Breaking up with someone is never easy. Even when it’s a break up that had to happen, you’re going to end up with complicated feelings towards your ex. No matter how bad the relationship was – or how badly it ended – it’s natural that you’d have questions and doubts. You may wonder if you did the right thing. You may think that maybe you made a mistake.
And you may think about trying to get your ex back.
It’s entirely understandable that you might want your ex back in your life. For some, it’s the fear of being alone and the belief that even a bad relationship is better than no relationship. For others, it’s the comfort of the familiar, the ease of settling back into old routines. Part of what makes a breakup so traumatic is the way that it shatters your life. Being with someone, especially in a long-term relationship, means that you’ve restructured your life around being part of a couple. You’ve developed habits and routines based on your shared your life with another person. The end of that relationship throws your life into chaos, leaving you to have to relearn how to be single again.
And there are times when you just still love your ex and aren’t ready to let them go.
But getting your ex back – if you even should – is a tricky situation. There are right ways to approach trying to rekindle a faded romance… and there are wrong ones.
And then there are utterly, mind-fuckingly, bad ones.
Like this one:
One More Try
Last Saturday morning, Bristol native Luke Howard set up a piano in the middle of College Green, arranged some hand-written signs and began to play. And he won’t stop playing until his ex comes back to him. This was, in Howard’s words, “a last throw of the dice,” in his attempt to win back the heart of his “Rapunzel”. They had recently broken up and he couldn’t take it. He wasn’t ready to let her go and so, he decided to plead his case. But since Rapunzel wasn’t talking to him, he decided to take his heartbreak public.
According to Howard:
“It wasn’t anything nasty or bad, it was just life getting in the way. If it was anything bad why we split up then I wouldn’t be doing this, but it’s the only thing I can think of doing,”
Rather than text or write – ” that only ever seems to make things worse…” according to Howard – he has decided to take his case in as public a fashion as he possibly can. And so, to show just how much he loves her, he’s vowed to play – for hours, days, or weeks – until either she comes back to him or he simply can’t play any longer.
It sounds sweetly romantic, doesn’t it? You can almost see this as being the climax of a romantic movie by John Carney – maybe something involving a suitably, soulfully dishevelled Charlie Cox, pouring his heart out into his playing. The skies darken and thunder rolls, a booming counterpoint to his piano. Lit only by the street lights on the sidewalk in the park, he’s soaked to the skin, his hair plastered flat by rain. His eyes are wild and his skin sallow; he clearly hasn’t stopped or slept in days. And then, just as the last of his energy fades, his fingers falter and he begins to collapse… a hand touches his, pulling them off the keys. He turns and his ex, played by Haley Bennet, takes him into her arms. The music swells and audiences leave happy, feeling as though love has triumphed.
If it were a movie, it might work. But this isn’t a movie. This is real life.
Instead, Howard is providing an excellent example of how not to get your ex back.
Bad Romance
What Howard is attempting is a classic Grand Romantic Gesture. It’s a staple of romantic movies: by the second act, the hero has lost his lover. Whether through circumstance, opposition from others or his own bone-headed mistakes, he has managed to ruin what was an otherwise great relationship. Now, if he wants to win her back, he has to show just how much he loves her. And there’s no greater way to prove how much you care than by showing everyone the depth of your love. Don’t worry about how far you need to go; the more disruptive it may be, then the more it means that you love her. And if that means humiliating her in front of her friends and family, then that’s just a small price to pay, isn’t it?
And so his lover, so impressed by the sheer depth of his feelings for her, realizes that she can’t live without him either. How could she resist someone who loves her that much?
But what works in movie logic doesn’t play out so well in real life. In movie logic, the strength of your love is all you need to rekindle love in someone else. Their hearts are so moved by the depth of your devotion that they can’t help but love you back. But romance doesn’t work like that in real life.
The fact that you love someone so very, very hard, doesn’t change how that someone feels. Nor does it change the reasons why you broke up. It may be great that you got a marching band to parade past your ex’s house or you convinced a park full of people to perform a coordinated song and dance number to demonstrate just how much you care about her… but you never addressed the fact that you don’t respect her or her career. You never made up for the ways you insulted or belittled her, the fundamental lifestyle incompatibilities or even just unwillingness to do your share of the emotional labor.
It’s far easier to show up at her graduation to make a heart-felt speech about love and never giving up on someone than it is to examine what went wrong. There is never any self-examination, no reflection about why you broke up. That shit takes work. It’s unpleasant and it’s rarely pretty. You have to come face to face with the things that you did and that your partner did and find some way to make things right… if that’s even possible.
But buying all the sterling roses in the tri-state area and filling her car with them? That makes you a hero.
That’s why people love Grand Romantic Gestures. They’re the short-cut to a reconciliation. You don’t need to fix things; you make an over-the-top display to distract them and get your way. You’ve papered over the problem and now you can get back to the status quo without having to put in the work to solve that problem.
It’s selfish behavior dressed up in romance drag.
Just as troubling, however, is how manipulative the mindset behind Grand Romantic Gestures can be…
The Heart Needs A Second Chance
While Howard’s trying to show the depth of his love through sheer, self-destructive endurance, the romantic shell crumbles away to reveal something uglier: Howard’s determination to take control of the story of his relationship with “Rapunzel”. Let’s look at what Howard said about why they broke up and why he’s doing this:
It wasn’t anything nasty or bad, it was just life getting in the way. If it was anything bad why we split up then I wouldn’t be doing this, but it’s the only thing I can think of doing. It just seems life just got in our way.
(Emphasis added)
The fact that “if it was anything bad why we split up,” he wouldn’t be in College Park, making a spectacle of himself is significant. Howard is dictating terms about why he won’t accept the break up. It wasn’t “bad” enough to justify ending things. Life just got in the way. It just isn’t fair that things ended like this, not when Howard still feels so strongly. Surely that means that he deserves a second chance, right?
Here’s the thing, though: you don’t need things to be “bad enough” to end a relationship. The only “reason” you need to break up with someone is you don’t want to be dating them anymore. Relationships require everybody to agree that they want to be part of it. If one partner wants to end things… well, that’s it. One partner doesn’t get to veto the break up if there isn’t a sufficiently compelling cause.
But Howard isn’t willing to accept this. Notice that he doesn’t say that circumstances have changed or that he’s done things differently. Just that he really, really wants her back. Which leads us to the next quote:
I know people in my situation will send flowers or text or write letters but that only ever seems to make things worse. I wanted to do something that she might see, to let her know how much I love her, that she can see it and then take it or leave it,
(Emphasis added)
This part is important because of what it says. First: this isn’t the first time he’s dealt with an ex who wants nothing to do with him. The line “that only ever seems to make things worse” is a pretty strong indication that he’s tried other means of getting in contact with someone and it didn’t go well. That alone is indicative that Howard is at the center of his drama, even if it’s not terribly damning. But the next part – “I wanted to do something that she might see” is very important indeed. This is telling us that Howard isn’t in contact with “Rapunzel” any more.
That sentence is a critical part of why Howard is doing this. Flowers can get thrown away, letters can be returned unopened, texts can be ignored or blocked. By making his display so public, she can’t ignore him. By hijacking Bristol’s largest public protest and getting media attention, he helps ensure that there’s no way that “Rapunzel” doesn’t hear about this. He’s not contacting her privately and saying “Hey, I know things between us ended, but I miss you and things are different now.” He’s declaring to the world that he’s going to hold his breath until he turns blue and maybe he’ll get sick and have to go to the hospital and then won’t she be sorry?
To put it another way: “I WON’T BE IGNORED, RAPUNZEL.”
This is what we in the dating advice biz call a “red flag”. Fundamentally speaking, there’s very little difference between Howard and Brandon Vezmer suing his date for ditching him. One is framed as “fighting for love”, the other for “fighting against a threat to civilized society”1, but at the end of the day, the message is the same. He didn’t like or agree to how his relationship ended and now he’s determined to have the final word.
And that’s what makes this behavior troubling: he isn’t just trying to control the terms of their break up. He’s trying to control his ex.
Every Breath You Take (or: Controlling Your Ex By Controlling The Narrative)
Something that gets lost in the discussion of people like Howard is how profoundly manipulative their behavior is. To the general public, it’s a declaration of love: look how devoted he is to her! Look at how strongly he feels! In reality, however, these behaviors come with a very nasty message: “I love you so much that you owe me.” It presents love as a transaction: “I have done this for you and now you’re obligated to pay me back with your heart and body”.
But what makes it more sinister is that by making things this public, Howard enlists strangers into making his case for him… and overriding Rapunzel’s desires, not just to be quit of him, but for privacy.
One of the things that rom-coms never address is just how much pressure Grand Romantic Gestures put on the person on the receiving end of them. After all, once the world has seen your ex perform these extraordinary feats to get back into your good graces… how can you not take them back? What kind of monster wouldn’t have their heart stirred by such a rousing (and very, very public) demonstration of love?
Well… the kind who had perfectly good reasons for breaking up with them in the first place. And while it’s easy to say “well, he just wants to put this out there and she can take it or leave it,” the fact of the matter is: once the media caught hold of it, “taking it or leaving it” went out the window. Because where this was once just a private drama between two people, it’s become a phenomenon. It’s no longer just about them; the wider audience has become invested in the outcome. Her decision is no longer private or even hers any more.
Because this has caught the attention of the media, it’s started a timer. It’s just a matter of when, not if, someone outs “Rapunzel”. Once this happens, her control over her side of the story comes to an end. Now the pressure to respond becomes immense, almost to the point of impossibility. So now a private citizen, who ended a relationship, is forced to adjudicate her decision in front of the country, if not the world. And the big question that everyone will want to know is: “Will you take him back?”
And a very large number of people – people who now know who she is – are going to want to hear her say “yes”. People want to see the couple get back together because, hey, who doesn’t like to see True Love Win? Seeing the lovers reunited feeds our desire for a neat, satisfying narrative. They’re only going to see the “romance” of the situation, and will be very upset if she quite reasonably says “no” or “get the fuck away from me.”
As a result: now a formerly anonymous person isn’t “the woman with the crazy ex”. She’s the heartless bitch who threw away love. She’s the face of a dozen listicles proclaiming her “The reason why romance is dead”. She gets permanently connected to Howard, if only through Google… whether she wants it or not.
And there’s one more thing that makes this situation especially disturbing:
We Are Never Going To Get Back Together…
Something that is easily overlooked in the drama and production of this is that Howard and “Rapunzel” had only been dating for four months. Now, to be fair: to a high-school student, four months can feel like an eternity. But Howard is 34 years old. He’s a grown-ass man who is offering to break his body into pieces, to play until he can’t play any longer… for someone he’d dated for less time than the warranty on his phone.
That’s not a red flag. That’s multiple red flags. This is the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. This is a military parade through Tiananmen Square on Chairman Mao’s birthday.
Even if they had been together for a decade or more, this behavior would be disturbing. But at four months, you barely know one another. You are still deep in the honeymoon period, where flaws don’t exist because you’re fuck-drunk on one another. You’re still at a point where you, in all likelihood won’t fart in front of one another, nevermind have the sort of relationship that will be a love for the ages. And here is Luke Howard, trying to break himself into pieces in order to win back his ex. A relationship that didn’t last as long as a can of Spaghetti-Os in the cupboard.
At best, Howard’s actions are signs of questionable emotional intelligence. At worst, they’re sinister.
He may well have been hurt by this break up. Possibly even devastated. But the way to handle a bad breakup is to have a cry, eat a pizza and move on, not try to relitigate it in as public and dramatic a fashion as possible. If he wanted to get back together with his ex, he could have texted her and tried to simply reconnect. But reopening lines of communication, taking things slow and showing that circumstances had changed is hard. It’s a long and not always pleasant process and there’s no guarantee that she’d even be amenable to talking. This way, he can at least force a response and if he can’t prove a lover, then he can at least try to position himself as a martyr of love.
This isn’t romance. This is someone who can’t get over a break up. He just decided to drag his relationship into the public square instead.
- No, for real. [↩]
For the sake of my sanity, does anyone know of a movie/tv show/mode of entertainment that addresses the true implications (and effects) of the Grand Romantic Gesture that doesn’t turn into “stalker horror”? I would love to see this combated in a way that doesn’t turn the romantic dope suffering from Oneitis into a cartoonish villain. When that happens, it seems to be easy to dismiss the whole idea that the GRG is bad because “Obviously that guy was sick. I’M not like that!”
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend does, albeit in a comedic way.
Oh man, I really do love that show, tho.
I haven’t watched season 2 yet because I’m not ready for my favorite character to leave.
but puts it in another perspective. At least here where i’m from, woman are not seen making the romantic gesture, and if they do they are labeled as that, “crazy”, and no one does anything.
But the guy does it and the woman HAS to go back. PLus if you take into consideration the % of deaths and abuse by male partners, its plain scary.
I was stalked for two years by a guy i had been dating 3 months, just bc he wanted to get back together. I was scared to leave my house.
Yeah, I read the synopsis of season 1 and, it seems like it’s the girl pulling the GRG. If so, it can be easily dismissed as AKA Trishh said. If I’m wrong, please correct me.
I haven’t actually watched the show (because I have an extremely low tolerance for cringe comedy), but I’ve been following the reviews and songs because it looks interesting and the songs are amazing. And it’s pretty clear that under the humour and musical theatre it’s following a woman’s self destructive spiral into a pretty dark place.
I dated a guy who went through these crazy gestures as well. He thought it “romantic” – I was unnerved by it. In fact, I gave up going on an all expense paid cruise with his family and broke up with him because I had a very bad feeling, and I also could not justify allowing someone to pay my way for something like that. Sure enough, (as I found out through his family) that he had planned to propose in front of everyone on the cruise (and I at this point, was already known as “The Bitch.”) And shortly after he moved out, he started stalking me, showing up at my window at 3 in the morning. I quietly moved out of state to get away from him.
Up in the Air?
Read the plot synopsis, but it wasn’t clear where the GRG was. And the rest of the synopsis had my shoulders going up to cover my ears. 🙁
Dude flew out to see lady impulsively, discovered she had a whole bunch of stuff going on in her life other than hanging out with him, then left and went on with his life.
Not everyone’s cup of tea of a movie (it wasn’t clear if you were looking for recommendations or just examples) but it has the trope without either a lovey dovey or stalker ending.
The way they subverted that totally shocked me. I think it’s an excellent film, complicated and not always “nice”. As you say, not everyone’s cup of tea, but you go in with expectations and they keep throwing you for a loop.
Was looking for examples, so no worries. 🙂
Slightly different variation of the trope, but in Bojack Horseman, Mr. Peanutbutter does this in his relationship with Diane. It’s done as a “hey honey, here’s something extra special” as opposed to “please come back” though. Still deconstructed.
Bojack himself does it to Diane twice. In both cases he either winds up not going through with it, or having Mr. Peanutbutter steal his thunder. Or giant ‘D’.
Todd’s speech to Bojack about Diane making her own choices and him not liking it is great.
Sort of an attempted GRG gone terribly, cringeworthy wrong, kind of: The opening scene of the movie “Happiness” (Jon Lovitz, Jane Adams, 1998). It’s on Youtube.
Just the opening. The entire movie is an acquired taste. Todd Solondz is not for everyone.
Brutally accurate breakdown, DNL.
I couldn’t handle someone knowing I was so broken up over them, never mind making them feel I was an utter nitwit in the process. The martyrdom at play, and the people celebrating it, is horrible.
Wow… Goddamnit Howard!
Why can’t you “win post-breakup” the normal way? Attempt a ridiculous amounts of one night stands and also routinely turn down commitment, even years down the road when you happen upon people who suit you better than your ex ever did! That’s how the pros do it, alright.
Kidding, of course.
Both that thing and the shenanigans he’s up to are about winning and pushing guilt, but it shouldn’t even be like that. It doesn’t matter if your partner is the one who walked out, and you are more hurt about it than he/she.
The thing to do if it happens is to try to get oneself in order. Turn to friends, and counselling if it’s too much to handle.. and THEN start to make new independent choices which have f all to do with the ex, in any capacity. Though I think that many guys ignore that option, counselling especially, because it becomes like admitting defeat to the ex in that imaginary competition they’ve got going.
“Attempt a ridiculous amounts of one night stands and also routinely turn down commitment, even years down the road when you happen upon people who suit you better than your ex ever did! That’s how the pros do it, alright.”
Coffee sprayed out of my nose reading this one.
A very cynical part of me wonders if he is, in fact, angling for ridiculous numbers of one night stands (whether to make his ex jealous or for their own sake) by portraying himself as romantic and sad and in need of comfort. I hope it doesn’t work, at least not with anyone he’d want to have a one night stand with, but it might. There are still women who buy into this myth, especially if they haven’t been on the receiving end of a grand romantic gesture yet.
It feels like in a reasonable world, every woman would look at this man and go: “This dude will probably stalk me if we ever break up.”
And even if he didn’t, he did this after only four months. He obviously can’t let shit go normally. You just know the sad clown is never gonna shut up about the meanie who broke his heart and how special and pure their love was until she ruined it with her agency and well-rounded non-clown-centric life. About all of them, probably. And if he has this much free time, and uses it like this, then love is probably is main hobby. He’s gonna have a lot of them to roast to your sympathetic ear.
This, aswell as:
“and if he’s not a stalker it may be a tactic to get laid, potentially even pretending to want new relationships until he can comfortably break them of with a bogus explanation of not being over his ex”
Interesting! and yes, perhaps that’s what he’s actually doing.
If you think about it, it also gives him an out of every other fling:
“Thanks for spending time with me but boohoo, I miss her sooo much! These wounds they will not heal”.
Roughly speaking, I feel like the toxic masculinity script doesn’t really encompass the great romantic gesture per se. Possessiveness and entitlement ties in, and stalking exes are facets of it, but I don’t see outspoken endorsement of either.
However, what absolutely is an outspoken part of toxic masculinity is the idea of immediately sleeping with a bunch of other people after breakup, and to treat those dates as disposable as possible.
It’s almost always suggested in groups of young guys when someone just suffered a break up.
I pretty much thought the same thing; that even if he didn’t win his ex back his grandstanding might attract a/some new vict- interests.
I wish people would start calling this by its former name, which is “Making A Scene.” It’s no different to standing outside someone’s house and screaming that you’ve changed and you deserve a second chance and anyway they’re no prize and is this cos you didn’t do the dishes? Well SORRY you’re not a neat freak like THEM, but you’ll buy them a dishwasher if they just let you in.
Nah, it’s only making a scene when hysterical women do it! /s
The ugly truth. It’s amazing the reactions you get from people who think GRGs are ok when you say, “What would you think about this situation if the genders were switched?”
Exactly. I can just see what the comments on this particular situation would be if Howard was Holly instead.
I wish people would start calling this by its former name, which is “Making A Scene.”
I love being able to simplify these kinds of things down to basic manners and that is perfect! Due, you’re making a scene. You’re just embarrassing yourself and the rest of us are embarrassed for you.
” to let her know how much I love her, that she can see it and then take it or leave it”
Boy, that makes me wanna pop him. She can’t “leave it” anymore, can she? I mean, surely by this point she’s heard about it. She hasn’t come rushing into your arms, dude. She left it.
I wish she wouldn’t have to do anything. But if she feels inclined to spectacle herself, she could always set up some boom boxes to blast every “kicking you to the curb”-type break-up song she can think of.
I know. Dude, I’m pretty sure she “saw” your feelings long ago and LEFT IT!
“But if she feels inclined to spectacle herself, she could always set up some boom boxes to blast every “kicking you to the curb”-type break-up song she can think of.”
But then she only re-enforces the narrative that she’s the “Heartless Bitch Who Spits On Love”.
Eh, at this point, I’d embrace it.
I mean, it could be that, or make really big signs explaining what a jerk he was.
Personally, I’d embrace it as well, but I’ve gone way past the “behold the fields in which I grow my fucks and verily they are barren” stage. I’ve also got the privilege of being an older professional with a good network of people who would back me up with loud cries of “FUCK THAT GUY!” If she isn’t fortunate enough to have those advantages, it can be pretty terrible to have the romance hyenas nipping at you.
Oh yeah, nah, I would also totally understand if she just wants to hide.
For the folks out there who make this mistake in less obviously misguided ways, this applies even when your partner has been complaining about that exact thing. A public proposal isn’t necessarily going to get a yes from someone who’s leaving because you’re not romantic enough and don’t want to get married, and booking a surprise trip (to somewhere your partner doesn’t want to go) isn’t going to solve several years of fighting about conflicting budgets and work schedules preventing any vacations. If they’re at the point of leaving, you need to have a conversation about changing in a sustained way, and a ring at a sibling’s graduation party probably isn’t going to make up for long periods of emotional neglect. (Looking at you, friend’s ex.)
Yeah. Fixing a relationship is not like surgery where the surgeon swoops in, removes the “problem”, and saunters out. It’s more like internal medicine where a problem must be addressed over a long period of time with consistent therapies and lifestyle change. And, even with both sides working as hard as they can to resolve the issue, the relationship can still “die”.
Plus, if they’ve been telling you what they need, and it was something you were able to provide all along but you didn’t care enough to give it to them until you saw them leave, you’ve already outed yourself as someone who is only willing to do the bare minimum and is just trying to figure out what it is. And how do you even bounce back from that without looking emotionally cheap.
I never understood why in US is so popular the public marriage proposal, for ex. during basketball matches.
So annoying, even in cases where it’s seems like the woman both planned on saying yes and wanted to be proposed to at a sporting event. I’m admittedly Grinchy about this sort of thing, but thousands of people you’ve never met don’t care about your engagement. The public part of the marriage stuff is the wedding, which people still get invited to and can decline invitations to.
I still remember a funny moment with the “Kiss Cam”. It was getting close on what they THOUGHT was a you g couple, hoping for them to make out or something, only for the guy to hold up a sign saying, “She’s my sister.”
Back when we actually had a hockey team in town and my buddy and I would go, I would dread the odds of us winding up on a kiss cam.
The best one ever is the one where the woman is obviously with someone else, and the man ends up kissing his beer.
I ship it
I told my husband repeatedly, back when he was just my boyfriend, that if anyone ever proposed to me publicly (or asked my parents for permission!!), I would say no just for that.
Our proposal was very private and only involved us. 😉
Yeah the public ones put unfair pressure on the other person to say yes even when they really aren’t sure about they want to.
Plus it’s also very awkward in real life.
Some years ago I was supervising an entry test session at the university where I work.
About 30 minutes before the end, a man, all dressed up with a bouquet, asked me if he could enter to propose to his girlfriend, who was attending the test.
It was against the rules to let a stranger enter the classroom, so he did it in the corridor.
Public proposal here in Italy is not a thing.
Every time I tell this story to a woman, 99% her reaction is “Creepy.” or “Weird.”
That is creepy and horrific and also even setting aside the issue of public proposals…why on earth would anyone think that interrupting a test for university was a good idea?
It’s a bad idea on every level and it blows my mind that anyone thought; “This is definitely a good idea that won’t backfire, interrupting her during a closed exam session!”
I can think of two paths of “logic” that might lead some idiot down that road.
1.) She’s so stressed over that test. You know, proposing in the middle of it would be the perfect way to make her feel better!
2.) She’ll be so tired out during that test that her defenses will be down, and she’ll say yes easily!
Number one is just incredibly clueless while number two is a bit more manipulative and sinister.
Aside from also “She won’t expect it!”, there is alas a number 3 – “I will have a captive audience!”
Honestly of all the things that bug me about this, NOT being the person being proposed to and having my rhythm interrupted to witness this BS . . . that would piss me right off. Also would I be given extra time that the proposal took up?
3.) He really wants to sabotage her test so that she won’t get ideas/meet new people.
And he’s not just interrupting her. He’s interrupting everyone taking the test.
My reaction would be “Stupid”.
Maybe he was hoping she’d fail the test.
He probably thought he was being ”romantic.”
SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Reminds me of surprise proposals in front of a huge crowd – that would be my living nightmare. Either you are forced to say yes as to not make a scene and give into the literal pressure of the crowd to say yes OR be forced into public humiliation by saying no and being That Bitch who broke his heart.
Seriously, my shoulders are up around my ears right now. I had an ex who did a slightly less dramatic version of this; he apparently devoted an entire album to me and our breakup and I didn’t find out until much later when he decided (on his own, after I told him there would be zero romance between us) that we were destined to be together, whether I wanted it or not. That did not end well.
Oh ew ew ew ew.
ohhh yes indeedy yikes. That was the one who turned into a stalker who wouldn’t listen to ME when I said no, dude not happening but listened to my father when he (stalker) came knocking at my door to talk reason into me.
I now imagine either a dad with a shot gun or a militaty veteran welcoming your ex at the door.
The thought gives me pleasure, but it sadly does show that dudes only listen to what dudes say.
Dude thought process:
Guys = No means no
Girls = No Maybe maybe maybe Yes
My father does a good Intimidation, thankfully. Without a shotgun too 😀 I wish Doctor Nerdlove had been around circa 2005 – I would have learned all about these behaviors and what a ‘red flag’ meant and how my Ex had enough of them to send me running for the hills instead of trying to be nice and understand him and make him feel comfortableugghghgghhh….
screaming forever now…
i mean… y i k e s
Yeah, I always did wonder why nobody talks about that aspect of the surprise proposal. I’d much rather us talk about it beforehand and actually stage something we both agreed to, be creative, ya know? There’s consent and it’s not horribly cliche!
Yessss!!! Talk about it before hand and THEN make a staged production out of it. Get creative with it, hire a hot air balloon and a choir, but for God’s sake make sure your significant other is on board with it!!!
I’ll second this! If you’re going to surprise someone with your proposal, let it be your friends and family instead of your boy/girlfriend! Go over the top! Go under, around and through the top for good measure! Just don’t put the one you say you love more than anything through something that has the potential to be massively uncomfortable at the very least.
Even if I had been positively disposed towards marrying someone before, if they pulled that it would be an immediate break up offense.
Absolutely.
A friend of mine pointed out to me that Ed Sheeran does this in a lot of his songs, as does Taylor Swift… except Taylor gets roasted for doing it and Ed doesn’t.
Nah, Taylor does the Our Breakup Was All Your Fault thing. Childish, but at least it allows the other party agency.
All of this, also, takes Howard at his word that the break up was just a fizzling of the relationship, which is what he sees, but I think many people can relate to having felt uncomfortable or scared of someone they are dating and trying to find a way to call things off without inciting their rage or other behavior that could be dangerous. The grand romantic gesture is on the other end of the horseshoe of break-up behavior from threatening or trying to take one’s own life. It’s an “ultimate” gesture that becomes all the more scary for the person who is trying to sever ties.
Yeah, when I saw the bit when he said it wasn’t anything bad, it was just life getting in the way, I was all like “Uh huh, sure.” More likely there was something about him and/or the way he was in the relationship that made ‘Rapunzel’ feel the need to break up and he was completely ignorant of this (possibly willfully ignorant).
Yeah. I also raised my bro at “nothing bad happened” and “if it did we would break up”.
I think there were more issues with that relationship then he was letting on
I think the term here is “unreliable narrator”.
Is it normal for two people who break it off on good terms (according to him) to just stop communicating with each other completely? Her cutting off contact doesn’t seem like a “life getting in the way” kind of sign. And anyway, a GRG wouldn’t exactly fix those circumstances; life will still be there, in the way.
I think it’s within the range of normal. I tend to default to that if there aren’t shared friends, especially in relationships of the 4 month sort. I think it’s also pretty common to want space for a month or so and then be willing to be cordial later on. Plus, this guy seems like the whyyyyyyy sort, and talking about what went wrong within them doesn’t tend to help if you’re done rather than looking for solutions.
But this still could be a breakup because she thinks Howard has a nasty temper or is telling her what to wear and who to talk to. Howard’s not a reliable source. But even if it’s something more like “we are not sexually compatible and I’m not into the idea of working on it” or “met someone who knocked my socks off last week and think I’d rather ask him out” or “Howard’s kind of cramping my roller derby schedule and I’d rather do that right now,” this is still not the way to fix it.
I think so! I broke up pretty amicably with someone after five months last year and we unfriended each other and haven’t talked since. Sometimes you date for a while and you just realize you don’t really like each other as people, even though no one did anything horrible, and what’s the point of keeping in touch then?
Se any Dr Nerdlove article featuring the Nuclear Option. Yeah, it’s a thing. It’s a way to avoid heaping fresh pain on the pain of a breakup. Once thinking about [person] doesn’t make things worse, you can always go back and reopen those lines of communication.
I’d say it’s normal for at least a month or two. People need time to process a breakup and you can’t do that if you’re still texting each other all the time to talk about stuff.
Surely there’s some sort of nuisance ordinance that can be applied to this twerp?
He did it right before a planned community protest, too.
And apparently the lady love is very organized and practical and he wants to show her he’s serious? Which really exacerbates the This Isn’t How Any of This Works aspect of the stunt.
Seriously, that is the height of entitlement, using an organized protest to get attention for your obnoxious gesture.
It sounds like he didn’t know…though he still went ahead with it after he did.
Here in Peru, we had something like that I think last year or the year before that. This guy had a GIGANTIC teddy bear, flowers and was waiting at the airport for his ex.
Turns out the public turned against the girl for not showing up, and they sent death threats to her.
Welcome to machismo land and the number 1 country in latin america for violence against women.
If you have the time you can check this articles about it:
http://utero.pe/2016/10/24/esta-es-toda-la-ola-de-violencia-que-desato-la-noticia-del-chico-choteado-del-peluche-gigante/
*facepalm* And my mother keeps asking me “Why are you so angry about this?” “This” being misogyny/patriarchy/other social injustice. Because SHIT LIKE THIS KEEPS HAPPENING, MOM!
Oh, also. I was stalked for two years by a guy i dated for 3 months. I was scared to go out. I still avoid certain places and told the people we have in common that I would kick his ass if I ever saw him near me.
Thankfully I am very intimidating in that regard and he left me alone.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. 🙁
uggghh, scary. I feel you – I still get messages from my stalker ten years later asking why can’t we be friends. I’ve done a lot ( A LOT) of reading about stalking, stalking laws, and alll the behavior behind it (Why Does He Do That, Lundy Bancroft – highly recommended) and it turns out escalating quickly, like wanting to get married after a month or so, is usually a red flag. Had I but knoooooown.
You think after 10 years, he’d learn to move the fick on. Can you block him?
Article B Section 3.4 – ‘though shalt not contact with thine stalker Ex in any capacity lest you encourage ill omened elucidation’
Honestly, contacting a stalker, even to tell him (or her) off, will only get you at least another three months of hardcore stalking (any attention is good attention). You can’t have ANY and I mean ANY contact with them after you draw a line. I don’t reply, I just block and move on.
I am sorry. I did not mean to tell the guy to fuck off. I mean just to block him when his message appears.
Like
Stalker: *send message*
Mmarple: *instablock*
Initial twitter reports are that he has stopped playing.
https://twitter.com/hollium/status/907231992596623361
https://twitter.com/BristOliver/status/907151476346286080
https://twitter.com/mc_jeffo/status/907316229324537856
Betcha the cops approached him and told him to knock that shit off.
It is one thing to have a violin, a guitar, or a sax player because you can easily pack up and go… but having a big ass piano stuck in the middle is probably gonna cause some issues
no, someone bonked him on the head.. Which isn’t cool because assault but at least he got the point that his behavior was unacceptable..
tho I doubt he truly got why besides “its annoying to other people who, contrary to my assumptions wont be angry at her but at me”
I’m not necessarily recommending this, but I think if I was in her situation, I would be sorely tempted to escalate. To just go ahead and air the dirty laundry. Clear, one-sentence statement to the press: “I broke up with him because…”
Like if he gets to invade *her* privacy, there’s no reason not to take the earnest nice-guy image he is trying to project and dash it to pieces in front of everyone else. Especially if the reason is as ugly as I suspect, since after all, normal men who treat their girlfriends nicely do not do this shit. This act implies at the very least that he was demeaning and controlling, and for all we know it might have been worse.
Unfortunately chances are the boyfriend would spin it around. Unless he physically abused her or raped her, the boyfriend can go, “But it was a MISUNDERSTANDING!”
The best way to play this is to not play. If someone on facebook brings it up, she can say, “I have no idea who he is,” or “I don’t care.”
Eh, the reality is, there’s not a “good” way to react to this, which is *exactly why dudebro did it*. She can try to ignore it, but people will bug her about it, and she will inevitably be labeled mean or cold or a bitch. She can respond (which I know would feel more satisfying, at the very least), but that will probably make her enemies, too. Basically, he’s set it up so that if she *doesn’t* come back to him begging to get back together, she looks like the bad guy.
The tide of public opinion tends toward finding fault with women. He would even have to spin it. Media and the people on the street would do it for him. Even if he physically abused or raped her, public opinion would no doubt turn against her. “Whatever he did to her, she probably deserved it. That she was a stone-cold bitch enough to turn down his Grand Romantic Gesture proves it.” Hurray for misogyny and rape culture.
It IS tempting but if I’ve learned anything through interactions on the internets and in life is don’t roll in the mud with the pigs; you’ll just get dirty and they’ll love it. Look what happened with Zoe Quinn : ( HOW long ago was it she was crucified by internet misogynists and they STILL go after her today because her boyfriend decided to air dirty (lying if not a highly colored version of ‘truth’) laundry and eeeeeveryone sided with him against her even though he was a lying liar? Yeah, best leave it be.
I agree with almost everything in this article, but one thing bothers me… everyone is high on this „only 4 months” thing, like it doesn’t matter. I had a 3 months relationship and I was very devastated when it ended. Just few days ago was the 3rd anniversary of our break-up, and while I accepted it a long time ago and now I’m actively looking for a new relationship; I’m still not 100% over my last relationship, it still has an effect on me. Regardless that it lasted only 3 months, it was very deep for me. Does it make me a bad person, or does it mean something’s wrong with me?
I don’t think it means you’re a bad person at all. If the relationship’s end still causes you stress or pain, that might be something you want to address, but I’d say that’s a personal choice.
I do think the length of a relationship can affect the other person’s role in the breakup, though. A relationship of several years might involve some conversations about returning possessions or involve shared friends, so there might be more contact, while someone who’s ended a relationship of several months might not be expecting to hear from an ex again at all. But it is a bit of a side point, as this wouldn’t be appropriate even if a spouse of fifty years left.
Probably I should add that it was my first relationship at age 25. It was the first time I felt that someone really understands and loves me. But if the end of a 3 month relationship felt that bad – it affected my daily functioning, couldn’t concentrate at work and couldn’t make myself to do anything worthy, was kind of depressed for months –, I’m really not looking forward to experience the end of a long-term relationship… What would it be like if it lasted for years?
People’s reactions to a relationship ending can be affected by a lot of factors, they’re not always directly proportional to how long the relationship lasted. But how deeply affected you were by your relationship ending might still be information to to take into account that it would be helpful to you to work on building up some extra coping skills and resources for handling loss so that you’re more prepared to handle the feelings in any future breakups.
The end of a relationship can feel all kinds of ways. Sometimes it’s incredibly painful. Sometimes you’ve been trying to fix things so long you just feel tired. Sometimes it feels good to be free, even sometimes when it wasn’t your decision.
I would say that having trouble with daily life for months is something worth talking to someone about if it ever happens in a future breakup, however long the relationship. It’s not a bad or wrong thing, but it’s sometimes a sign of needing someone to listen and give advice. As for the rest, new relationships can be very intense, but sometimes it’s good to remember that you’re getting to know someone and they’re getting to know you – even the most deep feeling of understanding often is coupled with some things that people need to discover over time.
If that’s really how you feel, you might consider counseling.
I very much agree with eselle and Enail, but would like to stress that, this is not an oppositional view of relationships on the whole, that they instead should be seen as easy come, easy go, (and all people are replacable). Each is unique and you’ll never share exact in details the same one with any other person again, though on the other hand, others have unique things to bring that you’ve never known and won’t know until you’re with them instead.
This is a fact of life discussion really. The drawback of getting into a relationship is that it can end, and that’s something we all must develop some resolve to handle. The same thing could be said about coping with death. Why bother getting to know anyone very closely in case we one day might have to stand on their funeral feeling like the heart’s been cut out of the body?
Also, to develop coping skills, with or without professional help is not about correcting a character flaw, or adress a lack of maturity but to diminish some of that unavoidable emotional risk we face.
(I hope this doesn’t come across like baby talk or assumtion that you don’t already know these things. It’s very much an open reply to the board kind of thing)
That’s correct. I know it might sound morbid so don’t get me wrong, but when I was down, I also drew a parallel between break-up and death. When she left me, in a way it was like if she died to me. In a way, it was even worse. If she died, that would have been an external circumstance that neither of us can control. But as she broke up, I didn’t only need to accept that I lost her, I also had to face the fact that it is her own decision. Someone I accepted as my ally, who I believed to love me, whom we had plans together (will elaborate below), decided to throw all this away and cancel our relationship. In a way, it was harder to accept than if she died. Now I don’t want this to come off as morbid, I really didn’t want her to die, and I’m glad that she’s alive and (hopefully) well, and I wish all the bests to her; but at that time, I mourned her like she was dead.
At that time, a friend of mine said that I was involved too soon, and it will cause a lot of trouble for me. I think that’s totally right. Probably this is what I should avoid in the future, to allow myself to be entangled early on. Making long term plans like we’ll move in together was really too soon, even though she was the one who brought it up for the first time. We didn’t actually do that, but we were daydreaming a lot about living together, she seemed to be very enthusiastic about it.
I just want to say that I don’t think it’s morbid at all. I think it’s something a lot of us think when we’ve been dumped. I know I have. So don’t think what you’re thinking makes you weird or anything. It’s a very normal thought. And mourning the end of a relationship is what so many people say to do. There’s a reason we use those terms.
And definitely be wary of moving too fast. Even if someone else brings it up. Some people get caught up in a moment and quite as easily get disentangled from it. Others fall into the rabbit hole and can’t get out. You need to know which pace is best for you and make sure you have boundaries. Even if they are internal ones like: “Okay so she’s talking about moving in, but I don’t think we’re there yet. Let’s change the subject.”
It makes perfect sense. The actual woman herself didn’t die, but the person he thought she was–i.e. someone who would be his loving partner forever–is irrevocably gone, replaced by the person she turned out to be–i.e. someone who decided that breaking up with him was preferable to staying with him. There’s no shade thrown on her for not being the person he wanted her to be! But the person he wanted her to be is no more and never will be. Acknowledging that is all sorts of like grieving a death.
Also gone: his hopes for a future with her, the shape of the future he’d come to expect, a particular happy ending he was expecting for his story. Etc. There’s a lot to grieve when a relationship ends!
It’s healthy to acknowledge the losses you’re grieving while accepting that those losses have happened and they cannot nor should not “unhappen.”
Careful there…
I knew there were those likely flaws to the analogy when I wrote it, but I decided against spelling it out since even tangentially morbid reasonings do not rightly belong on an open self-help blog.
That’s not to say I suspect you being twisted or anything. It looks to me that you’re essentially a good guy but someone who might be feeling things a bit stronger than usual perhaps, and need to find ways to deal with that.
There’s also a thing about emotional sharing that’s been covered in lots of past articles that it’s better to vent with a bit more control, avoid the dramatics and retain focus on the constructive, or you might end up either burdening or igniting the readers.
I mourned her like she was dead. kind of fails on that note.
That might be the stuff you can run by your friend in private though.
Please take that into consideration.
Right….. you do know that you never truly know someone, even people you have known your whole life. She didn’t reall understood or loved you. She was probably the first person you opened up too so that’s why it felt like “she knew you so well”. But for her you were probably just another person. Or to quote Street Fighte the movie “For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday.”
Edit: I am assuming this was a heterosexual partnership and you are a dude. If not you know just change the gender pronunciation in your head.
Are you familiar with the writings of Shan Yu?
“Live with a man 40 years. Share his house, his meals. Speak on every subject. Then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano’s edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man.”
„But seriously don’t date anyone for a long time, you don’t sound like you are emotionally capable of it.”
You’re not in the position to judge what am I capable of emotionally (or at all, for that matter). And anyway, for how long I should not date? Even though my first relationship affected me deeply, I don’t think I should sit around for more years to come, I’ll be ~30 in a year.
While you may be right that „you never truly know someone”, what should I do with that? If you live your life with the assumption that no one will ever understand, know, or love you, you sure are a bitter person. While I don’t know exactly what I was to her, I’m sure I was more than „just another person”. That being said, I understand your point that we may have not known each other very well after 3 months, but I don’t think it’s so binary that it means that she didn’t understand or love me.
Imma approach this from a slightly different side:
People don’t wanna date someone who’s still hung up on an ex, less so if that ex was years ago. There’s the issue of feeling like a replacement or placeholder. And there’s the very real issue that someone who hasn’t processed their previous relationship will dump those issues right on their new partner’s head. These are very valid feelings.
So, how does that impact you?
It means do the work to get over your ex, as a kindness to yourself and also any future partners.
That being said, I’m gonna poke at your worries: Are you truly still hung up on your ex? Because being over someone doesn’t mean you don’t think of them: you can even think of them wistfully, in a what-might-have-been way, every now and then. You can recognize you fell into a bad place after the breakup and do the work to ensure that doesn’t happen again. You can recognize you moved too fast and work out why/how that can be improved in the future, etc…
In addition to eselle’s excellent points, there’s a difference if the total relationship (not just romantic but also friendship or time known) was much longer. I definitely agree that one can be very affected by a short relationship (even when the person was a total stranger) but couples usually need some time to see beyond everything they’re projecting on their new partner (hence the rosy honeymoon period, where the thrill of love and making a connection are the strongest) and get to the truth of how the two fit as a couple. That doesn’t make anything you feel or live in the early relationship days less real. But during that period you’re filling some pretty big blanks about the other with your fantasies, and also animated with a ‘woohoo, i’m not alone, someone digs me’ feeling.
A breakup after a few months is reality crashing with that fantasy.
This guy’s issue, on top of being selfish and dramatic, is that he’s holding very tight to that fantasy.
Have you considered therapy. Most normal adults get over there three month relationship pretty fast. So maybe instead of being a loser that fixates on something so small you can actually fix your problems. But seriously don’t date anyone for a long time, you don’t sound like you are emotionally capable of it.
Yes, calling someone in distress abnormal and a loser is super helpful.
My original comment wasn’t the most nicely phrased (and I am sorry, I don’t want to drive anyone away from this community). He did ask about wether or not it’s normal or something, and it’s not. And it does make him kinda of a loser.
But luckily loserhood is a state of temporary existence and I believe in the commenter that he can work through his issues and come out as a better person. The fact that he’s commenting here is all ready a great start.
It really doesn’t make him a loser at all. Not being “normal”, if I even agree with your premise that he isn’t, does not therefore make someone a loser. It just means that they have a different kind of personality and might need different coping mechanisms.
And btw, when it’s your first relationship and you fall hard, getting over it can be tough. And if you don’t get into relationships easily, and so you haven’t had many, if any, since that one, it can be even tougher. Now I agree, learning how to get over something is an important life skill. But not knowing how to does not make anyone a loser. It just makes them someone who still has something to learn.
I find you saying that incredibly unkind, and the fact that you doubled down on it even more so.
“Loser” isn’t an objective term, it’s basically just a catchall term for someone that the person using the word judges to not meet their ideal of success, which is also not objective. If you want to judge people to be failing for having more intense distress than the average, own that that’s your opinion, don’t act like you’re just stating some kind of objective fact.
Sorry. Why isn’t it normal to deeply grieve a 3 month relationship? It may not seem logical to you, but sometimes we feel really, really deeply.
Wow, that’s a shitty thing to say. People feel the emotions they feel, and even if they’re unusual things to feel in a given situation or they affect the person feeling them in negative ways, I don’t think they’re something to denigrate or a marker of failure. It’s okay to feel things.
There is no “most normal people” here any more than there is in the death of a loved one. Many people grieve ended relationships, and there is no “right” way to experience grief nor for any “right” duration.
There are, however, wrong ways to treat people who are grieving. You just committed one of them.
If I’m totally fair to Piano Scene-Maker Man, he may be feeling panicky because he’s 34 and thinks he should have a wife/girlfriend locked in by now, but yet AGAIN it’s all fallen apart for reasons that he doesn’t think are valid. I get that, I feel that way sometimes too.
“If I’m totally fair to Piano Scene-Maker Man”
Billy Joel didn’t die for you to besmirch the good name of the Piano Man by linking it to this schlub. (j/king)
” he may be feeling panicky because he’s 34 and thinks he should have a wife/girlfriend locked in by now, but yet AGAIN it’s all fallen apart for reasons that he doesn’t think are valid”
I think that’s incredibly generous and there’s probably a lot of truth in that but I just can’t bring myself to empathize with this dude.
I REALLY hope the media doesn’t dig this woman up, but I will admit there’s a part of me that wants them to at least find a friend of his who’ll spill the tea because I can’t help but feel anyone who does this sort of giant performative public gesture probably had some serious issues inside the relationship.
And, you know, that doesn’t mean I don’t think he should get help or that we shouldn’t try to understand what lead him to this place, but…damn, this is just one of those so things that’s so egregious that someone should have staged an intervention.
Like…I don’t think he got the piano out there by himself, and I would hope if I ever were to do something even remotely as self-damaging and damaging to a person I claim to love someone would step in and take me aside and just get me drunk and or high until the mania had passed.
Oh it’s not an excuse at all and he is a classic example of “Fellas, Don’t Do This, Like, Ever”.
I disagree with some other commentators in that I don’t think he was necessarily a horrible boyfriend or manipulative in other ways. There’s probably a spectrum from Clueless to Abusive in cases like this, and I blame a) the media b) shitty to non-existent sex and relationships education for the Clueless element.
(also, fuck you for making me rush to check whether Billy Joel was still alive ;-P)
“I don’t think he was necessarily a horrible boyfriend or manipulative in other ways.” I agree, with a caveat that neediness can become abusive or at least a strong and unpleasant emotional pressure.
To me he sounds more like the type of guy who puts the emotional cart in front of the horse, leaving a woman to wonder if it’s *her* he likes or if he’s living the relationship in a parallel universe where she’s his everything after a mere few months, because *he* needs things to be intense and special.
I mean, he does this after 4 months, would he say ‘if you leave me I’ll kill myself’ after 6? Too much intensity isn’t cute, it’s selfish and scary.
Yeah, I didn’t think you were making an excuse, and I do think that while a lot of guys wouldn’t do anything as OTT as this, there’s still a wide range of lesser grand romantic gestures that they’d attempt just because they think that’s the thing to do since it’s always rewarded both in fiction and in the general media and the way they cover this stuff.
As with most things, I don’t think there’s some deep dark secret (that he was a horrible abusive boyfriend), but I definitely think there’s more to the story, possibly even things he doesn’t realize, that no one but those that know the couple, and even then maybe not, are going to know.
I have to feel that a guy who’d go to such lengths…even if he wasn’t a “bad” boyfriend, couldn’t maybe be a very trying person to be in a relationship with because he seems to have internalized so much BS about relationships from the media, specifically not knowing when they’re over.
(I thought the joking tag would cover the state of Billy Joel! Sorry!)
“(also, fuck you for making me rush to check whether Billy Joel was still alive ;-P)”
Yes. I wuz gonna say.
(Spoiler: He’s still alive, y’all!)
“because he’s 34 and thinks he should have a wife/girlfriend locked in by now, but yet AGAIN it’s all fallen apart for reasons that he doesn’t think are valid”
This sounds like some of the commenters we get here.
And then I wandered over to Captain Awkward and found she’d signal-boosted this: “After you break up with someone, how do you move on?” It seems relevant to you and everyone else in this sub-thread.
https://captainawkward.com/2017/09/12/dear-dana-after-you-break-up-with-someone-how-do-you-move-on/
This is a little late. There is nothing wrong with you and you’re not a bad person. You felt intensely and were hurt badly. It sucks and eventually you will be over it.
I had the pre-teen summer-camp version of this.
I’d broken up with him because he was, as 13- or 14-year-old boys tend to be, fairly immature, and recent incidents had made this clear. The last straw involved his destruction of something of mine he’d borrowed because it was funny for him and his friends to watch me get mad about it.
Several days later, the “morning radio show” (the wake-up call, campus announcements, etc. over the PA which was DJ’d by various student volunteers) included my ex-boyfriend dedicating a song to me with the message “I’m sorry.” My girl friends were all, “Oh, that’s so romantic. You’re taking him back, right?” They were very disappointed with me for saying no, but thankfully I didn’t get attacked/insulted/etc. over it. Plus the attention span of 3-week academic summer camp attendees can be small for certain things. So, yay.
I, too, being 13 or 14 years old, I couldn’t easily articulate why this apology left me unmoved. With some 30 years between then and now, I can.
1. Nothing about this “radio” apology indicated a future change in his behavior; I had no reason to be confident that clowning around and getting a few laughs wasn’t more important to him than respect for other people.
2. He certainly never said what he was apologizing for and what he’d do better in the future, so how could I even be sure he knew *why* I was mad at him? As far as I knew, his point of view was “She broke up with me! I don’t know why! Random act of mysterious girl brain, I guess–but I hear that girl-brains come with big shiny ROMANCE buttons; if I press her ROMANCE button she’ll be un-mad at me and take me back, right?”
3. The public apology was a little *too* like the behavior that led me to break up with him–both were performances done to elicit public appreciation. He was so funny! He was so romantic! So, if anything, it was an indication he’d just do the same shit all over again.
4. He hadn’t done the hard work of apologizing to my face. The nice thing about radio apologies is, you don’t have to look the person you wronged in the eye. Like Doc says, Grand Romantic Gestures are so much easier than working out relationship problems or making amends for having hurt someone.
I feel fortunate that this was my only experience with the Grand Romantic Gesture.
This article ended up being serendipitous for me.
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been having really powerful impulses towards getting back with my ex. After seven years of separation, I would have thought I would have gone through this kind of thing sooner, so having the desire show up now sort of blindsided me. It started out as just a sexual impulse, but I eventually realized that I’m just sort of starved for intimacy and I guess that deficiency finally came to a head. Since my ex was the last woman I had any intimate contact with, I guess there’s still some emotional muscle memory kicking in.
Helped in part by my therapist and by comparing my situation critically to elements of this article, I had to realize that the reasons I am not still with my ex are still valid, that a strict desire for sex/physical intimacy aren’t enough to allow for falling back into old, dysfunctional patterns.
…the impulse is still there. So far, I’ve been able to resist it. I just hope I can continue to do so until the urge passes.
It sounds like you know that trying to hook back up with your ex, even for just a physical thing, wouldn’t be healthy for you, and I think that’s a good thing to be aware of and careful or.
There’s plenty of people who don’t have that level of insight or self-reflection and would just do it without thinking of the moment and then be that much further back in terms of getting over things or would get roped back into old drama and…well, I’ve seen those situations go spectacularly wrong, so props on knowing and being strong enough to resist that.
Yeah, I’ve been sort of caught between attributing my reticence to strength of will and personal insight…or simply abject cowardice against finding out my ex just isn’t attracted to me anymore, but, yanno, whatever works, right?
Well any girl I propose too won’t have to worry about this because I don’t like crowds and public places to begin with. If I had just broke up with somebody I wouldn’t have any desire to do a GRG. If a text or call won’t do it, nothing else will get her back though movies paint a different story. I do remember in high school I did something of a GRG but I didn’t know the slightest how to talk to girls back then so I thought I had to do something special. All and all it was cool though cause I didn’t make a big deal out of it when she didn’t feel the same way.
I think people (and especially this guy) need to realize that ‘I love you’ is a less powerful sentence than pop media has it being. ‘i love you’ doesn’t trump ‘I treat you wrong’ or even just ‘we’re not compatible’. I have no doubt her dumping him had nothing to do with the depth of his love.
He’s being dramatic and an attention seeker, and it’s obvious he’s put his ex on a massive pedestal (and himself as the suffering knight transcended by true love even higher), because 4 (!) months, come on.
I also blame the soul mate rhetoric and its toxic little brother ‘i love them so much it must be true love, they just haven’t realized it yet!’
THIS! Just like “I’m sorry”, “I love you” doesn’t instantly fix things. Abusive partners say “I’m sorry” all the time for all kinds of shit. If they’re not willing to actually address what they’re “sorry” about, stop that behavior and make real amends, as they say in Game of Thrones, “Words are wind.” Your pantsfeelings/emotional angst do not trump/paper over/make up for shitty behavior or basic incompatibility.
And sometimes there’s nothing to fix or make amends for, the other person just doesn’t feel the same way. “I love you” =/= “you love me,” no matter how deep my feelings or how dramatically I prove them.
Feelings and words mean absolute shit. Well, better to say that feelings and words have no inherent value. If that person you’re with makes you feel like the most glorious person who ever lived but somehow does not fulfill any promise made, then do those feelings mean anything? No.
Every time I see someone bring up soul mates all I can think of is xkcd’s breakdown of the concept.
For those who don’t know what I’m talking about: https://what-if.xkcd.com/9/
It all worked out: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f6182ecc47acade5d6689ff3ab42cdde9fa798c02b744c175cd619e9d0112c43.jpg
Roflmaoooo!!!! was he gonna play in the rain too? wouldnt that have ruined the piano?
*dramatic, angsty sigh* What good is a piano if I don’t have true love? I’m sure the piano would gladly sacrifice itself in the cause of passion! *emo intensifies*
I’m really surprised it was just one punch in the head. I would have thought that being a noisy nuisance that late at night would have incited various projectiles hurled at him by hordes of sleepy, grumpy people.
Or someone attempting to destroy his piano.
Which would be a shame because what has the piano done to deserve that kind of suffering?
“Don’t kid yourself, Robert, if it got the chance that piano would kill you and everyone you love.”
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7160b642755d93ef690a96b36e4294507f49c4039639a2f0c7e07a0c651053a7.jpg
https://media.giphy.com/media/4gIhYShqaxMje/giphy.gif
So he says.. Not sure anyone actually punched him though. He didn’t stop playing at 4am but kept at it for several hours, until mid-morning.
If he has a black eye(don’t know), that’s easy enough to fix on your own.
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/piano-man-trying-win-back-11152686
He says the real reason he stopped is:
“[…]because I realised that what I had wanted to do had spectacularly failed,” he said.
“The social media reaction turned it very quickly into something that would cause the one person I didn’t want to hurt embarrassment and pain.
“That was the last thing in the world I had wanted to happen, so I left.”
Yeaaaahhhhh I’m sure you didn’t want to embarrass her by making a scene, you attention-seeking dipshit.
It was all fun and games while she was the one who was being embarrassed and shamed into a relationship but social media turns on him and he gets punched in the head and suddenly he has a road to Damascus moment?
“The last thing I wanted to happen was to cause a scene with my scene causing performative grand gesture!”
Ooookay!
Looks like he received the metal chair of irony slapped onto his thinking pan.
Is that the cousin of the Chair Leg of Truth?
Yeah, except he got a job was a professional wrestler.
“People weren’t supposed to get mad at ME!”
Asshole.
And the worse thing is that when you read the comments of the article, some people AGREE.
This dude is a whiny, obnoxious, drama queen and people STILL think he is in the right. I want to give them all the metal folding chair
I don’t think he had a road to Damascus moment at all. This was his final comment in the article I read.
“I do not blame or in fact feel anything negative towards anyone who has commented on what I decided to do. On the contrary, the lack of understanding just reminds me of how very rare a thing pure love actually is.”
My take on love and my actions is the only valid ones. People who disagree just don’t understand how true I am!
Pardon me while I go puke at his stalkerishness.
Oh god, that makes it so fucking worse!
Pure love my pasty white ass.
People who use “pure” to describe anything but fabric, water and skincare tend to get the side-eye from me.
Oh, sorry, I should have put a sarcasm tag on that or something, my tongue was VERY firmly planted in cheek when I said he’d have a road to Damascus moment…the joke being he got punched and everyone hates him and that made him see “the light”.
I’m willing to bet he still really doesn’t get why people were upset.
No, he totally doesn’t get why people are upset. He reminds me very much of my stalker ex (we only dated 9 weeks). Mine wasn’t claiming true love, but he had his very specific view of The Truth. And never you mind that it conflicted with everyone else’s and common sense. He was going to force it on anyone, especially me and continue to proclaim the Rightness of it.
*hands over a vomit bag* Emesis for everyone!
Ugh, the “nobody understands the depths of my feelings” is so emo-teenagery. You’re in your 30s, bro.
Knock knock. Special delivery for Luke. It’s the chair leg of truth!
I’m thinking here. What could he have done to save face?
1. Fully admit he was completely in the wrong, that he was acting entitled and failed to even care for the embarassment he might’ve caused his ex.
2. Possibly point to an extraneous factor: “I think deep down I was also motivated by wanting to play in public. It feels great to do when you are feeling down. So I’ll keep doing that on and off, but without any ridiculous pretense”.
Even if the latter would be a little bit of a lie and detracts slightly from the key issue, I think it helps to deflate the situation for all parties involved. Very much like when someone’s gone viral over an embarassing youtube clip, then returns in a self conscious and self ironic guise, which effectively kills the meme.
This whole Luke Howard thing is a bit silly, but it strikes me as pretty harmless. I don’t see how he’s abusing her privacy or shaming her into giving him a second chance……. he never actually identified her to the public. And unless this park happens within a close distance to her home, it doesn’t fall into the creepy/invasive category. They may have been officially dating for only 4 months, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they “barely knew one another.” They could’ve been close with each other for decades, for all we know. Wheeling a piano out on the grass and declaring your love is a harebrained scheme, for sure, but I’ve seen people in love do all kinds of ridiculous things. It is certainly manipulative, but unless it escalates into stalking, I don’t think it needs to be disturbing.
It’s super creepy. The whole time it went on, she got to read about this ridiculous stunt, and wonder if he’d try to sic the internet on her if she didn’t contact him. Stalking doesn’t start with breaking into someone’s house. It’s something that escalates.
Beyond all that, it’s super gross that this guy assumed his breakup was important enough to take over a public space for hours, superseding the needs of protestors, of people who wanted to enjoy the park without his music, and of nearby residents who might not have cared for music at 4 AM.
It wouldn’t be that hard to find out who his ex is.
He’s done it in such a public way as to maximize public interest and attention, not just from other people, but also from the media.
She doesn’t want to hear from him, doesn’t want his texts, doesn’t want his calls, doesn’t want him…but now she can’t avoid hearing about him because he’s international news and the poster boy for True Romance ™.
“Wheeling a piano out on the grass and declaring your love is a harebrained scheme, for sure, but I’ve seen people in love do all kinds of ridiculous things.”
Depending on what those things were, some of them may have been very creepy to the people involved as well. Part of the problem is that these sorts of behaviors have been normalized so that people don’t realize that ‘Holy cats, this is really weird…she doesn’t want anything to do with you, why are you making a spectacle of yourself and her?”
Because all their mutuals know who his ex is, and it’s slightly shocking that no one leaked that info to the press, who’d be at her door in a heartbeat wanting to know why she hates romance.
His feelings may be very, very strong but her’s aren’t, why do his get priority? She doesn’t want him. She’s made it extremely clear. Shaming her by making her into the person who ignored a romantic gesture isn’t exactly the way to someone’s heart, and we only have his word that the break “wasn’t anything serious”, which…so what, it was still a breakup, and he should respect it.
I mean, even you say it’s clearly manipulative…if it’s clearly manipulative how is it also not disturbing?
Men trying to manipulate women back into relationships passes my Disturbing Test with flying colours, tbh.