Hi Dr. Nerdlove,
I heard about this website while listening to the podcast “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” and while I realize this is mostly a website to apparently help guys get girls I was hoping for some general dating advice anyway. I tend to be addicted to dating nerdy guys, I’m nerd girl and I like to date guys that have similiar interests and hobbies.
The problem I run into more often than not is I either start dating the socially awkward guy who because he doesn’t have a social life expects me to spend all my free time with them, the guy who can’t carry on a decent conversation or is really arrogant and talks down to me. The other type tends to be the guy who ends up wanting to “just be friends”.
I have identified two areas that are problematic one is that I can’t seem to say no when someone asks me out I always say yes thinking well maybe I’ll be surprised and they will end up being someone I could have a long term relationship with. The other is I tend to sleep with guys pretty fast and that always ends up biting me in the end. I always fall for that line of “Oh I’m different than other guys” when I try to explain I want to go slowly and not just sleep around. I want to be trusting and give people a chance but they almost always end up being what they first appear to be.
Sorry this message is a bit long winded but ultimately my question is I’m not sure what to do in order to weed out guys that are worthwhile dating vs. guys who should just stay friends. Should I make a list that has more criteria and only date people who fit into that? I always hear my guy friends complain they want girlfriends who have more in common with them but whenever I date guys that I share almost all their hobbies and interests with it never works out and I’m left wondering why.
Nerd Bait
Wait, a nerdy chick who can’t say no to dates, sleeps around and prefers to date nerd boys almost exclusively?
Admit it, you’re a fake! Confess! CONFESS I SAY!
(ahem)
OK all joking aside, guys do want girls who have things in common with them; despite the what the cliche (and Paula Abdul song) says, opposites don’t attract. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that simply having hobbies in common is enough for a relationship, especially in geek culture. More often than not, nerd boys who want girls who share all of their hobbies and interests aren’t looking for real girls, they’re looking for a fantasy that justifies their interests rather than a real relationship with all of it’s complications and complexities.
But that’s a separate issue entirely. Let’s take a look at your problem.
First of all: You seem to have managed to date through some of the major personality types that you can find in nerd circles; shy and awkward, possessive and clingy and the ever popular condescending know-it-all… All you really need is the White Knight and the Incredibly Offputting Fetishist and you’ll have Nerd Bingo.
As I’ve said before, I don’t like trading in stereotypes, but certain activities and lifestyles tend to attract certain personality types; because geek culture is outside the accepted mainstream, you’re inevitably going to find dudes who aren’t the most socially experienced. Well socialized, charming nerds do exist, but you have to be willing to put in some time and effort into looking for them. And while you do seem to have been putting in the hours Nerd Bait, your methodology could use some work.
I do applaud your willingness to go on dates and to be willing to give guys a chance; in many circumstances, this is quite admirable and says a lot for your willing to be looking past the surface when it comes to finding a relationship. However, in this case it seems to me that your focus is less on finding a partner in crime and a lot more on finding a long-term-relationship with a blank spot marked “Insert Boy Here”. It’s not uncommon for geeks of both genders to be in love with the idea of being in love; just about every form of entertainment we partake in glorifies the concept of romance and Twu Wuv. We’re taught that finding a girlfriend/boyfriend is one of the most important things for a geek and that all of life’s adventures lead towards being part of a couple. If you’re exposed to that for long enough, the message can tend to embed itself in your brain.
(See also: Nerd boys and chronic Nice Guy Syndrome. I blame John Cusack.)
Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not down on you for wanting to find a long term relationship, and I’m certainly not going to fault you for being willing to cast your net wide in your search, but you’e taken things to an extreme. A willingness to take chances and be surprised is one thing. Taking on all comers because, hey, you never know, is quite another. You can’t be faulted for the thoroughness of your search for love, NB, but you need to change how you’re going about it.
I don’t mean to come off like Doctor Drew1 but your inability to turn down dates and your willingness to have sex quicker than you might feel comfortable with makes me wonder if you don’t have some self-esteem issues. It sounds as though you may be more concerned about getting the guys to like you rather than making sure they’re worthy of your affections in the first place. This is not a stable place to build a relationship from; a relationship should be a partnership between equals, not with one person supplicating to the other in hopes of gaining their approval and affection.
You’re obviously intelligent and self-aware to realize that these are problems, and I think you’re also well aware of the answers. You don’t need to set up a check-list and stick to it exclusively, NB, but you do need to be willing to be more discriminating in who you’re willing to date. Your experience means that you should be better able to filter out what you don’t want as you look for what you do. Being choosey about romance isn’t necessarily a fault; just because someone asks you out in the first place doesn’t mean you’re obligated to consider them.
As for the sex, there’s no reason not to take things to that level at the pace you’re comfortable with. If you’re a sexual person and you like having sex on the first or second date, more power to you! If you prefer to take things slowly and wait until you’re sure, then by all means, take things slowly! You’re under no obligation to proceed at anyone’s speed except your own, no matter how much the guy may protest that “they’re not like that”. If the guy you’re dating isn’t willing to be patient and follow your lead on the subject, than you can probably take it for granted that they’re not a guy you want to be dating in the first place and you’re free to dump them if necessary. Nerd girls are a valued commodity, and you won’t find yourself at a loss for terribly long.
Good luck.
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