All posts in The Friend Zone

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have a situation that I’m looking for answers for and i hope you can help me out.

I meant this guy through my mom, he was college student completing his masters at the time. My intentions were only to become his friend, so my girlfriend and I hung out with him the first at the movie theater. He totally came off serious, very direct and nervous. I know other people including my girlfriend labeled him as a “serious-nerd”; however, I saw past that. In fact. I found him interesting to get to know and be around.

So I invited him to a cultural event in which he decided to attend with me. He enjoyed it! As weeks progressed we would continue to make plans together such as hanging out at cafe’s or checking out city attractions. I would always invite my girlfriend, so she started building a friendship with him too. So, I had thought it would be a good idea to have them hang out more often alone, so I would make arrangements to allow that. I had felt that my motive was good because they both communicated so well, and shared similar behavior and perspective toward health and fitness.

As weeks progressed, he would always offer his assistance such as taking me to work, picking me up for work-out sessions, take me to lunch, helping my family out during the time my mother had transportation problems, taking my mother to work @ 4 am in the morning, and not to mention less than 2 months in our friendship he helped me out pay for a bill. I was really surprised in how generous and caring he was for my mom and I.

This is where my suspicion kicks in, he brought up a conversation with me about my mom having us meet because she was hoping something romantic would evolve. This struck me with confusion and I felt slightly awkward because personally my mother would definitely confide in me if she’s playing matchmaker. I told him ” well we don’t really have things in common and that you are in a different stage in life, you have a lot going on in your life” (He started speaking very fast so I figured he was nervous) He told me: “We have things in common that’s why were friends if we didn’t we wouldn’t even be friends. I hope your not thinking of the stuff I did and think I’m hitting on you because I’m not.” I just reassured him that I like meeting my mom’s co-workers or friends. I know my answer was nonsense but I really didn’t know how to answer that at the time.

Since then, I have been thinking of that conversation and realized that I’m beginning to have feelings for him. He has done so much nice things for me, recently he took me out of town to a place I wanted to visit, he just spontaneously called me the next morning and asked to take me there so I went for it! I’m still learning how to read him, so I don’t know if he likes me more than a friend or just a generous friend who is trying to help out.
I know I’m oblivious to the signs of interest from a guy because personally I don’t have that much experience to begin with. So any advice or suggestions would be welcomed! I hope to hear from you soon!! ^_^

Continue reading “Ask Dr. NerdLove: Ask Him Out Already!” »

Sometimes the questions require longer answers. Sometimes they’re fairly simple, like today’s mix. Let’s go.

Doc,

Recently, I asked out a good friend of mine (let’s call her Sara) and genuinely thought that she was interested in a relationship. We talked almost every day and related really well. She said no, and later, another friend of mine who had talked to her said, “Would you rather have her reject you now or find out in two months that she only dated you out of pity?” Sara and I don’t talk anymore because it’s too awkward, even though we had a brief conversation that we were both fine and that it wasn’t a big deal. Should I give up on being friends with her?

Well the question comes down to two questions.

First: How strong is this friendship? Are the two of you willing and/or able to let this awkward moment pass without dwelling on it and letting it eventually becoming one of those fond memories you’ll laugh about years down the line?

Second: Are you honestly fine with having been rejected? Can you honestly continue being friends with her without constantly moping about what you could have had?

The second one is perhaps the most critical. Guys will frequently insist that they’re fine, even when they really aren’t. It’s part of the way guys are brought up; we’re not supposed to show emotions or vulnerability, so the last thing we want to do is admit to the person who rejected us that we’re hurting.

So be honest with yourself: are you really ok with just being friends? Will you honestly be able to watch her date other guys without letting the jealousy eat away at you? Are you hoping that if you stick it out, you’ll get a second shot? The last thing any friendship needs is an agenda. If you’re thinking of sticking around in the hopes that one day either she’ll come to love you or that you’ll wear her down, then you’re not really being her friend.

If the answer is a solid, honest yes to both, then you don’t have to give up being friends. Just realize it’s gonna take some time and distance for the awkwardness to fade.

Continue reading “Ask Dr. NerdLove: Short and Sweet” »