A large number of the emails I get for Ask Dr. NerdLove, both here and at Kotaku start off the same way: “I’ve never had a girlfriend”. Many my readers have a lot of anxiety over finding their first relationship. In fact, many feel that they’re essentially doomed because they’ve never seriously¹ dated anyone before. They see the large gap in their relationship resume as a glaring, unmissable flaw, as though asking somebody out were applying for a job.

Others worry that, due to their lack of experience, their first relationship will be doomed because they won’t know how to handle it.

Here’s a secret though: all relationships are functionally like a first relationship. Every relationship is a matter of getting to know the other person, making your lifestyles and expectations mesh, learning how to tolerate each other’s little quirks etc. The only difference is that people who’ve had other relationships have the experience to guide them through the rough patches.

That first relationship can be tricky because you’re basically groping in the dark. My first serious relationship was full of avoidable mistakes and disasters that one might charitably call “learning experiences” because I had no fucking clue what I was doing.

But that’s why I’m here: to help you navigate through the complex, twisted and often scary world of first relationships so that hopefully you can avoid the most common mistakes. That way you can make new and different mistakes.

But all joking aside: here are 5 things I wish I’d known before my first relationship…

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1. for suitably variable definitions of “serious” [↩]