Doc, I’ll get to the point: I feel like a loser.
In addition to student loans, a bad credit score, not being able to drive properly, living with my overbearing mother, I’m bitter over being single and rejected.
Yeah I know its my fault. I’m almost 23 and Ive never had a girlfriend. I was fat and had self esteem issues and mostly didn’t care in high school so I didn’t start asking out girls till late in college. One girl from HS, I told her on Facebook I had a crush on her, she blocked me. Three years ago I asked out this girl I had a crush on in college but I asked her out over email, then in person, got the I’m busy, I didn’t know till later that “busy” means no.
I tried to stay friendly with her on Facebook she blocked me. I tried to confront her she tells me don’t talk to her.
I admit I needed better game, I could have dressed better, should have been slimmer, probably creeped her out but I went through 5 stages of grief with ongoing periods or regret, resentment and bitterness.
As selfish as it sounds, I was angry because I felt like my feelings didn’t matter. And of course they didn’t, she had the right to say no and I had the right to ask. But I still felt like a loser.
Since then I have asked out and have been rejected by at least 370 women, if you include computer dating maybe 410 and I have had 6 coffee dates. But the rejection from this girl from college still weighs on me.
I had to see her every day at school, my heart and my stomach would ache, I saw how she’d avoid me when I walked into a room. I saw the guy she was dating (and is now married to); I don’t know him personally but he is about an inch or two taller than me (Im 6ft 4) and he actually looks sort of looks like me.
Sometimes I felt so angry I felt like beating her up (thought); other times I would stew over this and everything else. Sometimes I’ve thought about suicide. No, I’m not suicidal, Im just angry.
I already know dwelling on the past won’t help, nothing I do will change anything that happened yesterday, I shouldn’t be a victim since I’m free and educated and able bodied, but it just feels like all my efforts to change go in vain. I work out, lost weight, I travel, I even went to France to get a Master’s degree and met people abroad. But Im still the same bitter, depressed angry person that hates his life. Even though I lost 100 pounds I feel worse now than ever before.
How do I break this cycle?