All posts in meeting women

Victims, Virgins and Player Haters: Adventures In the Man-O-Sphere

by Dr. NerdLove on May 11, 2012 in Be A Better Person, meeting women, The Internets with 131 Comments
"They're coming to get you, Bobby..."

It’s been an interesting few days here at NerdLove Industries. In an odd confluence of events, some friends of mine sent me links to various Men’s Rights blogs and Anti-Game groups about topics like “creep-shaming” and the idea of “female privilege”. At the same time, Paging Dr. NerdLove apparently found itself in the crosshairs of a couple of the anti-PUA crusaders and became the topic of conversation for a few days, especially over Don’t Be a Creeper.

There are groups like PUAHate which purports to be fighting back against the Pick-Up Community for all of it’s purported scams and rip-off artists. There have been attempts to flood the comments section with complaints about how society is biased against men, how women hold all the aces, how women are lazy because they demand that men approach them and I personally was contributing to the bias against the socially awkward.

Then there were were the fringes –  virgin theory and paleo-diet conspiracies, peans to the plight of the white male…

It’s been an interesting rabbit hole to fall down, let me tell you.

Now, the reason I’m bringing this up isn’t to make fun or shine a light on them and say “Hey, look at all the weirdos out there!”

Quite the opposite in fact. Y’see, I have a lot of sympathy for these guys.

Now, before you all start wondering if I’m about to join the Male-o-sphere and ranting about misandry about how feminism is actually everything that’s wrong with the world, let me explain.

Continue reading “Victims, Virgins and Player Haters: Adventures In the Man-O-Sphere” »

Conquer Approach Anxiety

by Dr. NerdLove on March 16, 2012 in Advice, Lifestyle, meeting women, Skills with 11 Comments
"So we were thinking of going to this wine bar later... would you like to join us?"

One of the hardest parts of meeting new people, for men and women, is that initial approach. Whether you’re in class, at the bar, hanging out at a party or at the bookstore, the idea of approaching that hottie you’ve had your eye on for a while sends shivers down your spine.

You take a step towards her, trying to figure out what you’re going to say. Your heart starts to pound. Your mouth goes dry as your palms start to sweat and your thoughts start racing. You manage to go through hundreds of worst-case scenarios in your mind, each worse than the last, in seconds. You freeze in place.

You’re suffering from approach anxiety. And it’s holding you back from meeting that hot girl or guy.

Approach anxiety is a particularly apt phrase created by the Pick-Up community to describe the feelings of anxiety and fear that we feel when we attempt to meet strangers that we’re attracted to. It covers the gamut from mild nervousness to full-blown panic at the very thought at trying to go up to an attractive man or woman and introduce ourselves.

It’s not terribly surprising that people suffer from approach anxiety. After all, you’re going up to someone – sometimes a complete stranger, sometimes someone you only know obliquely – a classmate, a regular customer, the hot barrista or store clerk – and trying to persuade them into being interested in you romantically and/or sexually. To the socially inexperienced, it can feel like you’re being judged, not just on what you have done at this specific moment but on everything that makes you who you are.

Approach anxiety is all about avoiding fear and conflict and how humans respond to fear stimulus. If you want to get over approach anxiety, you have to learn how to handle that fear and overcome it.

So let’s talk about just how you do that.

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Talk to Anyone, At Any Time.

by Dr. NerdLove on March 12, 2012 in Communication, meeting women, Talking To Women with 24 Comments
"No, y'see, I think Kierkegaard got it entirely wrong when he postulated that existence precedes essence. And did I mention that existentialism makes me incredibly horny?"

Most of you aren’t social enough.

Sorry. Didn’t really want to drop it on you cold, but there really isn’t any gentle way to go about it. I know that a number of you have been trying the exercises that I recommended for making talking to women a part of your daily lives, but there are far too many among you who linger in the fringes of a social gathering, hoping that there will be a chance to get the woman you like alone.

And let’s not talk about those of you who go to parties or bars and spend all of your time quietly nursing a drink, feeling awkward about the fact that you know barely anybody there. Because I know there are plenty of you too, little bundles of social awkwardness wishing that you were anywhere else and desperately hoping for someone you know to show up and rescue from this convivial hell.

Of course, there’s always the other solution. You could always start getting to know the people around you.

Look, cold hard truth time. You can’t just stick to talking to people you know or to the limited areas where you feel comfortable. You will have to make small-talk with strangers, whether it’s your girlfriend’s family or your fellow cubicle farmers at work. You don’t need to be the life of the party, but you do need to learn how to make small talk. Let’s be honest: whether you’re at a party, at a bar or killing time in line waiting for the show to start, nobody wants to talk to Johnny O’Sullen glowering by himself in the corner. They all much prefer the friendly, charming guy who seems to be genuinely interested in getting to know people.

So it’s time to start learning how to talk to anyone. 

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Dealing With Rejection

by Dr. NerdLove on February 27, 2012 in Advice, Dating, meeting women with 51 Comments
Mental note: next time I shouldn't hit on the girl carrying a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You..."

One of the biggest fears that a lot of men and women have when it comes to the dating scene is the fear getting rejected. Whether it’s summoning up the courage to go flirt with the cute girl at the party or finally mustering up the nerve to ask out the co-worker that you’ve been interested in for the longest time, fear of being rejected keeps most people from ever making that critical first step.

Notice very carefully that I said it’s the fear of getting rejected that holds people back. Much like  many other phobias, it’s the anticipation of rejection – more than the rejection itself –  that causes people to hesitate. The expectation of being rejected is so disturbing and present that many people won’t make any attempts at all in the face of everything they imagine will happen to them when (not if) they get shot down.

Now, it’s not terribly surprising that men fear rejection; after all, you feel as though your very existence is being judged. Being rejected can feel as though it’s a response to you as a person rather than a reaction to the circumstance or situation. You feel humiliated. You feel like not only did everybody just watch you get shot down, but they’re all enjoying watching you being put back in your place. Now news of your failure is spreading like wildfire through your entire community, leaving you emotionally stranded as an object of ridicule who will never, ever be able to ask someone else out successfully ever again.

The only thing left to do is to quit your job, burn your house down and move to a new city.

Of course, what you imagine is far worse than the reality by orders of magnitude, but being rejected still sucks. However, it doesn’t have to be the apocalyptic event that you’ve built up in your mind. With the right mindset, rejection can even help you in the long run!

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Post Mortem: Lonely Soldier Girl

by Dr. NerdLove on November 24, 2011 in meeting women, Pick-Up / Meeting Girls, What Not To Do with 12 Comments
Lonely Soldier Girl

It’s time for another Post Mortem, where we take a look at reader’s recent dates or relationships and pinpoint just what went wrong and why. This time, however, it’s the good Doctor who’s getting his time on the examination table.

Yup, we’re going to dissect one of the dating misadventures from my past, look at what I did right, all the things I did horribly wrong and just how I might have recovered from things. And let me tell you, there were mistakes a plenty to be had here. Certain details have been changed to protect the innocent1 and keep the guilty2 from being sued into oblivion.

Incidentally, this is why I frequently recommend that you document your approaches with women, whether you’re coming in cold with a stranger or making a “warm” approach with someone you already have a social connection with; being able to look over what happened with a critical eye can help you pinpoint the areas where you’re having problems. You can’t fix your trouble spots if you don’t know what they are in the first place.

But I digress. I give you the case of the Lonely Soldier Girl.

Continue reading “Post Mortem: Lonely Soldier Girl” »

  1. i.e. anyone who isn’t me [↩]
  2. me [↩]
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