Doc, I need some help.
A few months ago I took a trip a few hours down the road where I met another guy who is now causing problems.
While I was there, he contacted me on a gay social app and got my attention rather quickly. I met up with him and he was a very nice and attractive guy who wanted a relationship with me. This being my first boyfriend I jumped into it, which I now realize was very foolish of me.
Almost as soon as I got back home, he started asking me if I could move in with him over the summer or at the very least come up every weekend. Me being a busy college student, I explained to him that wouldn’t be possible but I’d come up as much as I could, but he didn’t seem to understand at all. I found that to be concerning since he is a college grad himself, but the biggest red flag was when he texted me “Do you want to be in a triad with my other boyfriend.” I didn’t know about this other boyfriend until just then. I managed to work that crisis out (he would have two separate bf’s), but things were getting busy and I wasn’t able to come up as soon as I hoped. Since I wasn’t going to be up with him too often and he had someone else, I asked if we could have an open relationship. He was VERY upset that I would even suggest that. After that he started calling and texting me much more often, asking if his “cub” was being faithful (he took the whole daddy/boy/bear/cub thing way too far outside the bedroom that I felt I was being fetishized). I said yes and I still haven’t gone up again and I’m wondering if I should. He keeps contacting me, asking to come up to him,and his messages are getting more and more aggressive. I’m worried that I have a crazy guy on my hands and I have no idea what to tell him anymore. Any advice doctor?
– Not Goldilocks
Dump him. Dump him and fucking run.
There’s more red flags here than a military parade in Beijing. First, he’s asking you to move in with him as soon as you meet him in person. Then he “forgets” to mention the whole “oh, I have another boyfriend” issue until he decides he’s up for a threesome… but it’s clearly “boyfriends for me but not for thee” since he freaks the fuck out over your proposal that maybe you open the relationship up a little.
Throw that into his constantly checking up on you and pushing the bear/cub relationship past where you’re comfortable and pushing and pushing and now demanding that you come see him…
Seriously. Dump his ass, block him on Facebook, Twitter, Grindr, every other place he has a way of contacting you and count your lucky stars you’re getting off this lightly.
I get that this is your first boyfriend and you haven’t had much in the way of experience with relationships but seriously, this guy is giving off all sorts of warning signals that you need to learn to recognize. Don’t let the fact that you’ve just started dating and/or fucking blind you to the fact that you have the right to have strong boundaries and people who cross them should be shown the exit as quickly and firmly as possible. There are folks who prey on the young and inexperienced, who rely on the fact that you aren’t as likely to recognize toxic or abusive behavior for what it is. Find a cute boy closer to home who isn’t some crazy-possessive, second-boyfriend-hiding, boundary-pushing asshole.
I started talking to this girl over a month ago. She’s 35, divorced with two great boys (7 and 10). We went on our first date Saturday before last, and the boys were with us. We all hit it off, the boys, me , her, all of us. All week, we stayed in regular communication, every morning, she would wake me up with a good morning message on my phone as soon as she got up and we would talk throughout the day. Then, our second meeting happened. I went over to her house this past Friday to watch a movie, but we ended up just talking for an hour, and that lead into a very passionate make out session. Two hours of that, and the understanding that we shouldn’t go all the way just then and there and continued to make out. At the end of the night we left off on a very sweet long goodnight kiss. Then I wake the next day, and no good morning on my phone, so I call her later that day, no answer. I give her her space and wait till the next day, and call, no answer, so I tex that night, and she says she’s not ready for a physical relationship… I really like this girl and her two boys, I’ve never felt like this about someone before and I want to know if there is a way to fix this. I’m 31 and am so tired of the dating scene. What can I do?
First of all: good on you for giving a woman with kids a shot. A lot of guys would view that as an absolute deal breaker and miss out on the possibility of an excellent relationship
I am going to have to tweak you slightly though: if she’s over 18, she’s a woman, not a girl. Seriously. 35 year old single mom’s got it hard enough as it is; don’t infantalize her by calling her a girl, ‘kay?
As for your question:
Look dude, you had two dates and she decided that she’s just not into you. Sometimes that happens; she may have decided over the course of the makeout seession with you that while she was enjoying herself for now, she didn’t see this going any further and decided to nip it in the bud. That lack of response is a response; it means she’s hoping you’re going to get the hint and let it go.
Now I get it: you’re infatuated with her and it sucks that you got rejected. But straight-talk: you’ll get over it. Let’s keep some perspective here: you had two dates with this woman. Two dates does not mean it’s True Love, nor was she The One. I’m sure she’s a great woman and her kids are awesome, but there are plenty of other women out there. If you’re tired of the dating scene then by all means, take a break for a bit. But the best thing you can do here is just chalk this up to another learning experience and move on to someone new.
I know your target audience is largely males, but I as a female need some help. It involves the “friend-zone” and a guy I really like.
Now, he knows that I like him and he friend-zoned me pretty damn hard. I flat out told him. He spends a lot of his time talking about how lonely he is and how he can’t find his dream woman. He fits 80% of the “nice-guy” bullshit and he has impossible standards. He’s one of those that feels the world owes him things. Wants a modern woman but doesn’t want one who’s aggressive, etc…
Well I like him, I’ve tried finding reasons not to like him but when we spend any amount of time together I just find more reasons to like him. His annoying habits don’t really annoy me, except the impossible standards thing. I’ve had a colorful and roller coaster life. At almost 30 I am finally getting through school and working on getting my life together. I am attractive, smart and generally a blast to hang out with. His friends all like me and tell me we would be good for each other.
But I can’t do it. I can’t accept the friend-zone. I tried to treat him as a non-sexual entity but it doesn’t work. (Probably because I’m not looking for sex right now.) We have too much in common and it’s impossible for me to be okay with just being friends without at least trying. I am friends with most of my exes, so it is likely if it didn’t work out we could probably still be friends. But I can’t just take the friend-zone. As such I’ve decided to just go isolationist when he is around. (He is buddies with my roommate. Said roommate spent months telling me about him before we met, as him being a good one for me.) For the sake of their friendship I will be cordial, but I can’t sit and watch hours of Doctor Who with them and have all these great conversations , feelings and act as if they aren’t there. I think it’s actually making my hair grey. The roommate thinks this is the wrong course of action, but I don’t see any other way to protect my sanity. I’ve tried just letting it go. But I like the guy and I can not make myself not like him.
Do you have any ideas I haven’t thought of?
Too Old For This Crap
Here’s something not to like about him: he has impossible standards, entitlement issues and is apparently 80% Nice Guy. Yup, this guy sounds like a total prize. Can’t imagine why he’s not having to beat women off with a stick.
Look, there will always be times when you can’t get out of the Friend Zone and your options are simple: you either accept it and move on with your life or you continue to beat your head against a wall and make yourself miserable for no damn good reason. You’re welcome to continue pounding your head against the wall but all you’re going to do is give yourself a migraine. The wall ain’t gonna notice or care. Sometimes you have to take “no” for an answer. It’s cool that his friends dig you and think the two of you would be great together but – and this is critical – they don’t get a vote in this.
And to be perfectly honest: rejection happens for a reason. It keeps people who are fundamentally incompatible apart, and from the sounds of things… it’s for the best that he’s just not that into you.
I sympathize that you’re having a hard time letting go. It’s going to be difficult considering that he’s a friend of your roommate – it’s easier to get over someone when they’re outta sight, outta mind. If things get really intolerable… well, you could always find a new roommate. But that’s a little on the extreme side of things. The best thing you can do is minimize the time you spend around him, dial back the level of contact you have and – here’s the critical part – start dating other people. This guy isn’t the only single geek out there.
You’re hot, smart, friendly, tons of fun and apparently have lots of stories to share; you’ll find other guys, geeky dudes who have strong feelings about who should be cast as the next Doctor and want to have great conversations, who are chomping at the bit to date you. Start finding some of them and you’ll start realizing that getting Friend-Zoned was the best thing that could’ve happened to you.