Hi Doc,
I have a problem I sincerely hope you can help with, because it’s been a problem that I just can’t seem to fix. I’m a girl of the nerdy persuasion. I am heavy into tabletop RPG and video games, I love sci-fi, and I’m fairly introverted. Making new friends is very, very difficult for me. I have a lot of mental blocks and get very anxious very easily, especially around guys.
I’m not asking for romantic advise. I’m in a very happy, committed relationship with an awesome dude. Come to think of it, the fact that I’m not looking for a romantic connection is the entire problem.
See, I would like to make friends with people who like the same things I like, that is to say Nerdy Things. The nerd scene being what it is, most of those people happen to be dudes. And… Well, there’s no nice way to say this… I guess I’m just not good at making my intentions clear. Every time I overcome my anxiety and strike up a conversation (usually in a nerdy environment, the FLGS or a con or such) it becomes very obvious that they think I’m flirting, when that really isn’t my intention. I usually just say something along the lines of “Oh, you like Stargate/Alan Moore/Deadlands? Cool, me too!”, just your standard opening gambits, and it all goes to shit from there.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of nerd rage. I’ve been accused of deliberately “friendzoning” people (I guess I did, since I wanted to make friends?), I’ve been kicked out of gaming groups for “causing drama” when all I did was… you know, be there, I’ve had angry lectures about guys who are sick of “putting up with my cockteasing” and one guy turned full-on stalker… But those are the extreme cases. Mostly it’s the disappointment that makes me so very, very sad. “Oh, you want to be friends… well, that’s okay too, I guess, if I MUST…”
I’ve tried a lot of different things to remedy this:
- Opening the conversation with a variation of “Oh, you like Firefly too? Cool! By the way I have a boyfriend!” This did not work out well for me.
- Avoiding all body language that could be construed as flirty (to the point where I avoided eye contact and smiling), but that just made me come across as surly and aloof.
- Making friends through my fiancee. That works, sort of, but they’re kind of HIS friends who also hang out with me. They’re cool people, I like them, but I would really like the satisfaction of making a friend of my very own, on my own merits, no letter of recommendation required.
- Trying to make female friends. Worked, once, but didn’t last. There aren’t many geek girls to begin with (it’s not a problem that’s exclusive to geek boys at all), and there’s this awkward atmosphere of competition that makes me really uncomfortable. Plus, most geek girls I do meet tend to be heavy into manga and anime, something I have absolutely no passion for.
- Wearing my engagement ring. Works, on the whole, but it feels like a band-aid solution. Clearly I’m doing something wrong, and wearing my Token of Ownership isn’t going to fix that.
So none of that really worked, and after about a decade of trying, I’m still friendless and sad about it. It’s gotten to the point where I’m scared to even try without a battle plan. So how do I make nerdy friends? How do I talk to nerd boys without coming across as flirty? Most of all, how can I avoid that disappointment when they find out I’m just looking for some buddies to play boardgames with and not anything romantic? I really think my friendship would be a cool thing to have. It really hurts when people are disappointed when I offer it.
Many thanks,
Frustrated and Friendless
Your dilemma is actually very common amongst nerd women: it can be difficult to make platonic friends when so many nerdboys divide geek girls into unattainable goddesses or cock-teasing fakes.
Now, here’s the thing to keep in mind: this is their problem, not yours.
Normally I fall to the side of “sometimes the only common denominator is you” when it comes to recurring problems, but knowing nerdboys as I do… well, I’m going to have to make an exception. Now, I don’t know you, and without surreptitiously watching you interact with these dudes I can’t say that you’re not being flirty without being aware of it, I can’t say definitively how much you may do that sends mixed signals. Maybe the effort that it takes to overcome your anxiety causes you to overcompensate in the other direction and you come across stronger than you intend. Maybe once you’ve gotten past the first hurdle – stomach-clenching nervousness – you’re so eager to make friends that you may be giving the impression that you’re actually looking for more than just friends.
But having seen this particular breed of drama play out over and over again (including having been the dumbass who couldn’t take a hint more times than I care to count), I have to say that some nerd boys are very determined to see things how they wish they were.
It is not your fault when dudes go out of their way – and they will – to ignore the signs that you’re not interested, that you’re happily taken and that you’re just looking for friends, because they’re busy playing the fantasy of having a Geek Girlfriend playing through their heads. The filter in their brains tells them that your lack of attraction to them can be worn down. That nervousness that springs from your social anxiety? That’s “actually” nerves at being around a guy that you like.1 You have a boyfriend – especially if he isn’t a fellow nerd or part of that circle means that is just a matter of waiting until that jerk breaks your heart and Nerd Romeo is there to pick up the pieces… and nerds in love can be very patient indeed. ((Ever want to see a friend-zoned nerd go nuts? Tell him you’re getting married. Cue the “…I thought I’d have more time!” lamentations)) Being your friend means that you’re bound to realize just how “nice” they are and fall for them – cue the theme from Dragonheart and the Vaseline-smeared lens.
And when they don’t, they get to scream at you for being a cockteasing bitchwhore and then go online where they will pour their heart out on Reddit or Tumblr and get lots of asspats and “I know that feel bro”s that will further validate that they are the heroes of this little drama and you’re to blame for leading him on like that.
So yeah: the problem is that they’re refusing to see you as a person and they’re treating a genuine friendship as though it were the booby prize instead of something awesome. This is their damage.
Tale as old as time, etc.
So how does one navigate these admittedly tricky waters?
To start with: work on that anxiety about meeting new people. I realize this sounds like a flip answer and that I’m ignoring the difficulty of overcoming issues like that, but I’m being completely serious. If you can get to a place where you don’t feel your stomach tie itself into knots at the thought of meeting new people, the whole process will go much easier – and hopefully with fewer false pings on the nerd love sonar.
Unless you’re remarkably touchy-feely or a hugger, I doubt you have to tone down the body language. I might recommend against much in the way of physical contact (touching someone for emphasis, for example), but again: you’re dealing with people who may well not have loads of social experience and they’re mistaking “nice” for “flirting”. This can be annoying, but it’s not your responsibility to change your behavior to avoid their fantasies, especially since they’re often determined to see anything you do as a sign you like them. Nerds love to think they’re proto Sherlock’s, analyzing every single thing you do from the tone of voice to the position of your fingers for signs that you’re really into them.
Depending on what circles you run in, there may be more geeky women than you realize. Some tend to be on the down-low because of the whole “fake geek girl” bullshit while others may just not be part of the groups you’ve been hanging out with. Geeky women who are gamers tend to be more about online RPGs these days than tabletop, but they do exist. You might want to look and see if there are knitting groups in your area.
No, I’m not kidding. There’s a lot of crossover between younger knitters and geeks; knitting is, after all, engineering with yarn. Similarly, you may want to see about craft groups or the maker/DIY subculture. There are a lot of women involved, and most of them are pretty hardcore geeks.
And hey, just because you don’t share the same passions with some of the geek women you meet doesn’t mean that you can’t have a sort of cultural exchange. Offer to introduce them to Dr. Who and Sandman if they can recommend a manga or a series you might like.
(Personally, I’d recommend you give Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex or Gankutsuo a shot…)
For dealing with guys… well, the flip answer is “befriend guys with girlfriends or wives” or “find the more mature geeks”, but that’s not really helpful, now is it? What you want is for these dudes to realize you’re a) a person and b) not on the market. While I don’t necessarily advocate using your boyfriend as a prop, having him around when you’re first meeting people or bringing him in early on can help establish his existence more concretely than when he’s just an abstract (and thus ignorable) concept. You’re still going to get a few dedicated “what’s your man got to do with me?” types, but with luck those guys will get the hint early on and move the hell on.
But the longer, less satisfying answer is: keep looking. You can’t regulate what’s going on in a dude’s head, no matter how much you try. If it helps ease your anxiety to have some rules in place, I would say:
- Avoid offering to meet at either your place or theirs. If you’re inviting people to play boardgames, invade a coffeehouse or see if your local gaming shop has a space for tabletop games. If you’re having a gaming get-together, make it multiple people, and have your boyfriend around.
- Maintain some physical space between you and the guy you’re talking to. Standing closer or sitting right next to them can feel more intimate.
- Establish your relationship early, but not in the “I have a boyfriend so don’t get any ideas” sense. Just dropping his existence into the conversation (“Yeah, I’ve been getting my boyfriend into Stargate after I told him Jason Momoa was in Atlantis…”) should help
- Be direct. This means that if you’re starting to get crush vibes from someone, or they start to hint at a future for the two of you, shut them down firmly. This means no equivocating, soft language or worrying about sparing their feelings. “Look, I’m starting to get some weird vibes from you and I just want to make sure you understand: I’m interested in making friends and that’s it. I’ve got a boyfriend I love to death and all I’m looking for are cool people to play boardgames with and complain about what’s been happening to Community.”
But these are more for your comfort rather than a surefire way to keep guys from getting the wrong idea. Some folks are going to convince themselves that you’re a potential girlfriend no matter what you do. The best you can do is learn to recognize the trouble signs early on and nip them in the bud as quickly as possible.
There are nerdy guys out there who don’t see friendship as the second rate substitute for banging, who understand that sometimes a smile is just a smile and not an invitation to woo you. You may have to dig a little for them, and some of them may have awkward crushes at first that they eventually get over.
As for the engagement ring… frankly I don’t see it as a bandage or a stop-gap solution. If wearing it is what it takes to make these would-be beaus slow the fuck down and see you as a person instead of the princess at the end of the dungeon, then by God wear it! Some folks need to have reality slapped upside their head before they understand maybe a shiny rock is what it takes to get them past any initial awkward infatuation and into a genuine friendship.
Good luck!
Have you had problems with making friends with nerd guys? Have you found the secret to keeping it strictly platonic? Share your tips and stories in the comments!
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