Hey there Doc I’m a long time reader and I was hoping you could lend your expert advice on a issue I’ve been having for sometime.
So little bit of backstory for most of high school and the early years of college I was the typical nerd. I was quiet, smart, terribly nervous around women (I use to stutter something terrible when I’d even try to talk to them.) You know the usual shtick. The good news is that as I got older and thanks to some of your articles I became more social calibrated and came out of my shell. I started going to the gym, dressing better, learned how to be a good conversationalist, and I guess part of this message is a thank you for helping me to become the guy I am today.
Anyway onto the actual problem. I’m a social guy. I love to meet new people and hear their stories. Recently however I’ve run a foul of some people who are mistaking my friendliness as flirtation. This has caused issues with setting up false positives for people I’m not interested in or pissing off said person’s significant other. What would your advice be to gauge the response people are having to you? And as a follow up question if you do notice that you’ve given the wrong impression how would you back out gracefully to avoid causing any more issues?
Thanks Doc,
Turning Signals Off
Glad to hear you’re doing so much better, TSO! Now let’s talk a little about how you might be giving people the wrong impression.
There’re a lot of times where people get the wrong impression about what people are trying to say or do. You’ll hear a lot, for example, about guys mistaking friendliness (especially professional friendliness) for flirting and politeness for attraction. Similarly, guys worry about giving off the “romance” vibe when they’re just trying to be friends with people. Call it a social issue; frequently we’ve been so disconnected from people or have such shallow and perfunctory interactions that we tend to forget that there are degrees of friendliness and intent. Sometimes it’s cultural; basic politeness to someone in, say, Texas, can read as almost absurdly forward or solicitousness to someone from Minnesota. Other times it’s just a case of poor social calibration or – in many cases – wishful thinking.
The thing to keep in mind is that when it comes to false positives and misread signs, there’re two people involved. Sometimes it can be a case of you giving off signs that might reasonably be interpreted as being flirty. Sometimes it’s the other person who’s reading things in that aren’t there. It takes a certain amount of self-examination and self-awareness to try to get a grasp on who’s misreading whom.
Take, for example, the significant others’ of some of the women you talk to. If you’re a touchy-feely person and you do a fair amount of (acceptable) social touching, their partners might misinterpret that as flirting. They might also take it that way if you’re giving your conversational partner a lot of strong eye-contact, or doing the slow-smile or making jokes that may be taken as being flirty or teasing. It might also be read the wrong way if you’re doing a lot of isolating – that is, walking off with someone to another area or otherwise separating them from their group. It may be just part of how you are – you decide you’re going to get a drink or move someplace not quite so loud and they come with you, with no untoward intent – but it could reasonably be seen as being flirty.
On the other hand, you could be dealing with someone whose boyfriend just incredibly jealous and possessive and is going to automatically assume the worst of any person who might pose a “threat” to their relationship. In those cases, you could be waving a wedding ring around and hoisting a neon sign that says “I AM MARRIED/GAY/DEAD AND STUFFED WITH LIZARDS” and they’d still convince themselves that you meant to do them dirty. At which point, there’s really nothing that you can do aside from not exist.
So when you’re talking to someone, especially someone who’s pretty sure you’re giving signals that you aren’t, try to take a step outside of yourself and look at how you’re behaving. Is it possible that some of your behavior might be misunderstood by a reasonable person? If so… consider dialing things back just a tad. You can give people a little more personal space, be a little less physically expressive or be a touch more serious instead of teasing or making jokes.
If it’s not you… well, there’s not really much you can do if people are determined to misunderstand things. You can’t control other people’s reactions and there are some folks out there of all genders who will perceive things like “breathing” and “talking to me” as signs of flirting.
In either case, if you have a case of misunderstood intent, the easiest thing to do is gently correct them. “Hey, I’m sorry, I think you may have gotten/ I may have given you the wrong idea! You’re awesome, but that’s not really what I meant.” Deliver it with a smile and a laugh and just let bygones be bygones. It’s no worries, happens all the time, your bad, etc. Realizing that you (general you, not you, TOS) have misread a situation can be embarrassing. Letting the other person know it’s no big deal and just treating it like an amusing glitch in the Matrix can do a lot for making everyone comfortable again.
And hey, it might be worth asking someone close to you just how you’re coming across to others. They might be able to give you some insight that you wouldn’t get otherwise.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years, since we were 15 years old. We’ve had a good relationship, but a half a year ago, I started feeling less attracted to him. Giving him physical attention didn’t come as easily as it should. I thought it would get better eventually as I was also not feeling well mentally at that time.
But then I met another person, when I first saw him, I was already attracted to him. I started talking to him on Facebook and we became friends. But the problem is that I have fallen in love with this person and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t even know if he is interested in me. To me it’s clear that I am more interested in him than he’s in me as he sometimes ignores my messages and says he forgot to answer them.
I still love my boyfriend, and because we’ve been together for almost 6 years, it’s not easy to say goodbye. I also don’t know if the other guy and me would be a good match. We go to the same school but we don’t really talk in person the same as we do online. (This is also because I am really shy.) There isn’t also a possibility anymore to talk to him in person, unless we would meet up, because he’s abroad for 2 months.
Confused Potato
Let’s leave the other guy out of this for now, Potato. Attraction happens. Crushes happen. They happen even when you’re otherwise perfectly happy with your partner. This has nothing to do with the state of your relationship or your feelings for somebody and everything to do with the fact that you’re a mammal with a sex drive. So just let that slide for now while we focus on the main problem.
And that’s how you feel about your boyfriend.
The biggest issue is, frankly, when you got together. 9 times out of 10, the relationships we start in our teens aren’t our last ones. We’re still growing and developing and learning who we are, and those changes tend to mean that who we loved and why don’t remain the same. This doesn’t say anything about your affection for your boyfriend or the strength of your commitment, just that you’re not who you were when you started.
Relationships change over time, just as people do. Who you are now is different from who you were when you first started dating and what brought you two together may have changed as you two did. Not every relationship ends because of major drama, or because somebody did something wrong. Sometimes it’s just that the relationship has come to the end of it’s natural life and it’s nobody’s fault.
Sometimes attraction can fade because people quit trying. Sometimes it can fade because there’s an unmet need for novelty or someone (or both partners) are bored. You can pull back from those and reignite that spark. Other times, it fades because… well, you’re just not the same people. It can be hard to pull the plug on those times because you’ve sunk in so much time and it’s hard to let go because… well, wouldn’t that mean you wasted that time?
But it’s not wasted, if the two of you were happy while you were together. Similarly, it doesn’t mean that your relationship was a failure because one or both of you didn’t die in the saddle; it’s possible to realize that you were both meant to be together for a time and then it’s time to go your separate ways. If you two can still look back on your relationship with fondness and have some affection for one another after you’ve broken up, that’s an unqualified success.
Take a little time to sort out how you feel about your boyfriend… without the other guy in the picture. If you come to the realization that your relationship has reached it’s natural conclusion, then the best thing you can do is end things, quickly and cleanly.
And let that other guy go; it sounds to me like he’s not into you anyway.
Good luck.
Dear Doctor,
I am currently in college. Two of my classes are back-to-back, totaling 6 hours of class time at once, once a week. I share both classes with a guy I sit next to, and we get along pretty well. He likes me well enough to hang back between classes and wait for me so we can walk together. I like him well enough that, were I not happily married, I might ask him out.
Here’s my problem. He’s pretty funny, but self-deprecating. Now, a lot of humor comes form self-deprecation, especially done well. Except, I think he means it. He made a joke about, “bathing in self-loathing,” but it makes his hair shiny, so he has that going for him. In context, it was hilarious, and I laughed. Since then, though, I’ve been a little worried.
Mostly, though, my problem is that I’m not sure how to respond to him. Should I just keep laughing, or should I address my concern?
Thanks,
College Friend
There’s usually a pretty clear demarcation between “self-depricating humor” and “making jokes so you’ll pity him”. Part of it is how he talks about himself when he’s not making jokes. Is he down on himself or generally negative about his life in general? Is he able to laugh at himself, or does he do that thing where he laughs, but it’s clear that the smiles don’t reach his eyes? Is he able to take a compliment without brushing it off or acting like you’re a crazy person for thinking he’s not a loathesome slug?
(And to be honest: the bit about making his hair shiny is pretty clever…)
If you’re especially worried, you can always tell him that sometimes his jokes don’t sound entirely like jokes. But on the whole, it sounds like he’s got a clever sense of humor, and appreciates that you get him.
Laughing along’s not a problem, as long as he understands that you’re laughing at his jokes, not at him. Telling him he’s funny/clever, etc. is a good way of separating the joke from the person. Reminding him of the things you like about him is also good. Unless he’s giving off the Eeyore signal or making a point of being desperate for approval, I think you’re ok enjoying his jokes.