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Let It Build
I can’t emphasize this enough: take your time.
Too many men will try to rush straight for sex, and it will end up being their downfall. If you push too hard too quickly, even with a woman who was planning to have sex, you will end up breaking the mood and she’ll be out the door before you realize what’s happening.
Instead, you need to let the sexual tension grow. Let each little progression of intimacy build on the next. A woman is more than lips, nipples and a vagina, so don’t aim straight for them. If you’re kissing, then don’t just reach under her shirt for her breasts; kiss her neck instead, trace your fingers along the side of her face as you kiss her, run your hands down her back or thighs. Once you get the tension started, it will start to grow and feed upon itself, until it snowballs into the point of no return. There’s absolutely nothing to gain from rushing and everything to lose. Arousing her now means that you are less likely to be refused when you decide to move her from the couch to the bedroom.
Stop And Go
One of the most important parts of seduction is understanding when to stop.
In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to want to tap the breaks, especially when you’re hearing “we should probably stop” rather than “let’s stop”. In fact, there was a point where to me, “We should probably stop” sounded an awful lot like “convince me I don’t want to stop”. And to be fair: sometimes that’s exactly what she was saying. However, there were more times when that “probably” meant “I want to stop but I don’t want to upset you by being direct”; women are often socialized to be indirect and less assertive than men and will at times frame a refusal or a request to stop or slow down as something other than a direct “no”… and you need to be willing to listen.
If you reach a point that she objects to, up to and including being inside her, then you stop and take a step back to something she was ok with… and you are completely cool with this. I cannot emphasize this enough: you are always absolutely fine with pulling back or coming to a full halt. You can try again a little later. She will let you know through her words and actions when a little persistance is ok and when it isn’t… so assume that it isn’t unless otherwise stated.
If she wants to stop, you are absolutely ok with it. You don’t argue, whine, wheedle or ask why. Nobody has ever argued or debated their way into a woman’s pants, and trying to do so just makes you look pathetic. The only acceptable response is “I understand,” and you immediately move on to something non-sexual. Turn up the lights, pull up your pants and do something else… without removing intimacy. You aren’t trying to shame or pressure her into sex by freezing her out, you’re trying to make her more comfortable. Pulling away – refusing to talk to her or otherwise shunning her is a supreme dick move; it’s coercive, it’s manipulative and it’s an attempt to play upon her the social contract and her insecurities in order to get what you want. It should be completely clear that you aren’t frustrated; you want to keep spending time with her, you want to have sex with her, but more importantly, you want her to be comfortable with you. So you’re dialing things back so that she’s more comfortable. When she’s ready, either she will re-establish the mood, or she’ll indicate that she wants you to start again. When she does, then progress slowly to where she wanted you to stop before. If she wants you to stop again, you stop again.
Yes, it can be difficult, especially when it feels like the finish line1 is within reach. Yeah, blue-balls can hurt. If you’re so horny that you can’t think straight, slip off to the bathroom and rub one out so you can calm the hell down.
There is no reason to feel frustrated; if things have gotten to this point, then she will sleep with you eventually. You can only hurt yourself when you’re in a hurry.
Take The Lead
I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: leadership is sexy. You are going to be expected to be in charge – to the limits that she allows – so you need to be willing to take responsibility. When making out on the couch has reached the point that it’s time to take things to your bed, you don’t ask or verbalize; take her by the hand and lead her to your room. Once there, make yourself clear: you want to have sex… but only if you get an explicit and enthusiastic “yes” from her. If she’s less than enthusiastic, if she’s saying “…I guess” or is half-heartedly agreeing, then you’re not having sex.
Also: remember that you are not restricted or required to the upper limits of the level of intimacy that she will allow; just as she isn’t obligated to have sex with you, you aren’t obligated to build yourself up to a level of frustration. You can pull back to just making out, to just cuddling or even pass on doing anything that evening… just so long as you’re not pushing her away as a means of punishing her or trying to guilt her into sex. Once again, you don’t want to imply or infer that you’re angry, annoyed or frustrated; you should explain that just doing X with her will leave you frustrated and you’d really rather wait until she feels more comfortable with you. It’s not all or nothing; you do not try to manipulate her or guilt her into sex and you certainly don’t act as though you are somehow owed penetration, a blow job or some other form of release. You just don’t want to rush her and you are patient enough to wait.
Don’t Forget To Stick The Landing
Just because you’ve slept together, it doesn’t mean that your job is done with handing her a towel when the afterglow fades. The last thing you want to do is just kick her out of your place like some jerk; all you’ll do is guarantee that you’ll never see her again. Instead, you are going to follow her lead; letting her stay the night should be implicit, but if she indicates that she isn’t sure if she’s allowed, then you make the offer. She may decide to stay. She may decide she’d rather sleep in her own bed. Either way, you are cool with it.
Whether she stays the night or goes home, you call the next day. Not a text. Not an e-mail. Not a voice mail. You call her and tell her that you had a great time. You’ve shared body fluids, you owe a phone call.
It’s the little things that make the differences between a night to remember and a missed opportunity. Once you understand the art of seduction, you’ll have the confidence and the knowledge to make the right moves.
(Doctor’s Note 03/27/13: In retrospect I’ve come to recognize that some of the advice I gave was a little sketchy. I’ve since updated the article to fix this.)
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