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It’s About More Than Just Sex
The difference between the Madonna and the Whore goes beyond just sexual expression. The division of “good girl” from “bad girl” covers societal codes for behavior as well. The Good Girl is submissive. She doesn’t act too forward or aggressive for fear of offending others. She’s quiet. She goes along to get along. The Bad Girl, on the other hand, is a bitch. She’s brassy. She’s loud. She stands her ground or even pushes for more. She makes a fuss.
She acts more masculine.
A woman who acts too male, too much like The Whore – who enjoys a masculine sense of sexuality – is punished and reviled. The more feminine Madonna is adored because of her submissiveness.
How The Madonna/Whore Complex Affects Men
You’ve been nothing but an angel
Every day of your life
And now you wonder what
it’s like to be damned
As bad as the division of female sexuality is in general, it also takes it’s toll on relationships.
Men – especially men who have little to no experience in sexual relationships – often have a hard time with the concept that women are sexual beings. Or, for that matter, that women enjoy – or even want – sex as much as men do. The belief that women aren’t sexual beings – or that only certain women are – leads to difficulty not only relating to their potential girlfriends and wives on a sexual level, but it can make it difficult for men to know when or how to escalate sexually. These men may be intimidated by the fact that she may be more sexually experienced than him, making him feel as though he is the inferior partner in the relationship.
Other men have a hard time relating to a woman for whom sexuality is an integrated part of her personality. The idea that men want “a lady in the street and a whore in the bedroom” springs from this dichotomy. The sexual woman – the Whore – is for him and him alone and the woman shouldn’t give a single hint that this sexual side exists outside of his immediate control.
The division of female sexuality makes it difficult for many men to properly appreciate his partner as a fully sexual person. Many men have issues with the separation of sex from love. Love is to be reserved for the “good” girl, the one you bring home to mother… the girl who is “marriage material”. Sex, on the other hand, is reserved for the “bad” girl, the one who excites you, the one you can’t think of without feeling an erection growing almost uncontrollably. The one who wears sexual attraction like perfume. The “party girls”. The “hot” ones.
While these men can and do desire their partner, when they enter a certain stage of the relationship – exclusivity for some, marriage for others, fatherhood for still others – the switch between Whore and Madonna is flipped. They may still feel desire for their partner, but it’s desire leavened with restraint. It’s hard for these men to fantazise about their girlfriends or wives the way they think of the hot stranger at the end of the bar. Gone are the fantasies of slipping off to the bathroom in a crowded club for a blowjob or a quickie in the changing rooms at Nordstrom. No more kinky, transgressive sex. “I can’t think of her that way,” they say. “She’s the mother of my children!”
Despite seeing his partner as the Madonna, the man still has sexual needs – ones that he “can’t” satisfy with his wife. As a result, his gaze begins to wander to the Whore; because he doesn’t see her as sacred and “pure”, he can fully enjoy the “debased” sex he craves. He sees sex as being something “dirty”, which he can’t possibly share with the Madonna; he respects her too much to subject her to his base desires.
This becomes a prime recipe for infidelity on both sides. The man starts looking outside of his relationship for women he thinks he can be sexually honest with, while his partner is left unfulfilled and starts looking for sex and intimacy elsewhere.
Side note: Yes, I’m covering a feminist issue as part of a blog that’s primarily directed at helping men get better at dating. I fully realize that this can be seen as minimizing an important issue by turning it into “…and here’s how this helps you get laid.” That being said: I’m of the opinion that teaching men how to be a better person – or at least less of an asshole – is a critical part of the path of self-improvement that leads to getting better at handling relationships.
How Do You Fix It?
The first step for men dealing with a Madonna/Whore complex is to accept that all women are sexual beings. The division between “good girls” who don’t and “bad girls” who do is a remnant of a time and culture that no longer exists. A woman who has sex, enjoys sex, radiates sexuality is still a woman who is quite capable of being a caring and nurturing parent. Similarly, the girlfriend or wife you love is still a sexual being; the fact that you’re in a relationship or put a ring on her finger doesn’t mean that she doesn’t still crave the wild sweaty monkey sex the two of you used to have in the early days when you burned through every page in the Kama Sutra.
If you’re in the relationship already and you’re feeling the switch has already been flipped… well, the best thing you can do is fuck. Keeping the passion in your relationship alive can be difficult, but trying to restrain yourself because of some bogus idea of respect is only going to make it fade faster.
The point of a relationship is more than just finding a mother figure to raise your future progeny. You want a partner, yes, but she’s also a partner in crime. You’ve both signed on to share the adventure together, and that means sharing and experiencing the crazy-ass fantasies you have. Remind yourself that she’s as much of a sexual being as you are and start mixing up the sex. Make moves back to the transgressive, borderline illegal stuff you’ve always enjoyed.
Appreciate the fact that your angel has her share of devil inside her, or that your devil has that angelic side and embrace all of her.
Don’t flip the switch; break it off.
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