I tried to break up with my girlfriend of one year last night, and after telling her I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her, I started to cry and feel pain from it. She asked me why I was hurting so badly if this is something I wanted.
Some history on her side… she’s had more negative experiences than I’ve ever heard happen to someone. Bounced across the nation as a child because her broken family didn’t want her, had a series of really bad relationships as a young adult, got married, decided she was polyamorous for a while, then got into a series of really abusive relationships.
When her and I got together, she was raped by one of her exes, and I know that it caused a massive amount of trauma. I’ve been trying to be supportive of her. She’s not been able to hold a job for longer than a few months, has a lot of enmity towards people as a whole, and I feel like she’s needed something truly stable and solid in her life to act as a support.
We have been together a year now, and I feel like things have deteriorated. I have borne witness to emotional outburst with her while in public, been called names, and was told (in anger during our latest fight) that her dog comes before everyone else, that she’s been the only constant in her life, that her dog is the only one who’s never left her… that she could kick her dog, and the dog would still never leave (she doesn’t, mind you). When I tried to leave her last night, we both cried and hugged and said we were sorry for all the things said, and that I changed my mind and I love her, but we need to work on communicating, me being myself, and her being the best her she can be… but now, after the exhaustion has worn off, and I’ve woken up from a night’s sleep, I feel like I did right before I told her I wanted to end it… she’s staying with a friend for a day or two, and I’m here at home alone.
What do I do? Am I being manipulated? Am I not giving her the chance to heal and prove herself to me? Am I being a coward? Do I tell her “it’s not you it’s me”? I am so lost right now, I feel like I’m in an emotional storm with just a dingy, no oars, no sail, no life preserver… she’s had a VERY troubled past, much of which wasn’t her fault. Am I being unfair to her? I need help…
Without a Compass