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So let’s say that things have been looking up for you. You’ve been giving your life the make-over it needs. You’ve got some new clothes, a new attitude and a new outlook on life. Hell, you’ve even got a few phone numbers that you’re ready to turn into dates. You already know that dinner and a movie is out and the coffeehouse date is a non-starter – it’s a pre-date interview, not an actual date – and you want a first date that’s going to be memorable. Something that’s going to absolutely knock her socks off, something that’s going to set you apart from every other guy she’s ever been out with.
And ideally, a date that’s not going to cost you an arm and a leg.
Fortunately you have me to help you out.
But first, let’s take a refresher on just what you want from a first date.
An Ideal First Date…
Like I said last time: you don’t want to spend your time with your date asking the same interview questions that everybody else has asked a thousand times before. Similarly, you don’t want to waste at least half of your time unable to say anything and instead sitting in the dark anxiously waiting for some sign that maybe she’d be ok with your holding her hand while she’s wondering whether you’re going to make a move or just try to be sneaky about it.
“Just out of curiosity, have you ever seen the movie ‘Diner’?”
At the same time, you don’t want to have the pressure of “THIS IS A DATE” hovering over your heads making you both anxious – wondering how it’s going, who’s supposed to pay1, is there going to be a kiss goodnight or if you should just go for the hug instead.
An amazing first date is all about the fun you’re having, not the fact that you’re on a date. By taking her off the beaten path, you’re flipping the script and treating her to a new experience. As a result, you’ll both be able to relax and be in the moment… and she’ll see you as someone who’s refreshingly different from all of the other guys she’s gone out with. Action dates – ones with physical activity like dancing or bowling – get your endorphins flowing and provide ample opportunities for socially acceptable physical contact. Educational dates such as cooking classes, wine tastings, or art tours provide new shared experiences as well as give you instant class. Competitive dates – dates where the two of you are in friendly competition such as mini-golf or an arcade – provide nostalgic thrills along side the rush of excitement that translates nicely to physical arousal, as well as an opportunity for friendly trash-talking.
So let’s look at some more first date ideas and why they work.
Comedy Club / Improv Show
After the ugly crash in the ’90s, the stand up comedy scene is experiencing a renaissance. There are more amazing up-and-coming comedians making their way through the ranks than there have been in a very long time and the current masters are on tour as well – you can see incredible comedians such as Doug Benson, Chris Hardwick or Maria Bamford for surprisingly cheap at your local comedy club as well as catch the locals on their way up. If stand-up isn’t your scene, improv comedy has also been growing in popularity, especially in college towns.
Why In The World Would I Want To Do This?
Women love somebody who can make them laugh. You may not be the funniest guy in the world, but that doesn’t mean you can’t borrow somebody else’s talent for a couple hours. It doesn’t matter whether it’s you making her laugh or Jim Gaffigan; you’re the one who made it happen, which means you’re the one who’s going to reap the rewards. In addition, you have the added benefit of being able to catch headlining talent before they leave the clubs and start headlining theaters – think of how much you and your date will love being able to point to the latest HBO comedy special and being able to say “We saw him when…”
Improv, on the other hand, adds a level of interactivity and unpredictability to proceedings. Feeling like the two of you are part of the show can help foster those shared moments that nobody else will ever come close to repeating.
Just a word of advice: do your research in advance. Some comedians’ material may not mesh with your date’s sense of humor and others… well, let’s just say I had one date that ended up with me and my date as the focus of Lisa Lampanelli’s set that night.
Hiking
Who ever said that dates had to be night time affairs? Spend some time out away from the congestion and insanity of the city and spend some time enjoying the fresh air and sunshine!
…or as I like to call it, “the concentrated hate of the Cursed DayStar…”
Online resources exist to help you find hiking trails and opportunities even in urban centers, providing you with beautiful scenic trails for just about every level of fitness and experience. Bike trails, even off-road Segway tours (don’t laugh, they exist!) all provide opportunities to shut out the world and get back in touch with the beauty and serenity of nature.
Why In The World Would I Want to Do This?
There’s nothing quite like getting away from the noise of the city and to the peaceful tranquility of nature, even for a dedicated city boy like me. Hiking provides you with beautiful scenery and ample opportunity to talk and get to know one another. Getting out of the city and into nature, whether you’re walking through the forest, up rolling green hills, or through a scenic sandstone canyon is an instant adventure for just the two of you and the physical exertion spurs your body to produce the same endorphins that give people the “runner’s high”. You have an opportunity to show some leadership - a quality women find attractive – as you guide her along the trail. You can even bring along a bottle of wine and have a romantic moment watching the sun set from a beautiful hilltop vista or alongside a picturesque lake.
Rock Climbing
Walking not quite your speed? Do you need something with a little more physical activity, even a hint or two of danger? Rock climbing is your answer! The great thing about rock climbing is that even if you don’t live in an area known for outdoor activities, most cities will have a rock climbing gym. Even amusement parks and arcades are getting in on the act; you can find artificial rock walls almost anywhere these days with just a little searching on your part.
Best of all, if neither of you have ever climbed before, most rock gyms offer private lessons and equipment rentals and routes marked off for different experience levels from never-evers to people who seem to be at least part mountain goat.
Why In The World Would I Want To Do This?
This is another excellent example of the Action Date. You have the thrill of adventure and the hint of danger to get your heart pumping and your adrenaline surging even as you’re safely on belay to keep you from falling. You not only get to cheer each other on as you both compete to complete increasingly difficult climbing routes or see who can make it farther or higher; meanwhile, your partner is on the belay line, helping to build trust between the two of you by making you directly responsible for each other’s safety.
Even better, if one of you has rock climbing experience and the other one doesn’t, you have the opportunity to introduce them to a new thrilling experience as well as guide them through tougher and more challenging climbs. Just don’t overdo it; rock climbing can be physically demanding and longer than an hour is going to be pushing the limits for most newbies.
The Zoo
Want to enjoy the wonder and beauty of nature without necessarily having to struggle over boulders and checking each other for ticks afterwards? Want to melt your date’s heart with painfully adorable baby animals? You want to go to the zoo. Not only do zoos offer exotic and fascinating animals, but many of them have classes and behind-the-scenes tours, even occasional hands-on events with the animals themselves. In fact, many zoos have actually started offering date night events, with an opportunity to explore the grounds after hours following a catered romantic dinner.
Why In The World Would I Want To Do This?
Zoo dates are relaxed, easy going affairs. You never have to worry about running out of things to talk about; if the conversation starts to die down, the animals are there to provide new things to talk about. Their spontaneity and unpredictability mean that even if you’ve been to the zoo before, you’re all but guaranteed a unique experience, and many zoos have seasonal or travelling exhibitions that help keep things fresh and interesting. Some zoos offer opportunities to actually interact with the animals; the San Antonio Zoo, for example, sells little tubs of nectar so you can feed the Lorikeets. There’s nothing quite like the experience of being mobbed by colorful birds who are determined to get at that that sweet, sweet liquid crack in your hands – make sure you bring a camera (or a good cameraphone) to get pictures.
Zoos also offer plenty of chances for romance; it’s only natural to start walking hand in hand, or to put your arms around your date as the two of you stop to watch the sea lions and otters frolic in their tanks.
And did I mention the baaaaaaby animals? Many zoos have nursuries where you can meet the zoo-borns – perfect to set your date to some adorable squeees of delight.
If this doesn’t make you stop and say “awwwww”, check your pulse. You may be dead.
Theme Parks
If you have an amusement park within easy driving distance, you have an absolutely amazing first date just waiting to happen. Theme parks appeal to just about everyone, and with some advance preparation, are reasonably priced. Most parks offer discounts to locals, especially in the off-season, and sites like RetailMeNot help you find coupons and special deals. Even better, most theme parks have evening hours and seasonal events – perfect for dates when you want to beat the heat.
Why In The World Would I Want To Do This?
A theme park means fun with a hearty splash of happy childhood thrown in as well. The sheer number of activities, from flume rides to roller coasters to Midway games means that you don’t have an opportunity to get bored. Long lines offer plenty of opportunities to talk and banter, and crowd-watching means that you won’t have any danger of running out of things to talk about.
More importantly, however, are the rides.
Thrill rides like roller-coasters give you all the physical effects of fear without the actual danger and some unexpected benefits. A racing heartbeat, bursts of adrenaline and rapid breathing are not only physical symptoms of fear, but also sexual arousal. Our brains are ruled by our bodies; when we feel certain emotions, our brains process the physical symptoms first and back-fill in the reason for it later. Known as the misattribution of arousal, when the brain realizes that the physical sensations occuring aren’t because it’s in immediate danger, it defaults to the second obvious choice: you’re not afraid, you’re turned on. Your date’s brain attributes your fear from the coaster to your presence instead… meaning that she’s associating the feeling of being attracted and aroused with being around you.
“I DON’T KNOW IF I’M TERRIFIED OR ABOUT TO GET LUCKYYYYYY!”
Best of all, many theme parks have fireworks displays during the summer evenings. There’s nothing quite so romantic as sharing your first kiss to a backdrop of roman candles and sky flowers… right before you decide to go and see if you can generate some fireworks of your own.
- whoever asked the other out, by the way [↩]
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Non of these are an option to me.
These are great ideas. Just make sure you give your date a heads up if you're going the hiking, rock climbing, or theme park route so that she can wear appropriate clothing and, especially, footwear.
One of the most memorable date I ever had was hiking by a lake in the Peak District. It rained so much, we had to cower under a pine tree during a downpour, which gave us time to have a lazy picnic overlooking the stormy lake. We finished the day by drying off in a local pub drinking hot chocolate, both of us with smiles from ear to ear. Absolutely awesome date.
Rock climbing sounds like a great idea. Will have to look up my nearest climbing wall.
One caveat about the hiking first date: I could see that working if it's a woman who's already known you for a while (but this is the first time it's gotten romantic), but I suspect a lot of women would be hesitant to leave civilization and go walking around somewhere where there may be hardly any other people nearby, with a guy they've only talked to once or twice before. It leaves them very few escape options if the date goes sour quickly or, worse, if the guy turns out to be dangerous. I think with a woman you've just chatted up briefly at a social gettogether, where this is the first time you've really spent time together, something like a picnic and strolling around in a park within your city or town would go over better than a full-out wilderness hike. Unless during your brief talk you discussed hiking and she was enthusiastic!
I can see your point, but around Seattle at least some of the trails are so popular that the challenge is to find one lightly trafficked enough that you actually feel like you're hiking. The last time I hiked Little Si I felt like I was on a conveyor belt.
Point being, if hiking is a popular activity in your region, picking a popular trail with lots of people around might alleviate this concern somewhat.
The hiking date is extremely popular in these parts. Also, do you want to get that “alone at a restaurant on valantines day” feeling every day of the year? A hike in the Seattle area is for you!
Anyway, G-Dub if you can, try getting out to the Olympic Mountains for a hike, theyre a lot less crowded (but not deserted) and the views are some of the best in this area.
In western Montana hiking is an extremely popular activity, but that doesn't mean the trails are all crowded. One of the things I love about my state is just how easy it is to quickly get away from the city and be totally alone on a trail or in the woods.
I would not opt for hiking until I knew someone well.
These are great ideas (though I had the same reaction to hiking as Mel), yet for some reason all I can think of is the Coronet educational short, “What To Do On a Date” (you MSTies should know it), and, while extremely stodgy in its presentation, it does harp on the idea that a group outing – like putting together a scavenger sale or a hiking trip, do make good date activity. Much like Doc’s article on meeting a woman and her friends, points out that making a date out of a group activity will go a long way towards setting a more comfortable vibe. She’ll mingle, but she’ll be there with you. Sneaking off for a private moment can make the whole endeavor even more fun.
Roller coasters are sexy! That is all.
On the rock climbing idea, yes, it's a great activity… But as a rock climber, I think it's best if you know a little bit about it beforehand, unless you find one of these activity bundles that serve as a light and amusing introduction to it.
Bear in mind, though, that it is indeed extremely demanding both mentally and phisically, so much so that some people might not even enjoy the lightest introduction possible to it… I've seen it happen. Either because they find it too scary or too phisically demanding, even if trying the easiest route in the world!
Yeah…best make sure your date isn't scared of heights before springing rock climbing on them
I would never go hiking on a *first* date. Way to get murdered and left in the woods for animals to feed on.
Dr. Nerdlove, the problem with your first date suggestions is that, at least in my experience, people are unwilling to commit to anything but a coffee/restaurant date for a first date. This is especially true if you meet them on line. For women, one reason is safety as mentioned above.
The other reason, for both genders, relates to times. Coffee dates don't require much of a time investment. If things aren't going well, they could be cut short easily and if going great extended easily. Other dates like hiking or amusement parks require a significant time investment from both parties and are much harder to end early. Plus, if you have a busy schedule and chores to do, a coffee date could be made to fit more readily into your life than a trip to a zoo.
Given the benefits of coffee dates over other activities, is there any advocacy you suggest when proposing a different first date?
I think the good Doc mentioned that these are suggestions for first "real" dates, and not "I just met you on the internet and now I need to see if you are a crazy person before I commit to any more time with you," coffee introductions.
Yeah, Nerdlove wasn't banning coffee dates. He was putting them in a different category with a different purpose. All the ideas in this blog post have turned out to be awesome "second" dates for me, the ones that came after the coffee house introduction or with people I'd already known a while.
I've been on many coffee dates before and eventually I figured out a way of making them work for me. Coffee dates are – especially when you're talking about meeting someone from online dating for the first time – best seen as a pre-date screening to make sure you're not a loony with a pet butcher's knife you call Lucille. Generally, I'd invite someone out for beers rather than coffee, but the principle is the same.
Now in fairness, I live in a town where we've got more coffeehouses per capita than damn near any other city in Texas, which made planning easier. Pick any random coffeehouse in Austin and you're a stone's throw away from at least three other things you'd want to do. The ubiquity of Starbucks in modern America means that you shouldn't have TOO much of a problem adapting this strategy, but you should map things out in advance.
I've mentioned before that I'm a fan of venue hopping when it comes to dates; it ends up causing a time dilation effect where it feels like the two of you have spent more time together than you really have. I would *always* schedule my coffee dates either for a weekend afternoon or weekday after work and a specific coffeehouse. In either case, when we're talking and bantering back and forth (and I always made a point to be friendly yet flirting) I would mention X activity – usually a cool bar or music venue – that was within walking distance of the coffeehouse that I would be going to later on.
If we're vibing and enjoying each other's company, I would then drop the idea that, hey, you know what, I'm having a great time with you, you should totally come with me to check out X activity! It's totally within walking distance, so if you hate it, no harm, no foul, you can get back to your car and still be in time for LOST (or Teen Wolf or Dr. Who or Supernatural or whatever show we'd been talking about).
Suddenly we're no longer on a pre-date interview, we're on a *date*. There would usually be another venue *also* within walking distance that would have some other attractive feature (amazing margaritas, dessert, cult movies in the courtyard, something) that we'd go to after doing X. Coffee date to awesome first date in no time flat.
If your date is a hardcore animal rights activist, a date to the zoo is probably not a best bet.
I take it that this is something you know from personal experience.
I concur with the whole giving your date a heads-up on some of these activities, and taking a "no, let's not" for an answer.
Story time: A guy I was dating, who was in fact pretty Alpha and traditional, but was a Russian immigrant like myself so I kinda let a lot of his old-school behavior slide in the beginning, because, well, my dad acts the same way, and it wasn't something I couldn't handle. However, I think he was trying to pull one of these exciting date ideas by taking me ice skating. I am not a slight woman, and I am also very top-heavy, so putting me on skates on a slippery surface is not really optimal. I protested, and almost begged him to consider a different activity, but he was adamant and kept pressuring me about trying new things (even though I have tried ice-skating, and thoroughly did not enjoy it, since I spent most of my time on my ass), and how romantic it is even if I'm bad at it, he can help support me until I learn. What actually happened, I felt wholly clumsy and unsexy like a cow on ice. Lesson: if a girl protests an activity, don't force it, k?