Hey Doc, I have an image problem, though that might be a huge understatement.
Let me explain: inwardly, I’m your stereotypical nerd. I talk about Asian cinema and French New Wave with the kind of enthusiasm most people reserve for their children, I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the Marvel Universe, and I’ve logged in way too many hours on the Mass Effect trilogy than I care to admit.
In my day-to-day life, I’m soft-spoken and decidedly introverted. I’m also six and a half feet tall, completely bald, and my arms are heavily-tattooed (though they are easily covered by a long-sleeve shirt). I’m also a competitive power lifter. In other words, I’m friggin’ huge.
I struggled with body image issues from my early teens to well into my twenties. I was ridiculed for being effete in the locker room, and I felt like a cave troll in more intellectual social circles. During my undergraduate years, I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder – which, after a great deal of cognitive behavior therapy, I now realized caused me to stumble into a number of toxic relationships, the last one ending about two years ago.
For the first time in my life, I can finally say that I’m comfortable being in my own skin. I’ve learned to embrace all of the disparate parts about me. Problem is, is that I seem to be attracting the same kind of women I dated before I got better.
Before I go any further, let me say that I live in a fairly conservative, small-to-medium sized city in the south eastern United States. Home is far from Deliverance, but it’s also not running over with open-minded, cultured people either. The women down here that are physically attracted to me tend to like traditional, hyper-masculine men, which appearances aside, I am decidedly not. They also do not share any of my intellectual pursuits or creative passions. When I do find someone that I’m intellectually compatible with, there just seems to be a lack of chemistry (at least on their side).
I tend to dress fairly conservative – partly because of work, mostly because men’s big and tall fashion, though it has made leaps and bounds since I was in high school, falls to either one of two sides: decidedly bland, or incredibly tacky. I tend to accent my wardrobe with things that illustrate my more nerdy/bookish personae, like my Elvis Costello style glasses, or in the winter, my Dr. Who scarf. I’m also working on being less stiff in my body language and to be more approachable and outwardly expressive (It’s an on-going process), but I get the same results.
I’ve read your articles on selecting an archetype as well, but there is a dearth of examples out there that fit both my personality and body type.
So what do you say, Doc? Care to help a brother out?
300 Pound Woody Allen First of all, congratulations on getting control of your body image disorders and getting your life back to a place where you’re happy with yourself! That’s a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself for having come so far.
Now, let’s get to your problems.
The first thing to consider is that these days, nerds don’t look like “nerds”; the traditional images of “nerd” or “geek” go out the window. Yeah, The Big Bang Theory tends to go towards the “hipster” look, but then you also have Vin Diesel and Felicia Day and Ryan Keely, Nathan Fillion, Adrienne Curry, Adam Savage and Wil Wheaton, Dwayne Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson – all of whom are great big goddamn nerds and represent a wide, diverse range of styles. Nerd is as much in what you do as what you look like. I don’t dress with too many obvious geek signifiers – my Arashikage tattoo and Green Lantern ring notwithstanding – but anyone who talks to me for longer than five minutes is going to figure out that I’m nerd to the bone. In many ways, your build is going to be your filter; someone who can’t get past your burly exterior and appreciate the nerd inside – or who can’t handle that the musclebound hulk is a sensitive intellectual – isn’t someone you’re going to want to date in the first place
Now to be fair: with your size and build, you are going to be having people making a lot of assumptions bout you if you’re not cosplaying as Zangief, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re restricted in your style. Your archetype is about crafting an attractive stereotype based around your identity. So you have to work with how you view yourself. Speaking strictly about styles of clothing, there are some areas that will work more easily with your build – the rockabilly/motorhead and biker looks tend to work well for large individuals, for example, and you can’t deny that folks obsessed with building rat-rods and restoring old cars aren’t nerds. I’ve also known plenty of Renaissance faire geeks with your build who cultivate the blacksmith/viking look (see also: Tony “Man At Arms” Sawtton).
Hell, with the exception of being bald, one of the first thoughts that came to mind when you were describing yourself was Ryan Hurst, who played Opie on Sons of Anarchy.
As for your second problem… well, that’s going to be trickier. In many ways, you – and many other geeks in your situation – are being screwed by demographics. Some parts of the country just aren’t as geek friendly as others; smaller cities, especially in the American south tend to be more conservative and are prone to having a broad anti-intellectual streak. As a result – the nerd and nerd-curious population ends up being small as they flee for friendlier locales. As a result… there just are fewer people in town that you’re likely to be compatible with.
As a result, you have two choices. First, you can stick around and try to find someone you’re at least somewhat compatible with, even if they’re not necessarily on the same wavelength as you are. And the other is to start saving up your money, cutting your expenses and moving. You don’t even have to go that far, all things considered; Savannah is home to SCAD and is a decided nerd enclave in the South, while Atlanta hosts DragonCon every year. You would be far more likely to find women who would appreciate what you bring to the table there, then you do in your current hometown.
I should mention that some people feel reticent about moving strictly to improve their romantic opportunities. They tend to feel that “wanting to find a boyfriend/girlfriend” is a silly reason to pull up stakes and move to the city, as though that were somehow a less valid reason than, say, improving their financial opportunities or chasing a dream job. My thought is: what is the benefit of staying in a place where you are demonstrably unhappy and you don’t fit in? If you have the opportunity to move – which, I will grant you, can be quite the headache and financial outlay – to a place that suits you better and where you would be happier, why does acknowledging that you’re more likely to find a relationship there invalidate your desire to move?
Sorry, I digress. I’ve had this discussion with several friends before as they were getting ready to pull up stakes and move to new cities in hopes of improving their dating lives.
If you don’t have anything holding you in place – finances mean that you can’t leave yet, you’re caring for relatives – then I would suggest that you start putting money aside and look into the possibilities of moving to greener pastures. A larger, more cosmopolitan city will likely suit you far better than your current location.
Good luck.