All posts in Communication

Why Women Flake (And How To Stop It)

by Dr. NerdLove on April 23, 2012 in Communication, Dating, Talking To Women with 32 Comments
"OK, I'm giving her just ONE more hour and that's IT."

How many times have you been doing well with a woman you’d just met only to have it fizzle out the next day with no warning? In the moment, everything was amazing; you were flirting back and forth, you got her number and the promise of getting together later. By all rights it should be all systems go for getting a date that weekend. Instead, it’s all last minute cancellations and radio silence. That first time you asked her out ended with “Sounds great, call me the day of, ok?”. The day of, it was “Oh I’m so sorry, but I’m actually busy today. Maybe next time?” Then… nothing. Your texts get one or two word answers. Your voice mails are never being returned. You’re shouting impotently into the void, hoping for an answer.

She flaked on you. Sucks, don’t it?

Unfortunately, flaking is a common occurrence when you’re dating, especially when you’re building your skills. It’s incredibly frustrating because it can feel as though it came out of nowhere – you were doing everything right and then suddenly you hit that wall of silence. So what can you do about it? Well, to start with, let’s examine why women flake… and then how we can prevent flakes from happening1 . Continue reading “Why Women Flake (And How To Stop It)” »

  1. Let’s get the Head and Shoulders jokes out of the way now, shall we? [↩]

The “Intimidating” Woman

by Dr. NerdLove on April 2, 2012 in Communication, Dating, Relationships with 99 Comments
A man's most emasculating fear: That every other guy at the party has seen his girlfriend naked. Repeatedly

I want to introduce you to someone.

She’s in her early to mid 20s. She’s smart. She’s articulate. She’s pretty damn good looking. She’s well educated, with a rapier wit and a willingness to use it. She has a job she loves that pays good money, money that she likes to spend on her geeky hobbies and toys.

And don’t get me wrong, this isn’t someone looking for geeky attention or a propped up fantasy. She’s geeky to her Joss-Whedon-loving core, a Whovian, Vertigo-reading, 3rd edition D&D (none of that 4th ed crap thank you very much) gamer with the con stories to prove it.

She loves her some nerd boys. And she’s single.

In fact… she’s been single for a while now.

And not for a lack of trying, mind you. She’s done it all; dating sites, meeting guys at cons, the comic store, chatting up friends from class and at work. And yet, Friday still remains the most lonely night of the week when she sees all of the happy, laughing couples making plans, having romantic dinners and enjoying all the sex while she’s at home with Fringe on the DVR and a bottle of Malbec breathing in the kitchen.

Why?

Well, whenever she’s interested in a guy – a guy who’s worth her time, because what’s the point of having standards if she’s not going to stick to ‘em? – she hears the same thing over and over again:

“You’re too intimidating…”

Does this sound familiar to you?

It might. In fact, going by the number of emails I get from my readers, it’s the most common issue that geek (or geek-curious) women encounter when they’re interested in dating.

But “intimidating” is almost uselessly vague, especially if they keeps coming up; it covers a multitude of meanings to the point that it means everything and nothing at once. While it’s true that many men will use it as a polite dodge to avoid saying “I’m not attracted to you”, when it comes up over and over again, it’s a sign that maybe there’s more to it. If a woman keeps hearing from men that she’s “intimidating”, what is she supposed to do – besides start approaching men who have more self-confidence and fewer issues?

Continue reading “The “Intimidating” Woman” »

The Madonna-Whore Complex and You

by Dr. NerdLove on March 30, 2012 in Be A Better Person, Communication, Relationships, Sexuality with 38 Comments
"You *know* we have the better parties too..."

Hey Jenny, Jenny
Why are you crying?
There’s a beauty of a moon in the sky
But I guess when you’ve been
leading such a sheltered life
You never lift your head and look so high

The process of getting better at dating and relationships – especially for men – is a tricky one. As much as men need to work to improve the practical aspects of their game – the ability to approach stranger, knowing how to flirt, the use of body language, even how to master the power of texting and phone calls – they also need to work on the mental aspects.

Earlier this week, we talked about self-limiting beliefs and how they can hold you back from the life you want. Today, we’re going to continue that conversation, dealing with one of the most distressingly common beliefs out there – one that actively affects women as much as men, distressingly enough.

We’re talking about the Madonna/Whore complex. You can see it manifested in pop culture – the virginal, even repressed “good girl” (usually a blonde) and the “fallen” femme fatale (usually a brunette) for whom sex is a weapon and men are merely tools are playthings. You see it in how men – and women – refer to women’s behavior and in how men treat the women in their lives.

And this belief is hurting everyone.

Continue reading “The Madonna-Whore Complex and You” »

How to Argue With Your Girlfriend (Without Ruining Everything)

by Dr. NerdLove on March 23, 2012 in Be A Better Person, Communication, Relationships with 22 Comments
"Your back is hairier than a sasquatch!" "YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!"

Every relationship has what’s known as “The Honeymoon Period”. During this point in time, everything is amazing. The world beams at you with benificence. . Every morning cartoon birds fly in through your window to make you breakfast while fat happy mice serenade the two of you. Life is a grand adventure with you and your partner who is such a Perfect Being that he or she farts rainbows and candyfloss.

She does, however, have a hard time with identification.

 

She doesn’t have flaws, she has idiosyncrasies. His snoring and propensity to get distracted by whatever shiny object flits within his field of vision isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.  And every single person in this stage of the relationship will inevitably say those same three words:

“We never fight.”

You might as well say “I’ll be right back” or “What else could go wrong?”, for as we all know, the Universe is powered by irony and saying “We never fight” is more or less the karmic equivalent of climbing a mountain top and shouting “GOD HAS SHITTY AIM!” at the top of your lungs.

The gods don't care for smart-asses.

Inevitably the happy new relationship fog fades and reality rears it’s ugly head and those little cute quirks aren’t cute anymore and you have The Fight, and suddenly the happy couple is questioning whether they were even supposed to be together in the first place.

Arguments and fights are an inevitable part of relationships. Fighting isn’t a sign that things are wrong, nor is not fighting an indication that your relationship is perfect. However, if you don’t know how to argue properly, you do risk doing damage to the relationship… or worse, being cut off from sex for who knows how long.

If you’re going to fight, you have to know how to argue correctly. This ain’t ‘Nam, Smokey, there’re rules. To arguing. ((Just to forestall the inevitable comment thread, we’ve all seen that Monty Python sketch thank you very much.))

Continue reading “How to Argue With Your Girlfriend (Without Ruining Everything)” »

Talk to Anyone, At Any Time.

by Dr. NerdLove on March 12, 2012 in Communication, meeting women, Talking To Women with 24 Comments
"No, y'see, I think Kierkegaard got it entirely wrong when he postulated that existence precedes essence. And did I mention that existentialism makes me incredibly horny?"

Most of you aren’t social enough.

Sorry. Didn’t really want to drop it on you cold, but there really isn’t any gentle way to go about it. I know that a number of you have been trying the exercises that I recommended for making talking to women a part of your daily lives, but there are far too many among you who linger in the fringes of a social gathering, hoping that there will be a chance to get the woman you like alone.

And let’s not talk about those of you who go to parties or bars and spend all of your time quietly nursing a drink, feeling awkward about the fact that you know barely anybody there. Because I know there are plenty of you too, little bundles of social awkwardness wishing that you were anywhere else and desperately hoping for someone you know to show up and rescue from this convivial hell.

Of course, there’s always the other solution. You could always start getting to know the people around you.

Look, cold hard truth time. You can’t just stick to talking to people you know or to the limited areas where you feel comfortable. You will have to make small-talk with strangers, whether it’s your girlfriend’s family or your fellow cubicle farmers at work. You don’t need to be the life of the party, but you do need to learn how to make small talk. Let’s be honest: whether you’re at a party, at a bar or killing time in line waiting for the show to start, nobody wants to talk to Johnny O’Sullen glowering by himself in the corner. They all much prefer the friendly, charming guy who seems to be genuinely interested in getting to know people.

So it’s time to start learning how to talk to anyone. 

Continue reading “Talk to Anyone, At Any Time.” »

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