Dear Doc
The other night I was out with two of my good friends at a local bar that had live music going on to celebrate my birthday. The three of us were dancing and enjoying some drinks and I noticed a cute girl a few feet away from me by herself dancing really enjoying herself. I had no intention of talking to this girl as I was focused on spending time with my friends. There was also a middle age couple dancing and the women comes up to me while the music is playing loud and she asks me if I am single and I answered yes and she takes my hand and the girls hand I had mentioned and played the role the Cupid and paired us up to dance and introduced us to each other. I have never had a complete stranger do this before so I felt a little awkward and I couldn’t imagine how this girl felt.
We both went along with it for like a minute and unlocked hands and kind of just kept dancing close to each other for one song and then she headed off to the bar to talk to a guy. I figured this guy was a bf but i wasn’t completely sure so about 15 minutes passed and he went to the bathroom and I took this window of opportunity to go over and talk to her. It turned out this guy was just a friend and we talked for about 20 minutes mostly small talk . She then said she was going to be heading out and without me asking she said here take my number down. I was surprised I’m usually the one who is asking and it was a nice change to be offered it. I took it down said it was nice to meet you and that I would call her. So a few hours passed and I just sent her a quick ping saying it was nice meeting you and no response I figured she had gone to bed. The next day I didn’t receive a reply so I gave her a call to see if she wanted to join me to this festival I was going to Friday. She picked up and I said this blah blah from last night how are you? So I told her about the festival and she said she doesn’t know her schedule yet , she is in between jobs right now and it is all over the place . So I said I understand and when you know your schedule let me know and we can go out. She said sounds good and we ended the call.
So I guess my question is and maybe I might of interpreted wrong her interest in me. But do you think she is being flaky which I find weird because she is the one who offered me her number , I didn’t ask for it . Or if she is legitimately busy should I just wait for her call or text , I like having some control this kind of thing instead of being the one waiting for her to let me know when her schedule opens up. I’m interested in seeing where this goes but I won’t be disappointed if nothing happens. I would appreciate you advice and opinion in this.
Thank you,
Unexpected Dancing Guy
Ok, that’s an awkward meet-cute if ever there was one… but hey, if nothing else, you’ve got a story out of it, UDG!
There’re some things that you did right and some things that you did less-right. So lets start with the positives. You rolled with the situation and didn’t make things awkward for the woman you got roped into dancing with. You introduced yourself to her afterwards to make small-talk. You sorted out relationships between the woman and her friend. You sent a quick ping to her after you got her number. These are all good things to do.
The things you did less-right weren’t wrong really, just more along the lines of “not best practices.” Think of them as things that you might want to try differently next time you’re meeting someone off a cold approach (or the occasional interfering rando). To start with, waiting until her companion wandered off isn’t necessarily the best move; it could potentially be seen as trying to swoop in when the competition’s back is turned. Considering the situation you both went through, coming up and saying “Ok, I’m not crazy and that was a little awkward for you too, right? It was fun dancing with you, so thanks for that.” – or words to that effect – would have been fine and given you an opportunity to introduce yourself and sort out relationships sooner. In a worst-case scenario, you would make some small-talk and get back to your friends. Not-so-bad scenario: you make a couple new friends. Best case: she’s single and enjoyed it too.
When you ping someone after getting their number, you want to make sure they know who you are, especially if they didn’t take your number when you got theirs. Call-back humor – whether a nickname or a joking reference to something that occurred when you met – works best; not only does it make you more memorable, but a little humor makes the association with you more appealing. That callback also helps avoid the “Hey, it’s John from the other night. We met at The Library? I was wearing the Kinetix tee? John. J-O-H-N” awkwardness that tends to kill any emotional momentum.
Calling her the next day after you didn’t get a response… that’s somewhat mixed territory. It’s not the worst thing you can do, but it’s really not the greatest either when you’ve only just met the person. Sometimes you just have to roll the dice. I also think that the festival may have been a bit too much for a first date, considering you only had 20 minutes of conversation total; that’s a not-insignificant time investment to pull out of the blue on someone you’ve just met. As a general rule, I’ve found that inviting someone to dates like that works best if you’ve had more time to talk before asking them out. Ideally, you want to pre-sell it during the conversation as something you’re looking forward doing on your own. That way, you can invite her her to come with you later on rather than springing it on her. In your case, I would’ve recommended something smaller and lower-investment as a potential first date – coffee or a walk in a park, for example.
Now straight talk: if you did everything perfectly, would you have gotten different results? Well… no, probably not. From the sounds of things, she’s not being flaky, she’s just not that into you. She may have liked you enough to give you her number, but lost the emotional momentum later. She may not have realized who you were when you texted and felt a little jarred when you called the next day. Or she may have given you her number as a quick and socially acceptable way to end the interaction. You can’t control for everything when it comes to dating and sometimes things just don’t work out no matter how well you may have performed. Attraction and interest can be a fickle beast. Welcome to dating. Womp womp.
Don’t sweat it, UDG. Best thing for you to do now is simply to wait on her to make the next move. Calling or texting again won’t help, it’ll only hurt. The ball’s in her court; if she’s into you, she’ll get back to you. If not, well, you’re not really losing out on anything. Treat the evening as a fun little event in the story of your life and if she is interested enough to hit that festival with you, hey, bonus!
Good luck!
Doc,
My wingman is British and physically more attractive than me. And did I mention he’s British? And travels the world? Girls get very distracted by him physically and emotionally and I have to be overt to maintain their attention, which ends up being counter productive at some point. I feel that even at some optimized level of engagement (not too over the top or blasé), I still wouldn’t be capturing their attention as much.
What do. Halp.
Not Very Popular, Not Very Cool
Well here come the flashbacks…
Folks who’ve read the column for a while may remember my talking about my buddy Miles. Miles was, much like your wingman, a nightmare to be around if you were at all interested in women. He’s tall, boyishly good looking and completely and naturally charming – almost preternaturally at ease with women. He attracted women the way that cheese attracted mice; if he were around, everybody else may as well have been invisible. His appeal to women was legendary. I could almost have hated him if it weren’t for the fact that he is legitimately one of the nicest, friendliest, most genuine people you could ever meet.
I loved him like a brother and I prayed nightly for him to be in a disfiguring industrial accident so that the rest of us stood a chance.
As much as he was an inadvertent obstacle – God knows he wasn’t trying to get in people’s way – he did provide something valuable1: he gave me someone to challenge myself against. One of the best ways to get better at a skill is to surround yourself with people who are better than you. People who inspire you to push yourself past your limits, who drive you to work harder are worth their weight in gold – even when they frustrate the hell out of you. Miles is one of the major reasons why I am where I am today. I may not have appreciated it then – especially the night he and I went head to head over the same woman – but his presence and example drove me to change and improve. Having someone like your friend can be the motivating factor to help you up your game. Admire him, learn from him where you can and use his presence as the rough surface that will help polish you to your own brilliant shine.
But that’s the long term goal. What do you do in the meantime when your buddy is getting all the attention and glory?
Well, to start with, ask yourself: is he respecting the wingman rules? Is he burnishing your credentials as an awesome guy to know, or is he just coming in and taking over when you’re talking to people? Is he making a point to not flirt or otherwise indicate interest with the person you’re interested or is it just a free-for-all? If he’s just rolling in with no real consideration, then he’s not exactly being a good friend or wingman. After all, the point of a wingman in dating situations is to support your buddy, not to overshadow him.
Is he willing to tone things down when he’s supporting you? He doesn’t necessarily have to ugly up or fake an American accent, but he also doesn’t have to shine like the sun when you’re talking to someone you’re interested in. He can downplay his own accomplishments – or not mention them – while talking you up. He can also potentially be less of an immediate presence; if you’re approaching someone in a group, he can help focus the group’s attention on him so that you have more of a chance for some one-on-one time with the person you’re talking to. Even something as simple as placing himself between the two of you and the others – with his back to the two of you – can give you a little social privacy to talk without necessarily overwhelming your own efforts.
Of course, if he’s being a shitty wingman and isn’t willing to adjust things so that you have your shot too, then you may want to consider hanging out with someone else when you’re trying to meet women.
As frustrating as it may be, there’s really no profit in getting heated up and angry about your buddy’s gifts; it won’t change things and all that will happen is that you’ll waste time and energy being upset. I t’s better to work on yourself than to waste time and energy being envious of other people’s gifts. And keep in mind, there’s no such thing as someone who’s universally attractive. Doesn’t matter if you’re Idris Elba, Michael B. Jordan, Brad Pitt, Stephen Amell, Chris Evans or Chris Pratt: there will always be people who just don’t get the appeal. Your buddy may have a lot of awesome traits, but there will be people who will want what you have to offer… provided you give yourself a chance to develop.
Good luck.
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