Hey Dr. NerdLove!
I found your website when I was searching the phrase “when to DTR.” I’ve been reading some articles and ADNL, and decided to contact you with a question of my own.
I am in a relatively new relationship. Some context: We’ve been seeing each other for about a month now, 2-3 times a week depending on our schedules. We text every day, just to check in with each other. We’ve established that we want to keep seeing one another, but haven’t had the DTR talk just yet. Things are moving in the direction that I want, and he seems to be right there with me.
Here’s the issue: Being the very open and typically communicative person that I am, we had a talk about sex and our likes/dislikes before we even had sex. This is because of the fact that, despite being 26 and having had numerous partners, I’ve never been able to have an orgasm. Not alone, and especially not with a partner. Past sexual abuse and an emotionally manipulative partner have made it seemingly impossible to reach that point. I’ve been 100% honest about this with every partner I’ve had, so I told him as well.
As is typical, my guy is pretty confident that he can help me overcome this issue, but he isn’t the first guy I’ve been with to feel that way. I told him that I enjoy sex a lot, despite not being able to get there, and that I’m completely happy with our sex life (we’ve only had sex twice as of yet). He seems pretty into the idea that he could potentially be the first guy to help me orgasm, and is excited to try all the things ever to find what puts me over the edge.
I’m afraid that if it doesn’t happen, he’ll decide that the relationship isn’t worth it anymore. I’m developing some genuine feelings for him, and feel incredibly comfortable with him, but I’m almost positive that he won’t be able to help me orgasm. It’s just something I can’t do. How do I have this conversation with him without making him feel like he sucks in bed and isn’t doing it for me? Because that isn’t the case at all!
Sincerely,
Wants To, But Can’t
OK, before I get to your question, WTBC, I want to run down some stuff about sex and the female orgasm. Sex ed in the United States is an unmitigated disaster and a truly upsetting number of people get most of their ideas about what sex is supposed to be like from porn. In porn world, everybody is orgasmic, frequently as soon as Studly Good Night sticks his peenor in. In reality, most women – upwards of 80% – don’t or can’t orgasm from penetration alone and require direct, sustained clitoral stimulation. Despite this, guys tend to think that orgasms only count if they come from penetration because that’s what they’ve seen in porn.
Then there are women – somewhere between 10% – 15% – who are anorgasmic; that is, they simply can’t achieve climax after “sufficient” sexual stimulation. Now, there’s any number of reasons things that can be the cause here from issues surrounding nerve endings to scar tissue, to hormone levels to psychological blocks, but the point remains: some women can’t orgasm, either at all or without massive amounts of time and effort.
Now, this doesn’t mean that these women don’t enjoy sex; it’s certainly possible for women to enjoy the excitement and intimacy and sensations of sex even if it doesn’t necessarily put them over the edge. However, it does mean that orgasms may just be off the table… and that can cause problems that people might not expect.
Getting back to your question now…
The biggest issue here WTBC is that you’re going to be running up against the male ego. Like your previous lovers, your boyfriend heard your problems with anorgasmia and thought “Challenge accepted.” Pretty much every guy likes to think he’s got the Magic Penis that’s going to solve all of his lovers’ problems and bring her to the heights of ecstasy like nobody else ever has. And while on the surface it can be sweet to be that concerned with your partner’s sexual pleasure, that gets considerably less sweet it isn’t about you so much as it is about his magical fuck powers.
As you said: you enjoy sex, even without orgasms. But sex becomes considerably less enjoyable when your partner is focused like a laser on his ability to get you off. Even the most well-meaning partner can become a tedious boor (and bore) when he’s putting pressure on you to perform and thus validate his Enchanted Peen. And of course if he can’t get you there, then there’s the distinct possibility of his getting frustrated and angry at you for not following the rules of Enchanted Peen.
So part of how you head this off at the pass is to have a very frank conversation with him about your situation. You may want to tell him about the nature of your condition, any treatments you’ve undergone and that it’s a medical issue. Putting it in terms of medicine and science might help him realize that it’s not about having a partner who just tried harder and take the pressure off of him to be The One.
Explain to him that you enjoy sex and you enjoy the sex you’re having with him, but for you sex just isn’t about orgasms. You can certainly try some things to see if that’s what finally gets you off, but you don’t want that to distract you both from the point of sex, which is the intimacy and mutual pleasure that the two of you have.
You may be tempted to fake an orgasm or two just to get him to feel like he’s accomplished something. That’s going to be a bad idea; at best, it’s going to convince him of something that didn’t actually happen and make him feel worse if/when he discovers the truth. At worst… well that’s gonna solidify some habits in his technique that will end up becoming a tedious part of sex with the two of you and you’ll have to put on that performance more and more often or risk his learning the truth.
So be honest with him, WTBC. Tell him what you enjoy about the sex you’re having and how it makes you feel. Let him know that your sex life can be about more than just what gets you off. Just make sure he knows he doesn’t need to flip your lid to be a great lover.
Good luck.
Dear Dr NerdLove
Back in June of 2015 I got in contact with an old girlfriend and found out she was in an mentally abusive relationship not only that but she was not the girl I knew when we were dating. The positive happy girl I knew was replaced with a depression filled no self esteem women that couldn’t even look me in the eye let alone talk above a whisper. I should point out she had contacted me on Facebook and that we had broken up on equal terms so no hate was on ether side.
I had decided at the time I had to get her out after learning what she was going through and it felt like she just needed someone to give her the push she needed to get out. After about week of talking to her I finally got her to move home and we were dating again. It just seemed to happen on its own. As time went on I started noticing that she would have panic attack over nothing and that she couldn’t go a day without a joint and that she seemed to get me to do anything. And didn’t want to be anywhere without me she was always texting me and was clear that she had a rough mental beat down from her last boyfriend.
It’s now over a year later and she seems to be a bit better but she still clings to me like I’m going to leave any moment and never wants to do anything without me there and she seems to think everyone hates her. I have convinced her to seek help but at the same time I worry that I am doing more harm then good by just letting her use me as a crutch. I love her to death and don’t want to leave her but at the same time I feel like she’s never going to be able to get her self esteem and function in the real world if I don’t leave because she just comes to me to fix things when things go wrong. What’s the right thing to do? Is there a right thing to do?
Sincerely Failing White Knight
Here’s an example of the consequences of being a White Knight that usually doesn’t come up when we talk about these issues, SFWK: you end up with a problem you can’t actually fix. Outside of the questionable issues surrounding trying to “save” someone you want to date, when people do need help, you’re usually not the one who can give it to them. Your ex was in a bad place, to be sure, and it’s good that she got out… but the problem is you basically pushed her out of one unhealthy relationship and straight into another one.
Don’t get me wrong: that doesn’t mean that you’re abusive. However, you are filling a similar role as her ex did: the Man her life revolves around. Leaping straight from her abuser to you means that she hasn’t had any time to process what happened to her, to recognize that she likely has emotional scarring and PTSD from her experience. That’s shit that takes time to process, and that’s usually best done without the complicating issues of entering into a new relationship.
This also puts stress on you too because you now have someone you care about, who requires help and care that you aren’t trained to give. You’re not a trained counselor or therapist. You almost don’t have the experience or resources to help her or to recognize the strain that’s going to take on you. The toll that caring for a person with mental or physical issues takes on the caregiver is something that we rarely talk about, but it’s very real. You’ll have your own problems too; trying to maintain your own emotional health while helping her with hers is going to be burning the candle at both ends. It doesn’t do any good to help her at the cost of your own health.
She’s starting to get help, which is good. What I would suggest is that both of you see a counselor together, in addition to her seeing somebody on her own. This will not only help her process that she doesn’t need to rely on you so much, but give you some much-needed help as well. Seeing a counselor will give you both the words and techniques for handling your issues together and how you can head off some of the issues you’re dealing with before they become too much for the both of you.
If her counselor doesn’t know anyone, then you can find a couple’s counselor through the AASECT referral directory.
And regardless of how this relationship ends up, remember next time not to treat somebody’s need for help as an opportunity to try to start a relationship with them.
Good luck.