I have a bit of a complication and I was hoping that the good doctor might help me out. I’ve never considered myself a creeper, or ‘that guy’. I’m a geek yes, a nerd even, hell I make a living drawing cartoons. I’m not a virgin, and I don’t have a confidence issue talking with girls or knowing when not to. What I do have is an image issue, or rather what I perceive as one.
As you may have guessed by the title I don’t wear pants. I wear a variety of Utility Kilts, mixed in with tank tops, tattoos, and mid back length hair. I like my look, but I feel that it’s getting in the way of me charming a girl if they think I’m a metal head before I get a word in edgewise. Perhaps I’m not looking in the right places? Should I change the look I am happy with to increase my chances of getting a date or should I keep the kilted image and hope there’s a girl out there who’s not put off by it?
Before I get to your question, a quick clarification for those who may not know: UtiliKilts are modern versions of the Scottish kilt, usually made out of khaki. Unlike traditional kilts, utilikilts have pockets and are designed as a sort of alternative to cargo pants. You can see them frequently at Renaissance fairs, DragonCon, music festivals, days ending in “y” in Austin, and Burning Man.
Now as for you, sir: I don’t think the girl is getting as far as thinking you’re a metalhead before she’s decided whether or not she’s interested in you. She probably didn’t get much past the fact that you’re wearing a kilt. Hell, she may not have gotten past your having long hair.
You have a very idiosyncratic look, and I’m sure it matches your personality well. You have an awesome job and you seem like a cool guy. But your style choices deviate fairly far from the norm, which is inherently going to restrict you when it comes to meeting women. Your style is part of a very specific and relatively small subgroup and that is going to influence the results you have with women who aren’t part of that subgroup. People can be shallow, and we like being around people who resemble us. As I’ve said before, if you’re after a particular type of girl, if you don’t look like you belong in her world – or your world is one she wouldn’t necessarily want to be part of – it’s going to be difficult. So you have a decision to make.
Now, I’m not saying you should change your look. If you’re happy with it and you’re into women who’re more likely to be into your look (try Burning Man and similar festivals, perhaps) then more power to you. If you’re finding yourself frustrated by women’s reaction to you, you may want to modify your look somewhat. The rocker look – think vintage Keith Richards or Joe Strummer – might work well for you, maintain the same level of expression you want and help you find women who won’t be as instantly distracted by your kilt.
And as an aside: I’ve known a guy who used to wear his utilikilt to strip clubs. It made him one of the most popular guys there amongst the dancers as they would all come up to check to see whether he was wearing his kilt “properly”. Just sayin’.
I’ve got kind of a sticky wicket. I imagine you get a lot of questions about how to get girls, but I’m gay so I’m hoping that your advice can be… transexual.
First of all I am trying to keep someone in the friendzone. Second, I don’t know if I’m misreading the tea leaves.
Here is the backstory. I am in high-school and I have a friend who I believe likes me. He will be obsessed with things I seem to take a mild interest in, sometimes within hours. It could be anything from music to video games to even buying a Mac the day after I bought one. I don’t believe he is doing this to brag but it seems a little more then just having the same interests as me. The reason I have not just confronted him is that his family is Catholic and kind of hate gay people. Now my parents are the only people who know I am gay and are fine with it. But my parents are friends of the other guy’s parents and I don’t want to ruin that friendship. So i am just wondering, do I confront him and take the risk of everyone at my school finding out or do I just kind of let him tell me when or if he is ready?
Ps: Unfortunately, the one good school in the area is a Catholic one, so I am the one non-Catholic kid there; that is the only reason I wouldnt want my sexuality out there.
The Friend Zone: not just for girls any more!
So are you sure that your friend is actually into you? Whether he’s gay or not, it sounds to me a little like he has something of a man-crush on you and wants to be more like you than necessarily being into you. Think of it like the tiny bulldog that would always follow Spike around in the Looney Toons cartoons. “What’re we doing today Spike? Huh? Huh? What’re we doing today?” Depending on how he’s handling things, it could just be that he’s a little poorly socialized and he’s trying to be your friend by having more in common with you. Either way, I can see how that would be annoying before the question of one’s sexuality got involved.
Fortunately, you don’t have to bring sexual orientation – yours or his – into the mix. Just take him aside and say “Hey, listen, I’m flattered that you’re into some of the things I am, but I’m starting to feel like I’ve got my own Single White Female going on here. Is something up?” If he decides to confess his feelings, then you basically should be kind but blunt about how you feel; it’s up to you whether you want to let him know you’re gay too. Either way, hopefully he’ll take the hint to back off a little bit.
Good luck.