So the other day, one of my exes was hitting me up for some relationship advice ((And this right here is likely the most unbelievable thing I have ever written)). She and her boyfriend were having issues connecting sexually. They were amazingly compatible in just about every area of their relationship except sex. The sex was just… enh.
My first question whenever someone tells me that their sex life is on the downward spiral is “Well… have you talked about it?” Not surprisingly, the answer was “no.” In fact, just about every time that’s the answer I get. My follow-up answer is almost always “Why the hell not?”
“Because Jackson1 thinks that it’s supposed to come naturally. If you spend too much time talking about it or making it happen it’s just not genuine,” she said.
This was the point when I asked for his address so I could beat him about the head and shoulders with the Chair Leg of Truth.
I actually HAVE those glasses somewhere…
Unfortunately, this attitude – that if you’re really compatible, the sex should be completely unplanned, undiscussed and magic all by itself – is absurdly common. Somewhere along the lines, the idea developed that if you have to actually think about and talk about sex, you’re doing it wrong, and it causes no end of stress to otherwise happy relationships. This is one of the most asinine memes I have ever run across and not a day goes by that I wish I couldn’t kill it with fire.
Sex is an incredibly important part of a long-term relationship, and sexual dissatisfaction is one of the top relationship killers. Good sex requires more than just compatible genitals and it’s more than just knowing mechanical tricks like the reverse corckscrew swirl or the Rusty Venture; it requires a willingness to investigate, to really get aquainted with what it is you like and – most importantly - being able to communicate what you want to your partner.
So let’s talk about what it takes to actually get the sex you want.
Get In Touch With Yourself (By Touching Yourself)
Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.
- Woody Allen
Jerking off doesn’t get enough credit in my book. It’s more than just a case of “Wham-bam-thank-you-glans” way of getting off when you can’t find someone else to do the job for you. It’s a way of relieving stress and tension, a sleep aid, even a way of practicing chaos magick by using the orgasm-induced no-mind state to charge eldritch sigils according to Grant Morrison.
And if you can’t believe a comic writer who’s taken heroic quantities of hallucinogens, who can you trust?
But beyond a convenient way of entertaining oneself when there’s nothing good on TV, masturbation is a valuable means by which to get information about what really gets you off.
One of the odd double-standards with regards is how we consider the comparative complexity of what it takes to get men and women to orgasm. Women, we are told, are akin to trying to pick a combination lock blindfolded and upside down – every woman is painfully complex and unique code of movements and pressures that you have to memorize. Meanwhile men are like McDonalds – you know exactly what it’s going to take every single time. The Big Mac is gonna be the same no matter whether you’re hitting the Golden Arches in Toledo or Tokyo. Up Up, Down Down, Left Right, Left Right B, A, MOVE YOUR HEAD!!
As fun as it is to reduce the complexity of the gendered sexual experience to a pair of stereotypes, it’s not really true. I’ve heard complaints from guys (and their significant others) who simply can’t get off without very specific routines and I’ve known women who were easier to get off than a pair of shoes.
What is true is how much masturbation affects our sexual experience in general. Women who masturbate regularly are more in tune with what actually makes them orgasm, which makes it much easier for them to orgasm during sex (please notice I very carefully said sex, not penetration… but I’ll get to that in a second.) Men on the other hand2 frequently don’t think very much about their masturbatory technique beyond “lube or no lube” and “did I remember to lock the bathroom door this time?” This lack of introspection cuts them off from a world of information – one that would greatly benefit their partners.
There’s more to getting a woman off than being able to identify the little man in the boat; there’s variations of levels of pressure, g-spot stimulation versus clitoral stimulation, whether direct clitoral stimulation feels best or they prefer indirect stimulation closer to the internal shaft. There’s also considerably more to getting a guy of than “grabbing his cock and pulling rhythmically”. The problem is that guys often don’t know exactly what it is they prefer… because they never stop to think about it. Do you prefer a firmer grip at the base of the penis and loosen as you move up, or do you keep a relatively light grip all around? Do you require high speed, or do you use a more moderate pace? Do spend more time manipulating the glans or do you put more pressure on the underside of the shaft. Do you use any sort of prostate stimulation whether directly (a finger or a sex-toy – ONE WITH A FLARED BASE, PLEASE) or indirectly (pressing something against your perenium)?
METAPHOR!!
The more you know about the specifics of what brings you to orgasm during masturbation, the better equipped you are to actually tell your partner what you want… and that conversation can mean the difference between a ho-hum night or some of the most mind blowing oral sex you’ve ever had.
But Not TOO In Touch
Speaking of masturbation: a lot of guys can actually ruin their sex lives through masturbating. The penis is sensitive and can easily be acclimatized to levels of pressure and sensation, ones that the mouth, vagina or anus simply can’t match. Some men when masturbating use what is colloquially known as “The Death Grip”, where they grab their cocks as though they were trying to literally choke a chicken. Other men discovered masturbation by humping a pillow or a towel, or even the space between the mattress and the box spring of their beds. They become accustomed to this level of pressure or those intense textures and end up unable to actually orgasm via traditional sex, much to their frustration (and the frustration of their partners). Ultimately the only way to cure this is to deprive onself of those sensations when masturbating, even if it means that you’re jerking off and simply can’t come. After enough time, sufferers from the death grip will eventually be so backed up that they will start to respond to much less intense pressure and texture out of sheer determination.
It’s worth noting however, that this is a different matter from women who can’t orgasm without intense clitoral stimulation… but we’ll discuss this in a moment.
COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE!
The most important part of the body when it comes to improving your sex life is your mouth. Yes, it’s great for kissing and oral pleasure… but it’s biggest role should be in talking with your partner. While there are lovers out there who are masters at reading body language and so adept at translating gasps, sighs and moans that it seems like they know what you want even better than you do, not everybody you’re going to sleep with is going to be a Charles Sexavier.
You will now never get that mental image out of your head. You’re welcome.
This means you’re going to have to actually talk to them about sex.
A general rule of thumb is that if you’re comfortable enough to swap body fluids with someone for fifteen minutes, you should be comfortable enough to be able to tell them what you want, sexually. This includes people you may have mentally designated as one-night stands. Just because you’re not planning to see them again (which could very well change, you know) doesn’t mean that the sex has to be awkward or uncomfortable. Being able to tell someone that you need more foreplay, that he’s not actually anywhere near your clitoris, that she needs to use way less (or way more) teeth or that you can’t come from penetration shouldn’t be something you’re afraid to tell someone you’re intimate with.
This extends to more than just the mechanics of sex, by the way. You may have the “insert tab-a into slot-b” aspects of your sex life down to a science with your partner, but if you have other needs that are being unaddressed, it can still affect your sexual satisfaction. Many people have fantasies and kinks – ones that their partners might well be willing to indulge them in – that they simply never bring up for fear of how others may react. A healthy, successful relationship means that you should be able to at least be able to discuss these topics without fear of judgement or ridicule from their partner. It may be something that your partner isn’t necessarily willing or able to fulfill but you shouldn’t feel as though you are somehow not allowed to have these interests or to talk about them.
Also: everybody needs to accept that suggestions and advice are not necessarily criticism. While there are women who have this problem as well, guys are the most prone to taking a suggestion that they could do something differently as a condemnation of their entire sexual repertoire. The suggestion that your partner would appreciate it if you spent more time on the upper left or right of the clitoral head rather than directly on it (or worse, under it) or that you need to use less pressure is not telling you that you are horrible in bed. Similarly, your boyfriend telling you that you have a tendency to rake your teeth in uncomfortable places isn’t getting the reaction that you’re expecting isn’t telling you that everything you know about sex is wrong. Everybody has different requirements and preferences; there is no universal technique that is going to please everybody, and just because your ex liked it doesn’t mean that all your future partners will too.
You Need to Unlearn
We pick up a lot of bad messages about sex from pop culture… and many of them come from porn. Now while I’ll be the first to tell you I loves me some porn, too many people look at porn sex as something to emulate rather than something to watch and jerk off to. Porn sex is not real sex, it’s performance, and it only bares the slimmest relationship to actual sex. In porn world, foreplay lasts minutes at best and usually involves playing with the nipples and vigorously fingering the vagina, maybe a little oral before slamming the cock home to earth-shaking orgasms like an industrial film directed by David Cronenberg. In the real world, not only is this not conducive to actual arousal, but it’s often painful if you’re not careful. It creates unrealistic expectations whether it’s how quickly women should expect to come (or how, or how they should signal that they’re coming) and how much endurance men should have. It puts far too much importance on penile-vaginal contact and minimizes the value of other forms of intimate sexual contact as inferior. Some aspects of porn – deep-throating a penis during oral sex, ejaculating on a woman’s face or breasts, fisting, “double” penetration, etc have taken on fetishistic value in the “real” world – even though it can be unpleasant at best or even potentially physically harmful at the worst, especially for a couple who isn’t experienced or ready to try it.
Expecting porn star sex in any context outside of an actual porn shoot is an invitation to frustration and dissatisfaction… and possibly some medical issues as well.
You Need To Experiment
Enough repetition can make anything boring, including good old-fashioned vanilla sex. You need to be willing to vary things up… and this means more than just going from missionary to female superior on occasion. If your sex live revolves around the same time, circumstances and location – in the evening, in the bedroom with the lights dimmed – you may find yourselves becoming bored by the routine, even if the sex itself is good. Even minor variations – grabbing a quicky over the kitchen table, making out on the living room couch, fumbling in the backseat of your car like a couple of horny teenagers – can inject some freshness and novelty into otherwise stale sex. But sometimes you need to shake things up a little more. Sometimes it’s a matter of expanding your concept of sex.
Maybe your partner read (God help ‘em…) 50 Shades of Gray and suddenly has an interest in being tied up and disciplined. Maybe a porn scene about a college professor and a horny grad student got you off more than you expected and you’re curious to see if you can recreate that excitement with your girlfriend.
“OK, next time YOU’RE the fisherman’s wife and I’M the octopus…”
Or you – or your significant other – may have other desires that aren’t being met yet but you’ve always wanted to try.
Like I said earlier, some partners have kinks and fantasies that they’ve always wanted to indulge, but may not have felt comfortable bringing up to their partners… and you should consider indulging them. While there are some kinks that are just too far for many people – usually ones involving bodily fluids – others may be a bit odd or even off-putting but are ultimately harmless. To steal a line from Dan Savage, couples should aspire to being good, giving and game – good in bed, giving to their partners and game to try things just because their partners are aroused by them. Who knows… on the one hand it may just not be your cup of tea but it gets your partner off like a rocket. On the other, you may discover an untapped well of heretofor unknown kink of your own.
Don’t Fear a Helping Hand (Or a Prop or Two)
Too many people, male and female have bought into the idea that a “look ma no hands” orgasm is somehow inherently superior to all other forms of sex; if she (or he, for that matter) can’t come through strictly vaginal sex (or blowjobs or…) then it just isn’t as good somehow.
To be perfectly blunt, this is ALL KINDS of bullshit. It’s this sort of thinking that leads people to unsatisfactory sex and feeling somehow inferior for it because they can’t get their partner to come the way the porn stars do. Statistics time! Only 25% of women are consistently able to orgasm through strictly vaginal penetration. Almost every other woman requires direct clitoral stimulation which is almost impossible to achieve sufficiently during intercourse. However, because of the perceived desirability of the “no-hands” orgasm, women often don’t do what it takes (stimulating themselves, having their partner stimulate them) to achieve orgasm during sex… whether it’s because they feel they “should” be able to come during penetration or for fear of insulting or offending their partner.
Furthermore, some women require intense direct stimulation in a way that most humans simply can’t replicate and require outside toys like vibrators… yet some people find vibrators intimidating, even offensive. The problem are the people who see a vibrator as competition somehow – that it’s use is either a tacit admission that he simply can’t bring her to orgasm and is thus less of a man or that this mechanical device pleasures her in a way he can’t possibly keep up with. By holding onto this attitude – that “my woman shouldn’t need this if I’m around” – is counter-productive; all it ends up doing is closing a potential avenue to even better sex. The idea that a vibrator is somehow competition is silly; better to see it as it really is: a toy, a tool that he can use to make things mind-blowing.
This perceived supremacy of the “look ma no hands” orgasm affects guys too. Many guys can’t necessarily achieve orgasm through oral sex alone but feel that they should… yet resist the idea of playing with themselves or allowing their partner to use a hand as well as their mouths. Others may have a hard time coming from penetrative sex but gamely try to push their way through it (as it were) rather than using their hand (or their partner’s) to get them off; somehow not coming through penetrative sex is seen as less “manly” or less “real” .
When you open your mind (and other funbits) to expanded definitions of sex, when you quit worrying about what’s “real” or “genuine” and start to encompass outside help, suddenly the world is your oyster.
METAPHOR!
You have options and – more importantly, orgasms – that you never had before. Openness, communication, honesty and a willingness to try things you’ve never done before… these are the keys to finally having the sort of sex you’ve always really wanted.
I'm quite curious as to your advice for virgins that might be getting into the "sex scene" later than most. I remember once completely failing to take an opportunity of having an ONS just because the anxiety of not being able to meet the expectations of an experienced woman…
(Note: Still a virgin in my early 20's)
First: Being a virgin into your 20s is not that big of a deal. I have a good friend – now happily married, with an amazing wife and an awesome kid – who was a virgin into his 30s. There's no race to lose your virginity.
Second, I have two for you: Sex for Beginners and The Five Most Common Male Insecurities
Everybody starts from the same place. Anyone worth sleeping with isn't going to be someone who will give you shit for being inexperienced.
That makes me feel better. I'm 26 and figured that I had blown it (by not blowing it) and there was little to no chance of ever making up for it.
There might not be a race to loose your virginity but American and European society doesn't make it mentally easy to be an older virgin, especially if you have a naturally high libido. Sex is everywhere and its causing me and probably a lot of other older virgins a lot of distress.
Yeah, this is true. I have no problem covering it up socially, but the real thing I'd have a problem with is if I should tell a girl or not. Kind of like… if I was having a one-night stand, it's probably not fair to lie to her that I only know about this stuff from reading about it and don't really know how to do anything physically, but this also can destroy your chances at getting that experience. Bit of a mind-trip.
Definitely tell her, honestly, she'll probably be able to tell if you don't. And that is way more awkward than a "hey, just so you know, I haven't actually done this before". It's also just kind of polite and respectful to your partner.
I also really want to include "The Guide To Getting It On" in your resource list. I happened upon it when I was 17 and newly de-virginized and it blew my mind with its wonderful advice. I now recommend it to all my friends and lovers. http://www.amazon.com/Guide-To-Getting-It-Wonderf…
Re: the porn thing.
YES, this.
I once briefly dated a man who wanted sex to be like porn; with I, the woman, doing a whole lot of performance sex–display, reverse missionary, and lots and lots of dirty talk. It felt fake to me and was the most uncomfortable and unsatisfying night of my life. Suffice to say, I didnt see him again.
Your advice is all well and good, and I would certainly encourage couples experiencing trouble in the sexual arena to explore those options. But what happens when you DO, and it still continues to be a problem? The unfortunate truth is that sometimes couples just aren't compatible in terms of their sex drives. I have a feeling that if you were to conduct a survey and ask couples, anonymously, if they were getting enough sex in their relationship, their answers would probably be very different.
And for the one who answers "not enough," it's just demoralizing and frustrating. You've tried talking about it, you've tried experimenting, but when all's said and done, nothing really changes and you're still left feeling like some slobbery, freakish, Lovecraftian Sex-Beast because you want it and your partner seems content without it (or at least far less often).
In short, yes, communication is great. But after a while, all that talk's just a lot of hot air.
If nothing changes after talking, trying new things, and openly communicating, I think you should start asking yourself whether the sex is really the issue (maybe it's the symptom of other issues in the relationship), or whether the relationship really has the long-term potential that you thought.
I was once in a long-term relationship where our sex drives were radically different: He wanted it all the time, and I pretty much didn't want it at all. At first, I thought that I just had a really low libido, and that sex wasn't very important to me. Long story short: We had a LOT of problems in all areas of our relationship, we broke up, and I realized that I actually had a raging sex drive and really enjoyed sex. Just not with him. (And for more reasons than the lack of sexual compatibility. He constantly pushed me to do things that I was uncomfortable with, when I did as much of those things as I could, it was never enough, he always wanted more things I wasn't comfortable with, and he didn't care that he left me curled up in a ball, crying after sex.)
There comes a point where you really need to evaluate the relationship as a whole, considering sex as only one part of the problems that you are having.
If sexual incompatibility is your /only/ issue in the relationship, then you need to evaluate how important it is as a component of the relationship, and what other options you may have to address it.
I can see what you're saying, and normally I'd agree that incompatible sex drives could be symptomatic of bigger issues. I've certainly experienced that in the past, with exes. In this case, though, the relationship is solid. Affectionate, loving, long-term… pretty much perfect all 'round, except for that little issue of sex. Which isn't really so little.
Of course, it was a gradual process to get here. We started off hot & heavy, as most couples do in the early stages. That was awesome, and at the time I assumed we WERE sexually compatible. But over time it just… slowed down. He had some issues he was dealing with, and I was trying to be understanding, but there was still a long 6-month stretch with no sex at all, and since then, it's been sporadic.
We're trying out alternate ways of dealing with it — perhaps unconventional, but hey, if it works out, great. Talking and communication was how we arrived at these solutions, so that's certainly something I would advocate. But I just wanted to chime in as an example for when all the usual tactics fail. Sometimes that happens. This article gives good advice and they're all solutions I'd offer up myself, to friends going through similar problems. It's just… sometimes you keep throwing shit at a fence, and you just end up with a shit-covered fence. If that analogy makes sense. It does in my head.
That definitely makes sense. And whatever solution that you guys work out, that works for you, no matter how "unconventional," is great! There's no one-size-fits-all solution for any couple. It's all about what works for you. Best of luck!
I broke up with a guy for something like what you posit (well, not for that, but it suuuuuure contributed to me being very, very unhappy). It happens, but someone who doesn't want to have sex anymore and me, we're just not going to get along. Everyone goes through dry spells, but someone who won't work on that isn't compatible with me. At some point you have to make a decision.
PS: I'm not, in any way, trying to imply that the issues in your relationship are anything like the ones I described in mine; I just wanted to give an example of how problems can sometimes be deeper than we realize they are at the time.
The communication bit can be a bit of a minefield sometimes. Gotta be aware of what and how ya say it lest you come off as creepy/rapey.
My question is, how do you know you've communicated enough and its not getting through?
I've been with my man for close to a decade and like most things it was great at first. Over the last few years its dwindled. It's gotten repetitive enough I compare it to a washing machine cycle. It's predictable and very frustrating.
Step 1: He's got a hard on, I better do one of two things, option A use my hand, option B use my mouth.
Step 2: When he's had enough (and he's just laying there fercryinoutloud) option A is I get on top and do something or option B I bend over so he can do something.
Step 3: He gets off and I lay there trying not to pull my hair out in frustration.
And all of this happens in a span of 5 minutes or less. Sometimes I find myself looking at the clock to see how long this is going to take to be over.
I've told him before, can we PLEASE do something else? Instead of just laying there while I do stuff for you, can you do stuff for me too? Criminies, I'm not THAT hard to please. Touch SOMETHING! He'll remember that once in a blue moon and touch something for a few seconds and nothing after. At one point I even asked him if I grossed him out to which he says No. He also keeps repeating things I told him I didn't like. Apparently I end up doing that too (things he doesn't always like) but I think its because I'm not paying much attention anymore. I've also tried to approach it with suggestions like role playing or dirty talk, neither of which he likes. The only thing he seems to be open to is a threesome which I am not too opposed to except that if I see him do things to the other woman that he never does to me, I might blow a gasket.
Is there any rescuing this? Because seriously the only sex I like getting now is one with myself and imagining with partners that don't exist (yes I'm lusting after a stupid video game character).
Have you told him this specifically? It's one thing to say “Hey, could you do X more” and another to say “This is what you're doing, this is how it makes me feel and this is what I would like you to do about it.”For that matter, you might want to just stop in the middle of running down the checklist and say “look, no more X for you until you do Y for me.”
Honestly, if open and honest communication don't work and he continues to be a selfish lover (as he seems to be from your story) then you should think seriously about opening your relationship so you can have some decent sex or perhaps even DTMFA (another Dan Savage-ism, Dump the Mother Fucker Already).
There's a stigma against ending a relationship over "just sex", but there's nothing "just" about a mutually fulfilling sex life. Sex is important, and you and your partner need to be Good, Giving, and Game.
"…except that if I see him do things to the other woman that he never does to me, I might blow a gasket. "
Frankly, after reading what you've written, I wouldn't blame you.
Honestly, I would start enforcing a strict "you don't orgasm until I have" rule. I hope he's at least making out with you and just being all "honey could you help me with this boner." Because before step 1 is where I'd put it. When you're both half-dressed, and he wants it oh-so-badly. Is it manipulative? Absolutely. But it puts him smack in the middle of the sea of no-orgasms you've been living in for so long.
You might still leave him over it (because if he's inconsiderate in bed, where else does he behave like that?) but at least he'll know why.
Making out my foot…..
Before step 1 I'm typically in the middle of doing something…getting the kids ready for school or doing the dishes or working…he'll call out from the bedroom…he's already in there on the bed and pointing south. All that's missing is the dialogue. "I've got a present for you love. Open it." Then step 1 ensues.
I'd also want to add to the part about too much masturbating that doing it too much starts to affect how much you're willing to socialize with girls and even how attractive you'll be subconciously. If you're constantly drained, it's almost a way of saying via body language "I don't need you for any reason." Whereas I found that even abstaining for a few days can make me more… I don't mean approachable, but girls will be more noticeable and they'll leave more openings.
I see the point you're trying to make but I think what he is trying to say in the article is to pay attention to the way you stimulate yourself so you can inform your partner about how best to please you and to make sure you can get off with another person.
Hey Doc,
Any advice on how/when to start the conversation about communicating more with sex?
I'm in a relatively new relationship with an awesome guy. I know he's willing to try new things, but I'm not sure how he'd react if I start giving him commands or bringing up fantasies in the middle of sex, and afterwards seems akward too since I don't want him to think i'm critiquing him. But I don't know how to be like "I'm into this" at other times when we're just hanging out – seems wierd.
This is a completely theoretically sexual etiquette question at this point but if I ever get into a relationship, I'd like to have sex sooner rather than latter. Whats the most tasteful way to bring this up that isn't likely to end in disaster?
Um, go with the flow? This is a really situational question. It's very dependent on age, experience, religion, community, living situation, how you met, how good of a kisser you are, etc. Just always make sure you're respecting their rules and boundaries.
I have a simmilar question in that I would like to get into a relationship and then not have sex as soon as possible. I feel like I could wait till marrage but how do you say no to someone you really like who believes sex should occur in the first few weeks of dating?
Okay, I am going to admit something. To the masturbating part you talked about, well being desensitize actually helped me out a lot with my two ex's. I say this because they were the only two I've ever had sex with, and with the first one since I was a virgin with her, not being able to have an orgasm on my first time out actually helped me, as I was able to go at it for awhile until she either came (which I doubt of course) or at least we had to stop.
But when it came to my second ex I went through the same process, I could not come when we started having sex. This worked out as after we started having sex we were basically going at it for about three days straight, and I only focused on her, as I wanted to make her feel good and get her off. Though there was a problem of me keeping it up, especially when it came to using a condom (because of the time of me having to take it out and apply it on make me loose a bit of my erection), which I did have the same problem with my first ex. That was why I was glad I could go raw with my second ex as she was always on the pill and I trusted her not to have anything surprising. Still on the third day when I was going to go home, we have a quick one before we were about to leave and then I did come for the first time. After awhile, it would happen once in awhile, sometimes I would before I could get her off, sometimes I had to try and hold back before she did. The sex was good (and supposedly I was pretty good to her (second ex) all the time (again I have some doubts since I'm new to sex, but eh)), though I know for a fact I need to learn positions, as we did missionary and girl on top mostly (and I can't feel anything when it's girl on top :/). The problem is, if I'm resting on my legs, they begin to hurt and cramp up pretty quickly.
Anyway, to me being desensitized is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something that one has to get over of course if they want to have an orgasm. It worked for me until I managed to start feeling something, and that's because I had sex often.
Hrm that sounds like it'd be hard to pull of confidently, after living a lifetime of thinking it as a growing and expanding stigma. That'll take a bit to try to get over.
Fake it 'till you make it, honestly. If you can't feel it, then act like you do anyway. You'd be amazed how well it works.
Oh I don't know, I could easily imagine a person with a certain amount of sexual experience approaching having sex with a virgin in a few ways. The negative way is not to be enthusiastic about because the first few times are going to be more like training sessions for the experienced partner. Plus, the unexperienced one might want to make up for lost time. A more positive way of looking about it is to acknowledge that these are training sessions but to recognize that as the trainer your get to teach the newbie what you like.