Fake A Gamer

I’ve gone on before about my feelings on the supposed plague of faux geek girls before, but occassionally something comes along that requires that I revisit the topic. And occasionally I turn out to be wrong.

But not in the way that you would think.

Y’see, the idea of “fake geek girls” as exemplified by the profoundly stupid “fake geek girl” meme out  is that there are women out there pandering to nerds for “attention”… because there’s nothing women love more than attention from people they would (supposedly) not spit on if they were on fire. The usual suspects – the Frag Dolls, adult actress April O’Neil, Adrienne Munn – get trotted out repeatedly to prove that fake geek girls exist because… evidently they failed some geek shibboleth somewhere along the way or something. I dunno.

Getting fussed over hot women who may or may not be “true geeks” – for whatever arbitrary definition of “geek” you might want to use – not only misses the point, but ends up distracting people from the people who really are pandering to nerds by pandering to them and insulting them at the same time.

After all, everyone knows that geeks, nerds and gamers are desperate virgins who would stab their grandmothers for a chance at banging out. That’s like, the first thing that comes to mind when you think about geeks; they’re sexless slabs of greasy manflesh coated in acne and Cheeto dust who would bust a nut if a woman would deign to talk to them at all.

There are plenty of people who are perfectly willing to trade off of those stereotypes to their advantage. They think you’re idiots who only think with their genitals. They think you’re so desperate to get laid that you’ll try anything that promises to hook you up with a hot willing chick, especially a Geek Girl. And they want your money.

 Single Nerd Seeks Same

One of the pet-peeves I have when it comes to my nerdy brethren are the ones who buy into the idea that being a nerd is somehow a bad thing. Despite the fact that nerds have won the culture wars, many of my nerd brothers and sisters still buy into stereotypes that being a geeks and nerd magically makes sex disappear. Being into comics or video games is the anti-sex equation and the only way you could ever possibly find anything that bears even the whiff of a relationship means you need to stick to your own kind. Geek shall only shag Geek. That is Geek Law.

Now to be fair: there’s nothing wrong with seeking out a partner who shares your nerdy interests. Despite what generations of pop-culture have told us, opposites don’t really attract.

Yeah, take THAT Paula Abdul!

In point of fact, you’re better off to have interests in common (or at least ones that you can tolerate) with your partner.

The problem comes from the self-limiting belief that geeks are restricted in their dating options by virtue of being geeks. It’s one thing to want to connect with a fellow otaku; it’s another to think that you can only find happiness within a narrow stretch of humanity. Buying into that idea – that being a geek is a negative on the dating scene – can mean that you will feel as though you have limited options and create an artificial scarcity. In our eagerness to find someone who fills a particular niche, we can get a little careless… and there are folks out there who are eager to take advantage of it by playing our stereotypes against us.

Here There Be Dragons

One of the joys of online dating is that no matter what your niche or fetish is, there is likely to be dating site out there that will help you fill it. From the basic “find me someone kinky” sites like Fetlife or Adult Friend Finder to finding single religious friends like Christian Singles or JDate to interracial dating to more specific (or esoetric) need like singles looking for sexy amputees or even serio-positive partners… there’s almost literally something for everyone out there when it comes to finding love online.

So, it’s no real surprise that when geeks want to meet other geeks that there are plenty of sites that are ready, willing and able to make that happen. The problem, however, is what happens if you happen to do a Google search for “video game dating” or “geek dating”.

There are a multitude of sites out there that promise to connect geeky singles to the video-game playing, polyhedron-dice rolling, comic collecting nerd of their dreams… for a price. As soon as you fork over your credit card number however… well, good luck finding those geek girls you were promised.

In fact, good luck with the whole process.

Bait And Switch

One “family” of supposed geek dating sites has managed to stand out from the crowd as of late by doubling down on it’s web presence. Date-A-Gamer1, a UK based “geek” dating site promises to be the #1 dating website for single gamers in the UK,  decided to open a second site: Shag-A-Gamer, for those of geeks who’d really rather just skip that whole “dating” thing and get straight to bangin’.

Claiming over 150,000 profiles and a state-of-the-art website so as to help make sure that you connect with the gamer of your lusty dreams because gamers and also more gamers. And so: gamers. In fact, it seems like the word “gamer” makes up more than a quarter of the copy on the landing page enticing you to “sign up for free!”

The more cynical among us would think that this was just Google-bait, attempting to use dodgy SEO tactics in order to up their rankings in searching for “gamer”, “gamer girl” and “dating gamers”. But surely this means that there are hordes of gamer-girls waiting on the other side, right? Hell, it’s state-of-the-art, so you a Commander Shepard could find his very own Subject Zero for a sweaty night of Renegade command prompts right with no problem, right?

Nope.

In fact… that’s pretty much the last time you’ll actually see the word “game” appear on the site.

Here are all of your search parameters after you’ve forked over your information for Date-A-Gamer:

Ever feel that you’ve been had, darling?

Those two interests that have been pre-chosen for you? “Computers” and “Internet”.  Games never once come up anywhere on the site. In fact, in a quick perusal of the various profiles on offer (the average age of which was 46, by the by), I didn’t see anyone mention games once.

Switch over to Shag A Gamer and the only differences are that “Interests” are now fetishes (not even going to make the obvious role-playing joke), religion has become “Favorite Position” and education has become “Shaved”.

Once again, the average age range seems to be between 45 and 61. Oh, and all of the profiles seem to feature 64×64 pixel shots of breasts and vulva with the occasional anus for variety.

So where’d all the “gamers” go? Well, they never existed in the first place. Here’s what Date A Gamer and Shag A Gamer don’t tell you, they’re a pre-packaged dating platform with a “gamer” skin stretched on top of it. The 150,000 profiles Date-A-Gamer promises? They’re ported in from a pre-existing network that other dating sites share, similar to the old Spring Street Personals. Everyone who signs up gets thrown into the pool of available profiles and spread across their entire network. The “gamer” girls you think you’re messaging may well have no idea that they’re even on a “gamer” dating site; as far as they knew, they signed up for a Gingers Only dating website.

Oh and hey, if you’re gay or bi, you’re shit out of luck. Hetero folks only.

But maybe you’ve found a love (or lust) match and you want to try to get in contact with ’em… all smooth sailing, right?

“Oh hey, did we fail to mention this part? Oops.”

Oh, and good luck canceling your account if you do give them your credit card information. As PCGamersN found out, there’s no automated cancellation; you have to call their live tech-support, explain to a woman on the other end of the line that you signed up for a sleazy hookup site and then hope you’re within the very narrow cancellation window each month.

 Now With Added Insult To Injury

What makes Shag A Gamer unique is the way they’ve decided to bring attention to their site: by starting “Shag A Gamer TV”, a DailyMotion channel devoted to… well, I’ll just quote from their press release.

VIRGIN GAMERS OFFERED DATING HELP IN NEW WEB SERIES

Date a Gamer encourages its users to get it on with the help of sexy web series

According to a recent poll, over one third of the gaming community are virgins. Now, thanks to founders of popular dating sites Date a Gamer and its naughtier sister site Shag a Gamer, geeks who may be experiencing difficulty getting laid will have their prayers answered when a series of online video tutorials are launched showing them exactly what they need to do to hook up with the opposite sex.

Now, we’ll ignore the fact (for the moment) that they’re trying to horn in on my territory, thankyouverymuch. Let’s just look at what Shag A Gamer is saying about you: you’re a virgin and that’s just horrible. Not only are you a virgin though, but you’re also completely shit with women because why else would you be signing up for a “gamer” dating website? If you were any good with women, you’d be out getting tail at a bar like a real man.

“My life is a pathetic sham! Save me, Shag A Gamer!”

Nothing like a little virgin-shaming and insulting your core market in one go, is there? But even if we were to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that their hearts are in the right place, the actual videos belie their stated intentions.

The videos themselves are  embarrassingly amateur, featuring a poorly lit, scantily clad model giving banal advice in a bored monotone peppered with incredibly awkward attempts at gamer lingo, all the whilewhile spanking herself, grabbing her boobs or pretending to play with an iPad or a PS3 controller. And, as they’re quick to remind you, if it wasn’t for women’s good graces, you wouldn’t be anywhere… whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.

Their “advice”?

  • Buy her stuff.
  • Bring flowers to dinner.
  • Dress nice.
  • Remember dates.
  • Don’t be late.

Seriously. The video advising nerds how to “impress a woman into bed on a first date” gives sage advice such as “give her your real name”, “don’t have any pre-conceptions” “give compliments” and “ask questions”. Wow. Varsity level instruction in the art of seduction indeed. Strangely, the video seems to skip over the whole “actually getting her in bed” aspect of the tutorial leaving you with questions like “What was that all about?” and “Where the fuck are your eyebrows?”

No, seriously. I’m not going to mock someone for their looks but I could NOT stop staring in disbelief.

This goes beyond cynical marketing and into outright contempt. They’re straight-up telling you that they think you’re so naive and undersexed that a couple of women dressed in rebranded Hooters uniforms mouthing all the right words while pointing their tits at the camera is all it takes to get you to give them your money even as they insult you to your face.

 Where Geek Meets Geek

I’m all in favor of geeks dating geeks and gamers finding love-matches with other gamers, but Date A Gamer and Shag A Gamer are nothing but blatant attempts to prey upon geek insecurities for profit. You don’t need a specialized dating website, much less one that actively looks down on you, to find your fellow geeks; most online dating sites are going to be rife with geeks and gamers by virtue of the fact that they’re online dating sites. Hell, you don’t even need to cough up a subscription fee; OKCupid and PlentyOfFish are both full of nerds looking for love. Save your money and your dignity. Do a search on OKCupid for “video games” and let Scam A Gamer fall into obscurity where it belongs.

 

  1. and no, I won’t be linking to them, thank you. I don’t feel like giving them the traffic. []