Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
A few months ago, I dated this girl named Katherine. She she was a fantastic person, and she made me smile everyday… that is, until she dumped me a month later. She still wanted to be friends, and so did I. Unfortunately, I quickly learned that that wasn’t the smartest option. It was very hard being her friend when I knew that she had no feelings for me. I didn’t know what to do about it, so I just let it be. This went on for several weeks before I listened to your Dr. Nerdlove Segment on the LEOG. In it, you suggested that people in my situation “burn it to the ground (i.e. get rid of them on Facebook, address book, etc.)”. After a few weeks of feeling like shit, I finally decided that I’d had enough. I whipped out my phone, logged on to Facebook, yelled “VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!”, and deleted everything. I wasn’t sure how this would turn out, but after a few weeks, I noticed that it helped quite a bit. I was thinking about her less, which made my days feel much less morose. Life was good.
Now here’s where things get a bit tricky: about a week ago, she sent me a Facebook message asking why I deleted her from Facebook. I decided to be honest with her and wrote a long message saying that we couldn’t be friends because I was still in the process of getting over her. She still hasn’t responded, so I assume she got the message. The first part of my question is this: did I do the right thing by breaking off contact with her and was it smart to be honest with her?
Now, here’s the second part of my question. Tomorrow, I’ll be going to the park with some friends for a scheduled game of Ultimate Frisbee. I checked the Facebook event and Katherine is currently listed as “Maybe Attending”. This wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t send that message explaining my current situation. Now I’m worried that things will be a bit awkward tomorrow. How do I talk to her after sending that long message?
One last thing; if after all of this, she shows signs of interest again, should I go for it, or turn her away in order to complete my spiritual healing? This is a bit of a corny question, but I thought it was worth asking nonetheless.
It’s very simple: you have feelings for her. She doesn’t have feelings for you. Being friends with her is ultimately going to be profoundly awkward for the both of you; You’re going to want to get back together with her, she’s going to want to sleep with other people. These two desires rarely work out well for everyone involved. Unless you have a cuckolding fetish, anyway, but that’s another matter for another time.
So to answer your first question: yes, you did the right thing in telling her why you didn’t want to be friends. Since I’m assuming she’s not an idiot or has profoundly unrealistic expectations of what people are capable of, she has to realize that you still have feelings for her. Now, whether she understands how awkard that would make things is another matter; there are women who genuinely don’t understand how most men are unable to compartmentalize themselves and genuinely do want to be friends afterwards. There are others who like keeping their exes around for a variety of reasons: In Case Of Lack-Of-Dick Emergency, walking emotional tampons, the occasional Bitchasaurus Rex who just likes manipulating people. From the sounds of it, your ex is more the former and she seems to have understood why you needed to cut all ties.
With time (generally half the length of the relationship + 1 month) and perspective – and hopefully sex with other people – you may, may be able to be friends again. But that’s not right now.
As to your second question: if talking with her is inevitable, then you just talk. You should be polite and slightly distant and be willing to take any opportunity to walk away. If she wants to talk about what happened… well, that’s neither the time nor the place for it. And resist the temptation to make a date to talk about things. It’s still far too soon and neither of you are in any position to be rational about it.
And finally: I wouldn’t worry about it too much. The odds of her suddenly deciding she’s made a huge mistake are small; not non-existant but so small as to be close enough for jazz. And should the stars align and she really does want to get back together with you? You were together for a month – barely any time at all, relationship-wise – and you’ve been barely been broken up for as long. The likelihood that things would work out for the better a second time is wishful thinking at best. Again: time and perspective are your friends here. You’d be better off focusing on yourself for now.