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How to Hook Up At A Wedding

by Dr. NerdLove on May 4, 2012 in Advice, Sex, Skills with 8 Comments
"No, please, tell me more about your bunionectomy."

 

The beginning of May means that there’s more in the air than an increase of ragweed and oak pollen. The chirping of birds and wind rustling through the wildflowers slowly begins to mix with the sound of bells ringing, signaling the beginning of another season, one that men and women look forward to with a heady mixture of anticipation and dread: wedding season.

If you’re of a certain age, when spring rolls around, you often find that your social calendar has filled up with friends and relatives racing to tie the knot. Suddenly your weekends are filled with rented tuxes, complaints about bridesmaid’s dresses, rehearsal dinners, awkward toasts and – if you’re especially lucky – an open bar.

For some, weddings are a time for celebration, paying homage to the union of two souls who were lucky to find love. For others, it’s a time to celebrate being single… because weddings can be one of the greatest places to hook up with your fellow young-and-horny types. Weddings get emotions running high… and all sorts of endorphins and hormones that scream “MUST. FIND. SEX. NOW.”

If you know what you’re doing, not only will you have a better time at all of those weddings you have coming up… you’ll get lucky too.

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So You Want To Be Non-Monogamous…

by Dr. NerdLove on April 13, 2012 in Lifestyle, Sex, varsity level with 85 Comments
METAPHOR!

So today it’s time to talk about a tricky subject: monogamy.

We’ve talked about monogamy before and why it’s not our natural state, but it’s worth addressing again. Life – when stripped away of any philosophical or intellectual meaning or value – is solely about making sure that we survive long enough to spread our genes. Ideally, we hang in there long enough to ensure that our offspring live long enough to spread their genes even further, but once we’ve raised children to puberty our job as a living organism is technically done. Most of our biological drives are oriented towards that one goal. Males want to ensure the survival of their genes at the expense of their competitors; if it’s possible for them to con another male into raising their offspring, so much the better. Females also want to spread their genes; because the investment (and subsequent risk) is much higher, they will want someone who will help provide and support their child and those traits don’t always match up with the genetic traits that will her theoretical children survive. As a result, sometimes the father of the child isn’t necessarily the one raising it.

Our very bodies evolved with the idea of multiple sexual partners in mind. Scientists theorize that part of the point of a woman’s orgasm is the vocalizations it causes, which attract other men. Our entire reproductive system is designed with sperm-competition in mind. The penis’ flared head acts like a squeegie inside the vaginal canal, scraping out seminal fluid from a competitor. Men who believe that there is a chance that their partner has had sex with another man will actually produce a greater volume of ejaculate in order to flush out a competitor’s sperm. Hell, there have been studies that suggest that humans have goddamn hunter/killer sperm cells – ones that can’t actually penetrate the ovum but instead serve to block other people’s sperm like tiny Terminator linebackers.

An artist's concept.

Once again: this is strictly a strictly value-neutral observation. The fact that monogamy is not our natural state does not mean that monogamy is inherently bad or a poor choice, nor am I saying that it is one way or the other. What I am saying is that it’s goddamned difficult. Being monogamous means that you’re not having sex with other people, not that you don’t want to.

And for some people, monogamy is a poor choice, the sexual equivalent to trying to shove a bear into a tutu and trying to make it dance. It might work for a little while, but it’s all going to end in blood and tears.

So let’s say you’re one of those people who understands that they’re just not cut out for monogamy. Or perhaps you’re someone who has been happily monogamous for years but now you’re feeling the need for variety. Can you be non-monogamous without being an asshole who cheats on his or her significant other?

Yup. As long as you follow the rules.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: The Rule of Threesomes

by Dr. NerdLove on March 21, 2012 in Ask Dr. NerdLove, Sex, varsity level with 18 Comments

911!  Dear Doctor NerdLove,

I have been dating this guy for about 8 months now; our relationships is very honest and open. Sorry, I meant it WAS honest and open until 5days ago. We seemed to have such a strong relationship that we thought we were ready to have a three -some. Picking the right person is important so we talked about some candidates & one girl stood out from the rest. He wanted her, I didn’t mind but I was still thinking about it. Anyways, one morning I decided to get her number so that I can get to know her better, learn to trust her. He was in the shower and he always gives me permission to use his phone…

So knowing that my boyfriend texted her the other day (he told me he was texting her) I went into his messages to get her number..opened the message..and saw naked photos. Confused on how this happened, I decide to read the messages. She sent him a topless photo of herself, then she asked for a full nude photo of him; he replied with two (NOT ONE, TWO) nude photos. Then the messages stopped. I assume he sent two because he wanted more. Later that night I asked him about it and he had no excuse, understand that it was wrong, and that I have all the right to be angery. When I asked him if he was going to stop it or ever tell me about this he said” I never thought about. No, I wouldn’t of told you. I was kind of hiding it from you.”   

 Dr. NerdLove what do I do now? He knows I’m hurt and can’t trust him but is sextxting cheating? Should I end it? How can I work this out or trust him again? PLEASE throw me any advice I would appreciate it a lot.  

HOPELESSLY LOST –

One of Three

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Post Mortem: Boulevard of Bad Decisions

by Dr. NerdLove on March 2, 2012 in Advice, Sex, What Not To Do with 18 Comments
"Well that's 20 minutes I'm never getting back again..."

Today we have a treat for you: a new Post Mortem, and our first from a woman! Today’s examination is all about the one who got away, date gone disastrously wrong, and the series of poor choices that lead to where it all went wrong. And of course, the tough (Nerd)love to help ensure that the letter writer doesn’t make the same mistake again… even if that requires metaphorically smacking the stupid out of her.

Dear Doctor Nerdlove,

I really hope you can help me in time.

That’s never a good start…

Ok, so I’m going to *try* to keep this short,

Too late.

but it won’t be.

KNEW IT!

I’m a girl, I’m 24 and I just had my first one night stand – I think. I hope.

Um… unless roofies were somehow involved, usually it’s pretty easy to tell whether you’d had your first one-night stand or not…

Or, y'know. A few too many cosmos...

Since you’ve admitted to having some wild years, you’ve probably had your fair share of one night stands. I need help with the etiquette surrounding the situation. Specifically regarding the dude wanting more out of it then I do. I don’t know, but I’m freaking out a little and maybe it’s nothing, but I need some advice.

I’ve been doing the whole online dating thing for a couple of weeks now and it’s been fun. Messaging a bunch of guys, flirting, going on a couple of fun dates that went nowhere. Last night I had a date with a guy who was pretty boring in his emails, but also the hottest guy I’d been messaging. Good compromise, I thought.

You thought wrong, I’m guessing.

Your first mistake: assuming that looks were going to be a sufficient compromise for a personality. It’s tempting to throw standards to the wind when you have a shot at a Ryan Gosling look-alike, but if they have all of the intelligence or presence of a box of rocks, you’re going to find that those cheese-grater abs and dreamy brown eyes lose their luster pretty damn fast.

And he... wait, what was I saying?

 

The date was at night and I took the bus so I could drink.

Mistake #2: Not having a mode of transportation that you can access when you feel the need. It’s one thing if you live in a major metropolitan city with 24-hour mass-transit, but I can already see this going badly. “Oh no, you missed the last bus! Hey, maybe I should give you a lift home. Hey, wanna stop by my place first for a nightcap and visit to my dungeon?”

Also: considering that it’s your first date with someone you barely know, getting so drunk that you’d be unable to drive is a bad idea. It’s a bad idea in general (you don’t want to act the fool on a first date and risk ruining things) but it’s especially dangerous for women. Better to err on the side of sobriety than end up drunk with someone you really aren’t sure you could trust.

I already knew that *if* I was going to sleep with any of my dates on the first date, it would probably be him. I already had two shots at home, just for some Dutch courage. 

 

Pre-gaming a first date is a bad idea under the best of circumstances. Just sayin’.

(Important extra infomation: the dating thing is entirely new to me as I was a latebloomer and had my first boyfriend at 20. We dated for three years and I’ve been single for a year now. Up until I started online dating, I hadn’t even really thought about other men besides my ex. I am not over him in the slightest. He started dating again, so I figured I should too… Flirting with other men has definitely helped to distract me from my ex, but I’m still in love with him and his being with other girls breaks my heart…)

OK. First of all: actively dating – even some meaningless sex – is a great way to get over an ex. Keeping tabs on his dating life: not so good. This is part of why I advocate the Nuclear Option when it comes to break-ups; it’s admirable to want to remain friends after the break-up but you’re going to need time and perspective to heal. Having constant reminders that he or she has gotten over you or is moving on with your life is great… if you enjoy picking at scabs and making sure they never heal.

The last thing you want when you’re working to recover from a break-up is to be constantly deluged with jealousy and pain. Cut him out. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to get back in touch with him when you’ve actually managed to move on.

Performance Anxiety

by Dr. NerdLove on February 17, 2012 in Sex, Sexuality with 20 Comments
It kinda looks like this in your head.

Today we have a question that I think has wider applications than the standard Ask Dr. NerdLove. The letter writer in question has a number of issues and concerns that are actually incredibly common amongst men, and I feel that this is worth exploring in depth.

So let’s get started.

Hi Doc, I’m a big fan of your blog, and was wondering if you could offer me some words of advice, or at least some consolation.

I’m 33 and still a virgin.  I’ve had a few opportunities to have one-night stands in the past, but my problem is, I have serious performance issues.  I have a fairly low libido and do not develop spontaneous erections often, much less then the pressure of the spotlight is on me.  At a handful of times in my life, I could have gone all the way with a girl, but I get nervous in these cases, and I just don’t get hard.  It doesn’t help that when I was dating my only girlfriend (a girl I was not at all attracted to, physically or emotionally), we actually tried to go all the way and I couldn’t do it.  I really haven’t been able to get rid of the burden of shame and fear ever since.  Sometimes the thought just makes me ill.

I largely know the problem, though: an over-reliance on internet porn has largely compartmentalized my sexuality into “something I do by myself, in the privacy of my own home”.  I’m really trying to break this habit, but even when I go a week or more without masturbating, I don’t feel much of a change.  I definitely want real physical affection, even if I don’t need to get my rocks off immediately.  But is there any hope for me to actually perform for a woman some day?

Thanks,

Guy with Performance Anxiety

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