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There was a time when dating was simpler; courtship was a very structured and ritualized affair where everybody’s roles were clearly and carefully delineated. Guys were supposed to do X, girls would do Y, a chaperone would try to keep them from doing XXX in the parlor when nobody was looking. Everybody knew what was expected of them and pretended to be happy as long as you were willing to ignore the rampant inherent sexism, the commodification of women and sex-negative attitudes of the time.
With time, enlightenment and a considerable level of progress towards sexual equality the social structures regarding dating loosened… and yet vestigial traditions and attitudes have held on with the tenacity of especially stubborn barnacles, leaving everybody confused and frustrated. Further attempts by well meaning souls of both progressive and conservative origins to clarify the so-called “rules” have muddied the waters with a morass of conflicting rules and regulations. Are women supposed to ask the man out, or does making the first rule mean she’s a hussy? How many times a week are you supposed to see someone you’re “dating”? And are you “dating” if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk? Who pays for dinner, the one who initiates sex or the one who’s shelling out for the hotel room? If he buys the lobster thermador, does that mean he’s guaranteed a handie afterwards or should you hold out for after-dinner champagne too? Is someone who goes on dates strictly for the meals a prostitute or a clever person subverting the dominent patriarchal paradigm and saving some money to boot?
It’s enough to make a guy want to give up on the whole dating thing all together and just try to lead a lifestyle of nothing but shallow sexual encounters with women.
Do yourself a favor. Toss all the crap about dating out the window. Here’re the new rules to keep in mind to make dating simpler, more equitable and easier all around.
Who Asks Out Whom?
This one’s simple: if you like someone, ask them out. I don’t care if you’re a guy, a girl or a three-breasted, four cocked hermaphrodite from Venus with a glandular problem and daddy issues. Waiting for someone else to do all the work for you is for the weak and cowardly who are afraid to take the initiative for fear of being rejected. Rejection sucks but you’ll get over it and while you were busy hoping that Mr./Ms. Right was going to make the first move, someone who did have the confidence to make the approach has stolen your date out from under you.Nice going. Next time understand that s/he who hesitates, loses. Fortune favors the brave. Excelsior, True Believers!
Ahem. Sorry. That ran a little out of control there.
And please, can we as a species dispense with the antiquated notion that guys are supposed to be the ones to ask girls out? It’s the 21st century goddamn it, and if a guy has an issue with women being assertive then I can assure you that you probably didn’t want to date him in the first place.
What Do We Talk About? What Don’t We Talk About?
One of the most common problems people encounter on dates – especially first dates – is “what to talk about?” Over the years this has become one of the areas obscured by the accumulated cruft of conflicting and contradictory rules. Don’t talk about money, talk about religion, don’t talk about religion, don’t talk about sex lest he think you’re a slut, do talk about sex lest she think you’re a hopeless virgin, don’t talk about your exes, don’t bring up politics, past dates, sports teams or the fact that you’re on a date in the first place. What’re you left with? Ah, movies. Movies are fine. Movies and the weather.
The fact of the matter is, the only thing you want to avoid while on a date is being boring. Boredom is the sex killer, boredom is the death of the little death. If you want to avoid anything while on a date, avoid the standard first date questions that every woman has heard on every first date ever: who are you, where did you grow up, what do you do for a living, etc. These “getting to know you” questions are the lowest common denominators of dating; they’re non-threatening, easy to bring up and – in theory – can lead to conversational topics. They’re also ones that your date will have heard so many times that she’ll have a rote response to them, which doesn’t do much for inspiring engaging conversation.
So don’t worry about whether or not a topic is “appropriate” for a date as long as a) you aren’t being rude, bitter or whiney and b) you aren’t being creepy. Part of the art of conversation is demonstrating social intelligence; you want to show that you’re socially aware enough to not only understand the so-called rules of polite society but that you understand when you can bend or break those rules.
As an example: one of the most common rules about dates is “don’t bring up exes,” as though we are supposed to pretend that we are blank slates, free from previous dating experiences both good and bad. I freely ignore this; I’ve told stories on first dates involving my ex-girlfriends or dates I had been on previously… because frankly those stories were hilarious and got the response I was looking for: a genuine laugh and engagement on the subject.
The key to making this is in the presentation. Rather than my waxing nostalgic about my ex – and giving the impression that I still had residual feelings for her – it was a story about myself that my ex was a part of; the ex was for all intents and purposes the guest star of the story rather than the focus.
Talking about ex-girlfriends – in a mature, funny way – is a way of indicating pre-selection: the idea that other women have found you attractive, which in turn is an attractive trait. Having been pre-selected by women says: “I am a man whom other women have found value in, ergo you should find value in me as well.”
What don’t I do if and when I talk about ex-girlfriends? I don’t whine about them, nor do I rant and rave about what horrible bitches they were; these forms of behavior are are indicators of low social intelligence – an unattractive trait – and and a preview of what someone might be like in a relationship. A man who can remain on good terms with his exes is one who is capable of an emotionally mature relationship. A guy who has nothing but a string of horrible exes who have done him wrong is someone who is painfully unaware that he is the common denominator in all his failed relationships.
What if you have no idea what to say? What if you run out of conversational topics? Well, if your environment doesn’t give you any inspiration – and there’s always an interesting scene to observe and comment on – I recommend The Question Game.
Present it this way: you’re going to get to know each other by playing the Question Game. The rules are simple: first, you alternate asking a question back and forth – real questions not just things like “what’s your sign?” Second, you can’t ask a question that’s already been asked; if you ask how many brothers your date has, she can’t turn around and ask you how many sisters you have. And third: your date goes first.
Where Do We Go?
I’ve already elaborated on what I consider the perfect first date, but I’ll simplify it further: ultimately you want to go someplace where you can talk to each other at a reasonable volume and share a unique experience. Movies make for a lousy first date for precisely this reason: you’re sitting next to each other and spending all of your time concentrating on the screen rather than on each other. Not a great way to get to know one another, and part of the Standard First Date package anyway – everybody does dinner and a movie. You don’t want to be “everybody”. You want to stand out.
On the other end of the spectrum, this is also why you want to avoid loud bars and dance clubs – the last thing you want is your date ending with a bad case of tinnitus and a throat raw from screaming “WHAT? WHAT?” over and over again. They also provide the entirely wrong atmosphere; the louder the volume, the more likely that you’re in a pick-up joint. Clubs, especially, make for terrible dates because of what they represent: a churning sea of bodies who tacitly agree that they are single… or at least willing to pretend to be so and that they are there for the purpose of meeting and hooking up with other people. Bringing a date – especially one who you aren’t already in a committed relationship with – is the dating equivalent of covering yourself in steaks into chummed, shark-infested waters. You will encounter guys with more game than you have who will take great delight in determining that no, the two of you aren’t dating and then promptly stealing your date out from under you.
I should know. I’ve done that. Yes, I’m a horrible person and I’m ok with this.
If you want to go dancing, avoid dance clubs and find a swing or salsa night instead. The atmosphere is friendlier and more social, the music is at a far more reasonable volume and it will be outside of the typical date experience for the both of you. If either (or neither) of you can swing or salsa, then that’s even better; most venues hosting a swing or salsa night will be providing basic instruction as well – there’s nothing quite as fun on a date when the both of you are trying something new for the first time.
A slight caveat: concerts – especially in smaller venues – are an exception to the issue of volume and dates. Concerts and music shows are by design a more socially interactive experience than movies; interacting with one another is as much a part of the experience as watching the band. Just beware any band or venue that is likely to involve a mosh-pit. Nothing kills a date quite like a trip to the ER when an piercing has been accidentally ripped out.
What Should You Expect? What Are You Owed?
A guy is owed and should expect politeness. Period.
A girl is owed and should expect politeness and safety.
Everything else, including a good time (yes yes, that too) is ultimately optional. There are no rules of reciprocity – spending X dollars or Y hours does not and should not equate to another experience in exchange. Not every date is going to be perfect. Not every date is going to be fun. Hell, some dates won’t even be memorable. But politeness and safety come standard and any date that does not include them should be terminated… occasionally with prejudice.
When Should We Have Sex?
As soon as you both feel like it, really. Hell, you don’t have to make it out of the house if the mood strikes.
The standard rule of “No sex before the third date” and it’s corollary “Don’t kiss/fuck/dry-hump/what-have-you on the first date” are based around the idea of slut-shaming: that women who “give up the goods” too quickly (for suitably variable definitions of “too quickly”) are somehow inferior to a woman who guards her virtue tighter than the gold at Fort Knox. The idea – in theory – is that since guys are only interested in sex, having sex too soon means that guys will think you’re easy and respect you less, if they respect you at all.
In practice, what this attitude is saying is “You have no real value outside of your sexuality, so you better bait the guy into dating you first.”
Yes, there are guys out there – and they are numerous – who are only interested in using girls for sex and they will drop a girl as soon as they get what they want. They can be very good at hiding this fact and frequently the only way of learning how to identify them is through hard-won experience. But by the same count: these are assholes who women wouldn’t really want to date anyway. Waiting three dates isn’t a guarantee that a guy (or a girl, for that matter) is a quality, stand-up person. It’s just an indication that they’re patient.
As long as both parties are comfortable, willing and consenting, there is no hard and fast rule about when to sleep together or not. So enjoy yourselves!
When And How Often Do I Call Or Text?
Funny you should mention that…
Oh, and if you exchange bodily fluids, you owe a phone call the next day. Not a text. Not an e-mail. Not a voice mail. A phone call.
Who Pays For The Date
I saved this for last because over the years it’s become a matter of grave discussion and no small measure of controversy. The issue of whether the guy or the girl pays for a date has become complicated over the years as it is intrinsically tied up in issues of tradition, sexism, gender-based stereotypes, entitlement, financial disparity and a commodification of sex via an implied quid-pro-quo. As a result, the simple act of picking up the check now carries decades of baggage and can inadvertently send messages that people may not be aware of. Even the act of offering to split the check can have unintended consequences.
Traditionally, the man is supposed to pay for the entire date; not only was this because men were considered to be more financially capable than women – women needed to be “taken care of” – but it carried the un-subtle implication that because he paid, he was now owed sexual favors. Over the years the equality between genders – both socially and economically – has started1 to even out, but the tradition has remained common in the dating scene. Some women see a man’s paying for them as their just due while others see it as an insulting statement of privilege. Some men see paying for women as just being nice while others see it as being bilked out of hard-earned money… possibly even under false pretenses.
It doesn’t help that the subject recently raised it’s head in various blog circles after Business Insider posted an article about a young woman who used Match.com as way of scoring fancy dinners and sparked a great deal of ire, both male and female.
Also, trying to balance out who owes what on top of differences in tipping philosophies is a great way to kill any emotional momentum on a first date.
So in the name of egalitarianism, the simplification of dating etiquette and in the spirit of being able to enjoy a date without worrying that you’re somehow sending the wrong signals, I give you Doctor NerdLove’s Number One Rule for Dating: Whomever asked the other one out is the one who pays. The person who did not pay for the date, pays for the next one. After certain number dates (alternately either between 4 and 6 dates or after having sex for the first time) whomever is not paying for the date should offer to pay half. At this point, splitting the check should reasonably be expected, subject to each person’s financial status.
When drinks are involved on a first date, each person is to pay for their own drink. Following that, they alternate paying for each round, starting with whomever arrived first. If both parties arrived together, then the man buys the next round.
Keep in mind: pushing for an expensive date or dinner when it’s the other person’s turn to pay is both crass and obvious. Both parties need to be willing to respect the other’s financial situation – especially if there’s a significant difference – in mind rather than an entree into the lifestyle to which he or she intends to become accustomed. Just because one person has money is not an obligation to spend it, just as a person who doesn’t have much money shouldn’t feel under an obligation to match an experience he or she can’t afford.
And as a warning: throwing money around on a date in an attempt to impress a woman is a bad idea all around. It can be tempting to want to show that you’re a baller, but your actions are carrying the implication that you think that a) she’s stupid and/or b) that you think she can be bought. It also greatly ups the likelihood that you’re going to find girls who are going to take advantage of you for your money.
Some women are willing to be bought. Some guys are cool with being taken advantage. Most aren’t.
Buyer beware.
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