Long time listener, first time writing yada yada.. I need your advice about girls and sex things.
I’m a 24 year old guy. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I just shared a 4 year anniversary with, but for the past 9 – 12 months her sex drive has been basically non existent.
I’ll openly admit to having a high sex drive, and paired with hers this isn’t making me the most cheerful guy every day of the week, but I love her very much and want to make her happy. So I deal. I also know that burying this shit isn’t great, so we’ve talked in the past about why hers has dampened and not gotten a lot of progress – she doesnt know and can’t think of any real reason what it could be. No contraceptive chemistry reasons, no dramatic events and I haven’t gotten crazy fat / ugly either. I usually initiate 100% of the time, but I have tried approaches like backing off completely, giving her space and hoping she’d initiate anything and it was over 2 weeks before she brought up that “there must be something up with me because I wasn’t interested in her”.
On top of this, It’s not just the physical stuff. She doesn’t want to flirt either and though I’ve really tried to be spontaneous in stuff that isn’t bedroom related, I always feel I hit a brick wall. Despite this, we’ve talked and I truly believe her feelings towards me haven’t changed and she still loves me the same.. this is just some disconnect that’s happening.
Buckle up kiddos, because whilst I wish it was less complicated that’s only half of my issue. Whether these halves are related or not I can’t say for sure, but here goes.
I have developed a huge crush on my gf’s best friend. I’ve known her for years and I’ve always found her very attractive, but for about 3 months now I’ve done nothing but think about her. Every day. Before then I always viewed her as someone who I’d sleep with in a heartbeat if I was single, but I’m not so.. it just wasn’t an issue.
Full disclosure, we have always openly flirted. All THREE of us. Which, whilst its always been clear that nothing said has really been serious, part of me always hoped I was gonna get very lucky if ya know what I mean. This is something my girlfriend is very aware that I’ve always wanted, and to me she’s always been the first choice.
I view myself as a pretty logical guy, so I’ve thought about this from a few angles (being a reader of yours, I get that lust still happens regardless of if my brain knows I’m in a relationship or not). Whilst she’s gorgeous, we wouldn’t be compatible when it comes to dating, and a few aspects of her personality don’t match with me so like I said, up until recently it just wasn’t an issue. Relationship wise, I’m well aware she doesn’t hold a candle to what I have with my girlfriend.
But now it is an issue. How do I get it to stop thinking about her. Its been 3+ straight months. I love my gf and I don’t want to be dealing with this.
What can I do? The last girl I had romantic feelings for whilst with my current girlfriend I simply cut contact with when it passed the point of “just something in the background”. I can’t cut contact with this one.. I end up seeing her whenever my gf does – and she’s not my friend to cut contact with in the first place. Another weird feeling which I haven’t had time to process yet: tonight, as I am writing this to you, I literally just learnt the best friend has a new man in her life, and whilst her usual choices are mostly pretty scummy, this guy sounds like he’s pretty legit. I find myself consumed in both jealousy and depression that it’s not me… And that isn’t healthy for my relationship.
Way way tl:dr; Girlfriend has no sex / flirt drive which leaves me feeling pretty sexually unwanted. This has probably led to me falling deeply in lust/love with her best friend.
How do I fix both?!
Please help. I’ll take anything you got.
Unwanted thoughts.. and body
OK, UTAB, let’s take this from the top. And the topline is simple: you can have your girlfriend, or you can cheat. You can’t have both. Now, while my general stance is that not all infidelities are equal, this isn’t a case of “impaired judgement and shit happened.” This is a pre-meditated infidelity under circumstances that frankly, don’t really make the cut for “well, I can understand why…”
So before you do anything drastic, let’s break this down. There’re two things you need to do here.
First: you and your girlfriend need to drill down as to what’s going on with her sex life. Generally speaking, sexual desire doesn’t just straight up disappear for no reason; there’s almost always a cause. It could be boredom, it could be a desire for sexual novelty, it could be a medical issue, an emotional issue… or it could be she simply isn’t into you. The problem here is that “loss of libido” is a symptom for so many issues that it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to diagnose right off the bat. Especially if you’re just a loudmouth with a blog who is not a doctor.
Now, the fact that she’s quit being flirty at all… well, I have my suspicions and I’d want to know more before I’d say anything. My first question would be for your girlfriend: how does she feel about her loss of her sex drive? Does it bother her, or is sex now something she could take or leave? That alone will be a pretty strong indication of where she is. If she just doesn’t really care about sex any more and isn’t terribly motivated to get her mojo back, then that’s going to mean you two will have to make some decisions about the nature of your relationship. If it’s something that bothers her, then it’s probably not a bad idea to talk to her doctor first to rule out medical issues. And a thing to keep in mind: if it’s an issue of boredom, poor sexual compatibility or lack of attraction – for whatever reason – it may be that she doesn’t feel comfortable or that she has the space within your relationship to say so. It may well be a good idea for the both of you to talk to a sex-positive relationship counselor; the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists website can help you find someone in your area.
Now, as for your girlfriend’s BFF?
Unlike in porn, going for your girlfriend’s best friend tends to be a phenomenally bad idea. Like crossing-the-streams bad. Yes, you three have been flirting and your girlfriend’s cool with that. But that flirting has been a) under the accepted knowledge that it’s playful flirting without intent and b) in the context of your girlfriend being there. This doesn’t mean that her best friend would be interested in letting you into her Room of Requirement, nor does it mean that she necessarily wants to flirt with you independently from your current dynamic. Similarly, I rather suspect that if your girlfriend found out that you and her best friend had been flirting, she would have a very different reaction. Is it possible that she’d approve? Technically, yes, it’s possible. The likelihood is so damn remote that I’m not sure they make numbers that could express the concept properly, but it’s technically possible.
But unless you two have a long series of discussions about ethical non-monogamy, I don’t think that’s here nor there. Making a play for her best friend is almost certainly going to blow up in your face, regardless of whether the best friend is into you or not. You will, in all likelihood, end up destroying your relationship with your girlfriend and her relationship with her friend.
You don’t need that karma.
So what do you do in the meantime?
You don’t need to cut out the best friend. Hell, fantasize about the best friend all you want, as long as it stays strictly between your ears. But when you think that things are getting so bad that taking a swing at her is a good idea, you jerk off first. You keep your balls drained so that you don’t go do something stupid. The great joke of the universe is that humans tend to have enough blood to run their brains or their genitals at optimum performance, not both… so we tend to make bad decisions when we’re horny. You’re on that verge right now. Get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga Fliphole, some lube and release some of those frustrations while you and your girlfriend try to sort things out.
Hi Doc! Been following your posts recently, very interesting and I like your point of view, because you tend to see all angles and don’t miss details. Congratulations! So for this reason I decided to text you. My question is easy, but needs context, obviously. I’m not a native speaker so hopefully this makes sense.
I was with a foreign girl that was living in my city and, more specifically, at my place for some months. We were starting something. We did not get to talk about it but all the signs were there: confidence, sex, some kind of compromise… Suddenly, on a trip with more people, she had sex with another one and I told her that it hurt me because I thought we were into something. She did not thought we were into something and, despite seeing me in pain, decided to go with this boy a second time… and a third one… Lying me to get to him, but I caught them. I felt not respected and hurt as she keep doing it after having told her the situation. After that trip, I told her to leave my home but, somehow, she stayed after talking a lot and using the proper words. And we talked about us and she wanted me only as a friend. But despite what happened, I was still hooked and so into her that I was unable to just say “goodbye” at that time. I did not want to be his friend, despite that I accepted her option, just to be with her. In my home… After all that happened…
The story then was long: somehow, we became again to be like a couple. We started to live like before the trip, because I let she did that to myself (at least now I think so), despite having talked that we were only friends. I thought something was going on and that maybe, sometime, somehow, this could work (I even laugh about it now). But I started to detect some abusing tactics on her side, thanks to my intuition, to my friends and thanks to reading some good sites like yours, which was very helpful. I just ignored them, because I wanted to be with her. But some signs were so red that they even burnt.
After two months she had to leave to her country for summer, promising to be back at autumn. We kept talking by chat and I decided to visit her. Some timezones later, I arrived there and found she had a boyfriend and she did not tell me… So I was bad again. We talked a lot and she told me that she loved him and wanted to be with him. Also, she told me that she wanted to live in my country, not hers, and his new boyfriend did not want, and that she was going to do it despite of the decision of his boyfriend. So I went back home again with the hopes that she would come alone, and that our history could possibly work.
We kept talking. I just tried to be his friend, don’t know why really. And one day she wrote me if I could help her to find a place for she and his boyfriend in my city, because they were coming. So, my hopes shattered. Luckily, but at that time did not felt so. At that time, I felt bad and shocked but, fortunately, that day I started to heal and forget about her. But… and there’s always some “but”… I accepted to help them.
So she arrived first and we were together two weeks, helping her find a place. Of course, she lived with me (notice the self-sarcasm). These were, obviously, the worst two weeks. Lots of arguments, cryings and all this stuff. Finally he came and they moved, but I let her left some things at my place (in case I haven’t had enough). I went for a long trip, completely out of all that bullshit. I even got to knew a very interesting girl in that trip. So, when I got back, I felt some kind of healed. So I thought I could just back to talk to her / them like some kind of friend. So we kept seeing each other but… I felt bad, I could not handle it. And I give it a fourth or fifth try. I was basically the one who was not respecting myself at this point.
One good day, they left to their country again and we say goodbye as “friends”, not forever. They planned to come next year, at some point, so she and I kept connected through chat, but our conversations were very few and she started arguments with me for stupid things that I even laughed about. Ah! This one is good also: some of her things were still at my place. I accepted to have them at home until they came back.
So one clear day in this summer, so far away from this bullshit and after lots of thinking, I decided to apply “the nuclear solution” and blocked her in all forms. I only sent her a message saying where her things are now (in a safe place, I moved them there) and that she can go for them at any moment. Of course, she’s trying to reach me but I’ve blocked all.
My question is a little strange, maybe: I feel bad because I haven’t explained her why I’m leaving. So I feel the need to send a small explanation (small) without resentment, because I think every person in this world deserves an explanation of what happens. So, my question is: do you think that I need to send her this accurate farewell note? Does she deserve it? I feel the need to send it, but also think that it is not needed and that, at some point, maybe may be worse.
Once Bitten, Twice Shy
A man walks into the doctor’s office and says “Doc, it hurts when I go like this.”
The doctor says “So stop doing that.”
You’re going like this. You need to stop going like that.
This woman has proven that she’s fundamentally bad for you. Whether she’s malicious, self-involved or just so out of tune with society that she doesn’t understand, every time you get in contact with her, you get hurt. While God knows I’ve certainly had women in my life I went back to knowing damn good and well it was a stupid idea, this is starting to reach the level of self-flagellation with you. Even now, after you’ve done what you very decidedly should have done long ago, you’re looking for an excuse to get back in contact with her.
But let’s put that aside for a second. Let me just ask you: in an idea world, what would you hope would be the result of you explaining to her why you’ve cut her off? Are you hoping that she’ll realize she was wrong and your cutting her off will lead her to mend her ways and be a better person? Or – and be honest with me here – are you hoping that maybe this will be what finally brings her back to you?
I ask this because, realistically? Her behavior gives every indication that she won’t give a shit. She’s hurt you repeatedly. She’s lied to you repeatedly. She’s ignored your wishes and your boundaries. While it’s very noble that you’ve forgiven her, compromised with her and tried to help her over and over again, all that you’re doing is throwing yourself into the buzzsaw that is this woman over and over again.
So no. She doesn’t need an explanation. She doesn’t really deserve one. You’ve got to do what’s healthiest for you and that means keeping her out of your life. You chose the nuclear option for a reason.
Stop going like that and it’ll stop hurting.