911! Dear Doctor NerdLove,
I have been dating this guy for about 8 months now; our relationships is very honest and open. Sorry, I meant it WAS honest and open until 5days ago. We seemed to have such a strong relationship that we thought we were ready to have a three -some. Picking the right person is important so we talked about some candidates & one girl stood out from the rest. He wanted her, I didn’t mind but I was still thinking about it. Anyways, one morning I decided to get her number so that I can get to know her better, learn to trust her. He was in the shower and he always gives me permission to use his phone…
So knowing that my boyfriend texted her the other day (he told me he was texting her) I went into his messages to get her number..opened the message..and saw naked photos. Confused on how this happened, I decide to read the messages. She sent him a topless photo of herself, then she asked for a full nude photo of him; he replied with two (NOT ONE, TWO) nude photos. Then the messages stopped. I assume he sent two because he wanted more. Later that night I asked him about it and he had no excuse, understand that it was wrong, and that I have all the right to be angery. When I asked him if he was going to stop it or ever tell me about this he said” I never thought about. No, I wouldn’t of told you. I was kind of hiding it from you.”
Dr. NerdLove what do I do now? He knows I’m hurt and can’t trust him but is sextxting cheating? Should I end it? How can I work this out or trust him again? PLEASE throw me any advice I would appreciate it a lot.
HOPELESSLY LOST –
One of Three
Hoo boy. You decided to go skip straight into the complex stuff don’t you?
I hadn’t been planning on writing about threesomes for quite some time because it’s varsity level sex and frankly it’s the last thing that people who’re still wrestling with approach anxiety and confidence issues should be worrying about. After all you need to learn to run before you walk.
Wait. Strike that. Reverse it.
But since you’ve brought it up One, let’s talk about about the rule of threesomes.
Rule One: You Must Have Trust
Sex is a tricksy and emotional beast under the best of circumstances, even when there aren’t any strings attached. When you’re used to sexual exclusivity and are experimenting with opening it up a little… well, then it has the potential to get really ugly. I’ll be the first to tell you that I have a nuanced view of monogamy: it’s not our default mode of operation, and that means that monogamy is incredibly goddamn difficult. When you’re bringing another person into your formerly exclusive relationship, whether as a guest star or as junior partner, you are opening yourself up to risk, both physical and emotional. You risk greater exposure to disease, you risk potential danger to your person and you risk damage to the relationship itself. After all, one of the greatest fears that surrounds threesomes is that somebody is going to like the guest more than his or her partner, or that they might try to pursue a relationship outside of the threesome.
So the very first rule of threesomes is that you have to trust your partner completely, and they have to trust you completely as well. You should either be damned secure in your emotional commitment to each other, or be on the same page when it comes to your beliefs about sex and sexual fidelity. You also have to be able to trust each other’s judgement and behavior. This means being absolutely above board with everything. Full disclosure is paramount; no communications that both partners aren’t fully aware of – if not participating in. No secrets; secrets are the antithesis of trust in cases like these.
Rule Two: You Must Have Respect
Respect is an equally important part of a successful threesome. Not just respect for each other, but for one another’s limits. Not everyone is going to be cool with watching their partner indulge in sexual intimacy with someone else; men and women both have been known to be squicked out by watching someone else’s mouth or genitals go in places that had previously been their exclusive domain. In practice, this means that not everybody is going to be comfortable with the same level of interaction. Limits on what’s permissible with the guest will vary from couple to couple; some will restrict contact to touching and oral sex – no penetration. Others may allow for penetration, but forbid kissing as too intimate.
The rule of thumb for determining where the line is drawn is simple: whomever has the greater reservations gets to set the limits. If your boyfriend isn’t cool on seeing another man have penetrative sex with you, then he gets to take that off the table. If your girlfriend can’t stand to see you kiss another woman but is ok with watching you rail her from behind, then kissing is verboten. It’s up to both parties to respect those limitations. Trying to wheedle your way out of them or to push the limits until the other person just gives in – or worse, just going for it and trying to blame it on the heat of the moment – is an excellent way of not only damaging the relationship but also ruining any chances of having those limits lifted… or ever having another threesome again for that matter.
By the way, this also means that unless you have specifically agreed to this in advance, your significant other gets the lion’s share of the attention. She or he is first in everything, including sexual satisfaction. The existing relationship takes priority over everything else. Period.
In addition, however, you have to respect your third. In an ideal world, you could have a threesome and afterwards your third would disappear into a puff of post-coital satisfaction, never to threaten the emotional bonds or sexual security of the relationship. But since reality isn’t scripted by Brazzers, you have to deal with the reality of the fact that your third is actually a person and not a fantasy.
This means that you don’t treat them like a used condom or sex toy afterwards by trying to dispose of them (i.e. hustle them out the door as quickly as possible) after sex. Even if their involvement was a one-time thing arranged by Craigslist, you owe them their dignity and – there’s that word again – respect. If you want someone who will happily vanish after sex, hire an escort for your third.
This isn’t a joke, by the way. In fact that ties into the third rule:
Rule 3: You Will Be Realistic
Look, I know that most couples who’re interested in threesomes tend to have the idea that you’ll just find someone and threesomes will just… happen. But since we’re still not dealing with Earth-Vivid, if you want to make a threesome happen, you’re going to have to make an active effort in recruiting your third. Where you’re going to find one is going to depend on your expectations and willingness to put in the work of finding and – more importantly – screening candidates.
To be perfectly honest, I’m not the biggest fan of trying to arrange threesomes via Craigslist or dating sites. In fact, I know that a sizable majority of bi-identified women on online dating sites would appreciate if you’d stop hitting them up for three-ways. You run too much risk, even if you’re the type to do full on background searches and credit checks. The best partners for threesomes tend to be either friendly (and interested) exes, close friends… or professionals.
Again: No, I’m not joking. If you’re interested in as uncomplicated a threesome as you can find, an escort is likely your best bet. Do your research via Google – there are a surprising number of resources out there, including review sites, etiquette guides and tips to ensure that you aren’t going to get ripped off. Regardless of how you may feel morally about sex work, an escort isn’t going to be a threat to the relationship – hell, they won’t be interested in being a threat – and has a vested interest in your satisfaction (they will always appreciate cultivating repeat customers) and mutual safety (for obvious reasons). They are going to be about as close as you can get to someone who will vanish into the ether after sex until we get those holodecks working.
Rule 4: Safety First. Safety Always.
Obviously, screening for loonies is a must, but that’s not what I mean.
Condoms. Condoms. Condoms. Condoms now. Condoms forever.
This is important: you will use condoms. You will use a new condom every time you switch between partners, regardless of whether anyone ejaculated or not. No exceptions. Ever.
But Back To Your Question:
Now that I’ve hijacked your question to write a seperate column, let’s look at your situation.
First: let’s be fair here: things weren’t as honest and open as they’re presented, were they? You you had some reservations to begin with; you didn’t know the girl nor did you trust her. But you didn’t bring these up to your boyfriend. Instead, you basically snuck in to use his phone without his knowledge. Yes, he has given you permission before… but had he given you blanket permission or just let you use his phone on individual occasions? Be honest now. Going through his texts without his knowledge – he was in the shower and you don’t say that you asked to borrow his phone this time – sounds like snooping to me, even if it’s wrapped up in the most innocent of intentions. You were going behind his back… only to find out that he’d gone around yours first. So you’re both well in violation of Rule #1.
The fact that he was trading in pics and planning to keep it secret from you… well, that’s breaking both Rules #1 and #2.
None of this is a sign of a healthy relationship full of trust and openness, frankly.
On the plus side: I don’t think that your threesome was ever actually going to happen. I think you got suckered in by someone – most likely a guy – who wanted to collect pics of your boyfriend. They got what they wanted – nudes of your guy – and that’s why contact stopped. Mission accomplished, no point in keeping up the facade any longer. Craigslist is rife with picture collectors; it’s one of the biggest complaints people have about the adult ads section, in fact.
Now, is sexting cheating? Well, that depends on your definition of “cheating”. It’s certainly sketchy behavior, but there are plenty of people who get off on the exhibitionistic aspect of sexting without actually intending for things to go farther. Some people like the sexually charged atmosphere that it brings and take that energy and apply it to their relationships. For others, it’s a semi-interactive method of finding porn; the thrill of interacting with another person without actually crossing the line into “real” infidelity.
Should you end it with him?
Yes.
To be perfectly honest, I think you overestimated your relationship and the true level of honesty and openness. Your boyfriend was certainly not being aboveboard with you with his communication with the other woman, and deep down I don’t think you trusted him either. I also think you rushed into things faster than you were actually ready for and got burned as a result. Unless you’re the sort of person who is into threesomes already, 8 months is pretty damn early to be stress-testing the relationship.
Break up with him. Find a new guy, one that you actually trust and is worthy of yours and take your time before leaping headlong into the sexual deep-end.
Good luck.