Hi Dr. NerdLove,
I’m gay but not really out to a whole lot of people and in my late 30’s. I like to think I’m ok with my sexuality but something’s just not there yet with revealing it to everyone just yet (still). I’m also overweight and while I think my face looks ok I kinda hate that I don’t really exercise and always eat the right things. But my hatred of exercise is for another topic.
I also play a lot of Final Fantasy XIV. I’ve also met someone through playing that game that I really, really really like. It’s another guy, and he’s off overseas in the army in Hawaii (but will be moving back to the mainland early next year). Now I’ve also not ever really let myself get into a relationship with anyone before. Yes I’ve had sex with other guys before so I’m not a virgin, but it’s always been with just hookups via dating/casual encounter type websites from people in my local area. Never found anyone via that method that stuck.
Anyways, so I met this guy playing the game about 10 months ago, by joining their group of friends in a static for raiding. This turned into becoming friends in game, and the more we talked the more I liked him and the more I asked about him. So I find out that he’s bisexual, and says he is polyamorous and doesn’t want to be limited to one partner. He has a male partner he sees and fucks on a regular basis in Hawaii that’s in his unit (and shares other sexual encounters with the girls they bring over), and he also is dating a female gamer in our static too who lives in Alabama. He’s also in game married to her and they have date nights, and she’s even gone to visit him in Hawaii (which didn’t really turn out all that well for them but yet they continue to want to date each other).
I’ve also professed feelings for him (i.e. i’ve said I love him and he says he loves me too). But he doesn’t want to make the girl he’s seeing jealous because even though he is polyamorous, she absolutely wants to keep him exclusively to herself. She knows of his poly mindset but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. He does not like that she does not acknowledge it. I have to watch what I say around her sometimes so that she doesn’t catch on so much that I’m in “love” with him too. I get envious of their date nights and I’ve asked if we could have date nights and he’s said no (because of her), but there are plenty of times in game when she’s gone to bed because she’s in central time, I’m in mountain time and he’s still up for awhile because of Hawaii time so I get him all to myself for a bit before he or I log off.
This is part of my dilemma. The other part is I’ve never had a solid male relationship before so I’m not sure what i’m feeling is true love or just like, but it sure as heck feels like it. And he’s so damn cute too boot too, but I feel like I’m ugly in my fatness compared to him. He says he’s ok with different body types. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet him in real life but I really want to. we’ve exchanged pictures and had a couple really awkward face time chats. Am I emotionally immature still even at 38?
There are days when I’m bursting at the seams with feelings for him, and I try to express them to him but it doesn’t come out right and he’s not always as responsive or expressive as I am. We all show our love differently tho but we still say “love you” before going to bed/logging off from gaming.
I hope i’ve thoroughly confused you with my letter and maybe if you can pull some sense out of it I would certainly appreciate your learned thoughts on the matter. Cause I’m really not sure what my next step should be.
Is this red flag city? Or just try to keep going and see how it turns out?
confused in dating world