My girlfriend of 4 years and I are on the verge of breaking up. She says I’m not as funny or as fun as I used to be and that I treat her more as a friend than as a girlfriend. I honestly don’t see it. I admit that recently I’ve been feeling generally bored with my life and may be showing it in my attitude, but she’s the best thing to happen to me ever. Do you have any advice on how to show her I still care about her and treat her more like she wants to be treated?
The first thing you need to do is determine whether this what she’s really upset about, or if it’s what she says she’s upset about and is masking another issue. Sometimes issues that seem minor are, in reality, symptoms of a deeper underlying problem; dealing with the symptoms does nothing to treat the real condition. As a result, you just end up buying time until the next problem comes up.
How do you do this?
Communication, communication, communication.
You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a blunt and honest conversation about what’s going on between the two of you. You have to explain that you understand she’s unhappy, but you sincerely don’t see what she means and that you would appreciate her explaining what it is that you’re doing. And then be prepared to wince; it’s probably not going to be pretty.
Relationships are living things and need to be tended to. Nothing kills a relationship faster than apathy and neglect, which may be what’s happening here, or it may be part of the natural progression of relationships. The line from boyfriend to just-friend can sometimes be a thin one, especially over the course of years. The half-life of passionate, romantic love is between six months to a year; afterwards couples naturally drift towards a deeper, if calmer relationship based more on friendship and intimacy than passion. It can be easy to become comfortable in a relationship past that point and start to let things slide; you’re a little more lax about watching what you eat or making it to the gym, she doesn’t necessarily feel the need to dress up quite as much as she did in the beginning. The passion comes in waves – sometimes high, sometimes low – as opposed to that all-consuming tsunami that lovers feel in those frantic early days. She may be missing the way things were in the beginning or she may just be yearning for that spark that comes with new relationships.
What can you do about it? Well a good start is to stop treating her as your girlfriend and treat her the way you did when you were first trying to convince her to go out with you. Slip back into the courting phase; flirt with her, pay compliments, the occasional gift just because you thought she’d like it. Reintroduce some surprise and unpredictability into an otherwise predictable and staid relationship Don’t mistake this isn’t the solution, however; this is the bandage to keep your relationship from bleeding out while you’re trying to patch things up. Nobody can maintain the courtship phase indefinitely, so you will need to solve the underlying issues.
You say that you’re bored with your life, which could well be showing in the way that you’re treating her… so it’s time to shake things up. You need to have passion in your life, not just for your girlfriend but in your every day life. Passion is contagious; when you’re excited about your life, it will spill over into your relationships. You don’t necessarily have to turn your life upside down, pull up stakes and start a brand-new life in the off-world colonies, but just having a goal and making progress towards it can bring back that spark you’re missing in your life and in your relationship.
I need some advice from Dr NerdLove,
I was at work today and talking to a girl that came in to shop, before she left she asked for something to write on so I handed her a piece of paper and a pen and helped a customer. A while after she left and I got back to work, I noticed she left the paper I gave her. Before I threw it away I noticed it had her name and phone number on it. My question is what is the correct amount of time for me to call her back without seeming over eager and spastic, but also showing mutual interest and where should I go from there?
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the game-playing bullshit that’s crept into dating? The mystery of how long to wait before calling is a prime example of this: “Wait three days, or you seem desperate.” “Make her call you first.” “Don’t call. Text, son, it’s all about the texting.”
Playing weird dominance games over calling someone on the phone is asinine. You may think that you’re showing that you’re not overly eager by waiting three days. She, on the other hand, thinks that you’re not interested and probably has forgotten all about you already.
The truth of the matter is, the proper time to call after getting the number is context-sensitive. When I’m out partying on a weekend and a girl gives me her number, I typically will text her that night and get the conversation started; the odds are good, I’m not the only person who may have gotten her number that night and I want to establish myself firmly in her mind. Depending on how I felt about the connection I may or may not try to meet up with her again that evening, especially if I feel as though there’s the chance to sleeping with her that night. With someone I meet during the day or something other than the social context of meeting women with the intent of getting laid, I would wait until the next day, and text her, usually with some sort of humorous call-back to how and where I met her.
Notice carefully how I say I text first. There are a number of reasons for this; on the practical side, if I met her that evening, the odds are good that she wouldn’t be able to hear me if I called. There’s nothing more likely to get you mentally filed in the trash bin than a lot of “What? WHAT?! SAY THAT AGAIN? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
Texting is low risk and low-intimacy. Women are more likely to respond to a text from a relative stranger than, say, a phone-call. Because you have the time to think about what you’re going to say, texting can also be less anxiety-inducing in shyer men and women. You’re never going to have the awkward lulls in conversation via a text medium. And because there’s a certain level of separation in a text medium, you can get away with more. Say that you decide tease a girl by calling her a pirate, since she was wearing a Captain Jack Harkness shirt. Initiating a sort of role-play based off that nickname, one where she’s going to kidnap you and drag you back to her ship as her cabin boy, is easier via text; she’s far more likely to respond and play along than she would if you tried to do this over the phone.
So getting back to your situation: give her a text. She won’t recognize your number, so make sure to tell her who you are; a little humor here goes a long way. And don’t worry about looking too eager; if she’s cute, you should be a little eager. She’s waiting to hear from you.
Good luck.