one!
Honestly I have no idea how to use Facebook. Guess I should try to figure it out. -.-
Dancing, camping, rafting… These are all things that I don't know how to find places to go do them or can't afford them. They're things I would like to do, but don't actually do. My day-to-day life really is staying in and playing video games or other internet usage.
I could probably afford to go dancing, I'm just not sure how to find a place to go dancing at. Camping and rafting are probably out of my price range right now.
Camping can be done really cheap, especially if there's a state or national park nearby. You can get a tent (if you don't already have one) fairly cheap, and you don't need to spend much to get some good campfire food, either!
I don't know about your area, but you might want to check out meetup.com for dance groups. I joined a few and I'm getting better at approaching women just from asking people to dance and engaging in dance floor banter.
I'll check 'em out again, but meetup.com wasn't very active in my area last time I checked. Good idea, though, thanks.
Another really great post. Thanks, Doctor.
Do you think you could do a post on figuring out what kind of person to look for? That's where I'm stuck.
The focus on destiny/luck is another example of fiction hurting people. Fiction tends to depict romantic love as something that happends spontaneously at first encounter rather than something that grows overtime or is deliberately cultivated. Spontaneously love is more appealing to people than developing/deliberately cultivated love so people focus a lot on destiny/luck. Destiny/luck also has the benefit of allowing people not examine themselves vigorously and deflect blame from themselves. Love is work and needs to be approached with the same dedication that one approaches any skill.
(I'm a horrible person.)
Brilliant staffs dude!
I have no doubt bcoz your ideas makes me laugh after long since. 
Anyway I get my ex back to know that tricks you pose here is being so informative. Thanks! 
Actually I'm the one doing the tying, but I use that joke myself a lot. =D
I always love the pictures and captions you choose. The picture accompanying the (very apropos) black jack metaphor made me chortle.
*Ba dum TSSH*
'No fate but what we make' – Brilliant reference!