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Archives for December 2011

What Women Think of Your Dating Profile Photos

December 30, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 26 Comments

So on Monday I told you how to look better in photos, especially for use in your online dating profiles. But hey… sometimes it’s good to test my advice against the real world. After all, it’s all well and good for me to sit here and make proclamations from on high, but hey! I could just be some keyboard jockey pulling ideas out of thin air.

So what better way to test things than by abusing the trust of with the help of some of my obliging readers?

After I put out the call on Twitter and and the Dr. NerdLove Facebook page, several of my readers kindly sent in photos of themselves from various dating sites for commentary and criticism. Now, I’d have no problem giving my thoughts about the matter, but where would that get us? So instead, I’ve rounded up a few of my good friends to share their thoughts on the photos.

How well does my advice stack up? Am I completely off my rocker about not looking at the camera? Should you include photos of you with an attractive woman? Let’s find out, shall we? [Read more…]

Pages: 1 2 3

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Right In Front of Your Face

December 28, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 10 Comments

Sometimes, dear readers, I wish I could reach through the Internet and smack some sense into people. This is one of those times…

Dear Dr. Nerdlove, 

I’m hoping you can help me out. I’m 38, a self-porfessed geek, and sadly, very single. I seem to be having a problem involving meeting women, that I can’t seem to overcome. I also seem to have another problem in relating to them, once I’m involved with them.

First issue: I was recently talking with some of my fellow geeks, bemoaning the sorry state of my love life, and how I never seem to meet anyone who’d be interested in me, when they dropped a bombshell on me.

As it turns out, according to them, I’ve actually missed several opportunities to get to know women better, simply by dint of not recognizing that they were flirting with me. 

Now, I didn’t recall any times when someone was flirting with me, but my friends insists they’ve seen this happen several times – and have also seen me be completely oblivious to it.

Now, I was willing to blow this off as my friends just messing with me – until I happened to mention the conversation to my mother – and she voiced the same concerns! Having your own mother notice something like this is uncomfortable, to say the least. 

I’ve tried reading articles about how to tell if women are interested in you, but they don’t seem to do me any good. I just don’t seem to recognize any of the cues I’m supposed to see, when I do actually talk with women, which is admittedly, not very often. I am a geek, after all. It doesn’t help that I have ADHD, but I know that can’t be the entire reason for my problem.

Second issue: this involves a kind of long story, so please bear with me.

I was involved with a woman a couple of years ago. We met, got to know each other, and things progressed into a physical relationship pretty quickly.

We agreed, at the start, that neither one of us was looking for a serious romantic relationship. I was still smarting from a break-up a while before, and she had just gotten divorced. So we both stated that we were just looking for someone to have some fun with – “friends with benefits”, as they say.

Well, for a while, that’s exactly how things were between us. We’d get together, hang out, talk, and have fun. Just as aften as not, we’d end up in bed together.

However, after about 6 months, things seemed to change. First, she unexpectedly bought me gifts. Then, she started wanting to go out with me more often.

This seemed a little strange to me, given the nature of our agreement, but I went along with it.

However, after a few months, I started losing contact with her. I stopped calling her, and she stopped calling me. Eventually, she moved away to another state. 

I recently spoke to her online, and happened to mention how odd it was that things between us seemed to just come to a halt, and that’s when she told me something I apparently didn’t see for myself – that her feelings had changed, and she wanted things to be more serious and permanent between us. 

She also stated that the reasons she left me were twofold: One, that it didn’t seem to her that I wanted things to be any more serious than when they started; and two, that she couldn’t truly tell how I felt about her.When I told her that I had genuinely cared about her, she was honestly surprised.

A few days after this online conversation, I mentioned it to a couple of friends of mine, one of whom is female, and she told me that the reason my FWB left me was the same reason my last girlfriend before her left – she just wasn’t sure how I felt.

So, my question is: for each of these problems, what would your recommendation be? I don’t seem to be having any luck improving things on my own, and thought a fresh insight could be useful.

Hopefully, I haven’t bored you to tears with this letter.

Thanks for your time.

Blind Guy

[Read more…]

Put Your Best Face Forward: How To Look Better In Photos

December 26, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 6 Comments

When it comes to online dating sites, your profile photos can make you, and they can break you. You may live a life to make James Bond jealous and write with Oscar Wilde’s rapier wit, but a bad dating profile photo will scare off potential dates faster than “Well, the doctor says it’s not infectious but…”

Fortunately the secret to looking better in photos is simple: have a friend who’s really good with Photoshop.

OK, I keed, I keed. You really don’t want that. After all, the goal of dating profiles is to actually meet people in person. I don’t care how goddamn charming you might be, starting a date with the realization that you’ve lied is going to guarantee that you’re going home alone.

(Plus, one of my side-jobs is doing photo touchups and I really don’t need the competition)

More seriously, there’s more to looking good in photos than trying out the tips you’ve seen on America’s Next Top Model.

No, if you want to bring out your photogenic side, you have to know more than just have to pose. You have to understand how men and women react to different poses, how cameras work and the physics of light.

Intimidated? Don’t be. It’s all actually surprisingly simple.

[Read more…]

Pages: 1 2

When You Stall Out: How To Solve Your Dating Problems

December 23, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 8 Comments

As we’re getting into the holiday season and the end of the year, it’s only natural to start looking back on the year and take stock of where we are in life and how we stack up compared to where we want to be.

And sometimes… well, sometimes it’s pretty hard not to be dissatisfied with it.

When you’re trying to get better at dating – hell, when you’re trying to just improve your life – you’re going to hit some snags. There will be times when you’re not only not improving as fast as you’d like, but that you actually seem to be getting worse. You may find yourself experiencing failure after failure, crushing your self-esteem and ego like a beer can under the steamroller that is life, leaving you feeling more convinced than ever that you’re just going be forever alone.

"You're not helping, Doc..."

When you’ve stalled out, when every attempt at asking out the women of your dreams ends in devastating rejection, when you seem to have a reserved seat in The Friend Zone, when the universe seems to be arranging things just  to fuck with you…

Well, it’s time to stop, take stock and look around. You’ve got to examine your life and see just what it is that’s holding you back.

And sometimes… well, sometimes you have to realize that the only common denominator in all those rejections is you.

But you can fix that.

If you’re having nothing but setbacks in your attempts to get better with women, it’s time to start troubleshooting.

[Read more…]

Pages: 1 2

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Closed For Business

December 21, 2011 by Dr. NerdLove 27 Comments

Got a two-fer for today from my female readers, both asking a variation on the same question… “How do I let guys know I’m not interested?”

We’ll start with Not A Prize To Be Won:

Doc,

As a girl, I would like to know how to be obviously off the market. Uh… let me give you some background information:

I am definitely a nerdy girl. I’m relatively attractive and I can gush on about Star Trek for hours to anybody stupid enough to let me. I’m probably one of those girls that has an overinflated ego because of how geek culture generally views women and how easy it is to be like-able.

I WANT to be liked. I’m sure most people do. I don’t want to stop being liked.

The problem is, I’ve stumbled through some relationships recently that range from absolutely horrible to just damn annoying (a few that used my intense need to be liked to manipulate the hell out of me and one that seemed to view me as the prize you get if you win the dating game). I’m just absolutely sick of dating and the complications that come from it. I’m sure that feeling will eventually fade, but in the meantime I want to be able to make friends and be liked without being some kind of mythical sex goddess unicorn to every new guy I meet (this is obviously where the ego thing steps in, I do know that I’m not THAT attractive to everybody, really. I also know that sometimes I am.)

How can I and anybody else in a similar situation make it obvious that we are not currently looking to date? Is there a way to avoid the hideously awkward “Look, I don’t know if I’m reading you right but no thanks, its not you its me.” conversation?

– Not a Prize To Be Won

And a similar question from Off The Market.

Dr. NerdLove,

I wanted to ask…as a female that happens to be a geek how do I approach new male friendships? I try to be a social person and venture out-or even through friends of my friends on random outings. I connect to people that like what I like. As a female that likes video games and comics I find it hard because I either run in to the very males you describe “male privilege”. ( Mind you, I do have female friends and I’m just as happy encountering new female friends.) It’s just when I DO find someone who enjoys gaming and happens to be male I feel I have to weigh out the possibility they are just hoping to get something other than friendship with me. I’m not a flirt and I make it plain that:

1) I have a boyfriend

2) I am only interested in friendship

3)I have a boyfriend

So…any advice?

– Off The Market

[Read more…]

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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