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Today we have another letter asking for a Post Mortem analysis of what happened. Sometimes it’s just a case of simple mistakes and sometimes it’s a case of “Your purpose is to be a warning to others.” There’s a lot to learn here, though as this is an interesting mix of things that were done very well and a very big case of “You dun goofed”. And since he asked me not to be nice1 about it, the love doctor is going to beat some sense into some fools.
Let’s go.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
This is gonna sound like a letter to Penthouse or something, but I swear this is how it worked out. I know a lot of your letters are about getting the chick in the first place but mine’s kinda different. My game’s pretty tight if i do say so myself.
This does not fill me with a lot of confidence.
I got the chick… now I can’t get her again.
Guess I should start from the beginning.
Yes, yes you should.
I met this cute girl off of OKCupid. She was like some sort of mix of nerd catnip; redhead, awesome body, kinda nerdy but kinda not, a little hippie which i figured meant it’d be easier. So we’re chatting back and forth and we finally make a date, kinda. It’s like, she wants to see me but she’s gotta work that night ‘cuz she’s tshirt girl and booth monkey (her words, not mine) for a band that night but I can totally come see her and we can hang out when she’s not actually working.
This right here is interesting; in most cases, I’d say that when a girl asks you to come see her when she’s working that it’s a pretty good indication that she’s not that interested and is hoping that you’re dumb enough to show up and try to ply her with tips; in a best case scenario, I’d assume that she wants the safety of her own territory and to have the excuse of the job if she wants to end things early. However, in your case, I think it was honestly more that she really wants to see you and that this has an interesting date built in.
So… good sign!
So I get to the bar early where the band’s playing and I pick her out of the crowd pretty quick. She’s the only redhead around so I roll up and we start chatting.Yup, it’s her, she’s cute as hell in person. For the first half hour or so it’s pretty average. We don’t have much in the way of chemistry but I’m sticking it out ‘cuz, well, she’s pretty damn hot.
You don’t say whether this lack of chemistry was on both sides or whether it was just she wasn’t that into you after you met in person. Still, sticking it out here was a good decision; it’s too easy to bail on dates that might actually go well with a little more time and patience. Not every date is going to have the two of you getting along like a house on fire. It’s possible to build the chemistry you were looking for, and it seems like this is what you were trying to do here. Kudos, sir.
Maybe it’s because she’s working so she’s helping the band set up so I more or less have to take the backseat to her getting everything ready Idunno. I’m just making sure we’ve got beers and whenever she’s got a moment she comes back to the table where I’m sitting and we’re talking.
Sounds like you were sitting back, letting her do what she needed to do and to come back to you when she had a moment. Good. This indicates not only confidence but a certain level of maturity and lack of neediness; you weren’t up on her demanding she pay attention to you when she had actual responsibilities.
There’s a little physical contact there, like her knee’s up against my knee but there isn’t much to make me think that she’s that into me yet.
Actually, that was a good sign that she was into you. Touching and physical contact is a safe indication that she’s interested, especially if it’s things like her knee being on the inner part of your knee rather than the outer side.
I’m thinking no harm no foul, i’ve still got a bit of time to see if I can pull this out of it’s nosedive yet or if it’s going tobe another OKCupid date that went nowhere.
Again, a good attitude to have. Sometimes dates are just kind of dull; they can still be rescued if you’re willing to put the effort into it instead of bailing out early.
So the band starts and they’re pretty good, kinda bluesy, kinda funk. At this point we’re both about four beers in and I figure it’s now or never if I want to change things, so I pull her out onto the floor in front of the band. There’s a lot of people standing around but nobody dancing so I start leading her in some swing moves I learned. It’s mostly spins and stuff but it usually goes over well. Looks a lot more impressive than it really is and there’s a couple of them that pull her into me like she’s hugging me so I figure I’ll run with it.
And right about here was when the deal was sealed. This is the moment the date was saved. Being able to dance, especially something a little different like swing or ballroom dancing – rather than the Average White Guy Shuffle2 or the High School Slow Dance – is a valuable skill to have. Plus, you took charge of the situation, were willing to put yourself out in front of everyone and show off a little in a way that didn’t seem like bragging. All of which plays nicely with what I had said about what women find attractive.
Plus, the physical effects from the dancing – the racing pulse, the flush to the face and ears – is very similar to the secondary physical sensations of arousal. So much so that the brain will frequently confuse the two and react the same way.
Well played sir, well played.
We get back to the table and we’re sweating and laughing and the band’s clapping and calling us out for dancing, so as far as I’m concerned it’s all good. She’s leaning on me now and I just look over at her and say “I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now,” and just move in and kiss her.
Let this be a lesson to you kiddos: you don’t wait for the right moment. You make the right moment.
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