All posts in Relationships

Shacking up: How to Move In Together (Without Killing Each Other).

by Dr. NerdLove on April 20, 2012 in Advice, Lifestyle, Relationships with 2 Comments
iStock_000017812626XSmall

Moving in together is one of the biggest milestones for a relationship; it’s up there with marriage and starting a family in terms of signs of commitment and investment. It’s also incredibly appealing – splitting the cost of living 50/50, hot and cold running sex whenever you want it, not having to maintain two households, the thrill of waking up with the man or woman you love in your arms… it’s almost enough to call your honey and tell ‘em to start packing their bags, isn’t it?

Of course any dream can turn into a nightmare without warning. You’re expecting the sort of cohabiting bliss that you normally only see in sitcoms from the 50s, but what you get instead is the roommate from hell. You don’t know who this obsessive-compulsive demon is and what he’s done with the guy you thought you were shacking up with. The awesome “bangin’-out-on-every-flat-surface-in-the-apartment” sex has turned into “Once a month if the stars are aligned perfectly and there’s nothing better on TV.” Every conversation is a fight about money, chores or how you spend your free time.

You’re just about ready to choke a motherfucker and hope that they technically qualify as a recyclable rather than having to wait for the bulk pick-up. Where did your happy fantasy disappear to?

The unavoidable truth is, moving in together will inevitably change your relationship. You’re going to be sharing more than just living space and expenses, you’re going to be sharing your lives. So if you’re going to make the big leap into living together, you might to make sure you’re going to do it right.

There aren’t any guarantees in life, but following these tips will help you avoid turning your domestic bliss into a single-bedroom nightmare.

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Your Guide to Picking Up Geek Guys

by Dr. NerdLove on April 6, 2012 in Dating, Relationships, The Basics with 83 Comments
"Don't say I love you, don't say I love you, don't say I love youohgodyousmellsogood..."

One of the most frequently asked questions I get on this blog is from women: “Do you have any advice for helping the girl trying to get the nerd?”

The cliche rejoinder of “Yes: show up” is a tempting (and frankly, obvious) response, but it does a real disservice to both men and women. As much as guys like to toss around the idea that women can get a date – or laid – without effort, if it were true, every single woman’s magazine out there wouldn’t be plastered with advice on how to catch, keep and please a man.

...and also lots of HORRIBLE sex advice.

When you’re a woman who’s into geek guys (or just a little geek-curious) the difficulties grow exponentially. Take the usual difficulties in meeting a man and throw in some painfully shy guys who’re used to rejection and mockery from the opposite sex and trying to win their hearts has gone from challenging to Nintendo hard, even when you already share a mutual love of Joss Whedon and retro video games.

Fortunately, you have Dr. NerdLove to guide you. Take it from a dyed-in-the-wool geek who’s seen and done just about every variation of the nerdy meet-cute you can come up with. I’ve been the guy who desperately wanted the girls to approach him and the one who’s done the approaching. So start taking notes and hold your questions until the end; if some of the advice seems a bit contradictory to what I’ve said elsewhere, just wait. There’re reasons for it.

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The “Intimidating” Woman

by Dr. NerdLove on April 2, 2012 in Communication, Dating, Relationships with 99 Comments
A man's most emasculating fear: That every other guy at the party has seen his girlfriend naked. Repeatedly

I want to introduce you to someone.

She’s in her early to mid 20s. She’s smart. She’s articulate. She’s pretty damn good looking. She’s well educated, with a rapier wit and a willingness to use it. She has a job she loves that pays good money, money that she likes to spend on her geeky hobbies and toys.

And don’t get me wrong, this isn’t someone looking for geeky attention or a propped up fantasy. She’s geeky to her Joss-Whedon-loving core, a Whovian, Vertigo-reading, 3rd edition D&D (none of that 4th ed crap thank you very much) gamer with the con stories to prove it.

She loves her some nerd boys. And she’s single.

In fact… she’s been single for a while now.

And not for a lack of trying, mind you. She’s done it all; dating sites, meeting guys at cons, the comic store, chatting up friends from class and at work. And yet, Friday still remains the most lonely night of the week when she sees all of the happy, laughing couples making plans, having romantic dinners and enjoying all the sex while she’s at home with Fringe on the DVR and a bottle of Malbec breathing in the kitchen.

Why?

Well, whenever she’s interested in a guy – a guy who’s worth her time, because what’s the point of having standards if she’s not going to stick to ‘em? – she hears the same thing over and over again:

“You’re too intimidating…”

Does this sound familiar to you?

It might. In fact, going by the number of emails I get from my readers, it’s the most common issue that geek (or geek-curious) women encounter when they’re interested in dating.

But “intimidating” is almost uselessly vague, especially if they keeps coming up; it covers a multitude of meanings to the point that it means everything and nothing at once. While it’s true that many men will use it as a polite dodge to avoid saying “I’m not attracted to you”, when it comes up over and over again, it’s a sign that maybe there’s more to it. If a woman keeps hearing from men that she’s “intimidating”, what is she supposed to do – besides start approaching men who have more self-confidence and fewer issues?

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The Madonna-Whore Complex and You

by Dr. NerdLove on March 30, 2012 in Be A Better Person, Communication, Relationships, Sexuality with 38 Comments
"You *know* we have the better parties too..."

Hey Jenny, Jenny
Why are you crying?
There’s a beauty of a moon in the sky
But I guess when you’ve been
leading such a sheltered life
You never lift your head and look so high

The process of getting better at dating and relationships – especially for men – is a tricky one. As much as men need to work to improve the practical aspects of their game – the ability to approach stranger, knowing how to flirt, the use of body language, even how to master the power of texting and phone calls – they also need to work on the mental aspects.

Earlier this week, we talked about self-limiting beliefs and how they can hold you back from the life you want. Today, we’re going to continue that conversation, dealing with one of the most distressingly common beliefs out there – one that actively affects women as much as men, distressingly enough.

We’re talking about the Madonna/Whore complex. You can see it manifested in pop culture – the virginal, even repressed “good girl” (usually a blonde) and the “fallen” femme fatale (usually a brunette) for whom sex is a weapon and men are merely tools are playthings. You see it in how men – and women – refer to women’s behavior and in how men treat the women in their lives.

And this belief is hurting everyone.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Hindsight is 20/20

by Dr. NerdLove on March 28, 2012 in Ask Dr. NerdLove, Dating, Relationships with 15 Comments

Let’s start this off with I screwed up… I screwed up massively.  I’m 23, I got married a year and half ago to a man from the US and I’m from Canada. The distance was always an issue but we made due. Meaning he lead me on to believe he was moving until 6 months ago. Then I began the prep work from me to move to him. He started ignoring me, literately no answer to texts, phones or messages. And being shoved away like that, I ended up doing the unthinkable. I cheated.

Then I made it even worse, I told my husband. So he completely ignored me. I ended up showing up at his doorstep. Everything was rocky. Good then bad, back and forth. Eventually, he decided that me being a week was enough time for us to try again, he wants to send me on my way to “see how he feels without me” Its been a month, I think that it should have been enough time to come to some answer.

On top of all this, the guy I cheated with wants some sort of relationship and I haven’t exactly made it clear that I don’t want that, but I have made it clear who comes first (My husband). So Dr. NerdLove… What the frig do I do?

The Other, Other Woman

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