Dear Dr NerdLove,
I noticed that some of your articles are not about romantic or sexual relationships but include topics of self improvement in regards to friends and various social occasions. I was wondering if I could ask you about friendship instead of dating.
I’m a 19 year old girl with extremely limited experiences with the strange phenomena that is friendship. I was homeschooled till I was seventeen and in my two years in high school I did not fare well. I was bullied and withdrew from anyone that was nice to me but welcomed people who hurt and threatened me. I didn’t really have friends growing up. My family moved around constantly and my father was an abuser who purposely isolated us. Because of his struggles with bipolar disorder he could become angry and even violent with little to no warning (he’d kill our pets). My mom is afraid of people even after she divorced dad; she wouldn’t allow me to have friends over or celebrate birthdays with anyone other than immediate family. It’s been over ten years since I’ve had someone come to my birthday – the worst day of the year a day completely dedicated to my parents’ insecurities
I now have something I never had before someone I trust and I hesitate to admit to myself a friend…my only friend.
He’s 42 years old and he’s been my tai chi teacher for almost six years now. Let’s call Him Obi-Wan
We didn’t talk much until we started having summer classes in the park. We realized that not only did we both live close to the park but walked the same route to and fro. Some of the best conversations I ever had where walking home with him. We live in the middle of nowhere so his class is very small the biggest it gets is four students and most of the time I’m the only person to show up so I get a lot of one on one time. I’ve recently joined his Judo club and I love it when he picks me up and throws me. He’s showing me how to wrestle. I’m learning to trust him I’ve never been so close to any one emotionally or physically. The last time we wrestled he showed me two different head locks. He used his arm for one and his legs for the other I never feel as relaxed as I did then.
A few weeks ago our relationship changed dramatically. I had a mental breakdown in class. I curled up on the ground shaking and crying. The other students quickly evacuated but Obi-Wan stayed with me patting my back. He listened to me and took everything I said very seriously he was patient as I told him about my relationship with my mom and dad and my worries and fear I admitted to him my fear for my younger sister who is involved with old men and drugs and her resent suicide attempt. Obi-Wan freely admits to hating emotional situations and he tries to avoid them if possible but he spent the next four hours talking with me. He told me some of the most painful struggles in his life
He told me something very personal and I wanted to tell him that my first suiside attempt was when I was ten but I was to ashamed. I often catch myself thinking about my funeral. I imagine that no one would show up and that Obi -Wan wouldn’t even notice.
I’m afraid of this new intimacy. I don’t understand how to respond. I can feel myself recede and shut him out like I do with anyone who is nice to me. I’m afraid of so many things even though I trust him physically I don’t truly trust when I have to contribute to a conversation or respond I feel afraid more than I ever want to admit. I either don’t say anything (I often resort to vague hand motions to communicate) or turn the conversation toward myself talking quickly and interrupting him repeatedly. This happen regardless of what information I need to respond to whether it’s a conversation about zombies, books, hobbies or his brother’s recent suicide. He shared that info to help me even though it was extremely hard for him.
I love him and he cares about me, he has been worried about me and he knew something was up over the last five months. I never said anything about it but he knew he said that he has realized over the years that we both started martial arts because of a intense terror of our parent hurting us.
He asked me is there was anything he could for me the expression on his face shocked me it was so concerned. I should have asked him for a hug I don’t think that would ever happen.
When I told him not to worry about It he repeated the question twice he said that if there was anything at all he’d do it he said that I need to let myself trust someone and let more people in and that I need talk to more people he said that he’d be there for me at anytime and that I could contact him at anytime.
He suddenly became a real person with fear love hate and a life time of insecurity my previous view of him was overly idolized. I saw him as the perfect impossibly happy man my shining hero my idle flawless. I thought that in the future I could be impossibly happy too but I don’t think he’s happy. Now I know that we both suffer from some pretty severe depression and self hatred. He’s like me only suffered worse abuse and has had more years to work on it. How can he live through that and still be here?
I don’t know how to act I want our friendship to be more equal. He has told me things that were visibly painful for him to mention but I don’t even carry out a conversation properly. Talking about little things is hard for me. He talks, I listen. I don’t understand how to interact with people in the best of times How do I deal with trusting and interacting at this level? Why does he even care about me in the first place?
I’m starting to shut down and shut him out. I don’t know how to have a friend or have a healthy relationship with a back and forth. I drive everyone away I don’t want to do that again. I think Obi-Wan is aware of this because he told me that he spent most of his live shutting everyone out but he realized that no one can make it thru alone. I never told him that I shut people out but he said that he has been waiting years for me to go out and expand my social circle and just get out there. He says that I’m stuck and that it’s a good thing that we have our whole lives to work on our fucked up childhoods.
People tease me saying that I must have sexual feelings for him because “daddy issues” but I don’t not even remotely. Is that odd?
How does one have an adult healthy friendship? How do I talk to someone without fear? Is being friends with someone old enough to be my father wrong? Is it inappropriate to be friends with ones instructor? I’m starting to be involved with his life getting to know his lovely wife and learning about his life, work, friends, and family. Is it wrong to be friends with him because I’m a girl? Is it wrong that a part of me wishes that Obi-Wan were my father? Is 19 to old to want a father figure? That when I’m scared the only thing I want is my Obi-Wan?
Am I to damaged to have friends? I want to invite him to my 20th birthday. It would be the first time having someone even come over in years. Would that be inappropriate? Would it be awkward that he’d be the only one invited? He could bring his wife if he likes she’s nice. He doesn’t like social situations maybe I could ask him to practice sword with me instead.
Another thing I was worried about do you think that he sees me as just another student instead of a friend? What do you define as friendship? He treats all his students the same with the same friendly demeanor. I’ve been in his class longer than anyone he is on my resume and helped me create it he lends me books. We have never hung out without martial arts but sometimes we get together to practice sword on our spare time. I want him to love me platonically is that selfish of me?
I realize that I don’t even understand how to be a friend or even how friendship works. I have a vague idea that friendship requires some sort of give and take. The relationships I’m used to revolve around fear. The balance of power is always off. I often give my all to someone who belittles and uses me but this is completely different.
Sincerely
Concerned Padawan
There are two types of families in this world. There is the family that we’re born into and there’s the family that we choose. Sometimes they’re the same people. Sometimes they’re not.
It sounds to me like you have found part of your family by choice. And I think you understand just how lucky you are.
What I don’t think you understand is that you’re a lot stronger than you realize. Because, honestly? I’m amazed by you and what you’ve accomplished. You’ve grown up in an incredibly turbulent, violent and terrifying situation. You’ve been tormented and abused by someone you should be able to trust implicitly. You’ve been isolated by your mother – well meaning, perhaps, but still incredibly damaging to do to a child. And you still have the courage to put yourself out there and to open your heart to people? You’re still brave enough to trust others and to let them in?
I don’t think you realize just how incredible that is. I don’t think you realize what this says about you. I don’t know if you realize how many people would’ve been destroyed by what you went through, who’d just build up a callous around their soul and move through life unwilling to connect with others. Most people would let this destroy them. And here you are, asking for the tools to repair the harm that has been done to you?
You should be beyond proud of what you’ve managed to accomplish. Hell, I’m proud of you. So let me help you in what little ways I can.
The first thing you need to do is stop calling yourself damaged. You’ve been abused. You’ve been terrorized. And you’ve come through it all. You’re not damaged, you’re a survivor. Never, ever forget that. Not for a moment.
What you have with your Obi-Wan is special. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a father-figure in your life, especially considering what your biological father did to you. And it sounds to me like you’ve found someone who understands what you’ve gone through. From everything you’ve described, you’ve found someone who’s been through the same wars you have. I think he looks at you and he recognizes that you’re on the same path that he’s walked. You’ve both been through the fires of Hell and you have the scars to prove it.
There’s a saying: when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. You’ve been taken to the lowest depths and they didn’t break you. You’ve been looking for a way to get out of the pit, but you don’t know how. And now you’ve met someone who’s been through the same pains that you have been, who’s seen the same Hell you have. He’s teaching you how to climb back out. He’s teaching you how to be strong. He’s showing you that you can do more than just survive, you can recover. You can thrive. You can come back from this and be more and better than you ever believed. He’s showing you what love and respect and friendship really looks like. He’s being more of a father than your biological parent ever was. One of them gave you his blood, the other is giving you life.
I don’t think there’s any question he cares about you. I don’t think there’s any question that you’re special to him. I think the two of you have a bond that only people who’ve survived the same Hell can understand. He’s been where you are, he’s felt the pain you have and now he’s helping you walk the path towards healing. You should listen to him because he’s right. Nobody is an island, and nobody gets through this life without others.
So what do you do? You let yourself open up a little. Let yourself lean on him a little bit while you learn from him. Invite him and his lovely wife to your birthday if you like – although I say take control of your party and just invite the two of them out to dinner instead. Let him know you appreciate him and what he’s done for you. Let him be a role model for you and an example – he’s showing you what real friendship is like when two people respect and care for one another rather than letting others abuse you. Friends loan you books. Friends offer you their strength when you need it, a hand when you want it and their affection at all times. Learn to relax a little, to let yourself care for others and be cared for.
It won’t hurt to look into some therapy options as well to help heal. Captain Awkward has an excellent post about how to explore low-cost or even free options for self-care.
And remember: you’ve come all this way already. That is incredible. You are a survivor. You are strong.
You’re on the right path. You’re going to be OK. I promise.
Write back in and let us know how you’re doing.